Frustrating weekend

[Petal02]

I?m just venting: I really struggled with DSS at the weekend. His demeanour of gloom and apathy and lifelessness is very depressing. It?s not like he brings light and laughter into our home.

We went shopping on Saturday afternoon; I can?t walk along with DH, as DSS either positions himself in between us, or walks directly in front of me, to the point where he?s nearly tripping me up. There?s no malicious intent, he?s simply over 6 ft and not very awake. He?s not interested in going off on his own to look round the shops, he just clings to DH, and its very hard to shop properly with a large lump wedged between me and the merchandise on display. I was on the verge of exploding with frustration by the time we got home.

When I was his age (he?ll be 18 in September) trailing round the shops with my parents on a Saturday afternoon would have been like sticking pins in my eyes. Next time he?s with us, I?m tempted to tell DH I?ll make my own plans, as it?s just getting ridiculous. But if I detach myself from DSS, then I detach myself from DH, and that doesn?t work for either of us. DH would dearly like DSS to be a little more independent, but he?s too Disney to give him the kick up the backside he so desperately needs, so we end up carting him round with us like a sack of spuds.

I suppose it would unreasonable of DH to say to DSS: ?Petal and I are going shopping for a few hours, we?ll see you when we get back? I can understand that he wants to spend 100% of his access weekends with DSS, and I?m not suggesting that DSS can never come out with us, but this weekend it felt particularly suffocating.

If DSS were 11, this would be completely different. But he?s not. Although his lifestyle is more like that of an 11 yr old than a young adult.

DH is no fool. He is very well aware that DSS sholdn?t be like this, but if I challenge him, he always argues ?but he?s doing very well at school? or ?at least he?s not coming home drunk every night? ? both of these statements are true, but it doesn?t negate the other problems that DH won?t discuss. He uses DSS?s school grades as an excuse not to tackle the apathy. I always sense that DH is relieved and grateful when I don?t challenge him, like most men he just wants a quiet life, and if he can indulge DSS without dispute from me, then all his boxes are ticked. But there are times when I just can?t cope with the charade of pretending it?s all perfectly normal. And don?t get me started on the access rota.

I?m not asking for any magic solutions, but just wanted to get this off my chest.

He may be 18 but he still needs his dad and time with his dad
I think if you want to go shopping you should go alone and leave them to have some bloke time TBH also you and your DH are adults but you can't "detach" from each other for a few hours ?

This "large lump" and "sack of spuds" is a living breathing person and I think you are being very unfair and if my partner dared speak about his step children like that (boys age 11 and 15) I would show him how the door works

Just a point of order - my parents regularly referred to me as a 'sack of spuds' and a 'lump' when I was a teenager, it's not the huge insult, its just an adult describing apathy.

Hi petal, I can understand your frustration, you have the step son that is still sticking to access arrangements that was set up when he was young? I think the last time I read something you were optimistic that you were working towards a more flexible arrangement in line with his age.....did it work?

At eighteen my kids came shopping with me if they wanted something bought for them and pretended I wasn't with them if they saw their friends...so you are completely understandable in your frustration, I keep thinking about the comedy film Stepbrothers when I read your post....sorry....

I think it's odd that an 18 year old boy wants to go shopping or even feels he has to spend the entire weekend wrapped around his dad. I had left home when I was 17 and my parents lived in a different country! he needs to learn to be more independant and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen anytime this century.

All my sympathies are with you Petal.

Sympathies from me too. It's just a silly false situation all round.

I was thinking about this. Your DH knows that it's "odd/unusual" for a "child" of DSSs' age to want to continue with these rigid scheduled residentials, and indeed more so because he has no interests at all of his own to pursue during those visits.

Any parent would find it fairly tedious to have an 18yo trailing after them constantly. I'm fairly confident that, despite my parents enjoying seeing me etc etc, that they would come to the point, if I trailed along with everything they did, every other weekend, they would have to tell me to find something else to do, at the very least. Your DH, for reasons we all know about, hasn't done this.

As you know, my strategy is to find myself something else to do on these frustrating weekends. I know this is sub-optimal because I don't get to spend the time with DH. I wonder though, whether you continuing to do stuff with DH and DSS on access weekends almost "normalises" the weird situation for your DH. In his eyes - you're doing "normal family" stuff at the weekend, however frustrating the actual "doing" of it is.

If you were to do your own thing during an access weekend, DH would effectively be "forced" to spend 24/7 with an 18yo with no interests. That would surely be extremely tedious for him. He would actually probably come to dread it as much as you do. Would that "help" him on the journey to taking action? I've no idea. But then I can't think of anything else for your situation. You've tried the persuasive route and got nowhere.

Surely you can find something more exciting to do than dragging round shops. Why can't your dh take his son to a football match, game of tennis, cycling etc. Is it absolutely necessary for all plans to include you, some dad/son time alone for a few hours isn't going to hurt.

I'd do something for you the weekends tou see dss, and get yout h to spend boy time with your dss doing boy things - footie, golf, cycling - whatever floats their boat. Does your dss drive?

