Bombshell............

[NotActuallyAMum]

Last night my DP said that his dd has told him that she doesn't like coming to our house because I don't pay her enough attention. I'm absolutely devastated. Believe me, I really have put so much effort into my relationship with her, I've tried so very, very hard. I don't understand what I've done wrong. All I'm getting from my DP is "just talk to her more" but short of talking only to her when she's with us and completely ignoring my DP I really don't see what more I can do. If my best isn't good enough I really don't see a way around this, I think we're going to have to split. I feel a complete failure

I'm at work, trying to keep myself busy but I haven't got a lot to do. Feel so, so sad, I'm just totally crushed

Thanks squirrel

Found out last night she's been caught smoking yet again!! We were both bloody furious, we've decided now that all we're going to do tonight is tell her that we both want her to be happy when she comes to our house but she can't expect everything to be rosy when she keeps getting into trouble as she has for the last few months and she shouldn't compare what happens at home to what happens at our house because the two will always be different and that's it, we're going to leave it at that

We know we haven't ignored her, and we're sure she knows it too so we're not going to get into a debate with her about it

Hi NAAM, sorry bit late to the thread, but great to hear you sounding more positive. I was a right stroppy cow at 13 and cringe when I think about the grief I must have caused between my dad and SM. I keep going on and on to my dh about always putting on a "united front", no we won't tell me, but we are a family and we work things out together. And you're right, it won't be the same as BMs house, but that can be an advantage!

Thank you claire

We had a chat with her on Friday, didn't go too well because the last time she got into trouble DP told her that if she gets into any more trouble before the end of the school year she's not coming on holiday with us, needless to say she didn't take it very well. And DP totally messed up with what he said to her - he ended up asking her what I had done wrong when we'd already decided I hadn't done anything so I wasn't very pleased with him to say the least

On Sunday sd went loopy at her mum, we still don't know why. Then on Tuesday it happened again - DP went up to their house, he said she was like something possessed - kicking and punching her mum, saying she was a cow and she hated her and her mum was apparantly doing the same back to her. DP has taken his dd to his mum and dads for now but I knew he was expecting her to come to our house. I asked him outright last night and he admitted I was right. So she's going to come and live with us and I have no choice and no say in it

I've never coped with her coming once a week, heaven only knows how I'm going to cope with her permanently. DP works horrendous shifts so I will have to look after her when he's at work. I've never been on my own with her before. Don't know when she's coming yet, we're going to have a talk later

NAM, I'm concerned that things are moving quickly here. I met dsd when she was 12 (she is 18 now) and if we had lived our lives according to her ever shifting teenage desires it would all be very different - we certainly wouldn't be together, our ds would have been aborted, we would have no money etc etc etc. As it turns out she was one of the happiest people in the room on our wedding day last year and she adores her baby brother.

I was seeing a therapist for a large chunk of this and she was also trained in working with children. She was very, very clear on the idea that it is dangerous to give children, including teenagers, too much power over decisions that not only affect them but the lives of everyone around them. It is difficult to be 13, end of story. It is harder in these situations but the answer is not for her to keep moving house back and forth between her parents and for you to have your life dictated to you.

A lot of teenagers express hatred for their parents at some point, but not all have the option to move house about it. Doesn't mean it is the right thing to do just because she want to do it. Your dp needs to resolve his guilt but it does not mean he has to sacrifice your relationship at the same time. What is the point of her living with you if it is not sustainable? Is that fair on anyone? What other things could you both do to support her that don't just allow her to move in every time she has a row with her mum?

Sorry this is so long but this is a subject very close to my heart!!! At some point you have to know that what you are doing is good enough!

Conversely my dss 17 lives with us because he diddn't get on with his mums partner. We live in a small flat and have a 2 yr old and we manage to get on ok, not great but not bad and I know for a fact he's doing better here than he would be at home.

One advantage of her living with you is that you get to set ground rules and as you are an adult in the house they have to be maintained. ie it's not a 'special' occasion just cause she is visiting. She has to behave and respect you because she is living under your roof, that's the theory anyway

It is possible for this to work. In my case sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall and I'd kill for a bit of privacy and he does stink of hormones mixed with Lynx but I know that when he is an adult he is going to be extremely grateful to me. It's also worth mentioning that my dp is very appreciative of how I facilitate a somewhat strange but mainly harmonious household.

