Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

[allnewtaketwo]

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

They wouldn't need to do it if the sm wasn't there - they could go in the bedroom and see their father.

Laminate l am at your DSD coming sitting on your bed and saying to her dad she is sad because he and her mum are no longer together.

Or have l misunderstood and how old is she btw ? Cos if she was in her teens for example , l'm afraid l would be getting a leg spasm and accidentally knocking her arse off the end of the bed is she said that.

It seems ti me that some parents instinctively know that blending a family will be difficult. That DC will be highly anxious and attention seeking. That huge doses of TLC will be required. That much lip biting will be required.

These seem to be the people who make a real go of belnding families.

There are others who don't seem to want to accept the difficulties. Who want to enjoy their new relationship regardless. Who don't want to deal with those larger, often uncomfortable issues. They insist DC get on with things. These blended families seem to exist in a state of constant unrest.

But they do do that Laminate. Not deliberately of course, but when one meets a new person one gets totally absorbed and loved up, everyone does and the child is sidelined to an extent. It's inevitable.

yy word

Laminate, when you say people need to learn to "piss off and suck it up" are you referring to the adults or the children?

That's what I think about being the adult. If you meet someone and they have children, you have to think, ok, we'll have three or four years of a nightmare, but the investment will be worth it for the long run. Because any parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

It is always a 'new realtionship' to the DC ie not the core relationship from which they come.

Think of it from their persepctive.

My teen DSs wrestled on my bed - and broke it.

Why were they wrestling on my bed? Because it was big and bouncy - 'like a crash mat'. .

Teenage boys often engage brawn before brain.

I said 'please' (well, I might have left the please bit out) 'don't ever bounce on my bed again. This is my room and my space. Don't come in unless you are invited.'

They said 'yep, fair enough.'

And that was that really.

Just tell them.

" Because any parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child."

My new motto.

I work in a blended family that works extremely well and where we all get on. One of the reasons it works so well is because boundaries are imposed. In my DSSs' other home, boundaries are not clear and there is constant unhappiness...

But we are really talking about 16yr olds in OP and teenagers/young adults more than small children, so l really dont think it is anything like the same thing although l know technically a 16yr old or some might say even a 17 yr old are still technically a child but they are definitely old enough at that age to accept and respect that their father is entitled to be in a relationship/ be part of a couple. As someone said upthread the same teens wouldnt be at all happy if when they got a girlfriend or boyfriend their Stepmother or dad decided to roam around their bedroom.

I think you underplay the reason why your blended family works Bonsoir.

From what you've said on MN, your DP prioritises his DSs very highly. They have unfettered access to him no? And you have always accepetd that there will be bumps in the raod that mean the adults have to come second.

Both adults and children, dependent on age and issue. I don't necessarily mean about the major things all the time though as this applies to all sorts of stuff - choice of breakfast cereal, television programme for easier examples. In my opinion, children should learn to "piss off and suck it up" (a direct quote from another poster, incidentally - not my words) about such things pretty early on - if we have no [insert whichever chocolate cereal DSD claims to get every day at her Mum's] then I will not accept a tantrum about it, especially seeing as we have a range of other choices that she eats. She needs to accept that (or "piss off and suck it up" as it has been referred to). However, I do think that it is a mistake to pander to a child's every movement because they are in a family with seperated parents. Then again, I also think that about children with parents who are together.

Agreed - factually, it isn't the core relationship from which they come. But at what point does it stop being "new"? Should I, a grown woman who as a child had divorced parents, still think that either of my parents (who are both remarried) are in "new" relationships?

I'll get my hard hat now, as I get a feeling that won't be a popular view.

I think you just have to negotiate. On the other side I am sure that some parents never enter their teenager's bedrooms and others organise their underwear and vaccum under the bed every day. Different strokes for different folks.

I think in this situation your DH should respect your wishes. In the unlikely event that his teenage sons would like to snuggle with him in the mornings maybe he could join them? Perhaps he could also buy them a trampoline? Seriously, I am sure that in this case it is possible to recognise their needs and respect your privacy.

