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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

325 replies

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:17

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

OP posts:
Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 12:06

Given it's the first time it's happened in 10 years, having the printer in there is hardly presenting an ongoing problem. There is nowhere else appropriate for the printer to go. And as I often work from home in my bedroom, that's where I need the printer.

It's an interesting point though. DS (4) knows where the treats are kept in the kitchen. He also knows that when he wants anything, he needs to ask me. He knows that he's not allowed to go into the cupboard and gobble everything up and make a mess when I'm not looking. Instead of teaching him these rules, I could have taken the alternative route of just hiding it all from him. But I don't believe in re-arranging the way we all live instead of teaching children the standards they're expected to abide by.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 09/10/2012 12:07

Laminate, no wouldn't say fed her all that rubbish food on regular visits. But if it was just a breakfast cereal then, yes I would provide that for regular visits.

wordfactory · 09/10/2012 12:10

The thing is allnew you seem utterly adamant that your behaviour towards your DSS is reasonable, and refusing to even consdieer there might be another way.

Which would be fine if you had a successful and happy blended family. But I'm presuming you don't ... or you wouldn't be on MN moaning about your DSSs would you?

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 12:15

what behaviour towards my DSSs? Not letting them wrestle in my bed?

"Which would be fine if you had a successful and happy blended family. But I'm presuming you don't ... or you wouldn't be on MN moaning about your DSSs would you?"

So everyone posting on mn moaning about something or other is unhappy? All those in the parenting board have an unhappy family?

In the OP I stated "Am just having a rant here!"

Yet you have taken poetic license to spectacturly misinterpet this as my having an unhappy family.

Other posters indeed seem to think that this larking around is a sign he is happy and relaxed. You seem determined to think otherwise. Clearly he's miserable and was jumping around about this instead Hmm

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/10/2012 12:19

Buy another printer and put it in the dss' room?

LaminateFlaw · 09/10/2012 12:19

In which case I think we are probably best agreeing to disagree Quick Smile If DSD got (in my opinion) decent, healthy meals at home then I wouldn't quibble about breakfast cereal. As she doesn't, DP and I do our best to ensure she gets decent, healthy meals when she's here, and that includes cereal.

wordfactory · 09/10/2012 12:20

From your commnets you are clearly not happy. You seem to be getting very irate over somehting fairly trivial. And similarly irate with posters who disagree with you.
And your DH is not on the same hymn sheet as you.

Something's up.

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 12:22

Yes hully that is indeed one idea - maybe a christmas present

OP posts:
seeker · 09/10/2012 12:30

I think you have a perfect right to say that they can't go into your bedroom. But I do think then online banking and underwear drying reasons are are a bit strange to be honest.

And I also think "disrespecting" your bedroom, and not wanting "a 16 year old male" in there are odd things to say. It's almost as if you think that there's something sexual in his behaviour.........

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 12:32

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar however

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 12:35

How's it odd to say that wresting on my bed is disrespectful?

I never suggested at all that his behaviour is sexual. But there are inevitably things in my bedroom of a sexual nature as I am an adult and that is where I have sex!

I didn't use online banking as a reason for him not to be in my room - I said I was cross with my DH at that particular time because I had the screen open on online banking. I do not think there is anything remotely odd about not wanting others to see my online banking details. Not least in his case because his mother regularly quizzes him for personal information about us. But equally I wouldn't want my best friend seeing my banking details, or my mother, or anyone actually.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/10/2012 12:37

Me and ds (15) were wrestling on my bed the other day and he accidentally kicked me off so that I flew across the room and banged into the wall. It really hurt.

So I wouldn't recommend it from a health and safety pov I must say.

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 12:42

I can only imagine DSSs' mother's reaction if one of them injured themselves while wrestling in my bed Hmm

OP posts:
seeker · 09/10/2012 12:57

Would her reaction be worse than if one of them was injured anywhere else?

And I am curious (sheer prurience, obviously) about the "things of a sexual nature" that are on display in your room.

