How would you have handled this?

[ohnonotyouagain]

Quick history...have been with DP for almost three years and his DD (who is 12) stays with us every weekend. Have had past issues with this due to space but have been much happier since we moved into a place with a nice second bedroom.

Have really chilled out a lot which DP has noticed. Get on really well with DSD as well and always have, we like the same TV programmes and laugh at the same sort of stuff which is good.

However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day. This is because I usually go and stay with them for christmas but wanted to spend the actual day with DP this year.

DSD got annoyed at the thought of anyone staying in "her" bedroom. Now at the risk of sounding horrible, it isn't her room. She stays in it when she is here and leaves her stuff in there. It'll always be hers when she needs it of course and she knows that; but when she isn't here it's anyone's who requires the use of it.

She's not scheduled to be here on boxing day so I don't see the problem. I feel (not sure if this is rational but hear me out) that my family - and by default me - have been disrespected. After all, my family are just as important as DP and DSD and I pay half of all rent, bills etc.

Who is being unreasonable? More than happy to accept it's me if I am.

Are people really suggesting that the OP's parents should not sleep in the empty bedroom when they come to stay? What a bizarre way to treat guests.

My kids are regularly booted out of their rooms to sleep on the floor or in with me if we have an overflow, and in fact I have slept in the spare room if it made sense for my bed to be used by guests for whatever reason.

It's about looking after guests and good for the children to learn how to be hospitable. Not as if the OP is regularly holding open house by the sound of things- perhaps treat the subject gently, but in my house it's non - negotiable.

But yes agree that the room should be sd's room and not treated/referred to as a spare room ( not suggesting that it is being referred to in this way)

No DC is entitled to a room of their own; it is a luxury that most of the families I know cannot provide.

Not only does DSD not have a room here as she no longer sees us - she shares her room at her mums with her grandma - and she has to give up her room several nights a week and sleeps in either her mums or brothers room while they are not there.

It is important that a DC has a space or area of a house to call their own - but to worry about whether or not to dedicate a room to a DSC is a problem not faced by many families.

Totally agree with crumpet. Can't comment on the step child dynamic but as a child I had the bigger room (compared to dsis) and i had a double bed. Every time we had a visitor overnight, I slept on a camp bed in dsis's room, and visitors had my room. It was understood that that was the 'price' of having the bigger room.

We now do exactly the same with Dd and ds, which is the reason Dd has a double bed and ds has a bunk bed. If they weren't happy with it, it would be tough luck tbh. They've both got lovely rooms, plenty of nice things, and I think they should be able to deal with the trauma of lending it to someone else for the night.

However, op I do think you need to accept its not a SPARE room, it IS your dsds room.

A number of my friends have produced 3 children so putting up families of 5 is always a juggle!

Allnew, I realise that. And obviously I cannot speak for every single situation in the world. But in mine, my ex is able to work flexible hours, take on any job etc.

I cannot. My choices wrt jobs are limited due to the fact that any job I get has to fall into childcare hours (ie no night shifts) and if I did work I would have to pay for that childcare.

Also the maintenance my ex pays takes into account the two nights he has her.

FWIW my ex works like a madman to afford a house with a room for his daughter. Because to him that is important.

I do think guests should use an empty room . In fact if we have guests when the teens are here , they get turfed out to sleep else where in the house . We let them know the plans , then make them clean their rooms .

I'm torn about SC having a costant room in a NRP house .

My SC have their own rooms, decorated how they want in our house, but it is 50/50 with us often doing extra . If SC decided to live with their mum, giving that they are older teens and her house is often empty , then we would redecorate their rooms . They would always be welcome . If they decided to live with us , that's fine too .

My father only had a two bed flat for the first 5 years after the divorce, and 3 children . This was because divorce favoured the mother . There was nothing he could do about it . Well I guess he could have taken the family home , sold it, gave my mother half and told her to get on with it, or paid less maintenance so he could afford extra rooms for us. Really, sometimes NRP can't win.

We all grew up into well adjusted adults .

Offer her a tenner and say you appreciate its her room but you'd rather she had the money you'd have spent on a hotel ! That way you get what you want and there's no more complicated stand off of emotions. Its a childish power trip from a child who wants to feel secure. Let her win this time and next time she may well not make it an issue . Kids are very in the moment and changeable.

It is her room.

You need to have a bit more respect for that.

However of course the room should be used by guests when she's not there, as should any other room in the house if its occupants are away.

When we have guests they have DS's room, he comes in with us.

It what families do when we don't have enough money to have a permanent spare room just in case of guests! (I wish!)

In her shoes she could feel pushed out if it's not considered her room. I would explain it to her in terms of it's her room, but you can't afford to have a bigger house with a spare room, so it may need to be used from time to time as would any other room if free, it's the way it works.

And reiterate, to her, of course it's her room!

I'd reinforce that it's her room, but occasionally it will need to be borrowed by visitors as long as she's not there.

Maybe you could choose - with her - something like a lockable cabinet or trunk that she can keep her private things in ?

I think it is normal for bedrooms to be juggled around when guests visit in any household.

"Also the maintenance my ex pays takes into account the two nights he has her"

So by saying the nrp only incurs costs for 2 nights a week implies that nrp incurs no costs for the remaining 5 nights

But a room dedicated to a child costs the same whether the child uses it for 2 nights a week or 7.

wannabe not all NRP are as blasé about the time they have with their DCs as your ex though - NRP often limit their career in order to ensure that their DCs can continue to have a meaningful relationship and regular contact with them.

My DP was faced with the stark choice of redundancy or job relocation that would make weekly contact impractical.

My ex isnt blase at all about the time. He takes DD two nights every week and if he has a spare few hours he takes her aswell.

