Making Arrangements In The Other Parents Contact Time

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Hi everyone, I have another thread too but have some other issues that I'd like to pose to mumsnetters. Everyone gave very honest advice (even if it was a little harsh at times) on my other thread (which I will update as soon as we have an update) and I (and my DP) would very much appreciate some honest opinions here too, and ideas of what to do etc.

My DSD (3) is starting a new preschool in January. She has been on the waiting list for over a year and was finally offered a place in October. It's so much better in every way than her current one, which has just had a "satisfactory" Ofsted report, and this one is "outstanding" - not that Ofsted reports are everything but it just adds to the list of reasons why the new one is better. It's bigger, more activities, better facilities, nicer location etc.

DSD's mum doesn't want her to change preschool but decided to leave it until 2 weeks ago to email DP to tell him. She likes the old one and wants her to stay there. We now have a very awkward situation as she is already enrolled in the new one and deposit is paid. For those of you who have not read my other thread, DSD's mum has only been having her and my other DSD on a 50/50 basis for the last 6/7 months. Before that, she was only seeing them about 1 night per week for around 2 years. During this time things like pre schools and schools were considered, visited, chosen and applied for - she wasn't interested in what choices were made, didn't want to visit any etc, so my DP and I did this, until 6 mths ago she had never been to see DSD's preschool. There is no residency order in place, no court involvement so far, which sort of makes things harder as when DSD's parents can't agree I guess it's a bit of a stalemate!

She hasn't actually given any particular reason for wanting to stop the move just "I like the current one". DP has asked her to visit the new one so she can see how great it is, she won't, she also doesn't want the prospectus we picked up for her, she just will not discuss it. DSD knows she is going to the new pre school after Xmas, she has been and visited with us a couple of times already too.

So my 1st question is What do we do? Cancel the new better preschool because her mum doesn't want her going there, even though she has been waiting for a space for so long, knows that's where she is going and we have paid deposit and we believe it's much better (hence the long waiting list).

My 2nd question is a little bit last minute. Next week, during the DSD's time with their mother, the new pre school is having their "induction" session for all new January starters. The children meet the staff and key workers and all the other new starters, parents have coffee and introduce themselves etc. This is only done once and unfortunately falls on a day when DSD's are with their mum. DP has written to her about 5 weeks ago and explained this all and proposed we take DSD to it (it's only 2 hrs). DSD's mum is at work that particular day, so DSD will be at pre school all day that day anyway so we would pick her up, take her for two hours and drop her back to preschool. DSD's mum has said no, DP cannot take her out of preschool for 2 hours as it is her week with the children.

Now as there is no court order in place DP knows he can very easily just go and get DSD and take her and return her but he is torn as to what to do. He has never once planned something during their time with their mum or asked to take them to anything during that time- and as she is working it doesn't make a difference to her anyway as DSD will be at pre school. He has asked their mum if she could get the time off work to take her instead of us, or we all go together, but she has ignored this possible idea. So what do you guys think? It is for DSD's pre school education but it's certainly not compulsory, it would just be very nice for her and I would think helpful for DSD to go. DP doesn't want to cause problems or act unreasonably during their mums contact time, but equally we know she is saying no because she doesn't want her to start at the new preschool at all (she may have other reasons but she hasn't mentioned any).

All advice greatly received, some of you have so much experience as step parents and of step family situations perhaps someone has been in a similar situation? Part of me just wants to say to DP, forget it, let her mum make the decisions just to keep the peace.

Tbf - as a former resident SP who never had "legal" PR - I never needed it - I just acted as if I had it and no-one ever questioned it.

Doctors, dentist, schools - I dealt with then all.

And I know from a DofE viewpoint - any adult with whom a child lives is deemed the same as a parent - that's easily googleable.

I don't think it sounds like the DP was ever a single parent tbh

What does that matter?

allnewtaketwo I agree with you, I have my doubts that he is ever really single which could explain the mother's reasons for leaving him and abandoning her babies.

It's the way she pretends to be their mother that actually makes me feel sick to the stomach.
It is possible to raise a child from being a baby, to love them, care for them etc without thinking that you have such a right to make decisions and override their mother in this way.
I know it is because I've seen my DP do it.

Xmas I don't disagree with what you say - I think the increasing frustration that people are feeling because the OP isn't making it clear that she is acknowledging, let alone considering, the advice she has been asked for is leading to some unguarded posts.

