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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Quick question on baths/showers

147 replies

Lilypad34 · 17/07/2012 03:21

We will be having dsd (8) for a full 2 weeks (I will be doing most of the care as dp will be working) starting next week.

I am very hot on hygiene, I have seen dsd arrive at ours unbathed for 3 days. I give her a choice bath or shower, whining will normally follow! Question is, how do I get her to wash daily without all the drama?

Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

seeker · 17/07/2012 11:15

This has gone from the child hasn't had a bath for 3 days to the child smelling so much that it makes and adult's stomach churn.

NoComet · 17/07/2012 11:21

You don't, my DDs would think you were totally mad if you asked them to shower everyday not when they are dirty.

They are 11 and 14and climbing the shower ever 3 days or so without being told. I guess they were about 8 when I stopped sending them.

Seriously let your DSS do things that really don't matter the way he does them at home. You'll have a way happier time,

seeker · 17/07/2012 11:27

Ah- well, I would expect a 14 year old to want to shower practically every day. And my 11 year old showers at least every other day. But I'm still confused about the issue here. Is it that the child is really neglected and dirty and smelly and the Op feels, rightly, that she should do something about it?or is it that she is very "hot on hygiene" and expects the child to be the same.

NotaDisneyMum · 17/07/2012 11:30

If I was temporarily responsible for someone elses child (a friend, or neice, for instance) I would automatically teach them my own washing/bedtime routine and expect them to comply.

What a difference when it is a stepchild!

I have no responsibility for them, so am expected to accept someone elses standards of hygiene and cleanliness in my own home - and as no-one has asked or expects me to do their laundry or air their room (i choose to do that) I can't object on those grounds either

seeker · 17/07/2012 11:34

So any child staying in our house would have to comply with your bathing habits? Really?

NotaDisneyMum · 17/07/2012 12:00

Well, yes!

If its bath time at the end of the day, or my own DD goes through the shower after a day on the beach, I would treat all DCs the same - not accept that 'their mum says they don't have to'

If they have been placed in my care, I will care for them to the best of my ability.

And therein lies the problem. We share our homes with DSC, but they are not in our care, even when we are in sole charge

theredhen · 17/07/2012 12:12

So I make my own child shower everyday, step child doesn't have to because mum says so. When the child attends school after being in my care and gets bullied in school for "being smelly", guess which adult would be accused of neglect? Guess which adult would be accused of not treating all the children the same and favouring one child over the other for making sure their hygiene was up to scratch.

Just another example of damned if you do, damned if you don't!

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 17/07/2012 16:21

I would too seeker. Mine and DH's house, so our rules apply, and which either of us can enforce.

DSD's mum doesnt always like it, for example we've been told that our bedtime routine isnt fair to DSD and that DSD doesnt like to be told off by me. Difficult, but we adapted the bedtime routine because we thought DSD's mum had a point, and ignored the telling off issue. I'm not trying to be DSD's parent because that isnt my job, but if a child is in our house as more than a guest, which DSD is, then she abides by house rules, and any adult can enforce those rules.

seeker · 17/07/2012 16:30

So at what age are you allowed to decide whether you have a bath//shower every day or not?

seeker · 17/07/2012 16:31

And it would take more than only having a shower every couple of days to be the "smelly one" who gets bullied!

NotaDisneyMum · 17/07/2012 17:16

seeker so are you saying I should implement different rules for different children - or change my 'house rules' to match the DSC mums rules - even if that compromises my own values?

Oh, and 8 years old is not old enough to choose for themselves the level of hygiene a DC is happy with - there are plenty of child protection cases that place the responsibility for cleanliness of children that age firmly with their parents !

seeker · 17/07/2012 17:23

I'm saying that not having a shower every day is not a child protection issue! Unless the child really is smelly and obviously dirty, then I wouldn't waste energy battling over it.

