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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"two mummies"

94 replies

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 22:40

I hope you don't mind me posting here. I guess I want to know if I'm reasonable to feel sad about this.

My dd, 5 came home from dads tonight and said she has 'two mummies- me and sm. She said she definitely only has 'one daddy' ( dp has been in her life for 4 years) but has 'two mummies. I smiled and said 'that's nice'....but god it hurts:(
I guess it hurts because there are other issues surrounding it all (dd never shows me any affection in front of either sm or her dad, and is very much not herself, loads more stuff tbh) but as an aside, I feel so sad that my dd feels this way about me.

Is that bad?

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KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/04/2012 22:54

I'm not surprised you feel bad.

I know it hurt my DH when his DD called her SD 'dad' but he dealt with it be realising that at least she was happy with her other family. Its hard though as who wants to hear their child call someone else mummy. Ouch :(

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 29/04/2012 23:06

it's hard I know.
Ds1 isn't really fussed he likes his sm but is a mum's boy.
Dd adores het sm and although it hurt like hell at times I've realised it is Berger than the alternative of hating her.

Lostinsuffolk · 29/04/2012 23:11

My DSD was 5 when me and her dad got together. I've always stuck to my name and told both kids DSS is older, that I'm not mum and never will be. I think it's disrespectful to assume the mum position if their not urs. We have the odd slip up and they call me mum but I always joke with them that I'm me, not mummy!!. I can understand ur hurt, cos I would be in ur position. Maybe u could let ur ex know she's said it and just ask that they respect ur position and don't encourage it in future? Time will stop it for sure if it's not encouraged by the ex. As she gets older she will know there's a difference. It's a hard one to swallow thou.

purpleroses · 29/04/2012 23:25

Hard to know whether your ex or the SM has been encouraging it or whether your DD has just decided it for herself. My DD (8) has been testing boundaries a bit lately by calling DP "dad" to see how he reacts. We've both told her clearly that he's not her dad, that she already has a dad, etc. But it wouldn't surprise me if she has tried telling her dad she has two dads - just to see how he reacts too.

Can understand it must hurt - I find it hard enough that my DCs refuse to the home they share with me "home" (they call it "Mum's House", to distinguish it from "Dad's House", which is also home) But you are right, that it's nice that your DD feels she has two women in her life that care about her - best not to get to caught up in the words if you can manage it.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 23:29

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know it's great that she likes her and it's the best thing for her. Things are not always smooth between sm, xp and myself- and it's always come down to what i feel is the overstepping of boundaries. Neither xp or sm agree with this and I've had to do some work on myself to let it all go. I've become more secure in myself with dd and she is such a happy little thing. I will say though, the lack of affection towards me in front of xp and sm is getting worse- not better and it really worries me that somethings going on in her little mind.

OP posts:

Lostinsuffolk · 29/04/2012 23:32

Do u try to be affectionate to her in front of them? If yes what happens?

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 23:45

Well yes....when they bring her back after a visit, I hold out my arms etc to greet her, but lately she has become so reluctant. It's actually embarrassing. Why would she be doing that?

OP posts:

Lostinsuffolk · 29/04/2012 23:53

Maybe it's the old loyalty thing. My Dsc used to do that to their dad and more so me but I didn't give it much thought really. Just thought they were tired etc. it's all changed now and they're generally more bouncing and less affectionate IUSWIM? I wouldn't worry that much about it. Maybe don't do the arm thing and try something different. I get told its uncool now!!! Hope that helps a bit. I don't think ur doing anything wrong. It's tough for the kids in the middle and it takes time to get used to it and their moods often get in the way! :)

purpleroses · 29/04/2012 23:55

She's probably feeling confused having you and her dad in the same place together when that's not what she's used to. I'd just keep the affection to whatever she's comfy with and then give her a big hug when you're on your own with her. She's only 5, maybe she's tryinhg to figure out that the people she loves don't love each other, and how that means she should act in front of them. She knows her dad wouldn't hug you (I presume....) so she's not sure what he'll think if she does. Good if you can reassure her that it's OK for her to be fond of you and her dad (and SM) even though you don't share her affections.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 23:58

Reluctant as in acts a little shy, looks at her dad when I ask for a hug. If it's with sm, she will act a little 'silly' like she's embarrassed :(

OP posts:

Lostinsuffolk · 30/04/2012 00:01

Yep it's as purple said then. Loyalty and confusion. Lots of hugs and verbal confirmation of how u feel about her may be the way once ur inside. Plus affirmation that ur glad she's had a good time with her dad and SM if u can stomach it.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 00:14

Arghh, have typed out message twice and lost it! The iPhone app Is pants!

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Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 00:17

Thanks for the support everyone.

I feel quite sad at the thought of dd feeling confused or that I might have added to it somehow. I try to be super positive about ex and sm, and now wondering If Ive not been as cheery as i thought i was.
This lack of affection with her is only one- sided, ie, she will greet xp with excitement and hugs, but I get a wet-lettuce greeting.

OP posts:

Lostinsuffolk · 30/04/2012 00:20

I'd try not to worry (easier said than done). Sounds fairly common from my experiences and they do get the hang of it and move on. Is she ok with u behind closed doors?

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 00:33

Oh yes she is lovely. When she has waved dad off she cuddles me for ages. I have tried to talk to her about it...explain it's ok to kiss mummy when daddy is there, etc, but she squirms and says she doesn't know what I mean, insists that she isn't shy about hugging me. She is though....and I've seen xp smirk about it before now ( it's exactly the kind of thing he'd see as 'evidence' that dd prefers him and sm. I refuse to acknowledge it though)

OP posts:

chelen · 30/04/2012 09:16

Hi, I think you sound like you are really trying, maybe it would help to take a deep breath and try to relax a little? My DSS is much more demonstrative with his mum than he is with his dad (he lives here with his dad). That is because his mum makes a lot of 'open arms, knelt down' gestures and I guess DSS thinks it would be rude to leave her kneeling there!

