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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

325 replies

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:17

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

OP posts:
sudaname · 09/10/2012 11:27

Thanks Petal - yes exactly to the rest of your post. Just because a near adult or adult SS would rather his dad hadnt started a relationship which took some of his attention and time and effort spent on him away , doesnt mean he should be allowed or enabled to behave as if his father wasnt in a relationship and his stepmother doesnt exist or have any rights or needs of her own or they as part of a couple.
As Petal rightly says that can result in them growing up very lacking in social skills and consideration etc etc.

QuickLookBusy · 09/10/2012 11:28

Allnew, does your four year old live with you full time?

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:28

Seeker "Or a 16 year old who was behaving as if he was at home and relaxed"

Ahh - interesting, so you're admitting my 16yo DSSis relaxed and at home here. I can't be doing too much wrong then after all can I

OP posts:
LaminateFlaw · 09/10/2012 11:28

Quick but why should I buy chocolate cereal when there is already a number of other cereals? Personally, I don't think that it is a good start to the day, and neither does DP. So we don't buy it. Why should we apologise, and promise to get some?

All illustrative examples and not the point of the OP - I know.

allnew - I'd see it as a lack of respect too, however I think it wholly depends on what your "norms" are. I was brought up in a household where we didn't go in other people's rooms without invitation - it wasn't a draconian law, it was just how it was. Knock and be invited - fine. Just going in, regardless of whether anyone was there - not fine. DP has a different view - the DSCs should be able to come and go as they please (including hide and seek under our duvet - I'm not overly keen on that, seeing as we do adult things under there!) and taking things like electrical chargers without asking. Honestly - if DSS wants to borrow one of the Apple chargers then that's fine, but please ask first rather than just taking either mine or his that are plugged in next to the bed? DP and I have conflicting views on what bedroom privacy is all about and are still trying to resolve it. My progress with him to date - one rule when I'm in the house, and another when I'm not is not acceptable!

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:29

Yes Quick he does - your point?

OP posts:
seeker · 09/10/2012 11:32

"Seeker "Or a 16 year old who was behaving as if he was at home and relaxed"

Ahh - interesting, so you're admitting my 16yo DSSis relaxed and at home here. I can't be doing too much wrong then after all can I"

Not admitting- I never said I though he wasn't, did I? Or did I? I didn't mean to!

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 11:34

wordfactory - we (both) prioritise the children's education and upbringing very highly. That means that we don't pander to silly whims Smile

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 11:37

Bonsoir you seem obsessed with "whims"

A child having a desire/want or preference DOES NOT automatically = a whim.

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 11:38

A child hanging around outside a bedroom door waiting for a parent = a silly whim. Children fighting on parents' bed = silly whim.

There are things that are just childish and must be dealt with as such.

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:38

seeker, no to be fair, you actually haven't Smile. The tone of other posts certainly suggests otherwise though.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/10/2012 11:41

For 4 days a fortnight, my DPs every move - including those behind closed doors - is observed, noted and recalled.
If he makes a phone call, DSS listens; if he reads a letter, DS looks over his shoulder, if he leaves a room, DS stops whatever he is doing and trots after him, and if he shuts a door, DS waits just the other side until he reappears. Yes, it is incredibly sad that DSS will leave the dinner table and follows DP when he goes to get the salt from the kitchen

That ^^ = "a silly whim"?

Really?

Are you absolutely sure?

Because that makes you sound really nasty.

Catsmamma · 09/10/2012 11:42

Just to be pedantic, you do not say in your OP you have more than one computer. The issue is the Desktop and printer in YOUR room and a laptop elsewhere.

So my original comment about moving it still stands really.

You do also seem to have made a few comments about how much better your child is being raised in comparison to your stepsons.

I am getting a sense of distance between you and the stepchildren, if it had been me I'd have been up there tearing them off a strip for the horsing about....all this delegation to their father is divisive, not that effective as it obviously doesn't bother him one whit, and make it look like you are telling tales.

