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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bombshell............

74 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 10:35

Last night my DP said that his dd has told him that she doesn't like coming to our house because I don't pay her enough attention. I'm absolutely devastated. Believe me, I really have put so much effort into my relationship with her, I've tried so very, very hard. I don't understand what I've done wrong. All I'm getting from my DP is "just talk to her more" but short of talking only to her when she's with us and completely ignoring my DP I really don't see what more I can do. If my best isn't good enough I really don't see a way around this, I think we're going to have to split. I feel a complete failure

I'm at work, trying to keep myself busy but I haven't got a lot to do. Feel so, so sad, I'm just totally crushed

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

yeahinaminute · 05/04/2006 13:33

No you're not alone and I agree maybe it is the aftermath of a big bollocking that's sent her on this angsty teenager-y thing.
Try to remain calm and hopefully keep it in perspective and these things usually have a way of sorting themselves out with just some "gentle" intervention ... keep us posted !!

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:33

colditz I didn't look at it that way but I suppose it is a compliment

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:36

ggglimpopo - fantastic idea!! Why didn't I think of that?? He's coming to see me at lunchtime, I'll tell him to look at it when he gets home, thank you

yiam thank you, I will keep you posted

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FruitAndNutcase · 05/04/2006 13:44

One thing is for sure NAAM, you and DP certainly shouldn't split up over this, its nothing that you cant sort out.

As was mentioned earlier, it is a compliment in a way as SD obviously enjoys your company and wants to spend more time with you. You are an excellent stepmum and that shows

FrayedKnot · 05/04/2006 13:47

I do pretty much agree with what the other posters have said - don;t get it out of proportion.

When Dss used to have strops with DH he (DH) would get really, really upset.

I did have to remind him that strops and teenagers are perfectly normal and that if dss lived with him permanetly he would probably spend most days in his bedroom stewing in his hormonal juices.

But, that is not to dismiss your dsd's concerns as being unimportant - to her, they are important, she is the centre of her world - and I do think it's the right idea to all have a chat all together.

I also agree that adding the possibilities of a baby into the mix are not going to go down well - excellent news on your DP's decision, tho!

And she WILL love any new baby. She'll just hate the IDEA of it!!

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:52

Thanks again FANC. And thank you for saying I'm a good stepmum, that's made me feel better

Yes I agree we shouldn't split over this, we've got through everything else that life has thrown at us over the past 22 months so this is nothing really. Think I just panicked and thought "OMG she doesn't like me" which I don't think is the case at all. Well I hope not!!

I do know though that I can't possibly give any more than I already have and the thing that is still bothering me is that DP says that I could talk to her more and make more effort. Don't quite know what he means by that but I will speak to him tonight

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 13:56

FK - crossed posts with you there. Thanks for that, we will definitely have a chat together next time she comes. You're right, she does need to know that she's important - which of course she is and always will be

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roo28 · 05/04/2006 13:59

It is so stressful that one comment can just blow your world apart. For a wg=hile i felt that i couldn't even do my job as i was so pre-occupied with comments and behaviours from my DSS. Me and my DP have just had a new baby and my DSS and DSD love hime to bits although be prepared for any chnage in their behaviour is always attributed to the arrival of the new baby which is 'normal' but is emphasised so much more if you are a step-mother!
I am from a step-paretn family also and i remember my mother sitting me down and advising me that without my step-dad life would be much harder and that was able to support us and enjoy us so much more as she was being supported by my SD. It may be helpful if DP reminds DSD of all the important part that you play in the family dynamic. She is 13, she will probably appreciate a good 'grown-up' discussion about this.
Take care.

FruitAndNutcase · 05/04/2006 14:01

NAAM yes I do think you need to speak to DP tonight about that comment. It does seem to "belittle" you a bit (not sure if that is the right word but hope you know what I mean). From what I know of your history, you are a fantastic stepmum and being that good means that you must spend a lot of time talking and listening to SD, so I cannot see where he has got that from. Again I would say that you need to know if those are the actual words that came from SD or if that is just how DP interpreted it. All stepmums "make an effort" or lets face it, they wouldn't be stepmums. Some of us make more of an effort than others and you definately come into that category NAAM. I think you need to tell DP that you are unsettled by what he said and make him clarify what he is thinking.

roo28 · 05/04/2006 14:07

I second that FANC - it's with comments like that that you feel all the goodness is being sucked out of you. Despite all the fantasitc practical and emotional effort you invest in your step-children's life - it is with comments like that (of which i have had many from my DP) that make you think 'i have had it'!

yeahinaminute · 05/04/2006 14:09

FANC - I agree - we do make so much more of an effort as step mums especially if the sc don't live with us ... It's all about family dynamics and making sure the access weekends are fun etc.
NAAM - how about cooking her favourite tea and sitting down all together for a " general" chat about how things are going with school/friends etc - keep off the thorny subjects and she may just reveal a little bit more of what she may percieve as the problem. Just prime DH that it is going to be a calm chat over dinner with no accusations etc on any side ... you may be surprised what you can learn from it !!

