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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD given too many choices again!

106 replies

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 08:42

I had enough. Dh and I have been planning to take dsd to France for a week in August. Frankly I am dreading spending a week with her but of course it is her divine right to have a holiday so it must be done.
He checked the dates with her mum and she said they were okay. He told dsd of our plans over the phone while she was with mum and she complained because she wanted to go somewhere hotter and said as we're staying with my aunt it's not a proper holiday (aunt owns a fabulous guest house in the Loire valley and also has space for dsd to bring her friend) anyway, he told her those were the plans and that's what we're doing.
Now this morning her mum has emailed to say "I agreed to your dates but only if dd wants to go, if she doesn't I'm not going to make her"
Arghhhh FFS! She's 13... She'll do what she's told like the rest if us had to at that age! After all the shit that's gone on since December dh was feeling excited about spending a week with his dd and thought he was doing a nice thing, only for those two to shit all over it.
There have also been photos on FB of dsd with her stepdad and all her mums friends are in there commenting that they look so scarily alike and how he could be her Dad. It's so sad. Dsd doesn't even like her sd yet is having this happy family forced on her in order for her mum to be able to rewrite history and make out that dh doesn't exist.
I really do fear for dsd's future with all this shit parenting and point scoring.
(sorry, ranty)

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 14:50

it's the dynamic of the step family (i.e teen feeling entitled)and able to exercise choices that just wouldn't be tolerated in a nuclear family.

I think they would in some families though smum.

I am sure that there are nuclear families out there who give their DC's the final say on where to go on holiday and a casting vote on other key family decisions.

You only need to people watch for an afternoon in a local shopping centre, supermarket or fast food restaurant to see that the dynamic for many, if not most, families - blended, step, nuclear or otherwise - is that the DC's are in control and the adults motivation is to ensure that the DC's suffer not a second of inconvenience or discomfort. There are parents who get into debt in order to give their DC a "holiday of a lifetime". Parents who are fined, or subject to community service, because they won't insist that their DC's go to school, and parents who undermine and abuse teachers, police officers and the like because they have imposed a consequence on their DC.

It scares me. A lot has been said about the causes of the social unrest and riots that took place last year; I honestly believe that society is currently raising a generation who believe that they are entitled to whatever they wish, that their every desire should be fulfilled, and they there are no expectations or responsibilities that come with the benefits of adulthood.
Where will that lead?

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:02

Hi Amber, that was me, yes. But it isn't guilt that stops him putting his foot down - although you are spot on that that is part of the problem. It is out of fear that DSD may vote with her feet that keeps him wanting to please her. Although he has got much, much better.

We won't "enjoy some nice childfree time" He wants to spend holiday time with his DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:04

How does he "put his foot down" when everything he tries to assert is overridden by Mum?

It scares me too NADM!

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 15:15

WSMitW - as you know, my DP did assert himself, and parent DSD as he believed was right - you know the rest; she's no longer a part of his life.

but, he also knows that if he hadn't done that - if he had been too scared of losing her to parent her, then he would have lost me. I would not have stayed in the situation, I would have removed my DD and myself.

Maybe DP has chosen me over her; should Dads in this situation avoid parenting in the way they believe is right and accept whatever scraps of contact their DC's are prepared to grace them with?

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:20

I honestly don't know NADM... I don't feel strongly enough to give that ultimatum at the moment but who knows what will happen as DSD gets older.

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if my DD grows up to regard me in the way his DD does him I can't bear it. Luckily I know the signs and will be vigilant. As the RP I'd like to think it wouldnt happen to me but you never know. I am by far the stricter parent though, i imagine that DD's dad will seem far more appealing when she's a teen.

Oh god, doesnt bear thinking about. I really feel for DH, and your DH, and SMUm's and anyone I've missed out

OP posts:

nkf · 28/04/2012 15:26

By the time chldren are 13, there is usually a sort of family consensus around holidays. What you like, ones that worked, ones you'd like to do again etc.
As a step family you don't have that so here's a trip that she doesn't like the sound of (not a very attractive response I can see that) and you have to sell it to her. Your plans don't emerge from the relationship. That's the way I read this. I'd work at trying to establish agreement rather than one person having their own way.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:30

DH tried to sell it to her, but it will never be glamourous enough for her. I didn't plan it. We planned it, my DH and I. I put the idea to him and we talked about how it would satisfy DSD'sneeds and wants as well as ours and on the budget we have - it is the nearest thing to it. He does have experience of holidays that she has enjoyed and hasn't enjoyed, and so do I as this is the 5th summer I've been around.

