Quick question on baths/showers

[Lilypad34]

We will be having dsd (8) for a full 2 weeks (I will be doing most of the care as dp will be working) starting next week.

I am very hot on hygiene, I have seen dsd arrive at ours unbathed for 3 days. I give her a choice bath or shower, whining will normally follow! Question is, how do I get her to wash daily without all the drama?

Thank you

And op don't worry about the whining, just ignore it and carry on getting the shower/ bath ready.

I really want an LED Shower Head now AMAZON

I reckon that would get the most stanch washing refusnik into the shower!!

A bath is so simple-run it and all they have to do is get in! Don't enter discussion-if they argue just smile and say 'we all have our funny little ways and this is mine!'-repeat if necessary and don't get drawn into argument.

exotic if only!

I still have memories of then 12 year old DSD refusing to bath or shower after a day at a riding stables - swearing, throwing things, calls to her mother and deliberate graffiti on household furniture culminated in her storming out, unbathed, after an hour and a half.
All because DP had the audacity to say that until she cleaned up, she wasn't going to sit at the table for dinner with us

Hopefully OP doesn't have that scenario! If she did it needs her DH to lay down the law and I would suggest she left it to him!

exotic it often comes back to that, doesn't it? SM's who are left in sole charge to deal with recalcitrant DSC who take the opportunity to exert a little control over their lives by resisting perfectly reasonable boundaries laid down by their step-parent

I'm sure that if both parents emphasised their own respect for the SM, a lot of 'our' problems would disappear, but when that authority is actively undermined by one or both parents, we really don't have much chance at all!

Based on your OP I'd say every other day is fine and the issue here is your 'hotness' for hygiene, not her cleanliness.

Bit of a drip feed about thrush and not changing her knickers. Someone else talking about a more problematic child has upped the 'hotness' generally.

So, I think you need to work with her about the thrush and emphasise the need to change underwater daily as a way of feeling more comfortable. That could be undermined if she feels you are a hygiene freak indulging your own obsession, so doesn't take you seriously.

Having been an 8yo SD once, I'd say you have to be very careful about the tacit criticism of her mother's lifestyle and parenting. Also about alienating her rather than helping her feel at home in your house. Yes, your rules, you don't have to do everything as at home and just the experience of staying somewhere where people do things differently is a valuable bit of horizon-broadening but don't stream-roller her.

I'd add hat at around 8 I had something of a cleanliness rebellion, I knew what to do, it was part of a tomboy thing and about deliberately subverting the rules, exploring independence. Also, not every girl is concerned about being pretty and playing with dolls and bubbles. Some of us dreampt of being a wildlife camera-person, camping in the arctic for months on end. Not so many showers or spare clothes there - but, a fun emphasis on 'survival skills' and the disease-preventing value of a quick, effective wash would have been engaging. (I would have fallen for some really good bubbles too!).

Hi

Sorry, I didnt mean to hijack the OP's point with my DSD tale of woe (got up this morning to find loo not flushed again) but I think that the point I made at the end is one that is at the root of the problem.

Whether it's food, discipline or clean hands we are always going to be in a bit of a no man's land. As has been pointed out by disney things can go spectacularly wrong if we "get involved" and it's treading a fine line. Many say to me "detatch, she is not your kid.." I also agree that there is often the unintentional tacit and subtle criticism of life with mum and the point made by many that clean freak standards differ throughout society with no substantial effect in isolation (unlike withdrawing food or comfort or love from a child).

I found that over four years I have tried all the remedies - nice bathroom, private time, goodies for her but the behaviour is entrenched now and is part of a wider problem.

So, lily if it is the only issue you have with her, I would relax and try all the things which have been sensibly suggested, beauty parlour nights, lead by example and not make a an issue of it - ask her to "try out" some new products for you or comment and engage her on some (many) beauty/shampoo adverts.."oh that looks nice" or "cos I'm worth it"..lol. I know she is only 8 but she will likely enjoy the "grown up" chat.

I really hope you truly like your DSD and enjoy the 'Two full weeks' you have with her while her father is not really there. I also hope you and her can come to a lovely compromise on your 'hotness' for the need to shower and her 8 year old indifference.

She sounds like she has a caring SM in you and is one lucky girl - have a great summer holiday!

I will have a similar problem with my dsc in the summer.
When they come for a weekend they refuse to bath or shower and cleaning their teeth is a battle. DSS at 10 still can't be bothered to wipe his bum properly. I refuse to wash his pants - that is DPs job!
When we have them for Longer periods of time I insist on daily bath or showers. Teeth cleaned twice daily and clean clothes every day. They fight against it for a few days but soon buckle down to it.
My dc follow these rules and they have to as well - its non negotiable.
If that makes me evil or wicked or a hygiene freak then tough!!!

I do think it's incredibly important not to give a step child the slightest impression that you are criticising their mother. And saying that only having a bath every couple of days is unhygienic, spreads germs and makes you smelly is most definitely tacitly criticising their mother. And, actually, isn't true!

Hmm did I read that she's nearly 9? My DD is nearly 9 and has to wear deodorant otherwise at the end of a normal schoolday she really pongs, a full on adult sweaty niff. So with deodorant, obviously (well, hopefully) she doesn't pong but she does need to wash the stuff off! Of DD's group of 6 friends there is only 1 now who doesn't have to wear deodorant for the same reason, puberty seems to be really kicking in, so all this talk of OP's DSD being a little girl of 8 might not be accurate in some ways.

