How would you have handled this?

[ohnonotyouagain]

Quick history...have been with DP for almost three years and his DD (who is 12) stays with us every weekend. Have had past issues with this due to space but have been much happier since we moved into a place with a nice second bedroom.

Have really chilled out a lot which DP has noticed. Get on really well with DSD as well and always have, we like the same TV programmes and laugh at the same sort of stuff which is good.

However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day. This is because I usually go and stay with them for christmas but wanted to spend the actual day with DP this year.

DSD got annoyed at the thought of anyone staying in "her" bedroom. Now at the risk of sounding horrible, it isn't her room. She stays in it when she is here and leaves her stuff in there. It'll always be hers when she needs it of course and she knows that; but when she isn't here it's anyone's who requires the use of it.

She's not scheduled to be here on boxing day so I don't see the problem. I feel (not sure if this is rational but hear me out) that my family - and by default me - have been disrespected. After all, my family are just as important as DP and DSD and I pay half of all rent, bills etc.

Who is being unreasonable? More than happy to accept it's me if I am.

iknowwho - the OP has not said that her dsd would not be welcome on Boxing day - in an emergency or otherwise. The OP sounds lovely and I imagine that if her dsd now wanted to come on boxing day she would be welcome but would have to sleep on the sofa - as many other kids have to over holiday periods when relatives come to stay.

The OP has not been naive and has not said that dsd is not welcome. She is just treating her dsd like anyone else would treat their own children - how can that be wrong?

couthy I think your familiar enough with the wide range of CO arrangements discussed on MN to know that there's not a national standard when it comes to court ordered contact orders
It's true that some family courts have a reputation for being more mother (or father) focused than others - but I think the posts on MN are clear evidence that most courts judge based on individual circumstances now-a-days.
How long ago was your last family court case?

Less than 6 months ago.

Hey all, thanks again for all of your replies. Sorry I've been away from the thread...have been busy. Just to clarify, I had already spoken to DP about my parents staying over before mentioning it in the general conversation. I thought he had already mentioned to to DSD which is why I was blindsided by her response.

Ignore that extra "to" haha.

No wonder she reacted the way she did with that hitting her out of the blue!

I know, I thought it had already been mentioned and was just bringing it up in general conversation. The way I see it is...yes I probably expected too much by thinking of her as having the same thought processes as an adult.

I'm not a parent, I'm barely even a stepparent, more like mad aunt haha. Still think she was rude though. She's AS important as my family, not more or less, always feels welcome. I'm terrible at explaining things but if you could see how chilled out our set up is, you'd understand why I was so shocked.

OP Even our own most charming DC's come out with stuff from time to time that just dumbfound you!! Things that you think 'Where the fuck did that come from!!'

Just part of kids being kids.

I think between 12 and 15 is paticularly hard for children as there sense of identity is evolving and changing and sometimes they are still being treated like little kids and other times they are expected to be 'grown up'!!
It's confusing times and whether your a parent or step parent you just keep plodding along and sometimes you make mistakes and occasionly you get it right!!

Normally on here step parents get a "dashing" for daring to mention that your home is not the childs home if they dont live with you but only stay with you once a week etc...

So i asked DH this question (who has two children aged 10 and 8 from a previous relationship) on whether he classes our home as the childrens home too as they do sometimes stay over (but visit every sat). And this is what he said....

"No this is not their home, yes they have a room here with their toys in, but its not "their room", its a spare room. There is no need for children to feel like they should have two homes, their home is with the parent who cares for them and who has them full time. Just because children visit over stay over once a week or whichever, that doesnt make it their home. Children only have two homes were 50/50 care is in place".

I agree with him. So its not only SOME step parents that feel like this, but this is a post from the biogical parent too!

One thing we did both say was that if for instance the children were staying over and we had relatives staying too then the children would get priority over the room automatically.

But if the children werent here, they certainatly wouldnt get a say or even be consulted about if anyone could stay in that room when they werent here.

About 6 months ago my mother stayed for 3 nights during the week once and i didnt even mention it to the kids that my mum was staying, she even stayed on their camp beds, i just washed the bedding before and after my mum had stayed.

I guess it comes down to how much weight you place on professional advice.

I've never seen any advice that says you should treat a non-resident DC as a guest because that is what is best for them, but I've received lots of advice that encourages NRP to offer their DCs a second home where they are equally welcome

Hello! Just read through this thread. Probably going to get bashed for daring to have an opinion when I do not have biological children of my own...!
In my opinion, this is not a "step" issue - I think the situation and handling of it shouldn't be any different in a "together" family or in a "blended/step" family, apart from the slight ease in the situation that your DSD isn't actually staying with you on the date in question, and being forcibly kicked out...
I agree with Glass - when I was a child, I was brought up to welcome and be hospitable to guests. I would be expected to give my room up for guests, whoever they were... it is a good life lesson for a child to learn to be kind and flexible and generous.
Frankly, whether step-family or not, the child does not rule the roost or call the shots. There are too many people who seem to think that children should get a medal or cotton wool treatment just because their parents don't live together... I know plenty of children from broken homes or even where a parent has passed away and they are not spoiled or entitled in the least. I think that is as a result of sensible parenting, not parents who encourage the children to think the world owes them a favour...
I appreciate making the children feel welcome and that they have their own space in our house, but utlimately, the adults make the decisions.
I really hope this works out for you OP.
Don't shoot me down - it's just my opinion...

Lala - well said indeed!
The voice of common sense!!!!

