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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How would you have handled this?

133 replies

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 19:27

Quick history...have been with DP for almost three years and his DD (who is 12) stays with us every weekend. Have had past issues with this due to space but have been much happier since we moved into a place with a nice second bedroom.

Have really chilled out a lot which DP has noticed. Get on really well with DSD as well and always have, we like the same TV programmes and laugh at the same sort of stuff which is good.

However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day. This is because I usually go and stay with them for christmas but wanted to spend the actual day with DP this year.

DSD got annoyed at the thought of anyone staying in "her" bedroom. Now at the risk of sounding horrible, it isn't her room. She stays in it when she is here and leaves her stuff in there. It'll always be hers when she needs it of course and she knows that; but when she isn't here it's anyone's who requires the use of it.

She's not scheduled to be here on boxing day so I don't see the problem. I feel (not sure if this is rational but hear me out) that my family - and by default me - have been disrespected. After all, my family are just as important as DP and DSD and I pay half of all rent, bills etc.

Who is being unreasonable? More than happy to accept it's me if I am.

OP posts:

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CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:38

Apparently we were only successful because of the 49/51 split for shared care.

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:39

Oh - and no maintenance paid, either, due to shared care reductions.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 20/08/2012 10:40

ArticRain- ofcourse I know that happens.

I know I wont be popular with this next statement, but the answer is, if you cannot afford kuds dont have them.

I had DD and I did have to claim benefits. That was a situation which I did not expect to find myself in. I wouldnt have dreamt of having another child unless I could afford it. I understand that people lose their job etc, dont expect to split up. But if you have kids, even as the NRP, not affording them is no excuse.

allnewtaketwo · 20/08/2012 10:40

"And I'm saying that housing costs SHOULD be considered in both the child's homes, as long as contact is a reasonable amount (reasonable IMO being a min 35/65 split, or anything more equal than that.)"

So if a court, or a PWC, restricts access to 1 or 2 nights in 7, you think the NRP shouldn't be expected to have a room for the child?

ArcticRain · 20/08/2012 10:42

Wannabe, you say don't have kids if you can't afford them , then you say you claimed benefits . Not sure I understand your point here .

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:43

An NRP-bashing bitch ex I am not. IMO, the only way to improve the situation FOR MY DS1 was to do that, so I did. He was sharing a box room with a SBro with Autism and a toddler. And having to share a BED with the toddler.

They are now waiting for a house with an extra bedroom.

ArcticRain · 20/08/2012 10:44

So I shouldn't have been born, because 10 years down the line my parents divorced and my fathers couldn't afford a bedroom for each of his kids ?

JustSpiro · 20/08/2012 10:44

I think it's probably a case of 'lost in translation'.

At 12 she is bound to be concerned for her privacy and having strangers staying in her room is bound to make her feel uncomfortable.

I think you need to have a chat about how/where you can store any personal stuff while your parents are staying, or perhaps she would feel more comfortable if you and your DP slept in her room instead?

FWIW we have just moved our DD into the big bedroom. She is only 8 but we have already agreed that if anyone needs to stay over we will sleep in her room and they will have ours. I wouldn't feel comfortable about letting other people sleep in her room/bed myself tbh.

ArcticRain · 20/08/2012 10:45

Think the thread has been turned around and hijacked . Sorry OP.

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:49

Court not going to do that, and if the RP does, then she should be hauled up in front of the court.

However - if access is being 'restricted' because the NRP ISN'T THERE, then that is different. I don't see that as 'restricted', but the DC should be there to see its other PARENT. That's what access IS. It's not to see its SP.

I don't class that as 'restricting access', I see that as the NRP having as much access as his job allows. If he picks them up from childcare HE has paid for, on his way home from work, and HE has the DC for the night, then that is different. I'd even happily pay half a reasonable amount for the childcare (bearing in mind I would get 70% paid for by CTC due to low earnings, I would happily pay 15% of the childcare costs)

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:52

Arctic - that's a bit different, your dad was obviously doing his best, and DIDN'T have a 'spare room'. Just like my DS2 & 3's dad doesn't, in fact he lives in a room in a shared house, and obviously doesn't have a room for them. He does his best, giving up his bed when he has them both (only has them both together 6 times a year, by choice, I offered much more, he has DS2 every other weekend though)

ArcticRain · 20/08/2012 10:54

Couthy, sorry that was to Wannabe.

For this thread , I believe the room should be seen as the child's but used when there are guests .

allnewtaketwo · 20/08/2012 10:55

My DH is restricted access to his DCs. First by the court and now by the PWC. The court allowed 2 nights per fortnight (so not within you definition of satisfactory). Now that the children are older and should IN THEORY be able to make their own choices, she restricts access through emotional bullying and abuse of her own children. And one of of them is 16. He isn't ALLOWED to see dad more than 2 nights per fortnight, end of.

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 10:57

He CHOOSES to have DS2 for 52 nights a year, and both together for just 6 of those nights.

I offered every other weekend, Friday through to Monday, a midweek overnight every week, and an extra midweek overnight once a fortnight, and half of all school holidays.

Not much I can do about his job stopping that, though, can I? If he wants the access I am offering, he will have to change jobs, and he's not willing to do so.

Don't care if I have to get less maintenance if he's paid less, would rather he spent more time with them tbh. And I wouldn't need as much maintenance if they were being fed there and he was buying them clothes etc, and paying half of the childcare costs on days we both have to work. Not much to ask, really, is it?

