Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

[allnewtaketwo]

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

Actually, don't bother.

I'll say it, too. Children don't come first in our household. Our family comes first. That means looking at the whole picture and figuring out what is best for the unit, not for one individual. The kids have all their material needs met, amply so. We do our very best to meet their emotional needs, their spiritual and moral needs (and frankly, even my DH will agree that I often am more in tune with what those are than he is).

After that, we can move on to what they "want". If what they want is not good for the family, they aren't going to get it. If one person's wants clash with another (say, my teenage DSS's want for a cooked breakfast - cooked by someone else, obviously - on a Saturday morning versus my "want" for a fifth hour of sleep after having been up with a restless toddler or a gigantic pile of laundry or the final chapter of a dissertation the night before...or my teenage DSD's "want" to brush her teeth RIGHT NOW versus my DH's "want" to take a shit in peace...or the kids' "want" to watch an episode of the series we are all watching as a family versus DH and I's "want" to have a quiet night in with a video ourselves and possibly have sex for the first time in a month) - we tend to weigh up the relative benefit to the family as a whole, and decide accordingly. Today, I might get what I want. Tomorrow, DSS might get what he wants. But nobody is going to get what they want prioritised over the principles by which DH and I agreed together to make a family. Is DSS's wish to eat bacon without having to put it on the grill himself going to take precedence over my wish to have a decent amount of sleep before getting back to work? Most of the time, no. On the other hand, DSS needs a certain amount of time with the family, and his family needs that with him, so on a regular basis, his "want" to stay in his room and play xbox might have to give way to coming downstairs and eating dinner with the rest of us.

And I can promise you, before you start, that most of my "wants" (including some that are pretty major, and some that most married/partnered women get to take for granted) go unfilled, because of what is best for my DSCs.

Doesn't every family work this way? Well, I guess not. In un-blended households, apparently, the kids are running the show. I suppose I shoudl count myself lucky.

Brdgrl very well put.

Defineme your post makes it clear how differently families operate, step or otherwise. In my parents home, including when i was growing up, there is no way I would have been in my mothers bedroom while she is/was getting changed. Nothing to with step/bio whatever, just that different families have different expectations and ways of doing things. Poor DH grew up in a house where his mother thought nothing of walking round naked, well into his teenage/adult years, even when he had friends round. He was constantly mortified by this as it was a running joke amongst his mates

i dont have dc or sc in our room, but then we dont have a tv,laptop or anything other than bed and clothes, dressing table in our room so cant see why theyd be in there anyway. but i agree its the one place in the house thats your own space. Just like i wouldnt go rearranging their bedroom

I am not a step parent, but I do believe that any family has to balance the wants and needs of others.

However, when DC are sad/anxious then their needs should usually outweigh the adults in the house, even if it means the adults aren't over the moon.

The OP's DSS is clearly sad and anxious. Therefore his needs must trump those of the adults.

Children don?t come first in our household. Our family comes first. That means looking at the whole picture and figuring out what is best for the unit, not for one individual.

Superb post. Although sadly, too many people are afraid to apply this rational thinking to any arrangement that includes step children.

word What gives you the impression that the OPs DSS is sad and anxious?
He was play-fighting on the OPs bed with his brother - is that indicative of a sad, anxious teen?

The OP's DSS is clearly sad and anxious. Therefore his needs must trump those of the adults.

Exactly Wordfactory.

But Why? Why is is clearly anxious and unhappy? Because he opts to use the computer in his Dads room rather than family areas of the house?

you are mixing up the op's dss and the other one

Apologies not the OP, but the poster who said her son had anxiety issues. In those circumstances where he is hovering ourtside, I think the father should go and speak to him. He clearly is not having a nice time . And although I can see the poster doesn't like it, I do think you have to lump it when DC are in a bad place. And I guess step DC are more likely to be in a bad place because their parents have split up.