The fact your daughter hugs them and not you means nothing about her feelings of love or attachment.

My advice is not to mention it, by telling her she can hug you you are drawing attention to the fact that she isn't which will also put her under pressure. Just let her be.

If your ex smirks, he is being silly. Just ignore him and don't get drawn in to the competition.

Kids in together families don't have to do the big hug stuff, their love is taken for granted. Maybe just ruffle her hair a bit and wait for her to unwind? It's a weird thing having to switch homes and she is just getting her head round it all.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 09:35

Chelen, yes you are right I should probably relax about it. I guess hearing the 'I've got 'two mummies' thing sets off a chain of thoughts in my head and made me analyse the significance of other actions and see links when there probably aren't any. Both sm and xp are keen on giving fixed labels to places and people. Their house is 'home' and mine is 'mummy's house'. D was told that sm's son was 'her brother' from practically day one, and other relatives of sm were to be known as grandma, aunty etc. I have felt very overwhelmed at times by the need to insist on these things rather than letting them happen organically, but what can I do about that other than go with it? I would prefer them to relax about labels, because I think it's up to dd when these things happen. So do I think sm and xp have told dd she has two mummies? Probably yes tbh

OP posts:

Kerryblue · 30/04/2012 09:53

I have the same situation with my dd when she returns home to me. But it is only if the sm is there. She looks really shifty and unsure what to do with herself, so whilst she hugs her sm, she is otoh 'cold' towards me. She is 8 but this has been happening for years.

I am OK with it now because I think she is confused and finds it hard to know which role to take on when we are both present. The main thing for me is that when we get inside she is back to her normal self and hugs me loads

WRT to mummy thing. I do think this is really not on, and blame your ex dh for this the most. My dc call their sm by her name and their sd (my dh) by his name. None of us would have it any other way. She is not her mummy. She has one of those - me. Likewise, she also has a father who is present in her life a lot, sd does not need to be 'daddy'.

It is all very well to say well at least she likes her, is happy with her and that is the best thing for her, so therefore it is OK. But these things can all take place without her being referred to as mummy. It would seem, because of the smirk thing, your ex is revelling in her doing this because it makes you uncomfortable. That, along with the grandma, brother, aunty thing would make me really cross with him tbh.

I'm sorry, but I would really try not to let this happen. I would gently encourage your dd to call her sm by her name and every time she says mummy about her, just remind her.

Bloody tough, but you sound like you are doing everything you can in a kind and loving way.

I second everything chelen said too.

Kaluki · 30/04/2012 10:01

I'm not surprised it hurts - I would be really upset.
I have been shouted at for saying this before on here - but I believe that children have one mum and one dad. Step parents shouldn't be called mummy or daddy, it is disrespectful to the biological parents and confusing for the dc.
(Disclaimer : Obviously a different scenario altogether if birth parents aren't there or if the dc are adopted!!!)
My DP's kids are told to call their Mums partner Dad and it breaks DPs heart every time they do it.

As for the affection thing - is she affectionate with you when it is just you two? If so I wouldn't worry too much.

chelen · 30/04/2012 12:47

My take on names/labels is adults have the baggage and kids often just try things then move on. My own DSS had a short phase of calling me 'mum' but I just ignored and always referred to myself as chelen. He moved out of the phase pretty fast.

I understand how hard it must be to hear a child call another person mum or dad. But it is a word. I could teach my son to call every mother we meet mum, but that would not affect our love one bit. Being someone's mum is so much more than a word.

The children see through this kind of pressure in the end.

I am sorry if your ex is telling her to say mum. That is not right. But be sure in her heart she knows who really is mum.

ProcrastinateWildly · 30/04/2012 13:01

I think if my son called his dad's girlfriend mum, I would tell him not to.

rasputin · 30/04/2012 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/04/2012 13:14

pro it often isn't as simple as that.

By directing your DCs in that way, you will place restrictions on their relationship with their SM and they will being to worry about displeasing you when with her.

My DSS worries that he will get into trouble with his mum if he has fun with me^ because she has told him what he should, and shouldn't, do when he's with me

Dad and SM are best placed to discourage this labelling - not the DCs mum, unfortunately

chelen · 30/04/2012 13:15

I totally get the instinct, but we received advice from a psychologist that it was better for a child to try it and then come to their own understanding of why the word isn't appropriate for the person.

I never once wanted or encouraged it or referred to myself that way. My DP has only ever referred to me as chelen. DSS' mum has only ever referred to me as chelen.

I believe my DSS needed to try it on, in order to know it didn't fit.

It is totally different when a SP/parent is pushing the name onto a kid, because then the kid is under duress. But that never applied in my circs.

I do wonder how we would have dealt with it if he had persisted, but then why would he persist? My name is chelen. My DSS knows who is his mum. It was just a childish experiment. My DSS was insistent once he wanted jam and marmite together. We explained why this would be horrid. He was insistent. He tried it. He worked out it was horrid. Same process I think. I felt so itchy when he called me mum, for all the instinctive reasons. But it passed so quickly it would have caused more upset to sit him down and explain the difference rather than let him feel it out for himself.

chelen · 30/04/2012 13:17

I am also so grateful that DSS' mum was herself understanding of this process so DSS felt no pressure. It was hard/unnerving for her, we discussed this.

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