And in your circumstances, I would probably say to your children something along the lines of "well, if Maisie is silly enough to not want a lovely warm shower with this delicious smelling soap before she puts her clean pyjamas on, then that's her look out. She's the one that will feel sticky and uncomfortable. Come on, let's get you into yours then we can all have a story."

seeker · 17/07/2012 17:26

And I do think "compromising your values" is a rather extreme way of putting it! We're talking about a shower, not a religious ritual!

allnewtaketwo · 17/07/2012 17:46

Im with notadisneymum. As an adult in my house I get to decide how often a child in my house needs to shower. No way would I want a sweaty or 'sticky' person living with me.

seeker · 17/07/2012 18:23

Up until what age?

ginmakesitallok · 17/07/2012 18:30

I'm with seeker on this - a child not having a bath for 3 days is not a child protection issue. DD1 (8) sometimes goes 4 days without a bath She doesn't smell, doesn't have any health issues and isn't bullied. And since when did wearing knickers to bed cause "itchiness down there"? I always wear knickers to bed and have never had any problems??

purpleroses · 17/07/2012 20:52

I think children vary - my DD is 8 and would easily go days at a time without a bath and doesn't smell at all. DS on the other hand was definitely pongy by that age, and I actually bought him a deodrant when he was 8 as he needed it. I went on forcing him to have a shower at least every other day until he around a year ago when, at the age of 11 he suddenly discovered cleanliness and now showers every day without being asked :)

It is more difficult with DSC though - I tend to suggest a shower or bath to my younger two DSC (9 and 12) rather than tell them they must (though DP could, and sometimes does).

I also think there is an issue where you don't really notice the smell of your own DC, or don't mind it, but unrelated children/people smell different and you do more often mind. So it's possible your DSD's mum (and your DP) doesn't really notice - though of course her friends at school will, and you've a right to ask people you live with to do something to avoid being smelly.

I think I'd just make it into part of the evening routine - eg - "DSD, it's bedtime now, come and do your teeth, I'm running you your bath...." make sure she's got everything she needs and leave her to get on with it.

NotaDisneyMum · 17/07/2012 21:13

I never said it was a child protection issue - but it is a parents responsibility to ensure that their child of this age is clean - not allow them to choose for themselves which is the question that was asked.

Cleanliness and hygiene is an important value to me. The presence (or absence) of germs in areas my home is open to regular inspection and could lead me to lose the bulk of the household income if it was found lacking.

Frankly, an eight year old boy who lies about whether he has bathed or wiped his bum properly is a liability I don't have the patience for.

NoLongerMyLife · 17/07/2012 21:20

I purchased a shower head with LEDs in it which change colour as the water runs. I get both of my step kids to shower as they think it's magic.

msrantsalot · 17/07/2012 21:30

My DD2 (8) is not a friend of the bath. However I got her to comply by saying she could stay up half an hour later to have bath. And I agree with others, if you take them shopping to get their own special bath stuff they think its great. She bathes every night, runs it herself. If you give them bubble bath and stuff even if they don't wash Wash hair, will still be reasonably clean by just getting it wet if there is soapy stuff in there. However I do make sure I nit comb regularly but have to do it

allnewtaketwo · 17/07/2012 21:54

Seeker you asked "until what age"

Actually there isn't an age limit as far as I'm concerned. A sweaty and sticky person in my house, whether 8/12/16/18 will be asked to shower. Most children would of course recognise the need themselves at the latter ages, but the lack of such recognition would not go unchallenged.

purpleroses · 17/07/2012 22:01

NolongerMyLife - that sounds great! Where did you get it from?

Re what age you let them decide for themselves - I'm not sure there is an age - I've been known to refuse to let DP into bed until he goes and washes his smelly armpits first , and he's 46! (Maybe he would go for the LED lights..... )

calypso2008 · 17/07/2012 22:08

Good grief, why should she have a bath every day?

Leave her be... I cannot believe she can possibly smell. Ridiculous.

purpleroses · 17/07/2012 22:14

calypso - my DS definitely smelt of BO when he was 8. No other signs of puberty for several years, but I think some kids do start getting smelly quite young.

WinterLover · 17/07/2012 22:15

DSD (6) has a bath every night at her mums, same here, a bath a day!

If she doesn't she's sticky and sweaty from running around playing outside or playing round the house. She has thick long hair, it can manage 2 days before it looks dirty and tbh 'disgusting'. I'm lucky that she enjoys bathtime, ducks, straws and bath pens all help

Finally bath time is a nice relaxing wind down part of the day! Oh and it's me who usually baths her too

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