But the OP can certainly ask her DSSs not to waltz in whenever they like. A blanket ban seems too draconian though.

wordfactory - what if he is always doing it though? Yes, if there are odd occasions where that is the case, but if it is constant, then what? And at what point do DC have to accept that their parents have split up and that things have changed?

I should clarify - that last point refers to DC being in a bad place because their parents have split up. In my case, DSD has worked out that if she has a tantrum about anything where she doesn't get her own way, and cries, DP doesn't have any of it. If she then goes "but I'm sad because you and mummy aren't together any more" then he relents. Thankfully, he has worked this out too. Is this a bad place, or playing up? Should we be lumping this?

Aside, I know. Although sometimes she comes and sits on our bed and does it, if you want me to stay on topic

Agree with previous poster, we did this when i moved in with dp and went easy on the sc because it was a new situation me taking on the role of stepmum even though their parents had split a few years previous. It was a complete nightmare and basically taught them they could come and behave however they liked, Im all for allowances for certain things but they soon turn into excuses.

the dc ( sc and ds)come and sit in my room with me, to chat about the day ect if i am in there i would never ban from a certain room. but they know not to go in otherwise (mostly because its the only place in the house i can hide any presents this time of year)

I think the family comes first too. But that sometimes means that an individual member of the family comes first for a while. And an anxious, insecure child's needs trump adult needs for as long as necessary.

But seeker - I understand that an anxious and insecure child's needs should be considered, but what if that consideration (for example, rushing to them when they are sat outside of a door) will not help the bigger picture problem? Yes, it might alleviate their concerns at that time to attend to them, but not long term, in my opinion.

I think if a child were always doing it, then the parent, who surely has the responsibility here not the step parent, needs to address insecurity at a wider level.

Ignoring that insecurity to prioritise the new relationship will probably only result in more insecurity on the part of the child and consequent difficulties for the new relationship.

It's natural of course to want to prioritise the new relationship, but ultimately that might prove counter productive for all concerned.

Of course it will long term because if their needs are met, the anxiety will pass and they won't sit outside the bloody door like a sad puppy. On the other hand, of course you can teach them to piss off and suck it up, what a great lesson.

Or what word said more politely

Yes Petal they are afraid to apply any such reasonable logic to DSCs.

My DH used to 'shush' me if ever we were in the bath but we dont both fit now or bathroom together and DSS was at bottom of stairs going out. DH shouted 'Bye' to him or whatever but wanted me to keep quiet as he didnt want him to know we were 'shock horror' in the bathroom together.
l used to shout out anyway for devilment sometimes.
It was like he didnt want him to know or think of us as a couple at all whatsoever , which imo only fed DSSs flat refusal to respect any boundaries or grant us any privacy in recognition of this.

Yes, hovering outside a door constantly is most probably a symptom of the main problem, not the actual problem IYSWIM.

The parent needs to address matters. Needs to accept all is not well as opposed to burying their head in the sand. Needs to accept that their DC needs priority at this time. Needs to ask for the step parents support in this.

Ultimately this may result in a more happy family life, rather than everyone competing for attention.

I take as an example a girlfriend of mine who has two older SDDs. At first, her new partner had to put the girls' needs firmly at the front. There were times when my friend felt fed up, pushed out, impatinet. But she knew deep down that he was right to do it. That it made him a good father, and also that in the end she would end up with a much more harmonious family life.

Short term (ish) pain, for long term gain.

Sorry, I too was thinking of the poor boy who follows his dad around rather than the OP's.

From what the poster who mentioned this has said, I don't think it is a matter of ignoring a child's insecurity to prioritise a new relationship - it appears that the child would do that whether their stepmother were there or not. I would also not advocate just ignoring people all the time, however there is a point in life that people do need to learn to "piss off and suck it up".

I'm not overly keen on the phrase "new" relationship, incidentally. To me, it reads with undertones of people off gallivanting around ignoring their children for the new woman or man in their life. But that might just be me with my hackles up, because of all the step-parent bashing that I see or personally receive.