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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"two mummies"

94 replies

pinguthepenguin · 29/04/2012 22:40

I hope you don't mind me posting here. I guess I want to know if I'm reasonable to feel sad about this.

My dd, 5 came home from dads tonight and said she has 'two mummies- me and sm. She said she definitely only has 'one daddy' ( dp has been in her life for 4 years) but has 'two mummies. I smiled and said 'that's nice'....but god it hurts:(
I guess it hurts because there are other issues surrounding it all (dd never shows me any affection in front of either sm or her dad, and is very much not herself, loads more stuff tbh) but as an aside, I feel so sad that my dd feels this way about me.

Is that bad?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

funnymummy9 · 10/05/2012 13:38

I'm pretty much on the same boat. My son calls his dad's new partner 'mummy susannah' why don't you just remind her that you're her mummy & not her.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 11/05/2012 19:58

Hi everyone,

I know we kind of have two threads going about essentially the same thing, and i know it's not mn to comment about other threads....but I agree with Optimist to a large extent. There's an expectation I feel for mums to 'suck it up' when their kids call sm 'mum'...and a different viewpoint altogether when it's dad. I also disagree hugely that this is an issue of 'ego'. These are our children, it goes so much deeper than ego.

My situation goes a little beyond an innocent show of affection from dd to sm. My dd's sm and her dad have been engaging in crap mind games with my dd since she was born. All of them insidious. All of them easily explained away as nuerosis.
They even have diagnosed dd with imaginary nits at 18mo.

OP posts:

thewickedestsm · 12/05/2012 06:55

But two wrongs don't make a right do they? Applying pressure from the otherside could leave children very torn and confused. It sounds like there are bigger fish to fry for you, pingu. The name is just symbolic of everything else that's happening.

exoticfruits · 12/05/2012 07:50

I think that mummy susannah is quite nice, maybe the DC thought if it. They know who their real mummy is, I don't see how it helps the DC to point it out and make them feel guilty. Surely it is better to go to a home where they are loved? Put the DC first.

balia · 12/05/2012 16:51

The whole name/label thing is a minefield for children to negotiate with so many adult hurt feelings etc. Personally I would feel very weird if DSS called me Mummy (and I have been in his life since he was very little) and I think i would have corrected him when he was younger. If he did it now I'd assume he was exploring/acting out some of his own issues so would ask him directly about it.

In the past I was always quite anti calling other people Mum/Dad, and for years made a clear distinction with DD between her actual Dad and DH, but now she is 18 she makes her own decisions and is much happier to call DH 'dad' and her actual Dad by his name - but there is a lot of history there, and some violence. I think kids can start calling a step Mum/Dad without being encouraged, and have seen women on here arguing furiously that their DC's did just that, age 3 (very rarely towards their SM though) - but IMO they aren't old enough to make that decision.

So, after all that blather, if I were in your place, OP, I would try and do whatever I could to reduce the pressure on DD. It's pretty clear that your ex and his partner aren't behaving very well (which is probably why DD doesn't feel comfortable enough to display affection for you in front of them) and it will effect the relationship they have with DD in the long run.

girlonabicycle · 12/05/2012 17:40

i've not read all of this but i will say that my DSS (now in his 20s) called me mummy completely through his own choice. I've been part of his life since he was 1 and at some point when he was very young, after he'd got attached to me, he started saying it. At first i was shocked and i said "i'm not mummy i'm (first name) ..." but i felt uneasy at saying that, he said it again on his next visit and it was challenged again but after that we just left him to call me it . I often wondered if the fact that my first name was hard to pronounce was something to do with it but having read some posts on here i now doubt that very much. It was a phase really, as he got older he started calling me by my first name. I've had some awful reactions from mothers when i've said this, many say I should have insisted that he did not call me that, i've never really known what was right but it was an expression from him and seemed instinctively wrong to say he shouldn't call me that . If my DD had called her SM "mummy" i'd have corrected her but if it was "mummy 'susannah' " then that seems different, it does have a different meaning . Its very confusing for young children , they are just trying to make sense of their life and how people fit in.

Children's best interests first always , and remember better they are spending time with someone they like rather than someone they fear/ avoid/ who can't be bothered with them.

nkf · 12/05/2012 17:47

She hasn't got two mummies though has she?

RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 17:54

She has one mummy and one daddy and that should be made clear.
Also her step father should get the same status as her step mother.

chelen · 12/05/2012 18:14

When I read 'that should be made clear' I just feel sad for the kids. It isn't clear to them, but given a teeny bit of space to work it out it does become clear. It's hard enough for them without having to try to navigate around all the adult baggage as well.