Kaluki · 20/08/2012 10:59

OP - I think YANBU.
In your situation I wouldn't have even told DSD until nearer the time, if at all. It is her room when she stays but it is YOUR house and you are the adult and she is the child - a fact which seems to get forgotten in step families!
Before I get jumped on I will say that my dc have their own rooms but when DSC come every other weekend DS1 moves into DS2s room and the DSC sleep in DS1s room. Nobody has been 'asked', and nobody is offered money to give up their beds (WTF - I'd be broke!!!). They are kids, we as their parents provide a roof over their heads but none of them are 'entitled' to their own rooms.
When my dc are at their dads and DSC arent around I often have people staying in their beds. I don't feel the need to ask their permission because I pay the rent and the bills and that gives me the entitlement to say who sleeps where in my house.

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 11:02

But is your partner working on the other nights? I can see the courts doing that if he was working but unwilling to pay for childcare until he was able to pick the DC's up, as it is not meant to be access with YOU but with their father.

The ONLY reason I can see for a court only giving him 2 nights a fortnight is if he has refused to arrange childcare until he finishes work, or change his working hours so that HE can be there with his DC's.

In which case, he DOESN'T want access to actually SEE his DC's, but to reduce his maintenance payments.

Access is to see their other parent, not anyone else. If the other parent is not going to BE THERE to actually SEE his DC's, then how can it be access?!

allnewtaketwo · 20/08/2012 11:10

"The ONLY reason I can see for a court only giving him 2 nights a fortnight is if he has refused to arrange childcare until he finishes work, or change his working hours so that HE can be there with his DC's"

Wtf You aren't half making assumptions on something you know nothing about. DH actually wanted 50:50 and tried his best to get it. He does NOT work nights and was prepared to be flexible with his hours to see them more. However regardless of this, he got the standard every other weekend

MrsTomHardy · 20/08/2012 11:14

Threads like this just don't sit well with me.

My son (10) only has 4 nights a month with his dad. Do i think he has 2 homes, no he has 1 home, here with me and his brothers...

He is definately not some kind of entitled stepchild.....he goes to his dads, he has never had his own bed let alone a bedroom, there are 7 other kids there and he is well aware he is the lowest in the pecking order

We do not parent equally, how can we when he only see's our son 4 nights a month (EOW), and he only lives 2 minute drive away by the way so distance isn't an issue!!

allnewtaketwo · 20/08/2012 11:59

"Access is to see their other parent, not anyone else. If the other parent is not going to BE THERE to actually SEE his DC's, then how can it be access?!"

Couthymow who are you talking to? Are you getting confused with another thread? I can't see any posts on here about an NRP leaving his or her child in the care of anyone else. Or are you just hypothesising? You are making no sense here whatsoever.

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 12:03

Courts must be different in your area then, assumed standard in my town is EOW, friday to Monday, midweek overnight and half of all school holidays?!

And that's the minimum assumed standard here?! It's only less in cases where the father can't/won't rearrange his work hours/pay for childcare?

I'll shut up then, didn't realise that wasn't the assumed standard all over the country!

CouthyMow · 20/08/2012 12:05

Sorry for hijack. Will bugger off now. Obviously the views of someone who has seen most sides of the RP/NRP/SDC issues aren't wanted.

allnewtaketwo · 20/08/2012 12:15

I don't see why you're playing the martyr now about your views not being welcome.

You accused my husband of:

not wanting to facilitate seeing his own children by being flexible
avoiding maintenance
palming the children off on me when he's doing something else

Yet you know nothing about me or my situation. Its specifically these sorts of mis-informed offensive views that aren't wanted.

iknowwho · 20/08/2012 12:19

You asked how I would have handled it and say that if feels false asking as it is already a fact that your parents are stopping over.

You have the benefit of being an adult and have adult thinking.
What you have done has been incredibly naive to think a 12 year old girl wouldn't have an issue in what she considers to be her space especially as you have made it welcoming for her. It is, I imagine, as if you have moved the goal posts and only want her to be welcome when it suits YOU. ( i know that may or not be true but that is how it looks)

What would happen and there is a crisis and DSD HAS to be with you over Christmas and Boxing day and it clashes with your parents stay. ( Maybe her mum is ill or they fall out and she decided in November she wants to live with her dad for example)

A lot of things we do are 'false' but go through them as a sort of protocol to keep life sweet.

Is there any chance she could meet your parents before the visit - I know it may not be possible.
TBH I would keep chatting about it and be a bit less bombastic about things

Just want the give and take to go both ways Again this is adult thinking. It will come eventually but preteens and teens are often (NOT ALWAYS) self centred and you have clearly hit a nerve with her.

BabbleBitch · 20/08/2012 12:21

YANBU. When I have family staying over my teen DDs have to clean and give up their bedrooms and sleep in 3yo DS's room with him.

Do the DDs like it? No. (DS does like the company though!) But they love when we have visitors and it is only for a few nights every year. They know (because I remind them) that they are very very lucky to have their own bedrooms anyhow. Many children never have that luxury.

It is your house too. Your family are just as important as your DP's. Your DP and DSD are just being utterly ridiculous and disrespectful.

coppertop · 20/08/2012 12:36

"However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day."

Going back to the OP, why did you not discuss the issue with your dp before presenting it to him and his dd as a done deal?

Saying the equivalent of "This is my plan for this boxing day and I expect you both to be happy about it" is surely not treating them with the same respect that you feel they both owe you?

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