This weekend was the worst yet - I feel defeated.

[Kaluki]

I'm finished. I feel completely and utterly beaten down by my SC.
I have had a huge showdown with DP last night and ended up with us both in tears because I can't see how we can carry on like this any more.
DSS has been horrendous this weekend. He has lied about both my DC, had huge tantrums, about going to bed, doing his teeth, his homework, in fact every thing we asked him to do he went into one. I know why he is doing it, DSD won't let him near DP. She is so so clingy and has been literally wrapped around him like a little koala bear all weekend. Everytime DSS has any attention she diverts it back to her. In fact the only time DP has interacted with him all weekend is to tell him off, then he feels bad and buys him stuff to compensate, so he is spoilt. His Mum has just moved house for the 5th time in a year and they are both unsettled. DSS has always been the quiet one, and DSD was the one with the problems, so we have probably concentrated on her too much and now she is much better and he is now acting up.
Its affecting me and my DC to the point where I can't go on. I told DP this last night. He says he doesn't like upsetting them, doesn't want to reject DSD, can't relate to DSS (he is very much a mummys boy), but I said he will lose me if he can't sort it out.
Just ranting - need to get it off my chest.

You have my sympathies but sadly I don't have a magic wand and there isn't an easy solution. I think it's so stressful as you know the impact on you, your dc's and your relationship but YOU can't do anything to fix it. The responsibility rests with your dp.

I'm in a similar situation with dss. If any of my dc's were acting up (like dss does) I would be all over his behaviour until it was resolved. However I can only support my dh to deal with it. I can't actually do it for him. My dh is however rubbish at this stuff, it doesn't come naturally at all.
He does try but bless he has other skills however dealing with poor behaviour isn't his forte.

I'm will however join you on the stepmums "get me out of here" rant. I'm done, defeated and dismayed!!

My way of coping (not dealing with it) but just coping is to take my self away from them, I focus on MY life and my dc's.

Thanks Smum. It does help to know I'm not the only one.
I love DP so so much but I'm starting to wonder if I can keep this up.
He is scared to discipline DSS in case DSS tells his Mum he doesnt want to come to us any more. He wants me to do it, but he has to. He acts like he is scared of him.
I have said to him that the next contact weekend in 2 weeks either I am going away or he is. I need a weekend with just my boys, but that won't solve the problem long term will it.
I keep getting this panicky feeling that this is the beginning of the end for us because however much I love him, if I can't put up with his dc then it is over!

and it has been YEARS now and we just go from problem to problem never really solving anything.
I keep thinking it will change as they get older/more used to us/etc but it doesn't.
We could potentially have another 10+ years of this until the youngest one is an adult

Having a weekend apart, where you each get time to spend with your own kids is not such a bad idea.
You'd be avoiding some of the potential flash points and both sets of kids would have exclusive time with their parent.
I've had time away from my SC when I didn't want to play families and to be fair, now DP and I have a child of our own, it doesn't mean we spend all weekend in each others pockets either.

Speaking not as a SM, but thinking back to being a SC, is it possible for your DSS and DSD to have time alone with your DH, without the other? My brother and I were very different, and my parents found that having us separately some of the time really helped.

It's more labour intensive, and their mother will have to agree, but then your DH can tailor the activities he does with his son, your DSD will see that her brother is entitled to time with his father as well, and she'll also be pacified as she'll be getting one-on-one time in her turn, and not have to compete for attention.

That's an interesting point, I've often suggested to DP he should do more things with the kids (one boy, one girl) separately so they get to spend time one-on-one with him (their Mum too), which has happened some of the time. I really think the kids should not be treated as a job lot but as different people.
He does more with DSS, as they have some interests in common and a few times now he has taken out DSD and DD together which they all really enjoy.

I did suggest that to him heyMicky. Their Mum would never agree to it. They stick to their contact order like glue!!!
I have offered to take DSD out while he does stuff with DSS which we will do but that involves leaving my own sons out a bit - she needs to learn to play on her own sometimes. She can't have constant one to one attention with me or him. There are 4 dc and with the best will in the world we can't always be focussed on one of them.
My 2 are on the whole good kids but they are suffering because of his screwed up children and that is the deal breaker for me.

