Quick question on baths/showers

[Lilypad34]

We will be having dsd (8) for a full 2 weeks (I will be doing most of the care as dp will be working) starting next week.

I am very hot on hygiene, I have seen dsd arrive at ours unbathed for 3 days. I give her a choice bath or shower, whining will normally follow! Question is, how do I get her to wash daily without all the drama?

Thank you

I'd hate to think that dd's new stepmum was making her bath every day when she doesn't have to here. Just as I don't share her opinion about asking before you eat anything from the cupboards. My girls are perplexed by that one too as they've never had to do that. If I've learnt anything in 12 years of being a step-mum it's choose your battles.

I don't think anyone should help themselves to food from cupboards and it's a simple one to manage: there is no snack food at all in our kitchen!

"With respect seeker being a step aunt isn't the same as being a step parent!
Viewing a situation from the outside hardly qualifies you to judge others.
If the op wants her DSS to bath every day it is not up to us to question why. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask of her really!"

Expressing an opinion is not judging. And, actually, I do think that 32 years of close family involvement with blended- and not so blended- families may just have given me a little insight!

And it may not be unreasonable to want a dss to bathe every day, but it is, in my opinion, unreasonable to insist on it- as I have said many times, in all parenting, but particularly in step parenting, it's important to pick your battles.

seeker I'm grateful that you have clarified the extent of your experience of DSC.

I will consider your advice - to believe you when you state which battles are worth having and which aren't - in the context of your experience of the unsuccessful blending of your siblings families

If you told me to have a shower NotaDisneyMum I would not.

Unless you are a child who had been placed in my care - I wouldn't ask you to!

If you were my DPs child, then I would expect he and I to agree boundaries between us and for him to enforce them. If he didn't, it becomes a relationship issue, not a DSC issue.

If you were my child however, then you could expect consequences from me if you chose to ignore the boundaries I had set.

"seeker I'm grateful that you have clarified the extent of your experience of DSC.

I will consider your advice - to believe you when you state which battles are worth having and which aren't - in the context of your experience of the unsuccessful blending of your siblings families"

Well, you might also want to consider it in the context of the successful blending of my siblings' families over 32 years as well- but that would mean entertaining the possibility that I might have a point. Which would, in turn, mean entertaining the possibility that you might not be absolutely right in all you do and think!

seeker I'm more than happy to learn from your positive experiences if you are prepared to share them.

Your post focused on the 'royal fuck ups' involving your ten step nieces and nephews - no mention of the successes you had witnessed - do you think it's unreasonable for me to assume that there weren't any?

As for being right - the only thing I've expressed an opinion on is that being SM is hard work and difficult! Do you think that I'm wrong?

Feel free to point score.

As I said before, people aren't going to post on here if things are going well. My post was expounding on what,in my opinion, (and yes, I am entitled to one, eveh though I am not q step mother) is one of the key areas where things go wrong. Because that is what this thread is about.

seeker - it is interesting that you believe that things go wrong in blended families when SMs have different expectations of DSCs to those of their mother, and you conclude that SMs should go along with their DSCs' mother's way of doing things in order to keep the peace.

No. I said pick your battles. There are some things that are non negotiable. But there are far fewer of those things than most people think.

There aren't battles. There are different standards and expectations and boundaries, and DSCs are much better off knowing what they are on either side than being given leeway to negotiate on the basis of their preferring what goes on in their other home (whichever way round). It is that leeway given to DSCs that creates the big problems in blended families.

Lilypad,

Hopefully you will come back and be able to take on board some of the great advice given here. There are lots of SMs on MN, with an awful lot of experience between them, of both good and bad relationships. It's good that you are considering problems and how to deal with them before they arise - its much easier to do that rather than be caught on the hop. Many a time I've been a rabbit in the headlights . My relationship with my DSD (who is now almost 17) is very good, and that is despite her mother only actually talking to me twice in over 10 years!

When my DSD went through her 'not washing stage' we dealt with it quite simply. Not at first - DH became shouty at first, but soon realised it was getting him nowhere.

In the end it was all quite subtle.

Without pushing, we allowed her to wash, or not, but made a point that we expected her to do so. When she chose not to I (and her father) would make a point of 'actions have consequences'. When she tried to cuddle up to me on the sofa I would say "Sorry DSD would you move down, I'm afraid you smell" (she did). When she asked if she could sleep in with us / her dad he would say "only if you are clean". When she wanted her hair done/complained about me hurting her when brushing I'd point out that if her hair was clean it wouldn't hurt. All very simple.