Tiny aside - I don't think there's anything wrong with "packing up" the DSC's stuff when they're not here - I welcome and embrace the noise and the mess when they're with us, but one of my personal coping mechanisms (as a non parent myself) is being able to pack all the mess in the kids cupboard, shut the bedroom doors, and get my "adult" house back for a few days... It may seem alien if you have full time kids or step kids, but we don't, and it keeps me sane in between times...

Will you do the same thing when you go have your own DC's though? Or would you leave their stuff out in their room and still pack up your SDC's stuff? IMO, if you get into a relationship with someone who has DC's from a previous relationship, you have to understand that you no longer get a house free of children's stuff, as, well, you are living in a family home. And if you wouldn't do that to your own DC's, then why do it to your SDC's? Ok if at the end of every day you would put all of your OWN DC's stuff hidden away if they stayed at their gran's for the night, EVERYTHING, but if not, then why would you want to hide the evidence of your SDC's?

Why is it different? It wasn't for me when I had my SDD's to stay. Their posters were still on the walls when they weren't here, their toys were still in THEIR toy boxes in the room when they weren't here, I just REALLY don't get it.

You can't erase your SDC's from your life the minute they go back to their RP's, surely? So why hide their stuff away? I split up with my SDD's father over 4 years ago, and I am still in touch with them.

They didn't get erased from my life or my thoughts just because I'm not with their dad any more. They will always be a part of my life, no matter what. Unconditional, just like with my own DC's. I can't understand how anyone can be so cold as to want to hide the evidence of their SDC's when their SDC's aren't there. Makes no sense to me, makes me go .

I have to say, I'm glad that my DS1's dad sees it the same as me, that our DS1 has TWO homes, and TWO bedrooms, albeit both shared with siblings, but still, he is able to call BOTH of them 'his' and xxx's room. His dad doesn't see it as any less DS1's room when he isn't there, and not do I.

I am not saying I try and pretend they are not there.
Why the obsession with whether or not I have my own DCs? I don't and we're not planning to - 4 DSCs is plenty thank you!
If they lived with us full time of course their stuff wouldn't get shut away, but in the interests of having a clean and tidy house, why leave it in a state when I don't have to? There are 12 days out of 14 when they are not with us, so I like to keep the house nice during that time. Is something wrong with that?
Just because I tidy up when they're not with us doesn't mean I care for them any less, I am simply houseproud and don't see the point of a messy house unnecessarily...

Let's not digress from the OP.
Let me just say us childless stepmothers are not all bad, even if you have had a bad experience of one in the past.
We are simply inexperienced, and muddling through - please don't punish and judge us just because we happened to fall in love with a man that had children... we are doing our best (and sometimes failing) to do something that isn't necessarily natural to us!

I have to admit that I do expect DDs things to be tidied when she's not here (DSS is very tidy and doesn't leave anything out anyway) - and have done all her life, before i separated from her Dad, even when she was a toddler and many of her toys were in the living areas, they would be tidied away out of sight after she'd gone to bed.

We bought some chests of big wicker draws for the living room to make it possible

That's very different, IMO, from considering this to be less of a home - they are just the rules in our house, applied equally to all DCs.

Given how I felt about it when DD was born, I don't think it makes any difference if you have your own DCs or not - once a neat freak, always a neat freak!

*drawers, even!!

Agreed - tidying up after the kids so you can get a small amount of adult R&R when they're in bed does not make it any less of a home for the children...
When I was a child, my parents were together - we still had to tidy up after ourselves.
Again simply a standards thing not a step thing...

Stepchild or my own child - I would expect them to give up their room when adult company comes to stay. Not a doubt about it. Children come after guests, and especially older adults (who very well may need a proper bed and physical comfort more than a teenager).

OP, I suspect maybe there was a better way of presenting the information, and I suspect you will be more prepared next time, but you haven't really done anything wrong.

Ah, now THAT makes more sense to me! Though it doesn't bother me to have 4 bright orange and green open toy boxes in my living room to put the toys away in - it may not look like a show home, but it's not messy, and it LOOKS like a family home. Just how I like it. IMO I have plenty of time for a show home look once all the DC's have grown up. I don't mean messy, but it LOOKS like a toddler lives here, because one does.

I can still chuck the toys in boxes at night, but they aren't 'out of sight' IYSWIM.

Maybe it was the way it was explained?

I only know one friend's house where there aren't toy boxes in the front room, despite there being a toddler in the house, and I feel uncomfortable taking my toddler there, because it doesn't feel child-friendly when you hide all evidence of having children to me. Maybe that's just me, that sort of house is what I will have when the DC's leave home!

I have a two year-old, and during the day, there'd be no mistaking that fact! But come DD's bedtime, all the toys are picked up and put away - she has one of those plastic toy kitchen units, and that stays up in the front room because there is literally nowhere else to put it and it is played with every day - but even that is tidied up. By 8 PM, the front room looks like an 'adult place' and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Likewise, the two teenage DSCs are expected and we are pretty zero-tolerance about it - to pick up all their things from the common areas of the house at bedtime. Their own rooms are another story - totally messy - and so is my own little office - but the common areas maybe don't look like we have three kids in the house. I'm completely OK with that. :) To each his own...

All teen stuff is taken upstairs and cleared out of sight when not with us . All my DD stuff is placed in chest in lounge . As soon as the conservatory is finished this will be where the toys are to be used . The lounge will hopefully be mess free until we relax in the evenings .