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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"two mummies"

94 replies

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 22:40

I hope you don't mind me posting here. I guess I want to know if I'm reasonable to feel sad about this.

My dd, 5 came home from dads tonight and said she has 'two mummies- me and sm. She said she definitely only has 'one daddy' ( dp has been in her life for 4 years) but has 'two mummies. I smiled and said 'that's nice'....but god it hurts:(
I guess it hurts because there are other issues surrounding it all (dd never shows me any affection in front of either sm or her dad, and is very much not herself, loads more stuff tbh) but as an aside, I feel so sad that my dd feels this way about me.

Is that bad?

OP posts:

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Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 13:19

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear though, I am pretty sure that dd does not actually call sm 'mum' to her face. It was just such a shock to hear her referring to her as her 'other mummy'. I simply cannot see this as being something dd would decide all by herself. She is not yet 5 (almost). Why would she suddenly say that? She sounded rehearsed. My own dp has been in dd's life 4 years, yet dd laughs if her little friends mistake him as her dad. It literally never crosses her mind to refer to him in that way and doesn't even refer to him as 'SD' . I genuinely don't think she understands the concept of 'step', which is why I'm convinced this latest declaration has been explained to her by xp and sm in this way. She was adamant that sm is her 'other mummy' and that she has two mummies. Unless this definition of what a SM is has been provided by someone else, I fail to see how she reached this conclusion by herself.

OP posts:

chelen · 30/04/2012 13:23

Hi, my DSS was 5 when he did it too. Totally, 100%, unprompted I promise!

I am not saying it isn't being pushed/suggested, but I am saying it really wasn't in our case and DSS just suddenly did it. He suddenly (thankfully) stopped too!

rasputin · 30/04/2012 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chelen · 30/04/2012 13:24

Well, 4 or 5, cos he was in reception.

chelen · 30/04/2012 13:24

rasputin If they ask why, what would you say?

rasputin · 30/04/2012 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippyrainbowbrite · 30/04/2012 13:46

I'm a SM and I have only ever been Zippy to DSS. I'm very involved in his life (on an average week he usually spends the most time with me out of all 4 parents!), but would never have felt comfortable encouraging him to call me 'mum'

When he was 4/5 his friends at school would ask him who I was and he would just say 'she's my zippy, she's like my mum but she's not my mum!'. Now he's 8 when people ask he will usually respond that she's my step-mum, but that's only been quite recent.

I think at the younger age they're often just trying to work things out - they talk about families at school and realise that other people have different families, and they try out different words to see what works for them.

chelen · 30/04/2012 14:07

The way I see it is...

If a kid is being told by dad they must call SM 'mum', and mum says they must call SM 'firstname' then the child is put between a rock (dad) and a hard place (mum). This is the worst scenario of all for a child, opposing pressure from both sides.
If a kid is not being told by dad what to say but is told by mum they must not call SM mum and must call her 'first name', this just reflects badly on mum as it is mum doing the pressuring. Also potential damage to SM relationship, ultimately not in child's interests.
If a kid is told by dad to call their SM 'mum' and is not told anything by mum, this reflects badly on dad as he is doing the pressuring. Also damaging to SM relationship, not in child's interests. Idiotically counter-productive I would suggest.
If a kid is told by neither parent what to call anyone, the child has no pressure on neither side.

From the sounds of the info from OP, the child here is either being told to call SM 'mum' or has decided to do it spontaneously. The big risk is if dad is applying pressure, mum is going to make it horribly harder for her child by applying opposite pressure.

Try to talk to the ex, sure, but if the ex in question is competitive, how likely is he to put the child first? Only the OP knows whether it is worth trying to talk to him about it or not.

If the ex is saying the child has to call SM 'mum' then I think the only thing OP can do is think what is least stressful for the child and therefore let it go. Horrible horrible horrible, but what else can you do? Sometimes one parent has to be the better person I guess, sadly not all parents put their kids needs ahead of their own wishes.

chelen · 30/04/2012 14:08

neither either side. Post was so long I got confused...