Thanks beansprout

I honestly don't know atm what to do, say or think

She is absolutely adamant that she's not going back home, and from what her mum has said to DP it doesn't sound like she wants her to either. We don't know what happened for her to go loopy like she did but her mum says it's my fault because of what was said on Friday night!! The only thing I said to her was that if she was causing all this trouble to split me and her Dad up it wasn't going to work, I didn't say anything else. DP spoke to his dd last night and told her what her mum had said and she said it wasn't my fault, it's her mums fault. Trouble is we don't know what she's said to her mum - she could well be telling her one thing and us something completely different

Thanks carmenere - x posts there

I honestly don't know if this can work or not, I just feel totally numb atm. Time will tell I suppose

I remember how I felt when BM said that dss was going to live with us, don't know how you can feel numb but experience blind panic at the same time but you can!!!!

Your dp needs to get to the bottom of what is going on with her (and I am sure its not anything to do with you BTW) I suspect that most of it is teenage angst. My dd was horrible (and that is putting it mildly) when she was that age, she too launched herself at me with fists flying etc once but I hung on in there and did everything I could to regain control. It wasn’t easy, it was hard, very hard, but I know I did the right thing by my dd.

I am not sure that giving in to dsd demands and letting her stay with you is the solution, it is giving her power, the 'power' should be with the adults in her life not her. Also, (the other side of the coin is) my dd, when she grew up, thanked me so much and was so grateful that I hung on in there, it meant so much to her and she said "I could have easily given up on her and sent her somewhere else to live but when I wouldn't 'give up' on her it showed her that I loved her no matter what and when she realised that she didn't need to be a .... a...... (can't think of the right word, well I can but I can't say it in here I'd be banned, think its something along the lines of 'a right little madam')". I just think if the problem is between dsd and her mother, dsd and her mother should sort it out, not send her somewhere else to live, how will it get sorted out then?

I think that staying with you temporarily (for a few days/ a week) isn't a bad idea it might give your dp time to find out exactly what is going on with her and for both dsd and BM to calm down and think more clearly.

I don't think I have helped but I am thinking of you and I know how you feel.

Squirrel you have said pretty much exactly the same as what I said to DP - if they have a problem they should sort it out, she shouldn't hold such power over the adults in her life etc.

To be fair to DP though, he hasn't really got a choice either. His dd is adamant she isn't going home, it doesn't sound like her mum wants her anyway, and it's not fair to leave her with his mum and dad for long, (having said that they're loving it because they didn't see her for over 3 years when her mum fell out with them and DP refused to stand up to her and take her to see them but that's another story)

I just feel so bloody frustrated that they're letting her call the shots and say what's going to happen and what isn't

UPDATE

DPs dd moved in with us yesterday. Have to say, despite my fears, it's been absolutely fine and I don't know what I was worried about. But it's early days yet and I still think - call it instinct or whatever - that she's trying to cause trouble, either between DP and me or between DP and her mum, but time will tell

BM phoned DP today and said "I'm not having you looking after my daughter" this is despite her saying the other day that dsd shouldn't be staying with DPs mum and dad but "she should be there with you". So now she is here with us and BM is still not happy, we can't win!!!!

Think we're in for a very, very rocky few weeks to say the least

I don't have any wise words for you NAAM, but I wish you all the very best in the coming weeks .

I have read your thread but dont hav anything to add except to say that you have been very kind in replying to my threads and just wanted to say you sound like a really good SM

hope it all works out

Thanks both of you

Her mum is apparantly on holiday atm, she's back on Tuesday so I think the proverbial will hit the fan then. But she hasn't even spoken to her dd since Tuesday, I think that's awful. dsd says she isn't bothered and she doesn't want to talk to her anyway but I'm sure that's not true, she must surely be bothered - I know I would have been at her age

I just feel like I'm in the middle of a ticking timebomb that's about to explode big time.....we shall see

Thanks both of you

Her mum is apparantly on holiday atm, she's back on Tuesday so I think the proverbial will hit the fan then. But she hasn't even spoken to her dd since Tuesday, I think that's awful. dsd says she isn't bothered and she doesn't want to talk to her anyway but I'm sure that's not true, she must surely be bothered - I know I would have been at her age

I just feel like I'm in the middle of a ticking timebomb that's about to explode big time.....we shall see

Thinking of you Naam.

Thanks squirrel

Got an hour to myself for the first time all weekend, dsd has gone out with DPs mate and his gf and their baby. I get the impression that she tells them far more than she tells us, or anyone else for that matter, which does make me feel a little uneasy. But I guess it's good that she's at least talking to someone and I'd like to think that if she told them anything that we really needed to know they'd tell us, even if it did mean breaking her confidence

Hi NAAM. Just wanted to wish you loads of luck (if that's the right word) with having your dsd living with you. Poor girl, it must be awful falling out with your mum like that. Whatever her mum is saying though, it isn't your fault. I think it's a good thing that she has someone that she can talk to. You seem really perceptive about what's going on for her, she's really lucky to have you.