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 13:00

No, Hully, not from a health and safety point of view nor from a boundaries perspective.

If I ever catch my DSSs wresting together (and, tbh, they have pretty much grown out of it) they blush and leap to their feet and pretend nothing was happening. And that is how it should be.

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 13:01

Did I say on display?

In any case - when I lef the room the bed was made. After they'd been in there the bed was unmade and the room was in disarray. Clearly it therefore wouldn't have been relevant whether something was "on display" when I'd left the room or not

OP posts:
Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 13:03

On a completely separate note - it would probably be good if they had something more interesting to get up to on a sunny afternoon other than play in my room

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/10/2012 13:06

bonsoir...oh never mind

words fail

how can you manage to be so entirely devoid of joie de vivre?

merrymouse · 09/10/2012 13:06

You can give a child what they need without giving them what they want and vice versa.

A step child may want coco pops because they need continuity, a sense if control, a nice breakfast, to feel that they belong in both homes. However you can meet those needs without buying coco pops.

You can also show them that things change, but their needs will be met. They won't always get what they want, and compromises will necessary, but that is ok. There are compromises in all families and they will survive.

Some people are happy to buy coco pops, some aren't. Coco pops are negotiable.

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 13:07

And stop saying your way is the only way and the right way. It's so monomaniacal.

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 13:16

Our home is full of joie de vivre - precisely because everyone is not banging into everyone else all the time and invading their space!

wordfactory · 09/10/2012 13:27

Goodness, my DC wrestle with each other, with DH, with the dogs...

And yet the sky has not fallen.

Lookingatclouds · 09/10/2012 13:32

Dd (9) and dsd (16) both have the run of the house, to me it's everyone's home. If we want some privacy we say so, but there is nowhere that is off-bounds. DD will just jump in bed with dp and I first thing in the morning, and dsd will also come and lie on the bed and chat with us. She also comes in to leave my clean laundry on the bed for me, put bedding and towels away, or to borrow my hairdryer when I'm at work, and it's never occurred to me to mind. And she isn't my dd or dp's, she's xh's child.

I really couldn't imagine saying a room was out of bounds to either of them. They just seem to get that they knock or call out before opening the door, we do the same when we go in their rooms. It's just something we all do and has never really needed any discussion as far as I can remember.

I totally get why you'd be cross at them wrestling on the bed and making a mess, but I'm not sure that I would go so far as to ban them from the room for just horsing around. I think if I'd found one of them rifling through a drawer, or reading the computer screen that would be different, but they were just messing around and not really thinking by the sound of it?

NotaDisneyMum · 09/10/2012 13:43

I don't think that my DSS hanging around outside doors and trailing his dad around the house is a whim - it is the sign of an unhappy, anxious little boy Sad

To address some of the comments made about my household - yes, perhaps there was more that DP could have done to address the issue. Perhaps seeking a specific issue order to secure youth counselling for DSS wasn't enough? Perhaps declining a promotion that would have require further changes to the contact schedule didn't go far enough? Perhaps the whole family following the advice of family support workers, counsellors and medical experts isn't the right thing to do?

According to the wisdom of MN, which is undoubtedly if more value than anything we have secured so far - my DSS would be fine if his SM (me) demonstrated my acceptance and love for him but stayed out of his life and didn't interfere with his relationship with his Dad.

I envy those families who are successfully negotiating the bumps in their journey - we have challenges the size of Everest to climb, which are more demanding - and the stamina and resources required are very different Angry

Petal02 · 09/10/2012 13:58

on a completely separate note ? it would probably be good if they had something more interesting to get up to on a sunny afternoon than play in my room

Absolutely. Don?t boys play football or climb trees or chase girls anymore?????????

Whenever I used to complain to DH about DSS?s apathy, his argument used to be ?well at least he?s not getting into fights or taking drugs? ? which I couldn?t argue with, however just because a teenager isn?t out and about , breaking the law, it doesn?t mean their behaviour is automatically healthy. Extreme apathy brings its own set of problems.

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