NotaDisneyMum · 30/04/2012 15:58

She was adamant that sm is her 'other mummy' and that she has two mummies. Unless this definition of what a SM is has been provided by someone else, I fail to see how she reached this conclusion by herself.

She may well have heard it at school, rather than from her Dad/SM, I'm sure she's not the only one in her class with step-parents DC's do begin to pick up things at this age, but interpret them in a way that makes sense to them, rather than in context!

I distinctly remember my DD coming home and asking when me and her Dad were going to get married and was she going to be a bridesmaid - (we were married at the time)
A bit of gentle exploration revealed that the parents of one of the girls in her class were getting married, and DD had concluded that everyone's parents get married when their DC's start school

Perhaps someone else at school calls her Dads wife/GF their "other mummy" - and your DD is copying them? I've even heard well-meaning teachers use what I consider to be inappropriate labels for step-parents, and some TV shows (particularly American ones) use very odd language for these relationships, imo.

It's easy to blame the person/people who you feel most resentment towards, and often it is coming from them, after all, they are ex for a reason But sometimes, it turns out to be someone else all-together, and tackling your ex would just create resentment.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 30/04/2012 16:52

Thanks to all of you for your perspective. It always helps to hear things from a step parents POV. I think in this instance ( along with a million other things tbh) I'll have to let it go. As I said, afaik dd isn't actually calling sm mummy- but is referring to her as her other mummy. It hurts, because ( v long story) there was genuinely a time when I felt as though I was fighting for a place in my dd's life. It's too long to bore you with, but suffice to say comments like these ones take me back there.

Thanks to you all for the wise words

OP posts:

ladygagoo · 30/04/2012 17:41

I'm a SM and DSS lives with us rather than his mum and I spend the most time with him (I'm a SAHSM) but he has always called me by my childhood nickname which my nieces and nephews call me. I would have definitely deterred him from calling me mummy. I really feel for you. But I would say, your DD referring to having two mummies is very different from her calling her SM 'Mummy' as well.

My DSS only learnt about 'step' from school this year and began, totally unprompted, to refer to me as his step mum. Before that I was just 'nickname' or Daddys girlfriend.

If your DD starts to call SM 'Mummy' I would definitely say something to your ex. But leave it if she is just trying to make sense of her life and those around her. I don't think there is much harm in you saying your DP is also her step father. I reckon you are probably right, due to her age etc, its very likely your ex and her SM have been planting ideas in her head rather than allowing her to make the connections herself. This is a shame but do rise above it. Just remember you are her Mummy and nothing will ever change that.

RachelF1989 · 30/04/2012 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wickedestsminthewest · 30/04/2012 21:15

I've had this a Jesus it hurts like a bullet. But the professional advice is to let children call the other adults whatever they feel comfortable with so that's the route I take.
Dd has told me that she has two mummies and I ignored it. So she badgered me about it to get a reaction. I said "I don't think that you do, I think I'm your only mummy, what do you really think" and she agreed.
In my case, I don't think her dad or sm had suggested it, I think she was probably pushing boundaries

wickedestsminthewest · 30/04/2012 21:17

Chelan gives excellent advice here

exoticfruits · 30/04/2012 21:37

I don't think that you want to start laying down the law a out 'only one mummy' etc, it just makes things very difficult if they worry about true feelings in case it upsets you, it also means they have to be secretive. It is upsetting, but you are the adult and it is far better that the DC has a good relationship with SM. DCs work things out for themselves.

exoticfruits · 30/04/2012 21:50

I agree with chelen and it is sad that many parents can't put their DC first. For the long term I would go for being the 'better' person, even though personally hurtful.

Iblameba · 01/05/2012 23:15

It hurts like hell. Three weeks ago my two CDs 4 and 2 came back from their first ever sleep over and said we have two mummies now but we hate having to share our daddy with ows two kids.