I think it's unfair to drag dss round the shops -surely you don't have to shop every weekend you see him?? But if you had to, why can't he stay at home and chill for a few hours? DOes he have friends? A job? Is he still at school?

just giving you some petal. Sounds like it was a slightly more than normally frustrating weekend for you. If any child of mine (ok I have a small DSS and a bump so doesn't really count) walked in front of me like that, I would go bananas.
If you can - maybe arrange a ladies lunch or meet up with a friend or a manicure/hair appt or some other girly thing (ie that excludes both of them) on an access Saturday. Would this sit better with DH that you weren't just abandoning him to DSS, but actually had something booked in the diary (you could all go into town, split up and meet back later). Its almost like your DH wants you to share in the misery of carting a fully grown manchild around. If you could plan even an hour out it might help your stress and frustration levels.

pied I don't think they are "dragging him round the shops". I'm pretty sure petal would love it if he satyed at home or chilled with some mates but he just tags along because he can't bear not to be physically attached to his dad all the time he is there.

it is beyond odd for an 18 year old.

Allnew, you raise an interesting point. If I?ve understand you correctly, you suggest that because I no longer challenge the situation, that I?m almost validating it by default? I hadn?t thought about it like that, although I recall a comment that DH made a few weeks ago, that ?I think we?ve got to the point where everyone?s happy with the situation? ? I didn?t respond, I didn?t have the energy for another argument.

I made the decision to stop challenging because it just made home life a battle ground, and wasn?t doing my relationship with DH any good. And it wasn?t like I was getting anywhere. All DH wants is access weekends where we?re all doing stuff together, and where there aren?t any arguments. And if I back off, everything is indeed calmer, but I agree that I?ve probably made it easier for DH to ?baby? DSS.

Glasscompletelybroken ? you?re right, I would much prefer it if DSS either stayed at home and chilled, or did something with his mates, but he wants to be with his Dad all the time. Come to mention it, we parked the car on Saturday afternoon, DH went off to purchase a parking ticket, and DSS even has to follow him while he?s doing that. It?s just plain weird.

Ladygagoo ? I might well arrange something girly for the next access weekend; I haven?t done this for a while, as DH tends to get the hump because he thinks I?m avoiding his son ??? !!! But as you say, carting manchild around with us just bizarre.

Petal I have a DSS too, a year younger than yours. I too, have had similar situations where DSS is unable to do anything on his own, and just trails after me & DH if out shopping. I have to say, I fixed it (he was about 13, then, so a bit more biddable). I sent out an SOS to some friends of mine, and begged them to take pity on me, and set up a group evening out with their offspring. It took nearly 2 years of constantly arranging bowling, cinema, movie at home with popcorn, before DSS finally became confident that these were also his friends (Facebook helped as well). I appreciate that your DSS is older, and so this solution may not work.

One other thing I did was to encourage my DH to take this time as Dad/Son time, and without me, go and DO something. (I should point out, that this was not necessarily said calmly by me). DSS does not have many interests. Sack of spuds fits this one too. However, they have now played tennis together, gone to the gym together, gone wilderness camping (a special weekend), looked at sound systems/electronic boring shit in electronics superstores, and generally made some memories together. I don't know if your finances can stand it, but could you suggest something for them to do, now that spring is coming? A kayaking weekend, camping (DH and DSS learned how to carve wooden spoons, make fire & cook rabbit), something like that? You might have to do the research. You WILL have to market it to them. (Eg., "you know, DSS is nearly grown up, there'll come a time when he just won't be around to do this stuff with you"). And you WILL have to tell them to do it.

Your comment re DH wants a quiet life and no quarrel if he indulges his DS could also apply to my house. So manage it. Get the solution you want - DSS developing into a young man, your DH happy, and you without male lumps cluttering up the place. Then organise at least once a month (don't know how often you have DSS) a "family night". Everyone is under orders to attend - bowling & pizza, cinema, dinner out, movies in & popcorn, whatever. This is the joint family time. DH then can feel he has permission to go and indulge his son in THEIR time, before he's all grown up.

Good luck. And I completely know where you're coming from.

Aaaagh!!

Pleeeese STOP moaning about this young man. YES....it's strange that he should want to trail around after you and his dad. But THAT IS CLEARLY WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.

Why oh why, can't you find something you'd like to do and given them their time to do something else? Maybe, they'd find something they could share? Enjoy? TOGETHER. Father and son. Maybe not. Maybe, they'll both be so utterly bored, they'll give up and do something separately.

Forgive me for being so terribly blunt but, you've been venting on this for so long. I had some sympathy with you initially but now, I just wish you'd give this young man a break. HE MUST HAVE HIS OWN REASONS FOR BEING THIS WAY. I wonder why he wants to be in your presence at all. "Sack of spuds" and "lump"? Horrid way to refer to anyone.

petal please don't stop venting about your DSS on here, if that's what you need to do. It sounds horribly frustrating for you and you need an outlet.