NotaDisneyMum · 12/05/2012 18:47

anchovy Step parents do not have a status ime - all we can do is work damn hard to be a positive influence in our DSC lives, support our partners and hope we make a difference.

Expecting a child to rank their step parents equally is one of these least child-centred comments I think I've ever read on MN.

nkf · 12/05/2012 18:52

she learnt very early that she can chatter about mummy here to her her hearts consent but mummy's face looks like a smacked bum if she mentions me too much there, bless her.

Of course you mind less hearing about her mother than the mother minds hearing about you. She's not your child.

NotaDisneyMum · 12/05/2012 19:08

nkf - so it's ok for mums to let their DCs know they disapprove when step-mum is mentioned?

thewickedestsm · 12/05/2012 19:36

Yawn.

RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 19:42

NotaDisneyMum the point I was trying to make was the the child said she had two mummies and only one daddy, the step father should be as important as the step mother.

If my children's father had a new partner I would expect my children to treat her in the same manner they treat my partner.

But you still have one mother and one father, my partner loves my children, pays towards their upkeep but is not and does not try to be their father as they have a perfectly good father already

NotaDisneyMum · 12/05/2012 19:50

anchovy - my DD doesn't treat her parents the same - so why should I expect her to treat my DP the same way as her SM? Children base the importance of their relationships on actions. An involved loving SD may have far higher status than a distant, uninvolved SM, for instance. That's even before you factor in how the other parent feels about the SP - some DCs remain distant through loyalty or fear, for instance.

DD strongly believes that being a proper step-parent requires marriage - as her SM and Dad are getting married later this year, it would be unreasonable to expect her to consider her SM and SD equally in her life.

exoticfruits · 12/05/2012 20:02

I agree with chelen. Why do the pore little things have to 'have it made clear to them' and why can't adults keep their baggage to themselves? They know who their parents are, extra people to love you can only be good.

RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 20:10

The OP made it clear that the child has said she has two mummies and only one daddy, I get the feel from the OP that the child lives with her mum and step dad most of the time and so it is disrespectful to not include him in some way, she has a mother a father and two step parents. My guess is it would be the dad and SM who fill her head with this rubbish TBH.

My children are loved and happy, that is all I care about. I would not be a step parent for love nor money TBH

thewickedestsm · 12/05/2012 20:11

But what is this "treatment"? You can't demand that children treat anyone in any way. Other than respectfully of course. They are individuals.

RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 20:17

If the OPs DP has been in the child's life for 4 years out of 5 then surely he deserves recognition for his roll, and I see his roll as step parent as clearly does the OP so the child saying she has two mummies and one daddy is hurtful and disrespectful to the step dad and the OP

NotaDisneyMum · 12/05/2012 20:20

I don't know any step parents who expect gratitude and acknowledgement any more than i know any biological parents do!
Are your DCs grateful for your role in their life?

thewickedestsm · 12/05/2012 20:20

No it's not, it's how she feels. My dp has been in my dds life for 4 years, her step mum 2 years. Her stepmum is very hands on and warm, dp far less so. I know she lives her sm more, although she's very, very fond of dp who is an excellent step dad. Why is it my place to tell her who to value more

fuzzpig · 12/05/2012 20:28

Of course it hurts, and must hurt your DP too :(

FWIW I'm a stepmum and one of my DSDs (well she technically wasn't then as it was before marriage) asked if she should/could call me mummy. I (gently) said no. I explained that I would love it, because I loved her, and I was very happy that she felt able to... but that it would really upset her real mummy.

It really upset me to say it especially as at that time she really did see me as more of a mummy than her real mum, as I was more approachable. I have no idea how it would actually have felt had she called me it. Chelen's explanation of 'trying it out' on page one makes total sense, but I couldn't have risked that for DSD - her mother would have got really angry with her. One time my other DSD said during an argument "I want to live with daddy and fuzzpig" and she got screamed at and grounded for daring to feel anything for me.

So I admit my real reason wasn't for avoiding hurting their mother, it was actually to protect my DSDs.

You are handling this really well and I'm sorry you're upset

RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 21:10

Yes my DCs are grateful for my role in their life, what a very odd thing to say.

Fuzzy you sound a fantastic SM and your step children are lucky to have you

OP I hope you are ok, just remember children like to test the boundaries and she is only 5.

I am stepping away now, good luck x

thewickedestsm · 12/05/2012 21:25

Hmm, I'd say very few children are openly grateful to their parents... Bio or otherwise. In fact, I hope my dd takes my role for granted in a way.

AThingInYourLife · 12/05/2012 21:39

That you have only one mother and one father is a fact.

How can it be "adult baggage"?

You might as well claim that it is adult baggage that a triangle has three sides.

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