Hi everyone, I have another thread too but have some other issues that I'd like to pose to mumsnetters. Everyone gave very honest advice (even if it was a little harsh at times) on my other thread (which I will update as soon as we have an update) and I (and my DP) would very much appreciate some honest opinions here too, and ideas of what to do etc.
My DSD (3) is starting a new preschool in January. She has been on the waiting list for over a year and was finally offered a place in October. It's so much better in every way than her current one, which has just had a "satisfactory" Ofsted report, and this one is "outstanding" - not that Ofsted reports are everything but it just adds to the list of reasons why the new one is better. It's bigger, more activities, better facilities, nicer location etc.
DSD's mum doesn't want her to change preschool but decided to leave it until 2 weeks ago to email DP to tell him. She likes the old one and wants her to stay there. We now have a very awkward situation as she is already enrolled in the new one and deposit is paid. For those of you who have not read my other thread, DSD's mum has only been having her and my other DSD on a 50/50 basis for the last 6/7 months. Before that, she was only seeing them about 1 night per week for around 2 years. During this time things like pre schools and schools were considered, visited, chosen and applied for - she wasn't interested in what choices were made, didn't want to visit any etc, so my DP and I did this, until 6 mths ago she had never been to see DSD's preschool. There is no residency order in place, no court involvement so far, which sort of makes things harder as when DSD's parents can't agree I guess it's a bit of a stalemate!
She hasn't actually given any particular reason for wanting to stop the move just "I like the current one". DP has asked her to visit the new one so she can see how great it is, she won't, she also doesn't want the prospectus we picked up for her, she just will not discuss it. DSD knows she is going to the new pre school after Xmas, she has been and visited with us a couple of times already too.
So my 1st question is What do we do? Cancel the new better preschool because her mum doesn't want her going there, even though she has been waiting for a space for so long, knows that's where she is going and we have paid deposit and we believe it's much better (hence the long waiting list).
My 2nd question is a little bit last minute. Next week, during the DSD's time with their mother, the new pre school is having their "induction" session for all new January starters. The children meet the staff and key workers and all the other new starters, parents have coffee and introduce themselves etc. This is only done once and unfortunately falls on a day when DSD's are with their mum. DP has written to her about 5 weeks ago and explained this all and proposed we take DSD to it (it's only 2 hrs). DSD's mum is at work that particular day, so DSD will be at pre school all day that day anyway so we would pick her up, take her for two hours and drop her back to preschool. DSD's mum has said no, DP cannot take her out of preschool for 2 hours as it is her week with the children.
Now as there is no court order in place DP knows he can very easily just go and get DSD and take her and return her but he is torn as to what to do. He has never once planned something during their time with their mum or asked to take them to anything during that time- and as she is working it doesn't make a difference to her anyway as DSD will be at pre school. He has asked their mum if she could get the time off work to take her instead of us, or we all go together, but she has ignored this possible idea. So what do you guys think? It is for DSD's pre school education but it's certainly not compulsory, it would just be very nice for her and I would think helpful for DSD to go. DP doesn't want to cause problems or act unreasonably during their mums contact time, but equally we know she is saying no because she doesn't want her to start at the new preschool at all (she may have other reasons but she hasn't mentioned any).
All advice greatly received, some of you have so much experience as step parents and of step family situations perhaps someone has been in a similar situation? Part of me just wants to say to DP, forget it, let her mum make the decisions just to keep the peace.
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Making Arrangements In The Other Parents Contact Time
SnowWhiteWinter · 05/12/2012 09:46
Xalla,
Next week must be the OPs week because Xmas week is also the OP & her DPs week, meaning they must be with their mum this week and also the week commencing 17th.
Perhaps the OP tried to adjust the date of the preschool visit, to avoid it being clear who she is in real life? I know that sometimes when I posted on here in the past re my court issues with DS1s dad that I altered a date to try and make myself less obvious. Although with hindsight, whether I said March or April, it would have been really obviously who I was 
Personally, and Snow can tell me to stick myself, I dont think the issue here is when the preschool meeting is, I think the issue here is the battle between the parents and the fact that none of them appear to be willing to back off and take the moral high ground for the sake of the kids.
I posted about the PR, because if Snow genuinely thinks she has PR, when she cannot have it, this could cause real problems for her if she maks decisions using it that she is then pulled up on, but also because, taking Snow at face value, it means her DP is lying to her. That would concern me, and I think Snow needs to work out why that might be the case, and also try and see just how much she is, however well meaning, contributing to the distress these girls are going to suffer as this war wages on.
I reiterate that my friend lost his 50/50 because of the exact behaviour that the OP and her DP are doing. I can geniunely see that Snow cares about these kids, and I can also (from seeing my friends reaction) just how much losing it might affect her DP. My friend wishes he had behaved differently, but its too late now. Its not to late for Snow and her DP, and if they really really want to do the best for these kids, they need to come back, be honest about whats going on, as im sure people on these boards would be willing to help.
Its far better to get flamed on here, and then change your behaviour than get flamed by a judge / CAFCASS / other professionals and it be too late to do anything about it.
I know sods law and all of that!
With regards to PR, and I really dont want to harp on about it, I am sure you cannot have it as parlimentary guidance itself states that PR agreements and orders can only apply to married stepparents. Indeed the step parent parental responsibility agreement form downloadable from direct.gov clearly states that you have to take along proof of your marriage certificate with you.
But equally I dont know why you would be adament that you have PR, when all the guidance pretty much everywhere says you cant!
Either, everything everywhere is wrong, its not a PR order, or your DP is talking out of his hat.
I really think it might be worth you finding the paperwork, and seeing exactly what it says to be honest. even if only for my peace of mind
(Finally if you do have it, id love to know exactly how you got it and what the order that gave it was, as it would be very useful to someone I know, who is trying to get it but has been advised by every solicitor she saw, the childrens legal centre, and the clerk at court that she cant!)
Was it today your DP was at the solicitors? I hope hes gone on OK.
Solicitors are expensive. I managed to blow £25k on mine 
and mine wasnt even apparently a complicated case as complicated family law cases go! Dread to think what complicated adds up to!
You can have shared residency with any proportions. It doesnt have to be 50/50. It can be as little as 90/10.
Generally, a sole residence order is given when it is inappropriate for the child to "live" at the other house. Alot of applications these days come out with shared residency.
The main difference is a residence order allows you to take the child abroad for up to 28 days without the other parents permission., so with shared residence both parents can go on holidays abroad without asking, although in theory if it affects the other parents contact time they should at least negotiate it. A contact order doesnt allow this.
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