The OP has considered the advice though, and I'm sure that one of the reasons that the OP's DP changed his mind about taking his DD to the nursery was because of what has been written here in response to the OP's request for advice.

The problem is that it feels like a total waste of time and effort giving advice if it turns out that the OP has omitted key information or deliberately misled in their posts in order to influence the responses. That suggests that the OP is looking for validation, rather than advice, and I for one am not prepared to spend my time doing that.

There is also the fact that the OP may well be having the wool pulled over her eyes by her DP - and just like posts on the relationship thread, responses can become blunt if the OP is just unable or unwilling to acknowledge the evidence that is right in front of her.

In this case, the OP mistakenly believes that she has PR for her two young DSD's - she is being seriously misled by her DP about something that could have life-changing consequences for her. Lets say she gives consent for dental treatment and there is a reaction to medication; and Mum decides to make an issue of the situation? Imagine how SS would view that situation? The OP's own DC's would undoubtedly be dragged into the mess, and as a former childcare worker, the OP's future employment opportunities could be put at risk, too.
Her refusal to acknowledge the possible risk that her DP has placed on her and her DC's is frustrating - and leads to questions over the OP's own judgement - in much the same way as she is questioning her DSD Mums judgement. Is the OP really doing the best she can for her own DC's if she refuses to accept that her DP is manipulating her for a reason she doesn't understand?

asking for - the OP has been asking for advice, not has been asked for it!

I suspect OP has probably abandoned the thread now that she isn't hearing what she wants to hear.

I hear and understand you NADM. I do feel you have been hectoring, but now I understand why. I think the most recent posts, that are almost certainly coloured by those posters (erroneous?) view that the OP is the 'OW' have spoilt the thread.

This is a shame, because the advice you have given is quite likely to be missed whilst the OP is trying to defend herself against the others.

She may well not come back. And in doing so will lose the huge pockets of experience and advice she could have received

I have dsd living with me, and not with either parent, and I don't have PR.

What doesn't make sense to me, and I think I said this earlier, is if they had so many concerns about mum's willingness to be involved why 50:50 was agreed to, and seems to have been encouraged. Why not stick to alternate weekends and build it up if she is so unreliable or so disinterested. I just don't get why you would opt for 50:50, unless it were court ordered, if you had those concerns. Something for me doesn't add up.

The other thing for me too is that she never seems to speak with the ex directly. My xh paints me and our break-up in a bad light to his gf I'm sure (he says the things to me directly, so I'm sure he says them to her), I probably sound like a vindictive, money-grabbing, contact preventing, shouting harridan from his version. The truth is very different, but how would she know if all she knows of me is what he has told her. It wasn't surprising when he told me not contact her directly.

If this is the case here, I feel for her as she has been manipulated by her DP, and she has a hell of a lot to take on board right now if she is starting to see things differently.

xmas she did receive lots of good advice on this thread and on another but she just ignored it which just annoyed the rest of us.
She wasn't looking for advice she was looking for validation. She had made up her mind and wanted us to tell her how she could go about getting what she wanted.

poppy To be fair to snow she didn't ignore the advice -she may have defended the reasons for her thinking, but actually, in both the threads this week, there was an overwhelming consensus, which snow and her DP did put into place.
In this case, the OP has accepted that her DSD won't be going to the new pre-school. Despite the fact that she doesn't necessarily think it is the best thing for her DSD, she has accepted the advice given here and looked at the bigger picture.

lookingatclouds I don't have any contact with my ex's DP or with DP's ex, not for any particular reason, just because there has never been a need for me to. But if my DS was living with his dad and his gf was caring for him a lot and making decisions about health care, schools etc then I would guess I would be in contact with her. And if DSC lived here and I was caring for them and making decisions about them then I would most certainly be in contact with their mum and whether she didn't have much input or not I'd still be checking things with her.

Unless of course the mother won't speak to OP because she was responsible for the breakup and she feels like OP has stolen her family?

Exactly Poppy. I tried to start bypassing xh and talking to his gf when it was appropriate because I wanted to build a relationship with her and be able to discuss things with her. I felt it was important when I was a stepmum, I feel it's important now. But he wasn't having any of it, he expressly told me not to text her.

I really can't ascertain here whether the OP and the mum have any communication that doesn't go through the dad.

if my DS was living with his dad and his gf was caring for him a lot and making decisions about health care, schools etc then I would guess I would be in contact with her. And if DSC lived here and I was caring for them and making decisions about them then I would most certainly be in contact with their mum and whether she didn't have much input or not I'd still be checking things with her.