Kaluki, not much to add - except to say sometimes it has to go so far for your DP to get the message! I know in my situation I actually said "I just can't do this" - I think he realised then that he had to do something. I'm not suggesting you play games of course - just that maybe you need to get to the point where HE has to do something in order not to lose you

Could your DP try and arrange play dates for either of his DCs? Even if you invite kids over to your house, that ought to distract DSD from clinging to her dad for a bit, and hopefully you'll get a reciprocal invite that will take her out the home for a bit. Or would grandparents or anyone else take one or other of them for a couple of hours once in a while? Agree it's probably that your DSS wants more time with his dad. Would there mum not go for having just one for the weekend either on her weekend or on his? That seems a real shame if she won't - she could give some more quality time to one of them too if she did that.

Fooso- that is where we are now. I told him last night that he HAS to discipline them, HAS to get DSD to be independent or he will lose me and it's no game. I meant every word!
Let's hope he takes me seriously because I told him I would rather stay single forever than spend another weekend like this one!!
Purple - one of our big problems is that they are so naughty that nobody will look after them. Even DPs family can't cope with them. We have arranged a few playdates in the past but again they are so badly behaved that people are put off! A very good friend of mine has dc the same age as them and his contact weekends coincide with ours and after 2 outings where DSD and DSS ruined the day with their demands and sulks he said he was sorry but he didn't want his dc around them as they were picking up on it and acting up too!! The knock on effect of this is that my dc don't see so much of his dc any more because DSC are always around. They all grew up together so once again my dc miss out because of his dc. See why I'm so frustrated?
The change has to come from DP. If it doesn't I will have to break my own heart and walk away

God, I feel sorry for you. Nothing else to say, that hasn't been said above.

Thanks Eliza - I feel sorry for myself too
He has decided that he is going to toughen up on them
He will be implementing a pocket money system whereby they get so much pocket money, then if they are naughty they are fined and have to earn it back again. He is going to stop buying them stuff - they can save up their pocket money for the stuff they want and earn money by being good.
He is going to start spending more time with DSS and we are going to try and get DSD to do more on her own and I will take her out with me sometimes.
And most importantly -I will be spending a lot more time with just my dc, leaving him to put up with spend quality time with his.
Most of this was DPs idea so I am hopeful that things will improve now. If this doesn't work then I think it is the end of us
Wish us luck!!!

Good luck Kaluki - encouraging that he came up with these ideas - he just has to stick with it - even when they complain!

Good luck! Pocket money fining did wonders for my DD's behaviour. Make sure the fines are really small so your DP doesn't hestiate to implement them. Then if the behaviour carries on you can add another small fine, etc.

Enjoy your quality time with your own DC

I was impressed that it was all his idea. He looked so proud of himself too for thinking of something so clever
He is going to buy them money boxes and get change so he can physically take the money off them and put it in a naughty jar and if they are good they can put it back in their piggy banks!!!!!
I will sit back and watch this with interest

Kaluki, my dh had the fear of disciplining as well. He had a very aggressive mum so he was determined to be a supportive parent but due to the separation from the ex he went into overdrive with the positive parenting to the extent that he was unable to voice any displeasure with dss. Watching him try to discipline dss is painful and could almost be a comedy (or tragic) sketch!

This weekend my dh has to resolve dss's bullying tendencies so it is a major test for him.

I think it's slowly sinking in with dh that dss's issues won't go away magically, so he has to deal with it. It will not get better on it's own and more likely to get worse. DH has seen how my olders dc's have turned out and he assumes they just grew out of it however he has not realised the amount of parenting effort that I have put in to make well behaved teens.

How old are they? Pocket money doesn't really work under the age of ten; and your DP sounds so worried about 'losing' their love that he will probably be a bit feeble about the fines; and this looks like it has the potential for another bit of fuzzy chaos and a stick he and you can be beaten with.

Your DP really does have to 'get' what real love is. Real love is honestly orienting your children in the world (disciplining them to be in touch with reality) AND BEARING THEIR DISCOMFORT FOR THEM until they grow to to accept their 'new' reality. THAT is what love is. 'I hate you Daddy and never want to see you again'? (something that sounds as it would tear him apart) to be met with calm, loving 'I see you are feeling angry, but don't worry, I love you enough for both of us, and I will still be here when you feel better [but no still means no, and the rules are still the rules'. THAT is love. His retreating makes them look harder and harder for 'him', ie the boundaries that will make them feel safe.

Is your DP a conflict avoider? If he doesn't 'get' the need to be the strong one and bear his children's discomfort whilst he teaches them the truth, then he really needs to be going to parenting lessons until he does 'get it'.

As you rightly know, this isn't your problem (although he tries to make it so). Good luck, deep breaths, stay calm and stay out of it!

