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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bombshell............

74 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 10:35

Last night my DP said that his dd has told him that she doesn't like coming to our house because I don't pay her enough attention. I'm absolutely devastated. Believe me, I really have put so much effort into my relationship with her, I've tried so very, very hard. I don't understand what I've done wrong. All I'm getting from my DP is "just talk to her more" but short of talking only to her when she's with us and completely ignoring my DP I really don't see what more I can do. If my best isn't good enough I really don't see a way around this, I think we're going to have to split. I feel a complete failure

I'm at work, trying to keep myself busy but I haven't got a lot to do. Feel so, so sad, I'm just totally crushed

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2006 10:40

Could the three of you, including your sd, sit down and discuss this together??
That way whatever the outcome at least your dp can see that you are in actual fact making an effort.

Do you think your sd really feels this way????

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 10:45

I think she must feel this way to have said something in the first place. I just don't understand why, I really don't. I don't know when she's coming again but that's not a bad idea about us all sitting down together and talking about it

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fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2006 10:47

How old is your Sd, is she still hoping her parents will get back together??? I've read some of your previous threads so have a slight feeling that sd is just trying to get attention from her dad......

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 10:50

I am glad you have said that, I was thinking it too. She's 13, yes it crossed my mind that she might be doing it split us up so they could get back together too but I don't think this is the case, her mum lives with someone and seems to be happy

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tarantula · 05/04/2006 10:56

what does she mean by 'pay her attention' tho NAAM? Its a very strange thing for a child to come out with. Were those her actual words? or is that the way dp interpreted it? Just sounds very odd. I think you need to sit down with dp and dsd and find out EXACTLY what she means and what the problem is because not paying her attention is just too vague and smacks of your dsd not being able to express what she really means which could be as simple as she finds changing between home and your house difficult at the minute and she doesnt want to hurt her dads feelings by saying something like that IYSWIM.

(blimey that was a long sentance. Does it actually make sence?)

Carmenere · 05/04/2006 10:56

Oh fgs, shes 13, shes pulling her dads strings. So what if she thinks she's not getting enough attention, you know that's not true. Face her down on this one, ask her to define exactly what you could do to make her feel more welcome. And then stop worrying about her. Also ask for backup from dp, you need a bit of support.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2006 10:59

Reality doesn't neccessarily have anything to do with how your Sd feels. She may have it in her mind that once you are out of the picture than it's a matter of time till he parents are back together.

Have you and your dp discussed this together?? I think you should, and then sit down and speak with sd. I think it's up to her father to tell her that no matter whatever happens, he and sd's mother are not getting back together. And to reassure sd that you all love her a lot.....god who'd be mother to a teenager????

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 10:59

I honestly don't know what she means, don't know exactly what was said. DP is a nightmare when he's trying to tell me something - sometimes he can have a half-hour conversation with someone, I ask what's been said and he says "nothing"

I think we are going to all have to sit down and talk about this, but I do need DPs support that's for sure

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 11:14

We haven't really had chance to talk about it properly, he's on nights this week. We'll get a couple of hours tonight though before he goes to work. She was meant to be coming to stay on Friday night but he said last night he doesn't know if she's coming or not, she's going to tell him later when he rings her (he phones her every day)

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FruitAndNutcase · 05/04/2006 12:44

NAAM, so sorry to see your post. I think a lot of the replies on here are right. I think you really do need to sit down with DP and DSD and ask her (in front of DP) exactly what she means by what she said. It sounds like there could be a chance that either words have been put in her mouth or DP has missinterpreted what she said/meant.

Out of interest, is BM happy with her current partner at the moment? I didn't hear from my ex for ages until he split from his girlfriend and then he started harrassing me and DP and trying to put ideas into my head that DP wasn't good enough for me etc. Since he has been with his new girlfriend and had a baby with her, i've heard nothing thankfully!

Only a shot in the dark, but if BM isn't happy, she could be tryiing to stir things a bit. What you say she said, doesn't really sound like something that that a 13 year old would say in my opinion, especially as you have always got on so well with her.

Big hugs to you [[xxx]]

Blu · 05/04/2006 12:50

I agree with Carmenere - but maybe also, she has vague jealousy feelings - that if somehow she can get rid of you, she will at least have one parent to herself. i.e her Mum has 'abandoned' her to another relationship, and now her dad has chosen you. Spend dome time remembering yourself at 13 - we were emotional and turbulent creatures, I think!
Hold tight, keep erpspective.

