Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DSD given too many choices again!

106 replies

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 08:42

I had enough. Dh and I have been planning to take dsd to France for a week in August. Frankly I am dreading spending a week with her but of course it is her divine right to have a holiday so it must be done.
He checked the dates with her mum and she said they were okay. He told dsd of our plans over the phone while she was with mum and she complained because she wanted to go somewhere hotter and said as we're staying with my aunt it's not a proper holiday (aunt owns a fabulous guest house in the Loire valley and also has space for dsd to bring her friend) anyway, he told her those were the plans and that's what we're doing.
Now this morning her mum has emailed to say "I agreed to your dates but only if dd wants to go, if she doesn't I'm not going to make her"
Arghhhh FFS! She's 13... She'll do what she's told like the rest if us had to at that age! After all the shit that's gone on since December dh was feeling excited about spending a week with his dd and thought he was doing a nice thing, only for those two to shit all over it.
There have also been photos on FB of dsd with her stepdad and all her mums friends are in there commenting that they look so scarily alike and how he could be her Dad. It's so sad. Dsd doesn't even like her sd yet is having this happy family forced on her in order for her mum to be able to rewrite history and make out that dh doesn't exist.
I really do fear for dsd's future with all this shit parenting and point scoring.
(sorry, ranty)

OP posts:
ohgawd · 28/04/2012 13:52

No I do mean it but Op doesn't seem to agree.

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 13:52

Agree with pump

Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 13:53

ohgawd that is a ridiculous thing to say Im afraid. particularly as you took it out of context.

As parents we don't always do the thing that gives our children hapiness at the precise moment in time. We weigh up what is best for them in the long term (and the family as a whole i.e. other siblings, family finances etc) and try to make the journey there as pleasant as we can for them.

It's the classic misunderstanding of the concept of "putting the children first" And no where in life is that so misunderstood as in seperated families.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 13:56

pump because I'm trying to do what is best for her. She is vile to be around most of the time, hence I am dreading a week with her. But whether we like it or not - we are a family. And as the adult I am rising above my own immediate needs and doing something for the good of all three of us.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 28/04/2012 13:56

No I do mean it but Op doesn't seem to agree.
Nor do I, I must say! The happiness of one member of a family does not ever outweigh the needs and feelings of the rest of the family or the strength of the family unit as a whole.

Not to mention that what we are really talking about here is the immediate, present-day, gratification of a teenage girl's desires, not her long-term emotional well-being.

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 13:57

You sound delighful as well as rude op. Hmm She isn't your child.

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 13:58

The SD doesn't want to go and the Op would ather be reading a book and getting lashed, what is the problem?

Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 13:58

NYAC I wasn't really looking for "input" I was ranting and looking for support - if I wanted to be shown the error of my ways by people who know nothing about me or my situation I would have gone on Jermey Kyle.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 13:59

immediate, present-day, gratification of a teenage girl's desires,

That's the word "gratification" Thanks brdgirl, muchmore eloquent than me Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 14:00

"She isn't your child" hahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahaaaaa

No, clearly she is not.

But thank you for clarifying that.

OP posts:
ohgawd · 28/04/2012 14:01

So you want psoters to support you even if you are coming across as a horrible SM?

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 14:02

You're a doll OP. Wink

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 14:03

I thought you'd got a bit confused as you seem to think you are her mother. Hmm

Nyac · 28/04/2012 14:03

Well sometimes support if it's useful may not be actually what you want to hear wicked. Your OP isn't painting you in a good light with your attitude towards your stepdaughter, and perhaps you need to think a bit more about that.

I don't understand why you and your dh didn't ask for your sd's input about what she wanted from a holiday, before you made the decision. It's up to you of course, but I'd always been under the impression that holidays were something for a family to enjoy together, not something that are "good" for children even if they don't like them at the time or ever for that matter. Aren't holidays about creating nice experiences and happy memories?

ohgawd · 28/04/2012 14:03

Anyway I'm going now cos you is borin.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 14:08

I don't see the problem. You are going, make sure she knows she is welcome and make sure that she knows she can bring a friend, after that it is her choice. If she doesn't want to go she will have to stay with her mother. When you do have her talk about it enthusiastically- she may well decide to go.

Smum99 · 28/04/2012 14:26

WSM, Those that know the backstory understand your concerns and they also know that you were/are very fond of your dsd until money became an issue. Your scenario however is similar to ours, a new partner for the mum and a desire for him to take over the role as dad. In our case it was very explicit - dh's ex wanted a new dad for dss and the only way she could do that was to ensure that dh was the bad guy. As that marriage broke up DH is now "allowed" to be dad again and the step dad is now the "bad" guy.

