DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Nope, not too early at all.

Ice and a slice?

^I think a lot of parents reduce hours or change jobs to suit their children.

I think that's quite normal^

Dear God, well maybe in your world where no-one is struggling to earn a living. But not in the real world. I'd love to be able to change/leave my job, because it certainly impacts on my daughter - but instead I've just extended for 2 more years because we bloody well need the money.

It's all bollocks you know.

We all know you have to be soooo careful when posting about stepchildren so that no-one will jump on you and call you a terrible person and reel of those exact comments I have made ^ up there, over and fucking over again, blindly ignoring any evidence the OP may give that while she might want to actually have a life with her husband, she does truly consider her stepchildren and their happiness.

Unless something changes he will still be acting like this when he 40. A normal 18 would not want to spend days with their parents but doing things with their friends.

Always nice to know one isn't normal!! At 18,and even older,I and DSis (BSc,MSc, 3 kids,left home and the UK at 22) spent plenty of days with our parents.Because we liked them and enjoyed spending time together.And with my Gran as well. DD spends time with us.
Some people like to spend their time with their friends,some with family,some with both. So what? If DSS is unhappy and feeling friendless that is different,but if he is just not much of a going out type of person,then that is just an individual difference.

So your DSS cant possibly wait in a town for 30 minutes or whatever because it's too rough for him. Seriously! Are there no cafes, libraries, sports centers etc where he can wait. It's unbelievable that you can criticize his DM and your DH for babying him then make statements like this.
I don't suppose it's just because it suits you for this arrangement to be impractical so that he wont be able to come to your house for the extra nights

Doesn't matter Amber, she'll continue trashing her 'D'SS and his parents will continue using him. There's really no point, she honesty doesn't see how wrong her behaviour is, or her husbands. Only the EXW and of course, 'the lump.'

Hopefully this kid gets the self esteem from a responsible and kind adult elsewhere to get away from these toxic people.

Sending thoughts to SS's way, I'm out. This is all too depressing.

This is not that sort of thread OhChristFenton.

Its a bit boring hearing that standard defence whenever someone challenges the actions of a step parent TBH.

Petal has behaved badly in this.

I dont know how its defensible, in fact it isnt because no one has actually acknowledged the posts outlining certain things. it hasnt been defended its just been ignored!

Fenton other than saying he doesn't have a bad bone n his body she's never posted one nice thing about him, let alone caring! Now that is laughable. If you care for someone you do it for their own good, not for yourself.

What she truly 'cares' about getting rid of him, not his happiness. The irony is she's probably just making him more dependent with her attitude and less likely for him to go away. I do hope he does remove himself from his toxic parents and stepmother however.

Oh, and I come from a large family, with many blended families of all sorts. I have nothing at all against step parents. They have a thin line to tread and it's very admirable to me when they love their stepchildren as their own. I don't view my step cousins or their children as step...Never even think about it unless I'm on this board.

Petal fits none of this criteria. I doubt it actually has anything to do with being a stepmum actually, she's just a selfish person and doesn't like the fact her husband has a child, so she takes it out on him. Lovely.

Now I really am out. Good luck to that boy, he needs it.

Parents are allowed to refer to their own children as useless lumps and goons, it happens all the time over in teenagers, - look for yourself (and by the way that was quite some time ago that Petal did, and she did at the end of her tether IIRC)

Parents are allowed to be frustrated by and to want to encourage teenagers who hang around the house all day and get under their feet.

Resident parents are allowed to say "I've just booked a holiday and guess whose got the kids? - yes the ExH ha ha ha ha!" and be probably congratulated for doing so

etc etc

It's double standards, I'm not directing that at you Amber - but at this here site innit.

We'll have to agree to disagree here I think.

"I dont know how its defensible, in fact it isnt because no one has actually acknowledged the posts outlining certain things. it hasnt been defended its just been ignored!"

The obscure nature of that statement illustrates that the writer has not actually read half the posts or taken in what Petal is saying.