She likes swimming (there is a water park) and she likes being with her friends (her friend is invited) She also likes the sun (okay, it's not that hot but it will be nicer than the UK, hopefully) But sadly her number one enjoyment factor is having pots of cash spent on her and that just isn't an option.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 15:31

I've never seen it as an ultimatum from me to DP, tbh - but I was in the fortunate position of realising the difficulties we might face before I got too involved; I could still walk away if DP had chosen the Disney parenting route.
Of course we talked about it - I set out my boundaries and expectations, as did he, and we agreed together that we were both prepared to make compromises in order to share our lives. We continue to talk and discuss everything - nothing is left unresolved or unsaid - neither of us want to make the same mistakes as we did in our respective marriages.

I realise that for many SM's, the reality only becomes clear once they have made a commitment and it is a lot harder to walk away, both emotionally and practically.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:33

Sorry NADM, that was the wrong word for me to use - I didn't think for a minute that you issued some kind of ultimatum and stamped your feet

Yes, sadly for me, although i was cautious to enter the relationship - it worked great for the first 3 years so I couldn't predict these problems, and now leaving isn't an option as I am too emotionally involved. He is the man for me, no question - bratty child or not

OP posts:

nkf · 28/04/2012 15:35

I hear what you are saying but I still maintain it's the relationship that's the problem. Because the point of a holiday is time together. If all she wants is pots of cash, something major is wrong. And if you are about to tell me that it's all the fault of his ex wife, then it's unlikely that I will believe you.

RabidAnchovy · 28/04/2012 15:37

Shame for your Husband but go without the bratchild and you will have a much better time

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:43

It's a combination of a lot of things nfk. DSD is an incredibly entitled person. And yes, her Mum is too so I can attribute a lot of it to that. Same way as my DD has no patience with computers and hates when people interupt her-just like I do.
Same way as DSD has a quick wit and makes people laugh - just like her Mum.
Her Dad has always been a wallet to her. She was incredibly spoilt as a child and the blames lies with her Dad for not being stronger and for allowing it to happen. As she's got older, and her parents marriage ended, it has been further hammered home (both by her Mum for demanding it, and her dad for allowing her to) that dad's job is hand over cash. She beleives that love is displayed by how much money someone spends on you. She also beleives that she deserves the very best of everything.
If you don't comply, you will feel her wrath. Her mother has told me herself that she beleives her and her DD are destined for bigger things, she used to feel let down by DH when they were married as he didn't earn as much as her friends husbands. This was all said around DSD... no the blame doesnt all lie with her, but we can't seriously consider that none of it does.
The concept of a holiday being about spending time together wouldn't compute.

OP posts:

nkf · 28/04/2012 15:46

You've made my point for me. The relationship is not healthy. Hope it gets better.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 15:49

None of her relationships are healthy. And I very much doubt they ever will be as her benchmarks are fucked, frankly.

OP posts:

nkf · 28/04/2012 15:51

I don't think she's the only one to be honest.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 16:00

Not with you I'm afraid..

OP posts:

Kaluki · 28/04/2012 19:19

She isn't your child OP
But you must put her wishes first above the rest of the family
And dont expect her to be grateful because it's her right to get what she wants when she wants it!

FFS
I actually despair!!!

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 19:37

I'm heading to the bar, kaluki, see you there?

Eliza22 · 29/04/2012 16:10

Taking a friend is a great idea. That could work.

Or, ask her where she'd like to go and see if there's a compromise? Failing that, forget it. It may be that next year she'd like to spend time with you all on holiday.....

We went to a fabulous all inclusive resort with my son and dh's youngest (then 15) in a Red Sea location. Sd was bored and resentful throughout and I was relieved when it was over. I won't be doing it again, as she's now 18 but I think even if she were younger, I'd suggest dh took her AND A FRIEND.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 18:34

Clever old dh has sorted this one out he dropped dsd at her friends house and when friends mum came out he told her the plans in front of friend and dsd. Friend seemed really excited and mum agreed, dsd looked pleased and joined in the excitement so we're on!! Dh is really pleased.
Dsd's mother won't be.
Meh.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 29/04/2012 19:18

Well done, I was sure she wouldn't miss out if it was put enthusiastically. Away from her mother was a good idea.

exoticfruits · 29/04/2012 19:18

Well done-great way to do it.

MaisieM · 29/04/2012 19:25

Well done to you and your DH.

exoticfruits · 29/04/2012 19:25

Sorry- thought first one was lost- didn't intend to post twice.

Original poster

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 19:36

Thanks guys. I know it sounds incredibly patronising but I'm really proud that he figured it out on his own. He's come on so far in the last year or so with asserting himself and his confidence in his parenting has really grown, despite the ups and downs. It will forever be sad that he didn't have the strength when DSD was much younger and trusted his wife to do the right thing but I'm sure if he keeps going it will pay off.

OP posts:

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