I smiled and pointed out that daddy was still theirs and her DCs also had their own daddy and I was their mummy and they had their mummy.

this got followed by ow says when we live with her all the time we will have to behave better than I have taught them. bearing my ds and dd have to share the smallest room in the house and have two mattresses on the floor until they can afford new beds for them, hers have new everything in the last two months, I am not holding out much hope of equqlity in that house, her and dd get their own rooms with new everything.

Phone all to exh explaining the facts of life about mummies, oh she never said that, sorry my 4 yr old thought he would make it up. It came from somewhere!!!

NotaDisneyMum · 01/05/2012 23:32

Iblame - if your ex claims that the DCs are lying, try agreeing that you thought that they probably were - but ask him why he thinks they are making up stories, and how worried you are about it.

My DP did this with his ex - when he suggested counselling for the DCs to get to the bottom of why the DCs were telling lies about what happened at her house, she finally admitted that they may be telling the truth after all!

ScarlettInSpace · 04/05/2012 12:40

If it helps, my SD refers to me occasionally as her other mummy with no prompting from anyone at any point - I think kids see the nuclear family setup in books and at school, on TV etc, and it just helps them arrange in their heads who sits where in the hierarchy.

My SD mainly does it when people refer to me as her mummy in public 'oh no thats scarlett, she's my other mummy' iykwim, and has done totally of her own accord since she was about 4 [she is nearly 7 now], like I say I think it helps her to put everyone into a kind of order.

She has told me she feels lucky she has 2 houses, 2 mummies, 2 christmasses etc but I don't think she is silly enough to say anything remotely like that to her mother or we would have heard the explosion from 10 miles away , she learnt very early that she can chatter about mummy here to her her hearts consent but mummy's face looks like a smacked bum if she mentions me too much there, bless her.

And kids do make stuff up, even the really good kids stretch their boundaries, especially in a seperated environment; it is a test to see if they can play one side off against the other. We put a stop to it by OH calling ExW on speakerphone [after a text to pre-warn] in front of SD every time we thought she was talking rubbish to see if it was true or not, they need to see Mum & Dad communicating about the children [even if they speak about nothing else] otherwise when they get older they are going to wholeheartedly take the piss speaking as someone who did just that as a teenager

ScarlettInSpace · 04/05/2012 12:44

Speaking of good kids telling lies for no reason, my god-daughter [5] recently told her mum she saw her dad kissing another lady [they are not separated btw], absolute garbage, she made it up for something to say, but in a less stable relationship it could've caused carnage!

wickedestsminthewest · 04/05/2012 13:05

scarlett, youre abslutely right. My ex and I call each other with DD listening if she come up with something far fetched. I do think it will make for a much easier life when she's a teenager if she knows we talk about her!

My DSD's mother sees it as one-upmanship or a compliment if she knows something that DH doesnt know about their DD and the DD runs rings around both of them because she knows they can't communicate civally even if it's in her interest

exoticfruits · 04/05/2012 14:05

she learnt very early that she can chatter about mummy here to her her hearts consent but mummy's face looks like a smacked bum if she mentions me too much there, bless her.

I think that this is the really sad thing, having your DC watch what they say in case you don't like it. I would go for honesty and openness any day.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 08/05/2012 08:45

Thanks for all the comments guys

DD frequently chats about sm and I am always positive...even when she says things that absolutely infuriate me ( sm says i need to brush my teeth more in this house, sm says my shoes are badly fitted, sm says this coat is cheap....I could go on)
Of COURSE I always consider the fact that she is lying, but she gets zero reaction from me, therefore I see no need for her to lie. SM from day one ( when dd was 7 weeks to be precise) had had way too much to say about my seemingly inadequate parenting and she voices this through exp who is a willing messenger)

OP posts:

wickedestsminthewest · 08/05/2012 19:05

Sounds vile pingu, as if we need anyone to beat up our self esteem at that early stage!
You are right to ignore your DD's comments.

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