Sometimes it's all we can do to keep our sanity.

Eliza - would you be saying the same if the son was 25 or 30? Literally following dad around 12 hours a day every other weekend?

Petal lol at your DH saying "?I think we?ve got to the point where everyone?s happy with the situation?

I totally agree with Eliza.

I dont understand why you dont do your own thing which would then allow your DSS and DH to do what they want, even if thats your SS clinging to his dad.

Ive also read a lot of your threads and I think you need to back off, and let them get on with it. Im sure you will all be happier.

And yes, I shouldnt have clicked on the thread but I am ever hopeful the op might say something nice about her SS

does he have friends? Why can't you suggest that he arranges a night out one of the weekends and maybe one if his mates could come for dinner first? Does he feel he CAN ask mates round to yours?

Also....why do you need to walk beside your DH?

Those people telling the OP to go off and do something on her own - especially those who also say they have read 'too many threads' about Petal and her DSS:

Did you miss as DH tends to get the hump because he thinks I?m avoiding his son and All DH wants is access weekends where we?re all doing stuff together and I know fine well that I could do a search of Petals posts and fine many, many similar examples.

So either Petal has to put up with clingy DSS, or grumpy DH. Is that what they call a lose/lose situation?

It's a bloody good thing that Petal can come here and vent - I think she'd be a basket case by now if she didn't

(Oh and I call both DD and DSD 'lazy lumps' and 'lazy buggers' all the time - because hey, I treat them equally )

Agree with others, you really need to find your own interests/activities to do at weekends - is it really 'normal' to trail around a shopping centre with your DH at weekends? My DH wouldn't be seen dead going shopping, fortunately he likes outdoor, active stuff that he does with our DS. I think this is what your DH needs to do, find other activities that he can enjoy with his DS and surely your DH is being a bit petulant himself if he can't accept that you want to do your own thing at weekends? I can't imagine many families with an 18 year old DC who all 'drift about together' whether or not they are step children.

Did you miss as DH tends to get the hump because he thinks I?m avoiding his son and All DH wants is access weekends where we?re all doing stuff toghether

No, I didn't miss this bit but as stated in my posting the DH needs to 'man-up' and agree that the access weekends are for him and DS to spend quality time together - the DSS is 18 - surely you don't need to go round in a fake happy family bubble at that age? In this example the DH owes his loyalty to his DS and should ensure that his DW can have some quality time on her own. If the DH really objects to this then perhaps the 'poblem' lies more with the DH than the DSS.

My DP's DS1 (13) does that walking in front thing too - cuts in front of me and slows down until I'm tripping on his heals and he's walking next to his dad, whilst simultaneously interrupting the conversation to talk about computers (the only thing he likes to talk about). I think it's rather bad manners but teenage boys aren't really great on social graces, are they? It doesn't bother me too much because DP does not require me to want to join in the conversation. He accepts that he's getting time with his son I don't feel under any obligation to join them. I can get time with DP at other times of the week or back home when his DS will be on his computer instead.

Sounds to me like the thing that is making your situation so frustrating is that you're being expected to act as if you enjoyed spending time all together, when you don't.

Is it worth thinking about which of the things that you do at weekends are the ones that you really hate having DSS along on (eg shopping) and which are things that are OK (eg cinema? gardening? watching a movie together?) - then try and work out which to do on the weekends he's with you and which to save for the weekends when you have your DP to yourself?

But your DP does need to accept that DSS is his son, and that he's the one who needs to spend some time with him. You should have a free choice whether to join them or not - nice if you do some of the time, but should be completely OK for you not to be with them all the time.

surely you don't need to go round in a fake happy family bubble at that age?

abso-flaming-lutely . And this is the problem that Petal is having - with DSS and DH. In fact Petal seems to be the only sensible one in this family!

DSD (16) only comes shopping with me when she wants something - and as soon as I give her the cash she is off like a shot with a "I'll meet up with you in Starbucks" being with me is bad enough, being with dad (DH) is mortifying. But then she is a bog standard, absolutely normal teen

Ragwort - "I can't imagine many families with an 18 year old DC who all 'drift about together' whether or not they are step children"

That's the point entirely though - most 18yo's have a good social life of their own and aren't reliant upon their parents for it 24/7

"access weekends are for him and DS to spend quality time together" - he's almost 18 FFS. "Access weekends" are just silly for someone of this age.

Spending 24/7 with anyone will never be "quality time".

It's like my 16yo DSS. During his weekends when he is with his mother, he goes and does activities that she organises. But he doesn't go on "access" weekends to those activities (he's not interested in the activities - his mother makes him do them). So the "access" weekends are monotonous following around affairs like Petal's. That IS NOT QUALITY TIME. If he had any interests of his own, then yes, DH could easily do 1 to 1 stuff with him say on Sat morning, Sun afternoon whatsever, but NOT FROM 6.30PM ON FRIDAY TO 7PM ON SUNDAY. That is not realistic. So for the majority of the time, DSS trails around after DH in the manner of Petal's DSS.