Frustrating weekend

[Petal02]

I?m just venting: I really struggled with DSS at the weekend. His demeanour of gloom and apathy and lifelessness is very depressing. It?s not like he brings light and laughter into our home.

We went shopping on Saturday afternoon; I can?t walk along with DH, as DSS either positions himself in between us, or walks directly in front of me, to the point where he?s nearly tripping me up. There?s no malicious intent, he?s simply over 6 ft and not very awake. He?s not interested in going off on his own to look round the shops, he just clings to DH, and its very hard to shop properly with a large lump wedged between me and the merchandise on display. I was on the verge of exploding with frustration by the time we got home.

When I was his age (he?ll be 18 in September) trailing round the shops with my parents on a Saturday afternoon would have been like sticking pins in my eyes. Next time he?s with us, I?m tempted to tell DH I?ll make my own plans, as it?s just getting ridiculous. But if I detach myself from DSS, then I detach myself from DH, and that doesn?t work for either of us. DH would dearly like DSS to be a little more independent, but he?s too Disney to give him the kick up the backside he so desperately needs, so we end up carting him round with us like a sack of spuds.

I suppose it would unreasonable of DH to say to DSS: ?Petal and I are going shopping for a few hours, we?ll see you when we get back? I can understand that he wants to spend 100% of his access weekends with DSS, and I?m not suggesting that DSS can never come out with us, but this weekend it felt particularly suffocating.

If DSS were 11, this would be completely different. But he?s not. Although his lifestyle is more like that of an 11 yr old than a young adult.

DH is no fool. He is very well aware that DSS sholdn?t be like this, but if I challenge him, he always argues ?but he?s doing very well at school? or ?at least he?s not coming home drunk every night? ? both of these statements are true, but it doesn?t negate the other problems that DH won?t discuss. He uses DSS?s school grades as an excuse not to tackle the apathy. I always sense that DH is relieved and grateful when I don?t challenge him, like most men he just wants a quiet life, and if he can indulge DSS without dispute from me, then all his boxes are ticked. But there are times when I just can?t cope with the charade of pretending it?s all perfectly normal. And don?t get me started on the access rota.

I?m not asking for any magic solutions, but just wanted to get this off my chest.

Petal, I do think you need to start doing your own thing more, for two reasons;

1. So that you stop feeling so helpless and frustrated, which is bound to have a knock on your self esteem because you feel you can't control things that directly affect you.

1. This should be the secondary reason, but I think it will help your DP to realise that you are not going to sit around waiting for him to decide what you and what DSS are going to do together, when, how and how long for. It might make him realise that if he wants to spend time with you, maybe he is going to have to come to you and take on board what YOU want.

Redhen - I think you?re right; I should start making my own arrangements on access weekends, because although I gave in for a while (DH used to get upset if I wasn?t around, and I got fed up with all the arguments), I?m probably validating DH?s stance by not challenging it.

No doubt he?ll argue that I?m asking him choose between us ? that?s not the case at all ? I just want him to put his foot down and tell DSS ?for god?s sake find something to do? (like my parents would have done). But if he continues to indulge this infantile behaviour, then he can?t expect me to go along with it all the time. Or does this sound like emotional blackmail? But thinking about it, it?s DSS?s behaviour that?s out of sync with his age-group, not mine.

petal is it possible that your DSS is behaving the way he does because he knows that's what his dad needs? And that the weekends are as excruciating for him as they are for you - but he is sensitive to his dads needs and can't bring himself to do anything different because he's worried about his dads ability to cope with it?

I've seen this in much younger children - they take on a different persona when they are with one parent because they know it meets the parents needs.

Does your DH REALLY "baby" him? He needs to stop.

I don't want to be unkind Petal02, but what comes over to me is that you really want this young man to just go away and leave you and dh to get on with your "couple" weekends.

I'm so sorry, but that's how I see it. Many I've been there. I have 3 steps. Two are a pleasure and the youngest is a royal pain in the ass. I'd very happily spend my weekend with two of them, but I resent the bad feeling the youngest brought. (she's now all grown up.....and still a P.I.T.A).

Eliza, I certainly don?t want DSS to ?go away?, I would think a lot less of DH if he didn?t want to see his son ? I just wish he slotted into the household rather than ground it to a halt. You hear the term ?blended family? but we don?t blend at all ? everything is done to suit DSS?s (perceived) wishes rather than everyone fitting round everyone else as per a ?together? family.

NADM, I certainly think DSS feels a sense of responsibility towards each parent, in quite a caring way; for example at Christmas he was carefully calculating days and hours so that he spent the right amount of time with each parent ? which is quite sweet in one way, but certainly not typical for a boy of his age. But I think this is a result of his mother indoctrinating him to believe that the rota is the genesis of everyone?s life.

How much time does your DSS spend with his dad other than these alternate weekends? Even for a teen a few hours very two weeks isn't that much.

