How would you have handled this?

[ohnonotyouagain]

Quick history...have been with DP for almost three years and his DD (who is 12) stays with us every weekend. Have had past issues with this due to space but have been much happier since we moved into a place with a nice second bedroom.

Have really chilled out a lot which DP has noticed. Get on really well with DSD as well and always have, we like the same TV programmes and laugh at the same sort of stuff which is good.

However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day. This is because I usually go and stay with them for christmas but wanted to spend the actual day with DP this year.

DSD got annoyed at the thought of anyone staying in "her" bedroom. Now at the risk of sounding horrible, it isn't her room. She stays in it when she is here and leaves her stuff in there. It'll always be hers when she needs it of course and she knows that; but when she isn't here it's anyone's who requires the use of it.

She's not scheduled to be here on boxing day so I don't see the problem. I feel (not sure if this is rational but hear me out) that my family - and by default me - have been disrespected. After all, my family are just as important as DP and DSD and I pay half of all rent, bills etc.

Who is being unreasonable? More than happy to accept it's me if I am.

OK the older 3 don't leave much in the front room, just their phones on silent after bedtime, so they aren't messing with their phones all night, but apart from that, it's just the toddler's stuff. But his room is about the size of a postage stamp. He fits his bed in there. That's it. Hence the toys down here.

Only read OP (foolish I know but haven't got on MN for ages and don't have much time)
When we were kids we were always booted out of our rooms if granny/aunt/mums friend was coming to stay. A little more sensitivity needs to be applied in the case of a step child who may feel like they don't 100% belong to the house but I see nothing wrong in giving a child time to put their special things somewhere safe and told to give the space to an elder. T'is simple respectfulness and how families work IMO.
I think you should see it as "her room" though. Teenagers have very little in the way of territory, it wouldn't hurt to let her have this space.

I don't see Lala's wish to "pack all the mess in the kids cupboard, shut the bedroom doors, and get my "adult" house back for a few days" as in any way showing that her DSC's don't belong or see that house as their home.

All she's saying is that when they aren't there, she shuts their bedroom doors, and their toys etc. have a home in a cupboard. She isn't saying she packs their rooms away - just that their things get put away in their room. At least, I think that's what she's saying.

We have a mixture of DSs and DSSs at our house (youngest is 6), all here for differing times. We have a totally toy free lounge once the kids are in bed. My house was the same when I lived with just my DSs and ex DH. Kids have stuff out in the day, they pack away at the end. Their bedrooms are a tip much of the time but we have toy free space in the lounge. Nothing wrong with that. All the kids have a bedroom with storage, and we are lucky enough to have another communal room with shelving for toy boxes etc. You wouldn't necessarily see it on coming to my house though, as it's upstairs - which is where the kids tend to play, whether there are friends over or not. So in fact, my lounge is pretty much child free all the time. I sit in it with my friends, and kids charge about upstairs.

I wouldn't expect to get out my hobby on the kitchen table for example and then everyone else to walk around it all the time. Nor would DP. We use it, then pack away until next time. Same with kids' toys.

Each to their own, but Lala's wish not to be surrounded by toys doesn't mean she's a wicked SM.

Anyway, bit of a digression.

Back to the OP - I agree with all the others who are saying that children should sometimes have to give up their space for guests - but the way it was approached probably didn't help you.

I've read this read avidly and agree with most of the advice given to the OP along the lines of notsonamby Family is all about making guests feel at home, and sleeping on floors so elderly relatives get a comfy bed (and quite fun!)

What worries me in my situation is that DP and I are beginning to think about sharing a home, and we have SIX DC between us. No way will they all get their "own room"!!

Now they are older, late teens and twenties, and mainly live away in term time. Mine have "own rooms" in their DFs house as he kept our family home. All the DSC have their "own rooms" in DPs house. I aim to ask my DC for their views. Would they be happy with a "spare room" for weekend visits and holidays used by all? I really hope so or we will have to run a B and B...

Hi OhNo

YANBU, you feel what you feel and I felt that my (then 10YO) DSD was disrespecting my family/me when the same happened.

If it makes you feel any better I made the same mistake as you with my DSD (now 14). My parents are in their 70's, they can't sleep on the sofa! I just clumsily assumed it would be ok, given that she wasn't even there at the time.

I was indignant about her reaction too, "how dare she dictate to me ect ect." Also considering the sacrifices/effort/housework/money spent/holidays planned I have made/done for her and her siblings she couldnt even grant me one little thing without complaining about my parents (who send them xmas/birthday/holiday money and have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her/them).

I am afraid I also am guilty of the concept of "it's not "her" room". To me, her room is at her mum's.

I can't offer much advice except what has been given, best to couch it in different terms, it is fine now for us 4 years down the road.

My situation is different in that I live in the exMH with my DH, so I am the outsider in my own home. . Talk about eggshells. Like you Ohno I dont have any DCs. I just wonder what would have happened if I had arrived with three DCs to my DH's three and my kids moved into "their" rooms .

Think it's just a 12 yr old reaction tbh. My 12 yr old reacts the same way to her room being used too. Sometimes when we have folks to stay the kids have to bunk in together and she moans like hell about it but ends up having a nice tie in with her siblings/friends (but will never admit it).

I don't pussy foot around and say to all my kids step and bio that while I pay the bills I make the rules and if I say someone else is staying in this or that room then they are and that's it. Of course they can move some of their special/private things but imo kids need to understand that it's the way it is sometimes.

Honey, stop beating yourself up. Till she pays something towards the mortgage it's your call. She knows you love her and her room is always there. Ignore it. Typical kid strop but sweetly reassuring that she views your house as her home. Ignore without making it an issue. Just refuse non confrontationally to let it be a topic for discussion but perhaps ask if there are any personal things in there she would like you to remove until your guests have gone. You can't engage in these battles. Indulging in a juvenille knee jerk reaction (albeit understandable) gives it credence and will leech into other areas of your lives which is the long and slippery slope to tiranical teen nightmares.

I don't think you are unreasonable. I do have a child and if his room was needed for guests I wouldn't be asking if he wants to "lend" it to us if elderly relatives were coming to visit. The room was free and that would be it.

Sometimes I think that a lot of step children are allowed to get away with more than children who are not in the same position.