Ofcourse he incurs costs every nihht he doesnt have her. But he is her dad 24/7. You cannot be a part time parent. Even if you are the NRP.

All I am saying is that it is important for children to feel secure in both their homes. It is the parents job to ensure that happens, whether they have access 2 nights or all 7.

"You cannot be a part time parent. Even if you are the NRP" - agreed. And back to the point I made earlier. Government policies with respect to benefits and maintenance do not acknowledge this.

Wannabe, what happens if the NRP can not afford a room for one or more children ? You do understand that does happen don't you ? My brother slept on the sofa . My sister and I cramped into a box room along with a fridge etc . Was my father less than a parent ? No.

But all new- the situation is the same in reverse - the reduction for two nights not spent in the RP's house doesn't mean that the extra room doesn't need to be paid for on those two nights.

Maintenance for one child is a maximum of 15% of the NRP's income (less if there are other children living in the NRP's household, even of they are not biologically his, or his financial responsibility). This leaves 85% of their income to cover the costs of having a room for their DC.

Plus whatever income the NRP's partner (the SM/SD) brings in!

That is just not a valid argument IMO.

And as for the council housing - I HAVE been campaigning for the fact that in any case where care is shared on a ratio over 35/65 for the council to include the child on both applications for housing.

I have also been campaigning for the child to be included in both Housing Benefit applications.

And I fully believe that if care is shared 50-50, AND SO ARE ALL COSTS TO DO WITH THE CHILD, INCLUDING CHILDCARE COSTS, CLOTHING, SHOES, SCHOOL TRIPS AND ACTIVITIES, then Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits should be split 50-50 too.

However, even in my case, when I WAS personally splitting the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits myself with my Ex, he didn't pay for ANYTHING other than food while my DS1 was with him. I still had to buy all his clothes, shoes, uniform, school trips, activity costs AND Childcare costs.

The childcare costs bugged me - he said he would have DS1 permanently rather than pay childcare costs. Yet that would mean my access would have been less than a reasonable split.

So, I stopped splitting it. Until he agrees that to have half of DS1's CTC and Child Benefit, childcare costs also have to be halved, I just will not do it.

And THIS is why the Government refuse to split them - because very few NRP's will be OK about paying an equal proportion of ALL costs involved with that child if they have a SAHP who they say could look after the child when the mother and father are both at work. And to protect RP's when their ex would have half the money, but not pay half of ALL costs involved.

Having been on all 4 sides of the situation, as a child and as an adult, I can see the difficulties involved.

It is changing, though.

The principle of shared/joint care is one that all governments depts are integrating into their services - it will no longer be possible for a NRP to be less eligible, or penalised.
This is already happening with the CSA - both parents are being charged for using the service - a few years ago the expectation would have been that the NRP incurred the full cost.
Other services will follow suit - benefits, tax credits etc will no longer be solely the RP right.

I'm a SM and all the stepchildren have their own rooms in our house. SD has the biggest room with a double bed and when we have family or friends staying we usually ask her if they can stay in her room and she has never had a problem with this. Surely part of feeling at home/being part of the family is also sharing in the give and take of family life.

I will quantify the childcare costs being halved with : if he is prepared to PERSONALLY pick up DS1 from school and be with him until I finish work, NOT his SM but his FATHER, and I can pick him up from his dad on my way home from work, then I can cancel childcare for those nights each week, and will not expect the childcare costs to be halved.

However, if he wants anyone ELSE to do that, or to keep DS1 for the whole night, then childcare it is, and if he wants the CTC and Child Benefit split, he has to take on an equal percentage of the childcare costs to the split of benefits.

"This leaves 85% of their income to cover the costs of having a room for their DC"

Yet a PWC has child benefit, housing benefit (if applicable), tax credits, maintenance, on top of their salary.

On a personal level, I don't believe child maintenance should be to cover housing costs, as both parents incur those costs full time. But if that's the case then I think the %'s for child maintenance are too high.

OhNo - I think you should have handled it differently, but not done anything different :)

Of course your parents should have her room when she's not there, and even if she was tbh. There's no reason she can't do what thousands of other children do when relatives stay - sleep on a blow up in another room. It is part of being a family. It is not because she's a step-child, it's because she's a child in a family.

What I feel you should have done differently was to make a point of telling her that when she isn't staying, the room will be used for guests, so she should put anything 'private' into 'this nice box' :) End of.

There should't be anything stopping your parents staying when she's there either.

You need to have words with your DP. Suggesting your parents stay in a hotel indeed! Cheeky fucker. Does he act as though your whole life should stop when DD stays?

I think its wrong to say very few NRP would be Ok to split the costs in half . I get fed up of all this NRP bashing .

Arctic - I apologise, I should have quantified that with IME. I know a lit of people separated from their DC's other parent, and only two out of over 50 will go anywhere NEAR splitting the costs equally.

This is just another case of step-children being treated as though they are more precious than children in together families.

I had 4 dc's in a 3 bed house and when we had visitors the kids just slept where they were told. You don't ask a child if you can use their room when they are not there. You tell them it is going to happen and give them the opportunity to put stuff away.

I was brought up to treat guests well and make sure they had a lovely comfortable stay. It's not doing these kids any good growing up feeling like they are more important then anyone else.

I am guessing if you took her to stay with friends and she was told she had to sleep on the floor when there was a perfectly good bedroom sitting empty she would be unimpressed.

It is still her bedroom but she needs to learn to think of others.

And I'm saying that housing costs SHOULD be considered in both the child's homes, as long as contact is a reasonable amount (reasonable IMO being a min 35/65 split, or anything more equal than that.)

I actually went to the council with my DS1's father to try to plead the case for my DS1 being included on BOTH housing applications (we WERE successful btw!)