The realitly is that Petals position doesn't need defending.

I wonder if there's any Limoncello (sp) knocking about...

I don't know what it is like to be a stepparent,but I do sometimes want more of a life with my DH. Our DCs are here all the time though.

I don't think Petals DH should change his job,I think DSS's suggestion was impractical,I don't see why DSS being there in the week should stop Petal and her DH doing things on weeknights - but I still feel sorry for DSS just from the whole tone of how he has been talked about.

normally when SP threads run this long then end up getting deleted

The obscure nature of that statement illustrates that the writer has not actually read half the posts or taken in what Petal is saying

Ive read and taken in, I just don't agree with them-thats not the same thing.

Its not obscure. its true!

The realitly is that Petals position doesn't need defending

Her behavior seems to be being defended or just not challenged.

Can you honestly say that Petal has behaved impeccably? can you honestly say that she hasn't added to this sorry mess with some of her actions?

normally when SP threads run this long then end up getting deleted

Ironically the only thing thats been deleted is Petals vile post to me.

lurking you last post is very telling - imagine stating on any forum that "you have nothing at all against mothers" and yet because we are "merely" step-mothers we are fair target for that kind of comment.

You also state that "it's very admirable to me when they love their stepchildren as their own." That's not admirable - it's a f***g miracle and very rare.

It's easy not to view step-cousins and their children as "step" because you don't have to live with them.

Try living with someone for whom you are expected to cook, clean up after, ferry around the countryside to various activities, nurse when they are sick, clean up their vomit, financially support and change your plans for at the last minute because their mother has let them down, when you have absolutely no say in how that person runs their own life and how that impacts on you. It's all the responsibility with none of the authority or ability to change anything and it's beyond frustrating.

Can you actually be any more patronising?

"I don't dislike him at all". Ouch. Not the same as caring for him at all, is it?

Well, maybe she doesn't like him. You can't force yourself to like somebody if you just don't. It would be nicer if she did like him, but if she doesn't, she doesn't.

What matters is how Petal is when she is with her DSS and DH. We can say "her dislike shines through her posts" or whatever, but this is a space for her to post about how she feels, and is completely apart from the way she is with her family. None of us know how she actually acts in that setting. Maybe she dislikes DSS but is still respectful and pleasant to him. Or not. I don't know, I'm amazed at the extent to which some people claim to have absolute insight into a situation based on bit of information posted here.

I don't think that Petal has come across as a wicked stepmother, or a put-upon innocent. I think she falls somewhere in between. As, probably, do all the other players in this scenario. In a situation this complicated, I doubt there are easy answers and easy doorsteps to park blame at.

^I?ve never witnessed any spark or any fight, or any attitude or any spirit or any initiative or anything which indicates that a flicker of life may be present. Even DH?s relatives despair. I just think he?s incredibly lazy. Growing up is too much of a hassle, takes him away from his X-Box too often, and therefore he avoids it like the plague.^

I actually felt physically sick reading this. I would find it extremely hard to write such judgemental comments about an ADULT that I actively disliked - far less my husband's adolescent child. We are a step-family so I'm not talking from a smug nuclear-family perspective either.

Remarkable that a position that "doesn't need defending" has generated 20 pages of discussion and differences of opinion. And that someone whose position doesn't need defending started the thread at all, and asked 'tell me if I'm wrong' in their OP . And that posters defending Petal make statements like the above, then criticise those who disagree for 'claiming to have absolute insight into the situation'. There's the double standard for you.

I think when the op asked for 'honest opinions' and 'if she was wrong' she was being disingenuous in stating that was her reason for posting this thread. She's not looking for 'honest opinions' just those that agree with her. Not an entirely unique stance to take when faced with many posters who don't agree with her views.

She asked for honest opinions from fellow stepmums, - she's had a fair bit of that, - but also a huge heap of character assassination from a bunch of others who don't have an ounce of understanding on the subject.

I am a fellow stepmother, and, indeed, have a DSS1 who is at the same age/stage as Petal02's DSS.