DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

PrideofChanur. Agree.

Couthy, you seen to have missed sizeable chunks of this thread ? however allow me to enlighten you on a few points.

DSS used to visit Thursday 4pm-Sunday 6pm. This can?t happen any more due to his job. So DH offered him Thursday 4pm-Saturday lunch time. Two nights, and a Saturday morning. We don?t mind if he wants to do this every week, or every other week. We expect to have him an average of two nights per week, we?re not too bothered how this is configured, just so long as it?s flexible and logistically possible.

DSS asked for the Tuesday-Saturday option. DH can?t accommodate this. So the offer of Thursday 4pm-Saturday lunch time still stands, I don?t really mind what sort of arrangements he wants to make (we?ve both told him this) providing (a)we?re not tied to exactly the same arrangements week in, week out, there should be the option of flexibility on both sides and (b) DSS has to realise that DH can?t get him to/from college Tuesday-Friday without seriously jeopardising his job.

However if DSS wants to participate in some ?after hours? activities at college, DH is quite happy to pick him up afterwards, he can have an evening meal with us, and then DH will take him home. This means DSS will stay at his Mum?s overnight, meaning he?s easily able to get to college the next day. Yes, it does constitute a fair bit of running around for DH, but he?s OK with this, because it?s in the evening and therefore not impacting on his working day. Despite what other people think, DH and I both believe that DSS is old enough to understand that not everything he wants can be accommodated.

I know lots of posters get hung up on the amount of overnight stays take place each week, however DH is of the view that if DSS has had his evening meal with us, even if DH takes him home afterwards (so that he can get to college the next day) that he?s borne the cost element of the evening, and won?t listen to the ex kicking up a fuss about maintenance.

So to summarise, we?re quite relaxed about what/where/when we see DSS, providing any arrangement is not set in stone (ie can be varied from one week to the next) and that the transport arrangements are realistic.

As regards the job, no one forced him to get a job, however both DH and I (and his Careers Adviser) keep telling him that he needs to do something extracurricular for both his personal development and his university application. Obviously as he attends college Monday-Friday, the most likely time for him to work is at weekends. Or should we be discouraging anything that hampers the access rota? What if he decided he wanted to play football or cricket? Should this be discouraged if the fixtures clash with access?

I don?t understand why so many people think that infantilising an 18 yr old is the only appropriate parenting model.

Well said CouthyMow (as usual!)

Petal02 - you do your own case absolutely no favours by using terms such as "infantilising". Your family has a huge organisational issue to sort out, but stop putting all the onus (and blame) on your DSS. It makes you look horrible.

Petal, your last response actually sounds a lot more measured and like something you could realisitically discuss with DSS< Why can't you sit down and work something out that does work - even if he does want to stick to a rota of sorts, why does it matter, at least you know where you are.

Also can't DH agree to drop off and pick up at the nearest town - there is absolutely no reason DSS couldn't make his own way there.

I often made my own way to my Mum's younger than 18 and in a not very nice area at not a good time of night - not advising this by the way but it is a way to harbour independence...

All Petal has ever wanted was for when her DSS became an older teen and then an ADULT for the contact to be less rigid and more flexible

But thats really not true is it? because her threads go back quite a way.

Was she really concerned when he was 15 yrs old about how things will be when hes 18? or was her concerns relating to how she felt at that time?

I think some Step parenting regulars see only what they want to see TBH. I can understand sticking together when the mean old SM bashers descend but this is not that, really it isnt.

It is glaringly obvious that its not a healthy or functioning situation and im not just refering to the 'infantalising' of this boy aspect.

Petals attitude is not positive, obviously as this is a big issue to her. But dont make out she has done no wrong.

This is the person that engineered a holiday for her and her DH in advance knowing it would clash with her DSSs time with his dad. she did that deliberately and stated so on this forum.

Oh and please save the stalker accusations, I read that thread at the time and it stuck with me as I was staggared by the selfishness, bitterness and immaturity involved in it.

Actually - infantilising is the action of the parent, not the child.
It is directed at the parents in this context

Well said Amber.

Overcooked ? we?ve tried this approach time and time again with DSS, as it seems perfectly reasonable to me, but DSS?s solution was the Tuesday-Saturday suggestion. I was alarmed by this, hence my starting this thread yesterday morning.

However the situation has (sort of) resolved itself as the Tuesday-Saturday proposal hasnow been declined by DH, on the grounds I?ve outlined. So the ?deal on the table? is the ?we don?t really mind what you do providing it?s possible and flexible? option, which seems to have outraged so many other posters.

DH is quite happy to pick DSS up from college in the evenings, providing DSS can wait til DH has finished work. The morning journeys present more of a challenge, which is why DH would prefer to drop DSS back at his mother?s after dinner, so that in the morning he can get to college easily.

I realise that a lot of posters will think that we?re behaving inappropriately by not indulging all DSS?s wishes. But (whether people like it or not) DSS is a young adult, who needs to understand that his actions and wishes need to fit into the lives of those around him.

I?m satisfied with the outcome of this.

All petal comes up with is problems, why can't a workable solution be offered i.e. pick up and drop off at nearest town.

And I really don't see what is wrong with visits being a set times - it's not infantalising him, it's so everyone knows where they stand and he/them/DM can work around it - I don't see the problem.

