DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

To clarify: When I say 'our way or no way,' it doesn't seem like other options have been considered at all.

DH is of the view that if DSS has had his evening meal with us, even if DH takes him home afterwards (so that he can get to college the next day) that he?s borne the cost element of the evening, and won?t listen to the ex kicking up a fuss about maintenance
that doesn't really sound like a very loving arrangement. It's actually very similar to the DSS totting up the amount of contact hours he spends with his Dad.
This whole situation just sounds desperately sad, and not particularly well handled.

Hence my comment about him not being wanted.

It seems like all the adults in his life are either using him or find him a burden/hindererence. No wonder he's so clingy, which stems from insecurity.

Petal02, I've gone back to look at some of your earlier posts (stalked you, according to some ) and I just find this whole situation incredibly sad. I realise your frustration is justified, but I also feel so sorry for this young man. His parents split when he was just 11 and BOTH of them have really fucked him over royally.

You have described his mother, the resident parent, thus:
" ... she?s hell bent on ensuring that DH does every single minute of parenting that he?s supposed to, and if he ?gets away with? 5 mins here or there, then he?s shirking his responsibilities and not doing enough. However both scenarios are about control.

Last year?s attempts at flexibility fell down mainly because the ex felt that if DSS wasn?t having the correct amount of overnight stays with us, then she should be entitled to more maintenance. She threatened to go to the CSA. She had a go at DSS about this, DSS got upset, and DH would rather sail on an Italian cruiseliner than subject DSS to the wrath of his mother."

Well no wonder this poor boy is so careful about maintaining the same amount of time at your house regardless! If he doesn't, there is hell to pay at his main residence. and on top of that she chose to move a distance and not offer transport, both of which make the contact more difficult to achieve. All this must make him very aware that he is not much of a priority to his mother .

And you've castigated your DH many times about being a Disney Dad, never saying no to his son, pandering to everything, never involving you in decisions but expecting you to just comply with his.

You've made many references to your stepson being infantilised. Is it any wonder, given the upbringing he has had? From both parents? I would expect he's had any initiative he may have had soundly whipped from him in his attempt to please his parents. God knows neither sound as if they've offered him anything in the way of guidance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, surely you (because you sound pretty switched on to me) can see that your frustrations are NOT your DSS's fault? He is the sum of his experiences, and his experiences have mainly involved feeling unwanted, spare, surplus to requirements. The blame lies squarely at the door of your husband and his ex-wife. She has taken out her ire with him via their son, and he has been too supine and spineless to address the matter and care for his son appropriately. In the middle is a teenager with no friends and no interests, because both have been sacrificed on the alter of The Access Rota. Too scared to deviate from an out-of-date arrangement lest his mother go apeshit again.

The whole thing is just SO FUCKING SAD.

No matter how much of a pain you find his company, have you no pity whatsoever for this young man?

Do I feel sorry for DSS? Not any more. I used to feel sorry for him (when I first got with DH) but not now. I?ve never witnessed any spark or any fight, or any attitude or any spirit or any initiative or anything which indicates that a flicker of life may be present. Even DH?s relatives despair. I just think he?s incredibly lazy. Growing up is too much of a hassle, takes him away from his X-Box too often, and therefore he avoids it like the plague.

Just to go back to a point that was raised a few times ? DH would be quite happy to drive to the next town to collect DSS, if DSS could catch a bus from college into that town. However DH?s working hours can be a little unpredictable, and rather than say to DSS ?I?ll collect you from the bus station in town at 6.30pm? and then keep him waiting 30 mins, DH is prepared to drive to college and collect DSS, providing door-to-door service. This is because the town in question isn?t the best of areas, and neither of us really want DSS hanging around there waiting for DH.

But it doesn?t matter what DH or I do, we?ll be considered wrong unless we indulge DSS totally.

I consider you wrong because you despise your own stepson.

That is sad, however laughable others may think that is. Poor guy. I hope he does raise his confidence so he can get the Hell away from you and work on his insecurities you useless three adults have instilled in him.

He's gone and has a chance to be happy, he's gone and you're gleeful happy. Everybody wins.

You give stepmothers a bad name.

Can you honestly say that you like your step son, Petal?

I think a lot of parents reduce hours or change jobs to suit their children.

I think that's quite normal.

FFS - he is not a child!!!

I don?t dislike him in the slightest ? he doesn?t have a bad bone in his body. He's never been in trouble either.

My 19 year old is still my child - it's a relationship that doesn't dramatically change just because someone turns 18.

Don't dislike isn't the same as like, IMO.

Noone is saying you should totally indulge him.
If DH is happy to collect DSS from college - fair enough.If he isn't then DSS can wait in town - learning valuable survival skills.And if he isn't learning to cope in that sort of environment because you and DH don't want him to be there,that is your decision surely??

While he might not be very motivated he doesn't sound incredibly lazy either -he is at college and he has a job (I'm assuming he is doing his college work) What should he be doing that he isn't,other than not wanting to spend so much time at his Dad's?

So he has never been in trouble,he doesn't have a bad bone in his body,he wants to spend time with his Dad,he is at college ,has a job,and has plans for his future - did you say Maths/Economics or did I imagine that?
Sounds not too bad to me.

If you don't like "parents reduce hours or change jobs to suit their children" how about "in families people adjust their behaviour to suit others in the family"?

SDT, my parents most likely still consider me to be their child, but from the age of approx 14, they encouraged me to take steps towards independence.

I have a 30 year old daughter - she is my child but she is not a child.

How many of you would get your husband to change jobs, just because an 18 yr old had taken a weekend job, and wished to change to a visiting arrangment that didn't fit with your husband's present job?

No-one in their right mind would do that Petal.

The thing is that until DSS mum and dad stop bending over to do what he wants he is NEVER going to grow up and be adult.

Unless something changes he will still be acting like this when he 40. A normal 18 would not want to spend days with their parents but doing things with their friends.

You do sound incredibly cold OP :( maybe that's just how it's coming across on the screen

I for one hope that my DC still want to spend time with me when they're 18

Pig, I don't want DSS to stop seeing his Dad, but the visits have to accommodate DH earning a living.

I still spend a lot of time with my mum even though I'm 20. I'm normal.

I don't think he'll mature until his insecurities are eased. Nothing seems to be being done about that.

Petal, how does your DH feel about your feelings to his son?

Christfenton, is it too early for a large gin????

OhChrist I know you were being sarcastic but IMO you're actually dead on.