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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How would you have handled this?

133 replies

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 19:27

Quick history...have been with DP for almost three years and his DD (who is 12) stays with us every weekend. Have had past issues with this due to space but have been much happier since we moved into a place with a nice second bedroom.

Have really chilled out a lot which DP has noticed. Get on really well with DSD as well and always have, we like the same TV programmes and laugh at the same sort of stuff which is good.

However, when having a chat with DP and DSD today, I mentioned that I had invited my parents to stay over on boxing day. This is because I usually go and stay with them for christmas but wanted to spend the actual day with DP this year.

DSD got annoyed at the thought of anyone staying in "her" bedroom. Now at the risk of sounding horrible, it isn't her room. She stays in it when she is here and leaves her stuff in there. It'll always be hers when she needs it of course and she knows that; but when she isn't here it's anyone's who requires the use of it.

She's not scheduled to be here on boxing day so I don't see the problem. I feel (not sure if this is rational but hear me out) that my family - and by default me - have been disrespected. After all, my family are just as important as DP and DSD and I pay half of all rent, bills etc.

Who is being unreasonable? More than happy to accept it's me if I am.

OP posts:

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NatashaBee · 19/08/2012 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisad123 · 19/08/2012 19:40

It is her room!! It's her home too!
You need to talk to her and tell her this is happening but talk about putting her special stuff out of way.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 19/08/2012 19:42

YABU. Sorry. I can see your point and I think your parents should come to stay.

But it is her room. Yes you pay half the bills but you got with her dad knowing he had her. Im not saying you should pay for her because of that but is she not entitled to a room of her own at her dads house?

That said, your parents should be able to stay there.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 19:43

I know it's her home too, she's always felt really at home when she comes and that's brilliant. I just felt disrespected. My view is that she has a home and a bedroom already and probably shouldn't be calling the shots in my home. I live there too. Oh it's hard. I'm 27 but still feel 15 sometimes.

OP posts:

Beamur · 19/08/2012 19:48

It's a perfectly natural response from a 12 yr old - and would probably be the same if it were not a step-situation and you said someone else was going to use the room.
Don't be miffed, just explain it nicely and smile - there's no need to fall out. My DC's grumble a little when I use their room for something else, but it's what families do sometimes.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 19:51

I know it probably is a natural response. I'm not sure why it made me so angry (not on the outside). It just really annoyed me. She is more than entitled to a room of her own when she stays here and I would never ever dream of inviting someone to stay when she is here because she will always have first dibs on the room. It's what I signed up for and I accept that. What I can't accept is the sense of entitlement that came across in the conversation.

OP posts:

flixy102 · 19/08/2012 19:57

I wouldn't take it personally OP, I defo think it's more of a 12 yr old (and therefore nearly teen) response than a step child vrs step mother response.

If I was in that situation, I'd definitely expect my DP to back me up and reiterate that, yes it is her room but that sometimes rooms/possessions etc need shared and that would happen in a 'together' home as well.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 19/08/2012 20:12

But she is entitled to a room at her dads.

She is not entitled to call the shots though so on that point yanbu.

I cant help but wonder how the conversation went from your side though. I can see how she could have become quite defensive if the opinion you have came through.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:19

Totally understand what you're saying Wanna. No I didn't say anything after she spoke. Her dad carried on talking to her as we were walking and it was forgotten in less than a minute. Yes she is entitled to a room when she is here and she will ALWAYS be. I'm not disputing that at all and wouldn't ever do that. What I'm saying is that she doesn't have the right to dictate how the space is used when she is not here. I've got over the fact that my weekends for the next few years are going to revolve around her and that I can't invite people to stay at the weekend (my family can rarely come as a result as my brother is still at school). She has to play ball and get over the fact that I'll use the room as I see fit when she is not here. I've done a lot of give and take and I shouldn't be the only one.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:20

Must stress, happy with the give and take and we all get on really well. I genuinely like her. Just want the give and take to go both ways. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

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rainbowinthesky · 19/08/2012 20:21

You asked how we would have handled this. I would have asked her if it's okay to use her room as after all it is her room.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:26

Thanks Rainbow. Maybe that would have been a better way to approach it.