I think the whole point of the OP, was to illustrate the frustration of having a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD using the computer/fighting in the OP?s bedroom ? so we?re definitely not talking about younger children here. And as Suda rightly points out, a 16 yr old is easily old enough to understand what privacy means, and also to want some privacy for themselves, thus underlining that they understand the concept. Just because a child has separated parents, they should not be excused from growing up and developing manners and/or behaving in a way that would be expected in a together family.

I have an 18 yr old DSS who is woefully lacking in social skills and basic life skills, basically because he?s lazy ? however this has never been challenged due to the poor lamb coming from a ?broken home.? Everyone has tiptoed around him and ultimately given him a huge dis-service by failing to parent him.

I think we've all moved on from the op to the poor boy hanging about outside the bedroom door like a lost soul.

Laminate, it depends how situations are handled by the adults though.

The breakfast cereal situation for example. If the child is told "Sorry we've run out of chocolate cereal, I promise we'll get some today for you, let's see what else we've got" Then the child has a tantrum, fair enough ignore them whilst getting on with things and reassuring them they'll have it tomorrow.

If the child has been told "We have no chocolate cereal, suck it up" then the child might just have a massive tantrum and fair enough because the adult is being a nasty piece of work.

Or should the parent purchase chocolate cereal just to avoid a trantrum ...... (when there are already five different varieties of cereal in the cupboard)?

Well I'm glad we've now established that yes, indeed the OP was about a 16 year old who is in no way sad or anxious, and that those who had their wires crossed have that straight now!

And I too dislike the term 'new' relationship. I've been with DH 10 years now, so hardly new.

It's interesting the suggestion that children from separated homes can always be expected to be more anxious, that that allowances should be made for this - seemingly indeterminately, as the OP is about a 16 yo whose parents separated when he was 4. On that note, presumably I should also put DH's needs before my own - his parents also separated when he was young. Mine did not - do I therefore come last? To reiterate, this thread is not about a young child or a new relationship, so all those talking about young anxious children are either deliberately missing the point, or didn't bother to read what was written.

The thread is specifically about a 6 ft tall 16yo who was wrestling in my bed - thereby showing an utter lack of respect for us and our bedroom

merrymouse - very sensible post. Interestingly they do have a trampoline here. But they're averse to going outside - or actually to do anything much really. No time spent with friends at weekends, no outside interests that take up their time. Thus they're here 24/7 when they are round.

"The breakfast cereal situation for example. If the child is told "Sorry we've run out of chocolate cereal, I promise we'll get some today for you, let's see what else we've got" Then the child has a tantrum, fair enough ignore them whilst getting on with things and reassuring them they'll have it tomorrow.

If the child has been told "We have no chocolate cereal, suck it up" then the child might just have a massive tantrum and fair enough because the adult is being a nasty piece of work"

Haha. My 4 year old has a favourite cereal (not chocolate - if he insisted on that he would be sorely disappointed). When we run out he looks put out but I offer him something else. He gets over it. Do I promise to get his favourite later/next time? No. Simply put, I don't. Hes's 4, but he's capable of understanding that he doesn't get what he wants all the time. I don't want him to become expectant on getting exactly what he wants, or become fixated on one food type. To pander to that would be lazy parenting imo. If you think that makes me a nasty piece of work then

"The thread is specifically about a 6 ft tall 16yo who was wrestling in my bed - thereby showing an utter lack of respect for us and our bedroom"

Or a 16 year old who was behaving as if he was at home and relaxed.

So you should say "Hey, get off my bed, you hooligan. And don't come into my room ever without knocking. OK?"

Petal if buying the chocolate cereal means avoiding a tantrum and so everyone in the family having a happy start to the day, then yes I'd make sure the cereal was in the house.

Funnilly enough, this contrasts with DSS1. He eats very very few food types. Very difficult indeed when we visit friends/relatives/restaurants because he is so ridiculously fussy. It did him a lot of favours being pandered to when a young child, didn't it?

Well Quick if you make parenting decisions based on having an easy life then I very much disagree with your parenting style. It's lazy and not in the best interests of the children.