This weekend was the worst yet - I feel defeated.

[Kaluki]

I'm finished. I feel completely and utterly beaten down by my SC.
I have had a huge showdown with DP last night and ended up with us both in tears because I can't see how we can carry on like this any more.
DSS has been horrendous this weekend. He has lied about both my DC, had huge tantrums, about going to bed, doing his teeth, his homework, in fact every thing we asked him to do he went into one. I know why he is doing it, DSD won't let him near DP. She is so so clingy and has been literally wrapped around him like a little koala bear all weekend. Everytime DSS has any attention she diverts it back to her. In fact the only time DP has interacted with him all weekend is to tell him off, then he feels bad and buys him stuff to compensate, so he is spoilt. His Mum has just moved house for the 5th time in a year and they are both unsettled. DSS has always been the quiet one, and DSD was the one with the problems, so we have probably concentrated on her too much and now she is much better and he is now acting up.
Its affecting me and my DC to the point where I can't go on. I told DP this last night. He says he doesn't like upsetting them, doesn't want to reject DSD, can't relate to DSS (he is very much a mummys boy), but I said he will lose me if he can't sort it out.
Just ranting - need to get it off my chest.

Kaluki,

Both your DSC have learnt that negative behaviour gets attention. Their Dad has taught them this lesson very well.

Sounds like they are both very insecure kids but contrary to what many will say, what they actually need is some firm boundaries and no "reward" for demanding attention seeking behaviour.

You really need to try and get your DP on board. For you the most significant thing should be that your own kids don't start learning the same tactics. His kids know that he is insecure in his parenting and it's unsettling for them hence why they are testing him to be the parent and put his foot down.

Would your DP go to parenting classes, read a parenting book or go to counselling?

Theredhen I think counselling or parenting class is going to be the next step if this new regime fails!
Purpleroses - I do totally understand why she is like she is. She went from being the baby of the family and the only girl to one of many almost overnight. Her mum upped and left DP for another man taking the kids with her to live with him and his DDs. She has since had another dd. A year later DP met me and my brood and now she is one of 4 here too. All this in the space of 4 years. No wonder she is messed up. Poor little girl. DP has indulged her neediness for so long that he has ended up accidentally alienating DSS and now it is time to work on sorting him out.
Its an uphill struggle all the way. Get one of them happy then the other goes off on one!!

Thanks for all your support everyone.
I am very lucky that DP will do whatever it takes to make it work - he just needs help.
He is such a good kind hearted soul but he isn't strong and he knows his faults.
He told me last night that there is a part of him dreads the contact weekends because of how they behave and he hates himself for it. How sad is that.

I think he needs help alongside the new regime, not as an alternative.

I agree Bletchley.
Unfortunately that help costs money and is a luxury we can't afford at the moment.

Sounds like they are both very insecure kids but contrary to what many will say, what they actually need is some firm boundaries and no "reward" for demanding attention seeking behaviour.

Absolutely. Forget about the pocket money - they are only materialistic because they don't have the security they crave.

Your partner's problem is that he is laid back gentle etc. It IS his problem. For a person to be whole, they must incorporate all aspects of himself, and he has to find that lively little boy who was crushed by Mum. Life/God/the Universe will continue to visit this pain on him until he is willing to deal with this: It has cost him his marriage (he probably chose a strong woman to begin with but then required her to carry his disowned anger which must have been infuriating for her - don't believe him that it was all her). It is costing his children their emotional health. It will cost him you.

He MUST get that love is bearing the discomfort of the smaller person he must be strong for, and that HIS discomfort is completely immaterial. If not a bit self-absorbed. How can he put feeling bad over the complete distress displayed by his children? Where is he for them?

OP- I used to be you. I stayed, but I wish I hadn't..and I wouldn;t again given my time over. The kids sounds quite young...with an unstable life with their Mum. They NEED their dad. They don't need him torn. Don't give him a hard time and do NOT expect to be the most important thing to him. THEY are and they SHOULD be. I didn;t quite get that until I had kids myself. BUT you need to think of you too. If I had my time again, I would be on my way a t this point. Not in a blazing row, but to let him concentrate on parenting some needy kids.

I also regret not going because the KSIDS are now grown up and it's clear they are pretty fucked up, and could have done with their dad about more when they were growing up. Perhaps if I had not been about he would have had more time for them. (I was not involved in DHs break up with his first wife by the way.)

Wobbly - that's very deep. I hadn't thought about it that way regarding his mum and his ex wife but I will give it some thought

Marge - are you suggesting that I leave him? What would that solve - would making us both unhappy make us better parents? I don't think his dc want us to split up either, they have already been hurt by one broken relationship. I have been tempted to walk away as I have said upthread, but I love him and leaving him now would break us both.
Believe me I know his kids come first and I don't expect to come before them and I wouldn't put him above my own dc. He isn't torn between me and them, and I wont ever make him feel that.

Your make it sound like their problems are made worse by my being around and i find that really quite upsetting as all I want to do is make all our lives better.

Sorry Kaluki I didn't mean to sound deep but it is a problem. The kids screaming tells you this because they are essentially asking 'where ARE you?' into the vacuum that should be his presence.

All the time he does nothing, you will be tempted to step into the void (to establish order). Then they can both turn around and blame YOU for being 'horrible' ie, not being 'laid back'.

I do agree with you.
That is why I have stepped back lately. I can't aways be bad cop!