If there is something you'd rather be doing by all means go and do it, i've lurked on a few of your threads and for the most part you come across as wanting the best for everyone but here it's coming across more like you don't really want DSS interfering with your weekends ever.

An access weekend is 4pm Thursday til 7pm Sunday. We also have a mid week night (Wednesday) when he's not coming to us for the weekend. When my sister and brother and I were in our teens, we still wanted to see our parents and be around them, but we had our own stuff to do, so whilst we in the house with them, we weren't all engaged in the same activities. This is how I expected things would be with DSS by now.

Fairynuff.

I hope you find some sort of middle ground. I feel for you i really do i also know from personal experience that it's not nice to feel like you're not wanted so was just looking at it from a different POV.

What would happen were you to ask DSS over for tea on a night that wasn't usual, or can that not happen cos of the mum i get confused.

I'm not sure of the point i was aiming for now either, but here is too some less stressful shopping trips.

You could always arrange a pamper session and thell the guys that of course they can come with

oh gadz the english in that post is awful.

In many ways what you are saying is like looking back at weekends before couples have children - my DH and I were married a long time before we had children and we had lovely weekends of long walks/pub lunches - that sort of thing but once you have children weekends do tend to be about them whether its driving to football/swimming lessons/parties/supervising homework/helping at scout camps etc etc - weekends tend to be about 'entertaining' children rather than just being able to do adult things . Do you think it is because of the contrast of every other weekend just being about you and DH that you find the time with the DSS so difficult? I am sure most of us look back on pre-children weekends with a lot of nostalgia.

Yes, your DSS might be slightly unusual in that at 18 most boys have their own lives to lead but he clearly enjoys spending time with his DF. Is there anything you all like doing together - cinema/restaurant/sports - that sort of thing?

Petal, Ive read your previous threads and as a step parent myself I can see where your coming from, its a tough job!

However, I think you need to stop expecting things will be as you imagined and hoped for when you first met your DH. The best thing you can do for your DSS is to leave them to it at the weekends (if your dh dosent like it, then thats his problem to work through) and to also lower your expectations of how its going to be with your DSS. Sorry, i really dont mean that to sound harsh at all.

I have a teenage DSS and a teenage DD (as well as a toddler), what I learnt very quickly is that my DSS is not very confident and still needs more parent time than my DD needed. Can you not encourage your DH to take his son out on a fri/sat eve for a drink or a boys film at the cinema. DH and DSS go football once a month, cinema or a meal fairly often. I find that gives them very important time together and a more relaxed weekend for me!

Good point ragwort about the pre kids weekends. I think it's possible that having not had that "it's all about the kids" with her own, Petal would prefer that at 18, this young man wasn't mooching around them on these access weekends. I know for a fact, that had I not had my own son, I'd not have been nearly so tolerant of the carry-on with my youngest stepdaughter. But, I kept reminding myself that I'd make allowances for my son and we made allowances, time and time again for dh's youngest daughter.

The whole situation is hard. And we are much maligned, us stepmum's!

Some good points there

A number of years ago, when the DSSs were much younger, I found it very difficult to go from having an 'adult' lifestyle 85% of the time, to having a child-focused one every other weekend. But, I thought this was in the expectation that as they grew older, this intense nature of the weekends would gradually lessen. I expected that as the children grew older, gained independence and developed their own interests, that those weekends would grow more similar to those I remember as a child......spending some time as a family but more and more time doing our own stuff as teenagers.

What I hadn't reckoned on, is that these children in particular wouldn't actually become independent. That they wouldn't develop their own interests.

Having a young child of my own, I am aware that my main role as a parent is to prepare my child for adulthood. Of course to be happy, but to equip him with life skills, the ability to think and act more and more independently as the years go by. That is a very big responsibility. To end up with a dependent adult, IMO, is to have failed as a parent.

Before seeing my DSS1 develop (or actually not as the case actually is) into a young adult is something that is so alien to me, that it is very hard to bear. Then to point it out and have utter denial, makes it even worse. I have often said that my coping mechanisim is to detach and effectively 'escape' this madness at weekends. But I have come to realise that having to ignore what is going on in my own home, which I find so, so wrong, is actually still causing me a lot of stress.

It is becoming more and more apparent to me what a difference this attitude makes to the character of my child in comparison to my DSSs. My DS will even wonder at DS's strength of character. He has never witnessed independent thoughts or acts in his other children. The different is stark.

So in one respect, yes, maybe not having a child of your own makes these weekends hard. But on the other hand, having a child of your own, at even such a young age demonstrate more independence than a young adult, is just as bad.

Should say "My DH will even wonder at DS's strength of character"

I'm not sure i have any advice for you, petal, which is why i haven't replied on this thread before, but i do think your frustration is absolutely understandable and legitimate...please don't stop venting here.