None of it was nasty, none of it was shouty. We were just matter of fact about it. If she said "Mum doesn't make me wash" or similar DH would just say "Her house her rules, my house my rules" - and in actual fact we knew the same battle was being waged at home. There was no critisism of her mother, implied or otherwise (and really, do 7 year olds think like that?)

It took a couple of months, but in those months she wasn't happy with they way things were going. She didn't like not being able to cuddle up to me watching TV. She didn't like not being able to cuddle dad in bed. She didn't like me not doing her hair. She knew that all she had to do was wash - and she worked it out for herself. I think giving her the option was what worked best for us.

You may need to play the long game, and it may not go as you would want next week, but if the option is there, if the bathroom is stocked and the only reason she can give is because she "Doesn't want to" she may surprise you.

Bonsoir your dscs are so lucky to wake up and have a croissant with you, shower in their ensuite bathroom etc ... a totally superior life style.

Vraiment de la chance!

Well, I take my hat off to anyone who can convey to an 8 year old that there are "different standards" in one house without giving the slightest indication that those different standards are perceived as "higher standards"! Particularly when it comes to something like bathing. But maybe it can be done......

If I was the child I think that I would prefer simply to be told to have a bath or shower than to be told I couldn't have a cuddle because I smell!!!

Oh come on seeker, all children have to deal with different standards of behaviour etc at school, at extra-curricular activities, in friends' homes, at their maternal GPs and their paternal GPs. Unless your child is entirely closeted from the world at large it is just normal life to deal with different standards - unless their mother is so dysfunctionally controlling that she has brainwashed her DCs into believing that her standards and hers alone are absolute. In which case it'll be a very good thing indeed that they are released from her iron grip.

"I'd hate to think that dd's new stepmum was making her bath every day when she doesn't have to here"
And I would hate to think that my dc are refusing to do as they are told at their Dad's house. He is a lot stricter than I am and they get away with more at mine than at his, but they cope. They adapt. Children do that well.
If the adults behave like adults and set rules and boundaries for the children it works. If the children dictate to the adults what they will and won't do - it is chaos!!!

Thats why it worked Exotic. DSD and I have always been cuddly, even now we sit curled up together quite often (although now have to put up with DD sitting on top of us!).

She wanted that to carry on - so she had to wash. When DH was still in shouty mode we'd have the screaming abdabs for ages rather than her jump in the shower.

When DH decided to stop shouting, when we decided to become a team, we changed tack. In the morning I'd say "Shall I leave the shower on for you DSD?". If she said no (and she did quite often) I'd say "Well remember that tonight my love, it's your choice".

If she didn't shower, and she smelled (she didn't always) then I wouldn't cuddle. If she didn't smell, we would.

I think that children are very adaptable and can cope with different standards. If I have children to stay they have to fit in with us-I am not going to alter our behaviour to fit in with what they are used to. It is perfectly possible to do it without it seeming to be judgemental.

I agree, exoticfruits - DCs are adaptable. I have been having conversations with DSS2 this morning and getting him to do stuff that needs doing for/by him for his forthcoming summer camp and some extra-curricular activities. I am much more directive than his mother or DP - no fuss, just instructions - and, tbh, I get much better results than his parents do! Which drives DP slightly crazy...

There are always consequences in life, and that is what we should try and teach children. We can impose consequences, but natural ones are always the best ones to learn by.

By refusing a cuddle based on the fact that a child won't be clean, you will get better results than by shouting. Nobody likes feeling rejected, that's why the naughty step is such a well used consequence.

Well, one of my children would have to be pretty bloody dirty before I'd refuse a cuddle!

One of YOUR children Seeker! Its different when its your own child.
What about if someone elses child came up for a cuddle and was a bit whiffy?
I wouldn't cuddle anyone who smells!

So let me get this straight. If a step child wants a cuddle before they've had a shower you say no, but if your biological child does you say yes? But you say that children all have to adhere to the same "standards" in your house? I'm deeply puzzled.

Oh, and if a child- any child needed a cuddle, I don't think them "being a bit whiffy"would make me say no. I find the thought that people might say no really sad. I hug my ds when he comes off the football pitch when he is covered in mud and sweat- he doesn't get really smelly yet apart from round the feet, but I can't imagine rejecting him because he's dirty!