Blu · 05/04/2006 14:10

REALLY pleased to hear about the vasectomy reversal possibility!

FruitAndNutcase · 05/04/2006 14:13

That is an excellent idea yiam, cooking her a meal and having a non heavy chat I think will work wonders. When children are at ease they tend to reveal more.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 14:43

Roo28 - "one comment can just blow your world apart" and "make you think I have had it" You really did hit the nail right on the head there, couldn't have put it better myself

FANC you're right, I do need to know exactly what he means by his comments. DP is, by his own admission, not very good with words so he might not actually mean what he's said. I hope not anyway

yiam that's a very good idea, we will do that when she comes. We always have tea together when she comes anyway but we're usually all engrossed in the telly - it'll be switched off!

Blu thank you - so am I

DP has just been down to see me at lunchtime, we had a chat and I think we both feel better. He's going home now to read this thread - feel free to give him your comments directly....

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roo28 · 05/04/2006 15:03

To NAAM DP - SP families are always hard - you must feel pulled in all directions and probably just want an easy life where everyone is happy as you love you partner and daughter so much. Please, please try and understand how hard it is for you partner, try and put yourself in her shoes if you can because i can guarentee she will constantly try and understand and empathise with you and your daughter's position and feelings...and you know what even if you can't understand where she is coming from when she gets upset and stressed - please give her a cuddle anyway - tell her you will try to understand and that she is doing a brillant job as a step-mum. Offer her a break if she needs and maybe take her on a date or have a night away soon - just the two of you - PLease value her importance.

FruitAndNutcase · 05/04/2006 15:16

Wow Roo that was fantastic, brought a tear to my eyes.

NAAM's DP - I can't really say much as Roo said it all. I have "known" NAAM on this site for a long time now and in my eyes she is the most wonderful, caring, kind and considerate partner and stepmum. I know you think she is too and a kind word goes a very very long way.

As Roo said, being a stepmum is so hard. Anyone who says that it isn't is lying. I have been a stepmum for 4 years now and believe me it has its rewards but also its downfalls. Stepmums have all the not so nice parts of being a mum but not all of the rewarding parts.

You are so lucky to have a partner like NAAM who loves you so very much and who loves your daughter like her own.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 05/04/2006 15:25

Blimey roo that brought a tear to my eye too - thank you, and you are spot on once again

FANC thanks again

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Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 06/04/2006 09:06

Well - he spoke to her yesterday and asked her to tell him exactly what the problem was. Apparantly she thinks that we both ignore her too much which is absolute b*llocks!! She also said that her mums DP plays with her and mucks around with her and I don't. Well she needs to realise that people are different - and he gets far more time with her than I do

So she's definitely just attention-seeking as I eventually thought. With that in mind, we've decided we're not going to make a big thing out of it because that's what she wants, but we are going to all sit down and have a chat about it though, and I'm going to be very careful not to let it drag on. We don't know when she's coming - it was supposed to be tomorrow but she doesn't know whether she's coming now, she's telling DP today. I've told him that if she says she's not coming he's not to try and talk her round because that's what she wants but just say "OK, it's up to you"

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yeahinaminute · 06/04/2006 11:48

Well done NAAM - throw the ball back in her court, but when you do have the " chat" just do as you said, no acrimony, keep it calm, keep it light .... I just know it will all be fine soon - Keep us posted !

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 06/04/2006 12:41

Thanks yiam

I do hope she comes tomorrow, we'll find out later. This morning I've written down exactly what I'm going to say to her and what I expect DP to say, we're going to go through it together beforehand so that we don't start falling out between ourselves because that's the last thing we need. I'm determined though that it'll be short and sweet - little more than 5 minutes or so

DP said last night that he made it clear on the phone to her yesterday that this has upset me but he really loves me and whatever happens we are going to stay together, so at least she knows that

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yeahinaminute · 06/04/2006 13:00

Great I'm glad DP managed to get that over to her - Good luck !!

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 06/04/2006 16:09

She's definitely coming tomorrow

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tarantula · 06/04/2006 16:43

Glad to hear you and dp are working through thsi together. Hope all goes well otmorrow and over the w/end.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 06/04/2006 16:45

Thanks tarantula

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Squirrel3 · 06/04/2006 18:13

I'm very glad dsd is coming hope it all goes well.

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