Thanks Surfermum, hope you had a good holiday

Yes I'm trying to be positive, and so far I'm doing quite well even though I say so myself. DP and I both can't help thinking though that there's something dsd isn't telling us. BM is back off holiday tomorrow so don't know what's going to happen then. We do think that the very worst she can do is demand that dsd goes back to live with her and then make things very difficult for DP to see her. If this happens we may need your help because I know you've been through that yourself with your DH

We hope of course that it won't happen and we won't have to go through that, fingers crossed

It's all a bit weird tbh, because DP said last Tuesday that when he went to fetch his dd she was like something possessed, kicking, punching, screaming etc. - it's hard to imagine that the helpful, kind teenager we have with us is the same person. Can't help but think that something has happened which she's not telling us about, but we can't force anything out of her and it goes without saying that she can stay with us for as long as it takes

Blimey - only a few weeks ago I said on here that if ever she had to come and live with us it would be the end for DP and I - just shows how quickly things can change!!!

I do feel very bitter though about all the bad feeling from her mum towards me. At the end of the day it was her who threw her daughter out saying she was never setting foot in the house again, she was a cow, she hated her etc. And yes I am talking about dsd's mum talking to her here. Yet now she's saying it's all my fault it happened!!

I'll update again soon, thanks again everyone <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png">

Hows things today NAAM? was thinking about you over the weekend. Have dp managed to speak to BM yet and see whats happening.

Thank you for thinking of me tarantula - sorry tarantuless (you must get a new pet! )

No he hasn't heard anything from her, we think she's back off holiday today - dsd isn't sure if it's today or tomorrow but she thinks it's today. BM hasn't even phoned her dd the past week, it must hurt her. DP hasn't rung her and the last time he spoke to her was when she phoned him on Saturday to say she wasn't having him looking after her daughter. She told him to take her to her mum's - DP said no she was staying with us where she wanted to be, BM put the phone down and that was it - he's heard nothing since

I honestly don't what's going to happen, I really don't. ATM dsd is absolutely adamant she wants to stay with us but we just know that BM is going to play up big time

I have said though that if BM rings up and dsd doesn't want to speak to her I don't think DP should force her. And if she comes round to the house we are not opening the door because it'll just end in a massive argument which dsd really doesn't need to witness - I'll just ring the police

Problem is, if dsd is going to stay with us she needs her belongings so we'll have fun getting those......

All this waiting is awful. Its keeping you all in 'suspenders' (as my granny used to say) and that isnt good for anyone. Poor dsd bope she does speak to you and let you know whats going on in her head. As you say tho she does chat to DP's amte and gf and thats something at least.

Bloody hell NAAM, how things can change!!! Have to say it looks like you're stuck right in the middle there, copping it from all sides. Apparently my dss (10)throws tempers at BMs, kickin in doors etc, but we have never seen it here. Do me a favour? In considering everyone else and coping with everyone elses emotions flyin round, don't forget that you're allowed to have feelings too and be firm about ground rules, no exceptions coz shes upset etc, learnt from experience, there are no quick wins with kids!!! Thinking of u x

Namm wise words from claire, don't forget yourself in all of this, take care of yourself too, thinking of you.

Have you heard from BM yet?

tarantuless yes the waiting certainly is awful

claire thank you for that. Yes there certainly will be ground rules, going to work on a list today. I am trying to consider myself but it's hard because DP to say the least isn't the best person when it comes to sorting things out, he has a tendancy to bury his head in the sand and talk about something else! And I know it's hard for him too, as I'm sure it must be for dsd - she's already been through a lot in the last 2 years without all this

squirrel no we still haven't heard anything. We know she's back off holiday though, one of dsd's friends saw her yesterday. dsd is going to need her belongings, we're certain BM will go off on one about that but we simply can't afford to replace all dsd's clothes etc. - and anyway why should we? If she's going to stay with us, her things should come too. On Friday evening, DP will ring her and ask if they can go up and fetch everything and we'll take it from there. She goes back to school on Monday so we need her school uniform at the very least

Have to say up until now she's been fine. OK I know we haven't seen the bad side of her but DP made it clear to her before she moved in that the slightest bit of trouble and she'd be gone. She did a timetable at the weekend, asked us what jobs she wanted us to do every week and split them over the week. I got home last night, she was waiting for me with some flowers and said a big thank you for everything I've done for her. So she is trying very hard