My DP is scared of upsetting them!! He actually said that to me! I was stunned!
The last thing on my mind when I shout at mine is upsetting them DSS scared him this weekend because he was absolutely out of control, he's 10 and a big boy and DP felt physically quite threatened by him when he started kicking the door and walls and throwing stuff
I think he is so out of his depth with them and has never got the hang of saying No. Since his divorce when he got THE CONTRACT he has just been so pleased to 'have' them he hasn't realised he has to actually parent them too.
His nature is very laid back and passive, his ex wife was a controlling bully and his Mum is very domineering so he just can't assert himself with anyone - especially his kids.

Wobbly - they are 8 and 10.
They are both very materialistic and money orientated so the idea is to hit them where it hurts. I'm hoping it will work.
It is sad that the very thing I love most about him, the fact that he is so gentle and kind and non confrontational, could ultimately be the thing that splits us up.

Pocket money doesn't really work under the age of ten - fining my DD pocked money has worked very well from about the age of 6. Just really small fines (1p at first, now 10p) were something she hated having. Today I mostly just have to threaten to fine her and she starts behaving. But agree that your DP needs to not be too afraid of upsetting them. I'm a bit of a cruel mother at times and do actually think "good, I've got through to her" if DD cries after she's been fined, but I'm the RP and don't live in fear of her deciding to go and live elsewhere. The trick is to implement the fine, then move on as quickly as possible to whatever you were doing before and say no more about it. And make it clear to them what they'll be fined for, issuing a warning if possible (DD gets a warning except for dangerous behaviour that she should know full well is not allowed)

Just a thought if mum is moving again, perhaps they feel unsafe. I've had a few rows with my OH regarding his daughters behaviour, she is also 8 and I've learnt that she responds if she feels heard.

Her mum yells at her alot, the pair of them end up in screaming matches because DSD thinks she's an adult not a child. We have her between 3-4 a week she spends 2 nights with her grand parents and the remaining with her mum. It's wearing when she's consistently seeking attention and OH won't man up and address the issues.

I now try (I don't always manage it!!) to spend some time with her talking to her about how she feels about things. Her mums boyfriend recently ended the relationship and mum told DSD it was all her fault. We are still dealing with the aftermath of her words.

Could you maybe take daughter out for a walk, do something girly while he spends some time with his son. Maybe a structured activity afternoon. 'us girls are going to ...whatever you fancy while you boys do...(including your dc)

Kids need boundaries, they like them!

Feel for you and I really hope you get some resolution soon

Lilypad - we have done the girly thing and I am happy to do this but I have 2 sons so I can't devote all my time to her. She also needs to do stuff on her own. She is that bad that she loves jigsaws but won't do them by herself. DP has to sit at the table with her on his lap doing them. She won't have a bath unless DP sits with her and he even carries her about when she is 'tired'!
DSS loves art and crafts but as soon as he Starts doing that she is all over it and ruins it for him.
Because DSS has my kids to play with and he is quiet we tend to leave him to it but this weekend proved he is not happy and needs more positive attention.
Apparently their mum isn't moving again now but she can change her mind on a whim and ships them all off somewhere new at the drop of a hat.
All this focus on them means I can't enjoy the time with my own dc

I agree she needs a sense of independence, my SD needs the same, at bedtime she wants cereal, then she calls downstairs a hundred times...I'm hot, I feel sick, anything to get her dad or I to concentrate solely on her. It's exhausting! She never spends anytime reading or doing anything alone she HAS to be in the centre commanding attention talking non stop.

I love her to bits, though when I feel I'm about to lose my mind I go out! Harder for you as you have 2 of your own also. I really hope things work out for you. :)

If DSD was our only one I would adore her too but I find it exhausting and draining.
If she's he isn't centre of attention she feigns illness or cries or whines until daddy picks her up.

Your DSD sounds not unlike my DD. She's 8 and also demands huge amounts of my time and energy - pushing out any other DC that try to come near me. There's no other main parent who I can blame it on - it's just the way she is. I love her to bits - but even though she's my own daughter it is exhausting and draining - but I think you're absolutely right about boundaries - and clear sanctions for breaking them. Some of the baby behaviour I have broken (she no longer gets carried up to bed, or sat with in the bath) but it's taken really consistant enforcement to get there. Luckily for me, DP's DC are much more self-contained and don't demand his attention so badly. But part of the issue for DD is that she often has to share me with several other DC now, and that sometimes means she is all the more possessive. If your DSD is like that it might actually help her too if you take your DSs out for the day - as well as giving you a bit of a break.