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rainbowinthesky · 19/08/2012 20:28

Just to add though if she'd have said no after being asked then I would have insisted anyway just as I would if she lived at home all the day and she could have slept on the sofa.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:31

That's why I didn't ask. I brought it up casually in conversation rather than make a big deal out of asking. I'm sorry but asking her if we could use the room for my family would have been false considering it's happening whether she likes it or not. Just to stress that she won't actually be here when they come and stay. DP actually suggested they go and stay in a hotel. Not going to happen. Yes, I'm probably marking my territory.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:32

Although I do wish I had asked as the stuff probably wouldn't have been said. I'm not as assertive as I would like to be however and am not sure how I would have handled a "no".

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rainbowinthesky · 19/08/2012 20:35

It would be ridiculous to send your family elsewhere when you have a room in your house but the mistake you made, as you know, was making it about marking your territory against a 12 year old. I would say to her sorry that you hadnt asked and you should have but you will need to use it.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:37

I know. I'm not thinking rationally about this at all. I don't even know why. I don't harbour any resentment about the situation in general and we really do get on really well. She feels really comfortable with me and we've got on great from day dot. What is wrong with me?!

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WaitingForMe · 19/08/2012 20:43

I think you need to apologise to her. Of course it is her room and to think otherwise is frankly awful of you. The poor kid

It's not unreasonable to insist that visitors be able to use it but you still ask! I ask my 4yr old stepson if it's ok my mum uses his room when she stays. It's his space to feel at home here in one of his two homes. Everyone needs their own space but most so as you begin your teenage years.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 20:46

If this was my own DD (14 ), I would not have TOLD her, I would ASK her. And if she said no, I would respect that and sort out a bed in the front room for my family.

How can she feel 'at home' at her dad's house if she doesn't have a room to call her own? And it isn't her room if she is only 'getting the use of it when she is there'. It's no way to make a child/teen feel at home somewhere.

I wouldn't have family round, sleeping in my DS1's bed when he stays with his father either, without asking him if it was OK first. (He was spending nearly half the week at his dad's until v recently).

Just because he isn't sleeping in the bed 3 days a week, it doesn't make it a 'free' bed, it's still HIS bed. Would you be happy with your DP letting anyone else sleep in YOUR bed when you were out for the night? Especially if you were TOLD that it was going to happen, whether you liked it or not?

Say he had a couple over for the night while you were away with work, and he slept on the sofa and gave them your bed. Without giving you ANY say in that. How would you feel? Ignored? Like you didn't count? Like your opinions and thoughts didn't matter?

So why is it any different with your DSD's room and bed?

AgentProvocateur · 19/08/2012 20:47

You sound like a lovely SM, but in this case I think you are wrong - it is her room.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 20:48

I was the same with my DSD's beds when they weren't here, too. I would never use them without asking them first.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 20:52

I think your DSD probably feels disrespected by this too, OP. who wouldn't feel disrespected by being told their views don't matter and this will be happening, no matter what, and they don't REALLY have a room of their own at their own Father's house, they just have the use of the spare room. Like any relative, rather than FAMILY.

Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:53

OK, really appreciate your feedback, actually thought I would get more of a pasting than I have...IABU. Wish I could control my feelings about this though, going to the gym for a half hour session and am going to take it out on the treadmill. She knows nothing of how the conversation made me feel and I'll be my usual chilled out self when she comes next weekend. Thanks for setting me straight ladies xx

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Original poster

ohnonotyouagain · 19/08/2012 20:56

Couthy, my family matter as much as she does. Not MORE, not less. You're right in that I totally approached it wrong as I'm inexperienced in these things having no DCs of my own, but she knows the room is always hers when she's here. We're all really chilled out in our household. I wish I could explain properly how the dynamic is...she knows she's part of the household.

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catsmother · 19/08/2012 20:59

For the record my sister and I were always put on blow up lilos on the floor of my parents' room at Xmas if they had family to stay.

We were "asked" ..... but had we said "no" I don't doubt our refusals would have carried any weight at all. As in ... adults taking precedence over kids .... not as if my grandmother could sleep on the floor of my parents' room after all. Can't ever remember feeling put out or that our privacy was being compromised ....... no, wait a moment, I did feel a bit put out but mainly because as a stroppy pre-teen/teen I thought it was "unfair" that I had to tidy the room to within an inch of its life. My thoughts were that if my parents wanted to use my room they should tidy!

It's all very well asking from courtesy but would most parents really send their adult guests elsewhere if a child said no ??

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