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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

thank god its sunday

181 replies

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 12:41

I know its an awful thing to say but having had dsc's for over a week I am really ready for them to go home.

They have really pushed boundaries this week and for the first time ever dp has actually disciplined them so we have had the backlash to deal with too. Although he still let's them get away with talking to me like crap...he is starting to back me up when I tell them off for it though.

Am soooo glad i have 2 weeks before they are here again.

Not aided by being 29 weeks pg and having an awful tummy bug for last 3 days

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 14:56

notadisney I don't know! But I made that point above that it is socially acceptable for parents to dislike their kids but as step parents we are expected to be higher than saints when it comes to the bad behaviour of dsc.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 14:57

I in no way meant to demonise you OP. And I really hope you all work things out in time for the birth of your DC. However, it is clear that your DSD is having problems that you say her parents are ignoring. Perhaps if the DSC could get some help to deal with the changes in their life, it would be better for all of you.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:01

However, it is clear that your DSD is having problems that you say her parents are ignoring.

And while her parents are ignoring her needs, the OP quite naturally, finds her difficult to be around.

Not the DSC fault, but no easier for the OP - particularly when she is having to clear up the mess (literally and figuratively) of the parents failure.

OP, Disengage, leave your DP and his ex to screw up their DD and focus on your own DC. Why should your baby ave less than 100% from you just because other parents can't/won't give their child what she needs?

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:05

Her dad isn't ignoring it but as nrp and

OP posts:

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/06/2013 15:05

I don't think it is socially acceptable to dislike your own children.
And whilst I agree that an irrational rant about your situation can be helpful, I think others telling you it's ok to want to smack your sc, or be happy when they can't visit, is not helpful.

Also, deliberate wetting is as much a sign of emotional distress as accidental.
She doesn't do it to piss you off. Though she possibly enjoys the attention it brings.

And yes, I am a SM.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:07

Sorry phone..

As nrp and with other complex issues I am not going into there is only so much he can do. Mum is being given an ultimatum today, take dsd to Dr or we will as we are perfectly aware its not normal behaviour.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 15:09

It is clearly difficult for you OP but, as Notadisney said, it is not DSC's fault. Your DH should be doing much more for his children.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:10

Mum is being given an ultimatum today, take dsd to Dr or we will as we are perfectly aware its not normal behaviour.

But Why hasn't your DP already taken her? Why is it an ultimatum to his ex for him to parent his DD himself? And why are you involved?

suckmabigtoe · 02/06/2013 15:12

maybe she wets herself because she is having to live in a house where she knows one of the adults wants to hit her

needaholidaynow · 02/06/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:17

Part of the custody thing he isn't allowed to. We have tried to support dsd and encourage her and do has spoken to ex about it numerous times, along with other issues like nits that she seemingly ignores (admittedly have not Been privvy to conversations)

It's just frustrating, if we are put she will say I need a wee and we can take her but if she is on her own playing or with her brother slays she doesn't want to stop. She refuses not to disengage when there is something more interesting around.

Dp has asked her if something is upsetting her etc, like the baby on way and she says not. And we had cracked it up until this past week, she hadnt wet with us at least for months, but according to dss she has been at home

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:18

needaholiday thank you xx

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:22

Part of the custody thing he isn't allowed to.

Unless a court has removed his PR, or there are other child protection issues to consider then I'm astounded that a contact order would include any clauses preventing a NRP seeking medical attention for their DC.
Are you sure hes telling you the truth? It sounds like a very convenient excuse to avoid doing the less convenient bits of parenting.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:26

There are issues that preclude him being involved in certain areas. It's ridiculous but he is being truthful.

There was an incident and whilst there are no court appointed procedures there is a ss agreement in place.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 02/06/2013 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/06/2013 15:28

'The OP is not an evil SM who is making her DSC scrub floors and locking them in the garden shed with their daily bowl of gruel. '

This is a very simplistic view. Children do not need to lead Cinderella style lives in order to be emotionally damaged.
Living with an adult who would rather they weren't there, is angry with them when they display symptoms of emotional distress, and is frankly jubilant at the though of not seeing them for a fortnight can be far more damaging.
For instance, the OP claims her sd deliberately wets herself and is proud of the upset caused.
She is 8 years old!
The op's dislike of these children is evident, imo.
Scrubbing floors is no more damaging than living with that.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:32

baby I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry - but it does give you even more reason to disengage from what sounds like an incredibly messy situation and protect your own DC from future fallout.

You cannot be an effective influence in your DSD life and yet, should things go wrong, any involvement you have has could lead to blame being placed on you.

Disengage - don't parent your DSC, for the sake of your own DC - hard though it is to stand by and watch your DSC being messed up by their parents inadequancies.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:34

Living with an adult who would rather they weren't there, is angry with them when they display symptoms of emotional distress, and is frankly jubilant at the though of not seeing them for a fortnight can be far more damaging.

Of course it's the SM fault - no blame for the DCs being damaged can possibly be attributed to her parents can it!?!

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:38

morecrack dsd has no idea how I feel as I haven't said or done anything to her, I instead came here to vent. Now unless you have anything constructive to offer please don't post any further.

needaholiday that is the most frustrating thing about step vs own, it is something that worries me about when baby is older that there will be issues over double standards. Having read threads on here about disengaging and letting dp deal with it with me out the picture but seemed to make things worse.

And for the record I never said she is wetting to deliberately cause upset. I said she is fully aware of the need to go but deliberately doesn't in favour of playing and then can't hold it in and wets. This is nit emotional distress it is poor behaviour because other adults in herlufe have allowed her to get away with rather than explaining its unacceptable.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 15:47

Having read threads on here about disengaging and letting dp deal with it with me out the picture but seemed to make things worse.

That's kind of the point.

By disengaging, you reveal to your DP and his ex exactly how much of their slack you have been picking up - things will get horribly messy and unpleasant for a while until they either step up or (partivularly in your case because SS are involved) their shortcomings come to the attention of professionals.

Yes, it's awful to think that you will be letting your DSC down and the temptation to continue to cover for their parents incapabilities is totally understandable. But, what is the cost of saving your DSC? Your health? Your own DCs wellbeing?

You can't save your DSC from their own parents - but by trying, you could lose things that are far more important.

Sparrow8 · 02/06/2013 15:50

Morecrack, I think you are judging babyh a bit harshly. Op is not saying she always wishes dsc are not there. They are not constantly living with an adult who doesn't want them around, she is just ready for them to go back to other parent and needs the break.
I know exactly how you feel babyh and can totally relate. And you do need to vent as its hard to vent to your dp.

needaholidaynow · 02/06/2013 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:56

You may have a point notadisney. Guess the thought of them both being more damaged by me doing nothingscares the hell out of me.

Generally they are good kids and tbh when its just me and them they are generally very good. They are aware of the expectations I have of their behaviour and their dads expectations of how they should behave with me.

We had put it down to the small amount of time they spent with him/us due to his shift pattern so he sorted out with his ex that we do eow to try and give them more stability and routine esp as rules are diff in our home eg they are not allowed their Nintendo's here as dp expects them to engage with him, or do more constructive things like read a book or play a board game.

It's just after 10 days of what feels like beating my head against a brick wall I am ready for a break.

OP posts:

FrauMoose · 02/06/2013 15:56

There is some quite useful information about daytime wetting here.

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/expertadvice/parentsandyouthinfo/parentscarers/soilingorwetting.aspx

Although the problems seem to be much more complex, and as much about the adults as the children themselves.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 02/06/2013 15:57

Thank you sparrow.I appreciate your comments xx

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