I really don't think (from reading this thread and others) that petal has a problem with the rota she just wants to see him less - if he was dropping in unannounced (which he should be able to) I think she would have something to say about that as well.

He can't win.

NADM - and so? Why would Petal02 not sound a lot nicer (and garner a lot more sympathy) if she could ask advice about how to nurture and accompany her DSS to adulthood?

You're satisfied by this. YOU. Is your DSS? Or is he liable to be feeling like your wishes override his feelings, and that he isn't wanted there as much?

I just don't think I could treat a family member like that, not my DC's, not my DSD's.

And maybe his MOTHER is insisting on a rota, so that she knows when she has to buy food for him? If, like me, you meal plan for a month at a time, flexibility would result in wasted food.

Wow. I havn't read every post on here, nor any of petals previous threads but.. wow.

The man being discussed here, and he is a man, needs let go of the apron strings! He could get married, have a family, get a mortgage, move abroad and many other things at his age!

How absolutely ridiculous for OP to be expected to accommodate her husbands needy adult son! Every single week. For a specific number of hours.

Yes I get that he is a student living at home, but he goes to college near his mums, and works near his mums, therefore it makes absolute sense for him to be there most of the time and see his dad as and when it is reasonably possible.

Fgs, I was a single mother, running my own home and 2 jobs at 18! I popped round to my mums when it was convenient for both of us.

If both parents lived within walking distance of eachother, then fair enough, the son should be able to come and go between the two houses, but obviously that is not the case. It is extremely difficult for everyone involved to ensure this man can see his father for X hours per week.

Sorry for ranting but this whole situation is ridiculous.

And when you say. 'flexible', you mean to suit YOU. Because flexible doesn't suit your DSS, does it? So it's all about 'you'.

Evasmum

Read the whole thread and maybe get an idea of the backstory then it may not seem so 'wow' well actually it may do but not in the way you're currently thinking.

I repeat: the ?deal on the table? is the ?we don?t really mind what you do providing it?s possible and flexible? option. If it?s not possible and not flexible, then unfortunately DSS?s wishes will not be granted, but then remember that lots of young adults have to work around younger siblings/parents? shifts/public transport etc, so I bet very few of them get things 100% their own way.

Yes, I am satisfied. DH is satisfied. We?ve offered DSS a realistic way to visit that fits in with his college work, his weekend job, and with DH?s job. That?s how real life works. I doubt DSS will be satisfied, but only a ?young child? arrangement would suit him and sadly he?s no longer a young child. I realise he doesn?t want to start maturing, but everyone has to start somewhere. He?s not being rejected, he just has to realise that he can?t have DH running around after him, like he did when he was 11.

He sounds so insecure, he isn't wanted anywhere. :(

You do realise if the conversation was 'sorry this isn't feasible (which I actually agree with under the 'only' options you've listed) and instead we're doing XZY' could cause him to regress and become more clingy? Being so obsessed with how many hours he spends at his home with his father, he will have probably heard 'too difficult, you're not worth it,' even though that isn't the case.

IMO, he needs nurturing and understanding, not forcing. No that doesn't mean giving into his every whim and desire but there seems to be very little empathy for WHY he may not be maturing as quickly as his peers.

You can put a band-aid on a bullet wound, but unless your DH and his ex get to the root of his insecurities things will only get worse.

I feel really sorry for your SS. :(

You sound so smug Petal. :(

Fair point amberleaf, I will do later when I have chance because some of the replies seem very very odd based on what I've read up to now.

Maybe its because I was independent a lot younger than the OP's Dss, it seems strange for him to want this sort of structured back and forth between parents at his age.

I am pissing myself at all of the sad faces.

"He isn't wanted anywhere"

Apart from his Mum's House and his Dad's house.

Sorry for laughing Petal, but sad faces for an 18 year old who can go and see his Dad when he wants, if he wants, just not in a rigid structure is just mental.

Petal so you/DH can just keep saying no to a proposal until it suits you, why can't youy offer alternatives or have a proper discussion with him.

And really, what is the problem with doing drop off and pick ups in the next town...

Well I may be mental but at least I have compassion for the fact he has a money grubbing mother and a stepmother who dislikes him so strongly she's referred to him as 'a lump.' I don't think it's funny to laugh at deeply insecure people, whether they be a child or barely legal or an adult.

I thought half the point of this thread is he can't see his dad when he wants, if he wants because there's no public transport?

I agree with the suggestion about taking him to the nearest town for transport.

Couthy ? this hasn?t all been arranged to suit me, it?s been arranged primarily to fit in with DH?s job. I gather most of you think DH should reduce his hours or cease working (will god provide?????) to accommodate his son, but to those of us who inhabit the real world, a job is a necessity (god may not provide, and he certainly won't make maintenance payments to the ex).

When I was 18, if I wanted lifts to/from anywhere I had to wait til Mum or Dad got home. My parents (thankfully) weren?t insane enough to organise their professional lives around my schedule. It was the other way round.

Only in a step family would it be suggested that life is run totally to suit the (18 yr old) child.

I agree your husband shouldn't be cutting so deeply into his professional life to accommodate a rota, but it really does come across like the options are 'our way or no way.'

Some empathy would really help him gain independence is all I think people are trying to say.