I am still more worried by the difference in yours and DP's position over children of your own.
maybe SD senses that you would like a child - or fears that is the next step, and is trying to fend that off??

desperateSCOUSEwife · 05/04/2006 12:59

NAAM agree with blu and carmenere
the teenage years and you are the poor unfortunate one who is getting the mood swings taken out on

just ask your dp for support in this as matters can esculate.
good luck
xxx

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:02

FANC as far as we know BM and her DP are still happy together, they certainly seem to be. DP certainly could I suppose have misinterpreted what she said, he does that all the time

Blu we've been together longer than BM and her DP, but having said that, last week DP had a go at her for getting into trouble at school yet again and he told her that it was causing problems between him and I. I don't know, maybe she's seen that as a sign we're having problems and she's taking full advantage and trying to lay the final boot in. I really don't know what to think. But next time she comes we're definitely all going to sit down and talk about it

And Blu - DP has now agreed to see his doctor about having his vasectomy reversed. Early days yet of course but he seems to think his dd would be excited at the prospect of us having a baby

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:02

Thanks dsw - crossed posts with you there

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desperateSCOUSEwife · 05/04/2006 13:06

NAAM mad up that your dp is finally looking at a reversal
hope things turn out just right
and you get everything you ever wanted
good luck
xxx

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:11

Thanks again dsw

Now I've had chance to think about this a bit more, I can't help thinking that it's a bit too much of a coincidence that the week after she gets the mother of all bollockings from her Dad for keep getting into trouble at school - and bear in mind that until DP and his ex split he never used to tell her off, not ever - she comes out with this. I really do wonder what her motive is, but until I can speak to her I can't do a thing

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colditz · 05/04/2006 13:12

Your dp is mad if he thinks his daughter will be excited at the prospect of yet more competition for her dad's affection. You need to tell him that, because she will get very upset if her dad is making her feel like she should be pleased about a possible baby when she isn't, and isn't ever likely to be.

FWIW, she will probably love the baby when it comes, but if you can make your dp put himself in her shoes - her dad has a new partner, her mum has a new partner, and now a baby has been mentioned, and everyone knows how much attention a baby takes up.

Her saying she's not getting enough attention might be her way of saying she's scared she isn't going to get enough attention, IYSWIM?

Carmenere · 05/04/2006 13:15

It's no coincedence and her motive is to get her own way as much as possible. That is the motive of all normal teenagers. Step families spend a lot of time worrying about teen behaviour in case it is a reaction to the parents split when often it is just teen behaviour. However I do think that a 13yr old probably would love a baby sister or brother, it could be the cement that sticks your relationship with her, good luck.

yeahinaminute · 05/04/2006 13:15

Hi NAAM - I totally agree with FANC and the others - she is probably trying to play one off against the other here - if it's any consolation DSS tried that old trick when he was 14 / 15 - horrid in the beginning but luckily BM, her tosser partner ( ooh did I say that or think it?!!) DH and I wised up up and squared up to him and resolved it eventually - so much so that he is now almost 18 and has been chose to live with us for the past 2 years - There IS light at the end of the tunnel!!
And everything crossed that the reversal will have a happy outcome
BIG HUGS - you're not alone !! xx

yeahinaminute · 05/04/2006 13:16

" has been chose" ???? for that read has chosen !!!

shimmy21 · 05/04/2006 13:24

NAAM this sounds very much like a fairly typical teenage strop. Really you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing your best which is all any of us can do. Perhaps you have to face it that you will never do it right in dsd's eyes. Whatever you do will not be good enough for her because you are her stepmum. We all tested our parents through teenagehood by saying/doing the things we knew would hurt them most. I guess it hurts even more as a step parent because you have consciously worked so hard at it whereas a birth parent just knows they have to take the rough with the smooth. She is testing you. She is seeking attention. She is a normal self-obsessed 'poor me' teenager and the best thing to do is take it with a large pinch of salt.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:24

colditz we haven't told her yet that there could be a baby on the horizon - we haven't told anyone at all actually

carmenere I didn't think of that. Perhaps DP and I are reading too much into it and it's just normal teenage behaviour

yeahinaminute thank you, nice to know I'm not alone

The more I think about this the more I think we shouldn't give too much attention to what she's said. I think I've taken it more personally than I should have too

Don't know what I'd do without this site

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:25

x posts Shimmy - I'm beginning to think you're right

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colditz · 05/04/2006 13:27

If she is complaining about a lack of attention from you, I would take it as a complement - she wants your attention!

In light of her not even knowing about a possible baby, it is probably more to do with being told off than anything else, especially if she's not used to it!

ggglimpopo · 05/04/2006 13:29

Have you thought of showing this thread to your dh? It shows very well what you feel and gives other points of view, re: ssd's change of heart.

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