Everyone is different though - my DD lives with her Dad and SM 50% of the time and is often in the care of SM - she attends school appointments etc, but I have never had more than the odd casual conversation with her, exchanged polite hellos etc. She definitely wasn't the OW, I left DP and DD's SM came into her life much later on.
I've never needed to contact DD's SM, and most contact with my ex is by email/text (it's easier).

Yes, DD is a bit older, but even so, I wouldn't want to deal with DD SM unless her Dad was incapable and then I'd probably be questioning whether DD should be in his care so much.

Unless of course the mother won't speak to OP because she was responsible for the breakup and she feels like OP has stolen her family?

and there we go - perfectly illustrated. There is NO WAY the OP is going to get fair treatment here.

I don't have any direct contact with my ex's DW, nor with my DP's ex. When my ex first got together with his DW he had a phase of saying "we" this and "we" that which really pissed me off. It felt like there were two of them ganging up on me. So I'd always favour letting the parents be parents together and as a step-parent having your conversations just with your DP.

My DP, however, does sometimes have direct contact with his ex's DP - mainly because he's often a lot more reasonable about things than DP's ex is - but it's my DP that's initiated this - the parent - the step parent (his ex's DP) has never initiated any conversations.

I'm confused - in the OP, it states that the induction is next week. Yet yesterday, the OP stated that they didn't take DSD to the pre-school "today"

Did I miss something?

poppy didn't say the mother shouldnt speak to the OP as she's broken up the family ltX. She was offering a suggestion as to why the mother may feel the need to ignore the OP.

Tbf Xmas, I think those comments about the OP possibly being the OW are an attempt (albeit harsh in some cases) to try and get the OP to have some perspective on her situation whereby she softens her attitude towards the DSDs' mum, for the overall benefit of the kids stuck in the middle. I understand that sort of accusation on the SP board isn't warmly embraced, but in this case, the OP has a very low view of the mum here, she has very strong feelings about the mum's low standards of parenting, not putting the DSDs first in situations she feels she should, and her own attitude towards the mum is not helping her disengage with the behaviour she is displaying. This situation is rife with conflict and the SM has the ability to do something about that herself, but she seems unable to even want to consider doing anything she feels benefits the mum, or somehow validates the mum's behaviour, and it no doubt 'sticks in her throat' to even consider that the mum here is behaving in a way that can be explained by things her DP has/is doing, and things that she has/is doing.

The end of this high conflict scenario has to start somewhere, and the responses posted by both SPs and non SPs (I'm not a SP, only a lone parent with a DD who has a SM) are to attempt to get OP to see she has the ability to change the road these 2 warring parents are heading down, given her indepth involvement in everything to do with her DSDs.

Thats my take on those comments anyway.

It's horses for courses isn't it? My lovely dsd took full advantage of her mum and dad/I not communicating to play us off against each other. She openly admits it now!

And when I have talked to his gf it's been really helpful. When he was refusing to have dd to sleep at his (after 2 years of every other weekend and more) because "there was no room for her" and I talked to the gf and explained that dd was really missing her Dad because she was used to seeing a lot of him and hadn't for a few weeks, things suddenly changed and they were able to accommodate her after all. If I'd left it to just dealing with xh she would have missed out on contact.

I do think sometimes things would be easier if me n DP's ex did speak as j can imagine sometimes she must get a bit annoyed with him. EW: ''can you pick kids up earlier on sat?'' DP: ''ermmm I'll just check with DP and ring you back''. And btw he's not checking for permission just that there's nothing going on that its going to clash with. But I can imagine how that must look to the XW. Maybe that's why she hates me so much?

I'm confused - in the OP, it states that the induction is next week. Yet yesterday, the OP stated that they didn't take DSD to the pre-school "today"

Good point allnew - I'd missed that!

Clearly there are inconsistencies and factual inaccuracies in the OP's posts on this thread - I wonder what the motivation for posting is? It's obviously not to receive advice about a genuine situation.

Or because mum said NO to taking her DD to the new pre-school next week, during 'her' week (which is why the OP was posted), they changed the appointment to this week, during 'their' week and were going to take her then.

Not beyond the realms of possibility...

But the first post was on Wednesday. I really doubt that it was suddenly rearranged for the Thursday, and then cancelled on the spot

Yesterday wasn't 'their week' though Xmas. Yesterday she was "missing the girls so much it hurt".

Which actually would imply that next week was Snow's DP's week and the supposed induction was actually in their week anyway.

Confused much?

Very confused