Seeker - it's absolutely fine to expect SDCs to respect different standards of family behaviour in the home that is not their mother's home. That is not criticism of their mother - it is merely the right to expect people to live according to the culture of the house, which is set by the adults within it.

I have had DCs come for sleepovers and the whole apartment (which is spacious and well-aired) has stunk of BO by the following morning, so filthy were the DCs. I could not live like that permanently and I have no problem asking my DSSs to wash if they are dirty. In fact, I quite frequently inform DSS2 that DD and I are going to wash his hair .

As I said, if a child actually smells, then of course they need a bath. If they don't then it's not a battle worth fighting.

seeker I'm beginning to envy you your DSC, they sound so well balanced and reasonable!

My DSC, like many, are on the lookout for any possible indication that I might, in some way, possibly, be even considering being critical of their mothers choices. It's quite understandable - they don't want SM to measure up to, or worse, be more favourable in any way to their Mum, so believing that SM is criticising their mum is a good way of justifying their own defensiveness. Some DCs are primed to expect negative remarks from SM about their mum - and in these cases, a SM really cannot win.

If SM works full time and mum doesn't - any conversation about SM job is interpreted as criticism.

If SM stays at home and mum works - any plans SM makes during the working day is critical.

If SM cooks, cleans, sews - but mum doesn't - SM is in the wrong if she does those things for the benefit of DSC

The mere fact that a SM asks a DSC to do something that they are not expected to do by their mum is often enough to imply criticism of their Mum.

OP - it sounds like you've got bigger problems than a grubby child if your DP is a DisneyDad and you are being expected to fulfil a parenting role

All the more reason not to make a fuss about stuff that doesn't actually matter, ffs, like how often people have showers. It's a fraught, difficult relationship- going on about "compromising your values" by allowing a child to go a couple of days unbathed isn't going to make it any better. And no, I don't have step children. I do, however have 32 years experience of being a very involved step aunt. To a total of 10 children. I have watched the relationship being royally fucked up. And frequently the reason for the fuck up is a refusal to move on a "point of principle" that didn't actually matter, and an insistence ony way or the highway" by one party or another. Oh, and a refusal to let someone else win. If you have never watched an adult man in a two hour stand off with a 5 year old over the shape the toast was cut into, you have never seen pointlessness. Nobody wins- time and emotional energy is wasted- and for what? Sod all. Cut them some slack. Remember the children are the important ones And frequently the only power they have is being little sods. Not their fault and they are attacking the situation, not you. So be the grown up. Pick your battles. And if the battle isn't important, just let them win it. And believe me, a daily shower is not worth battling over.

I just noticed my autocorrect took a watery theme earlier (appropriate) but no, people shouldn't change underwater or be rolled by streams.

On the point, I do get the 'my house, my rules' approach but that's generally about how WE do things, not about the idea that YOU smell, which is much more personal.

seeker - being a SM is not a "fraught, difficult relationship" where SMs need to tread on eggshells all the time. It is perfectly possible to have different expectations of your DSCs to those their own mother has of them and for that to be a happy situation for all.

I still think it is simpler to just run a bath and tell them it is ready. They don't have to make any effort to get in it. It becomes part of the routine.

Our DCs have shower rooms, not bathrooms, and they are en suite, so that's not an option!

"seeker - being a SM is not a "fraught, difficult relationship" where SMs need to tread on eggshells all the time. It is perfectly possible to have different expectations of your DSCs to those their own mother has of them and for that to be a happy situation for all."

Of course it is. But people in that happy state are unlikely to be posting on here asking for advice, are they?

I agree with eveything Seeker has put.

It was an issue with my dsd for a while. I gently encouraged her to have showers but didn't make it an issue, and left it to her Dad to deal with. He didn't deal with it that well other than a lot of shouting. It got us nowhere. I just figured that for the couple of days she was with us it wasn't worth battling over. And if she was with us for longer, as with everything, the less I tried to "control" what she did and insist on things, the more she just naturally fell into how we did things as a family. I think for her it was about having control, and at that stage in her life it was control she needed to feel as she had very little of that elsewhere. I just concentrated on making it a loving and welcoming environment for her.

It was a phase that passed and before we knew it she had become interested in her appearance and we couldn't get her out of the shower.

I think the more laid back you can be with a step-child the better. It must be really difficult for them going between houses and getting used to different sets of rules and different ways of living. IMO it should be less about house rules and more about making the child feel part of the family, wanted, valued and listened to. That's not to say there shouldn't be some basic rules and boundaries of course.

I think that people who post on here during the settling period of their new blended family need to hear that being a SP is not fraught and difficult per se and that the teething problems they are having are normal and that someone else has had exactly the same issue, has dealt with it and is happily out the other side!

With respect seeker being a step aunt isn't the same as being a step parent!
Viewing a situation from the outside hardly qualifies you to judge others.
If the op wants her DSS to bath every day it is not up to us to question why. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask of her really!

Good point Bonsoir. I have a brilliant relationship with dsd now - she lives with dd and I, and I'm not with her Dad any more. And it's only now that I look back at some of the issues and arguments we had and have real clarity about what was actually going on and what, at the end of the day, mattered.