DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Well perhaps all children are different and some suit a rigid structure and some do not.

And as time goes by flexibility should be the main thing, but a lot of separated parents won't do this.

1. Petal doesn't like DSS and does not want him around;
2. she does not want flexible contact (even if DSS could do it under his own steam) she wants less contact;
3. Petal resents the relationship DH has with DSS;
4. DSS is not welcome in her home and it is certainly not his home too.

Petal has not had a single positive thing to say about DSS - I find that very sad indeed, he is probably massively insecure when he can feel your dislike for him and his intrusion.

That's utter bollocks Overcooked.

Which bit Fenton?

What OhChristFENTON said.

All Petal has ever wanted was for when her DSS became an older teen and then an ADULT for the contact to be less rigid and more flexible. Its the adherence to a rota created to support an 11 year old boy that causes the frustration.

Oh - the whole lot of what you said Overcooked.

I agree with Keema and OhChrisFenton

How do you know all that, over?
Are you petals conscience?

When a discussion deteriorates into one person dictating another's feelings, it's time to hide the thread

when has she ever said anything positive about him, seriously her dislike of him and the situation really does shine through. It may becuase he's a teenager and can be difficult but she should at least be honest about her feelings - she sees him as an imposition.

sorry, Disney, I should have begun my first post with - IMO and from reading the entire thread, and another that I have stumbled upon...

I do not claim to be Jiminy Cricket!

I've seen her say positive things about him.

Wow, Overcooked - can you read my mind too? What a great party trick. I bet you are a joy to be around.

Really, you should tell Dynamo, you could be an ace double act!

I wonder who will grow up first: Petal or the stepson?

Keema, the responsibility for that has to lie with the boy's parents. Wanting the DSS to become more independent as he got older, while his parents don't nurture the skills/tools DSS needed to develop that characteristic, is a futile exercise IMO. Maybe petal has tried to suggest this to her DP but if he has failed to act, and continue to support adherence to 'the rota' then petal's frustrations should be aimed at her DP. I think those who are critical of petal see her views of, and frustrations with, her DSS as wrong because DSS's parents have not done much/anything to encourage independence/maturity and do have to take responsibility for having a son who continues to want to live by 'the rota'. So petal being sarcastic about her DSS's apparent clingyness to his time with his dad is to many posting here, not where her frustrations should lie. To those of us outside the step parent scenario, it's hard to see the child/young adult take the brunt of a step parent's frustrations when the parent is clearly more responsible for creating the situation petal is frustrated with.

At what point does the parents failure to teach their DC independence and the skills to function in society as a young adult become emotional abuse?

Perspective, but please realise that "it's hard to see the child/young adult take the brunt of a step parent's frustrations" doesn't happen. Petal posts here, vents her frustrations here , but detaches in RL.

She has begged and pleaded with her DH to help her, to see what he and his ex wife are doing to their son, to no avail. If she doesn't take the bull by the horns herself it could be worse for DSS.

Thank you Eve, I don't know who Dynamo is but you appear to be complimenting me on some mind reading skills that I didn't know I had.

The things I wrote were taken after reading this and one or two other threads - as most things on the forum are - my opinion if you like.

Poor boy must feel like shit. By the sounds of it, he has a mother that sees him as a cash machine, a father who tries hard but can't see him on weekdays because of his job, a SM who pushed him into getting a job even though it would reduce the time he spent with his dad to, well, zero as far as I can see.

He doesn't feel at 'home' in his mother's house (issues with her new husband?), he doesn't feel at home at his dad's house because they are unwilling to try to fit in time to see him, how unwanted does this young man feel?

What alternative arrangements has the OP offered, that takes into account her DP's job, her DSS's school and job (that SHE wanted him to get), AND the fact that his dad's house is inaccessible by public transport? I can't see ANY arrangement being proposed, other than the DSS learning to drive.

So who is going to pay for his lessons, car, tax, insurance (which will be bloody astronomical at that age), MOT, fuel, and any repairs the car might need to keep it on the road?

Because he sure as hell won't be able to afford to as a child still in FT education and working the other two days a week.

So where does the OP expect the money for that to come from?

The OP/her DH haven't actually offered ANY practical contact to the DSS. So is the contact meant to stop entirely until he is working FT, and can afford to run a car? Are the OP & her DH going to cover all the costs involved in running a car? Because it doesn't sound like the DSS's mother will help with that at all...

For the DSS.

So, OP, what contact do YOU propose, and are you and your DH planning to pay the majority of the costs involved in running a car and keeping it on the road? Because otherwise, that's NOT a practical solution for a teenager still in FT education and a two day a week job for really low wages...

Which would mean that if you are not prepared to cover the costs involved with learning to drive (lessons are £30 an hour here), and running a car, AND you/your DH aren't offering ANY other alternative contact with you or your DH doing pick ups, then what you are saying is that you expect contact to stop until your DSS is working FT.

NADM - "I'd be interested to read any research into the outcomes for children raised in the two different models."

There aren't two models of parenting as described by brdgrl so you are unlikely to find any research on them

The approach that brdgrl described definitely exists - I was absorbed into a practising family through marriage for 12 years

He sounds perfecty able to function in the adult world to me:

He has a part time job.

He prefers the company of adults to teens.

He's studying sensible subjects and intends to go to university.

He sound a good kid.

There are some very fixed ideas on here about the way 18 year olds should be behaving.What happened to everyone being an individual??
My own 18 year has friends at school and friends online,but she doesn't go out with them.I didn't see my school friends much out of school when I was 18 and doing A levels,I hate going out in groups,my interests were mostly introverty inside things,and I liked being at home - but I now have a family,a job,survived Uni quite happily.

At 18 I probably was a bit immature. But I grew up.( in a home enviroment which accepted me as I was)

Does the DSS really have no friends,or does he just have friends he is happy to see mainly at college etc? Does he really have no interests,or just interests that other posters don't consider valid? (genuine question...) And he has a job,doesn't he? He's been independent enough to get that. And to tell his Dad and step mum when he wants to see them...

And to allnew - I am not a SM basher, I have BEEN a SM myself, and though I split with my DSD's dad nearly 4 years ago, they still come to see me despite having cut contact with their frankly useless father.

If I am a SM basher, then I'm bashing myself FGS.

I just tell my opinion, sometimes make wrong assumptions based on my life experiences, but I am perfectly within my rights on MN to state my opinion.

If you dealt with my wrong assumptions sensibly, without recourse to insults and veiled barbs, it would be much appreciated. We can disagree on things without it meaning that you are a 'wicked SM', it just means that we have a difference of opinion.

No idea NADM. In the context of this thread, I don't think either parent here saw their parenting as EA, and neither would have been open to the suggestion that their feelings towards contact and each other were detrimental to the DSS well being. But the reality is they have raised a child to follow a rota, and have failed to adapt that as he got older. The problem is the OP is frustrated with her DSS and is expecting him to show initiative her DP never has. I can imagine how frustrating it is to deal with someone you view as an adult behaving like a child but it's not like he was given any other example to follow. If she had an expectation on how her DSS should behave by a certain age then the fact the the signs were there for a while this wasn't going to happen should have at least given her the chance to try and influence her DP. If she has tried this and her DP still failed to act, then I really don't see the DSS as being at fault. Aiming the frustrations at the DSS here is wrong IMO.