...but that's maybe just a snapshot from this OP, who knows?

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 11:43

That is unacceptable behaviour from anyone and must be dealt with as such.

QuickLookBusy · 09/10/2012 11:44

I was responding to Laminate initially who said her visiting DSD would tantrum if she didn't get the cereal she gets at her mums everyday.

If I had a DSC who visited a few days a fortnight, was a bit fussy about her cereal, I would then try to provide the same cereal that she gets at her main residence.

I wouldn't cause it lazy parenting, I'd call it being sensible.

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 11:44

Oh.

Nasty it is then.

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 11:45

Me too QLB

When my nephews come to stay (who eat coco pops) I buy coco pops. Then they take them home with them as I'd put them in the bin!

sudaname · 09/10/2012 11:45

'Or a 16yr old living as if he was at home and relaxed'..... should have ended with ... 'as if it is just him and his dad and his brother'.

Which it's not though is it ?

My point is as with my DSS when he lived with us. Had it been stiil just him and his dad l am more than sure he would be still wandering into his dads bedroom nicking clean socks out of his drawer ( he once did this aged 19 when his dad had gone to work and l was lying in bed Angry without knocking or saying a word, just wandered in and rummaging in drawer ) .
Or lying on his dads bed watching his TV or on his laptop if something wrong with his etc etc etc or he just preferred his.

Now all above are acceptable if they were both ok to live like that in a completely open everything communal lads house type of set up.

But when they are not , they are not !

Bonsoir · 09/10/2012 11:46

It makes our children happy to know where the boundaries are Smile. They willingly come to our house "extra" to be with just me/me and DD, so I think that they think that it is pretty nice here!

Hullygully · 09/10/2012 11:47

What about other children?

You are doing the classic thing of thinking your situation and apporach works for and suits everyone.

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:49

I am not moving a printer just because a 16yo can't control himself to not wrestle on my bed Hmm

"You do also seem to have made a few comments about how much better your child is being raised in comparison to your stepsons"

Comments such as the fussy eating - yes, agree with that and stand by it. What else?

I think everyone thinks their own method of parenting is best - otherwise they would stop parenting that way surely and just copy someone else? I read mn daily and people are constantly judgemental about other peoples' parenting styles. This is magnified as a sp because you find you have to live with the consequences

OP posts:
LaminateFlaw · 09/10/2012 11:51

But why? If her Mum fed her nothing but fish fingers, McDonalds, chips and chocolate cereal, should I do that too for an easy life when she is in our house Quick? It isn't the best thing for her. We are putting her first in the few days she is at ours.

Also - we know "but MUM lets me do that!!" does not necessarily mean it is true; a quick phone call to Mum can often confirm this Wink

Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:52

"When my nephews come to stay (who eat coco pops) I buy coco pops"

No doubt because you're spoiling them on an irregular basis (unless you've just got odd ideas about nutrition and would do it all the time). This thread is about step-children who have 2 homes. Not ad hoc visits to be spoiled with rubbish food.

OP posts:
Original poster
allnewtaketwo · 09/10/2012 11:54

Yes Laminate - on the one hand as step-parents, we're told we have to be the 'responsible adult'. yet on the other we've just got to copy another adults standards on nutrition for an easy life and so the child doesn't have a tantrum

OP posts:
LaminateFlaw · 09/10/2012 11:56

Agreed allnew about the irregular basis - when we go and visit DSCs grandparents, or stepgrandparents, I don't make a fuss about the amount of cakes/chocolates/treats that are bought for them as a treat as it isn't every other weekend and one/two overnights a week.

purpleroses · 09/10/2012 12:00

Just think you'd have an easier time keeping them out of your room if there isn't any reason they'd need to go in there. If you're not happy with them seeing your underwear on the radiator, laptop open with bank details on display, etc - then why put something they need to use (a printer) in the room?

They're presumably not supposed to be wrestling anywhere in the house, so if you allow them in to use the printer then they're as likely to feel a need to duff each other around in there as anywhere else.

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