Those who have never experienced this can't simply relate to it - they assume it's just a teen being a teen. It would be similar to posting on the relationships board and saying to someone in an abusive relationship "Are you sure that you're trying hard enough to please your husband - because he may have a valid point about how well you clean the house". The assumption does seem to be that stepmums are evil and clearly the children are just "victims" of awful stepparents.

If this was a teen issue you would have raised it on the teenagers board...but it's the dynamic of the step family (i.e teen feeling entitled)and able to exercise choices that just wouldn't be tolerated in a nuclear family.

Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 14:29

Nyack, we did ask her where she wanted to go - I have never said that we didn't ask her! She wanted to go to St Lucia on an all inclusive two week break with her dad and I and her friend... as a compromise she said she'd settle for the South of France if we hired a villa with a pool.

I also asked my 5 year old DD where she wanted to go, she wanted to go to Africa to ride on the elephants... and then to Australia to look for Deadly 60 creatures in the water...

Sadly my aunt's guest house is all we can afford. Or a cottage in Cornwall, which was turned down as not abroad.

I just reread my posts in case I was going mad. I don't see where I think I am her mother.

Thanks for the advice NYAC, you obviously mis-read the tone of my post. I thought my references to things that had gone on before would have made it clear that I was ranting off to those who know my situation, rather than looking to be shown where I can improve on my stepparenting. I have dug deep on this one over the last four years and I can assure you that i don't need to "think harder" about how I am or how I feel. I have had 10 counselling sessions, read 6 books, researched the psychology of separated parents and children of divorce for more hours than I care to mention and I have hugged, cooked for, acted as taxi for, listened to, saved some from pretty tricky situations at school, and with boys and friends and considered my DSD constantly whilst supporting my DH who has been close to a breakdown over everything. Not to mention holding down a full time job (which will be paying for any summer holiday that we have)? oh and the small matter of raising my own DD.

OP posts:
Nyac · 28/04/2012 14:32

I didn't say ask her where she wanted to go, I said ask her what she wanted from the holiday. They are different things.

I didn't say you said you were her mother. Not sure why that's in a post that's addressed twice to me.

You sound busy. What's your dh doing in all this?

Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 14:35

Thanks SMUM. I lost track a bit there. Why are we always defending ourselves on here, I'll never know.

OP posts:
chelen · 28/04/2012 14:35

I would say I was never consulted about where family hols were, we got two weeks in a tent in The Frozen North and bloody grateful I was expected to be too! The kids who live in this house never get consulted about where we are going to, although when the destination is chosen they get consulted about what they'd like to do in the area/how they'd like to spend time. Our kids are not expected to be grateful but they are expected to be polite.

The issue you have is your DSD is allowed to pick and choose because her mum is happy with that situation. I believe then the only option is to make your own plans as a couple, cheerfully invite her and accept she may not come. That is hugely hard for your DH but probably impossible to do anything else if DSD's mum is happy to indulge. What I would say is if DSD decides not to go, your DH must go anyway, otherwise DSD will know that she can control the whole decision-making process in your family.

Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 14:39

Nyac, I wasn't addressing that to you specifically aboutnot being her mother.

Yes, what she wants out of the holiday is a tan and lots of money to be spent on her. And some impressive photos to put on Facebook.

I am busy. He is also busy, doing everything that I am doing too. But there are some thing that, with her being a girl, fall to me. We have a high maintenenance life. One Inever wanted, I wanted a quiet life with no drama. A lovely partner, and gorgeous daughter and a step daughter who I could be something a little above an aunt or a family friend to but beneath a mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 14:40

I suppose the annoying thing is that we chose that holiday considering her, we wouldn't necessarily being doing that if it were just the two of us.

OP posts:
chelen · 28/04/2012 14:42

NYAC it almost sounds like you're being critical of WSMITW for being 'busy'?

AmberLeaf · 28/04/2012 14:43

Hi OP, I think you have said she is welcome and if she doesnt want to come [think ive said I wouldnt blame her as such!] then she doesnt come...and you and your DH enjoy a nice grown up child free holiday!

But honestly, the issue is not at the door of your SD or her mum, its your DHs refusal to stand firm that is causing this issue.

I may be wrong but I think ive read a bit of your backstory? did SDs mum remarry and the the maintenance was changed, which caused the whole pay per view thing? apologies if ive mixed you up with someone else.

If I have remembered it right, then it seems like your DHs feelings of guilt[?] are what is stopping him from getting a back bone.

He needs to deal with that or this will only ever get worse.