Your DSS's behaviour is not acceptable, in that it is not age-appropriate and it is not respectful of the relationship between you and your DH. I don't think it has to be about DSS's character or worth as a human being or even about your feelings towards him as an individual...looking at the behaviour, there is a problem. DSS may not even be aware that it is inappropriate behaviour, or he may be actually incapable of/not have the skills to change it. I know that you have tried to work with DH to help him change it. Your DH isn't doing his bit, though, so you are stuck in this lose-lose situation (and actually, so are they).

I think the suggestions that you "let them" do 'manly' things or 'fun' activities together are off-base. Actually, you should be able to expect a degree of normality about these weekends - in our house, weekends are for having fun, yes, but also for running errands, working around the house, and even (with two teenagers in the house) having the occasional separate social engagement. DH wants to spend time with his kids (and so do I) - but they are teens. Joined at the hip from end of school on Friday to bedtime on Sunday? No way.

OK, a scenario: there's you...out having a massage, followed by girly cocktails with your friends...whilst meanwhile, DH and DSS go camping and build a catapult together. Not reality. Reality for parents of a teenager should include space for a Saturday afternoon holding your DH's hand and looking at vinyl flooring together, while DSS plays xbox or goes to the cinema with a friend. I just don't think you are asking for 'too much'.

And am just plain confused by the person who asks why you would want to walk next to your DH!

I know I am a little late at this thread but enough is enough Petal02.

I too have an 18 year old DSS and while I acknowledge you DSS is is a little different he is a bloody adult. I would not be putting up with him standing inbetween DP and me while walking or walking in front of me. I would tell him fucking move. He is 18!!!

There are times for dad and son times and there are times where you need to grow a pair and just say what is on your mind for the sake of the "family", you are worth more than this! How the fuck are you still sane is beyond me.

Voddie ? I?ve given up rowing about it with DH, it?s pointless.

Brdgrl ? you raise a very good point, that if I absent myself on access weekends to have facials/manicures/girlie cocktails etc, just so DSS and DH can have dedicated ?boy time? that this is NOT REAL LIFE. How true. I can?t think of any other young adults who need to spend 4 days per fortnight surgically attached to a parent.

As I said in an earlier post, when I was a teenager, my siblings and I were obviously still under the same roof as my parents, and we all wanted to see each other, but we had our own stuff to do, and the thought of expecting my parents to organise entertainment for us at the weekend (hang out with the parents ? how uncool???) would have been bizarre.

But I just wanted to vent.

I don't think people do have 'couple week's DS do they? DH and I spend next to no time together at the weekend. He looks after the younger two while I look after the eldest, or we run different children to different activities. I don't know anyone with kids who does much couply stuff at the weekend.

Ok he's a teenager so you might expect him to not want to tag along but I don't think it's unusual for teens to spend time with one parent. I'm about to take part in an outdoor activity - being trained by someone who has already said his teenage son will be helping out as well & it seems they do spend quite a bit of time doing this particular activity together. Ok it's probably usually more fluid than your SS situation but I think 'couple weekends' when there are still kids at home is as false as sacrosanct father son weekends.

Does he have friends nearby?

I don't think people do have 'couple week's DS do they? DH and I spend next to no time together at the weekend. He looks after the younger two while I look after the eldest, or we run different children to different activities. I don't know anyone with kids who does much couply stuff at the weekend.

DH and I have two teenagers and a toddler between us; they all live here 100% of the time. We do spend time together at the weekend - not as much as we'd like, but that is largely down to having a toddler and inadequate funds for childcare, not to having two teenagers.

During the day, the teens are usually doing 'their own thing', whether that be xbox of into town with friends, or even just hanging out reading, doing their hobbies, watching TV. Occasionally we will do a 'whole family' outing, but honestly, those can (and quite rightly, I think!) be hard to organise as the teenagers may have competing social engagements that they would prefer to do - or with DSS who is 14 - he just plain isn't that interested in hanging with us!

Weekend evenings, toddler is in bad. DH and I try to do something as a couple on either Friday or Saturday night, and to sepnd the evening with the teens the other night. (We usually do plan around DSD's social life for that - if she is going out on a Friday, then we will make that our couple's night in order to be able to spend time with both teens on the Saturday night.) Sunday night the teens usually have schoolwork; DH and I do our own thing either separately or as a couple.

So - longer reply than necessary probably - but my point is just that by the time kids are teens, if not long before, adults should absolutely be able and expected to have 'couple time' on weekends!

I think there's a difference between how much time a couple with "kids" might expect to have to themselves, and how much time a couple with a 17-coming 18 year old might expect to have. They're not really the same thing.

Well my eldest is a teen, but I spent quite a bit of time mentioning the father with the teenage son (who is 16 or 17) who will be spending quite a bit of time with us shortly.

I think in families it's quite normal to spend time with each other - and seeing weekends as couple time is just as bizarre as seeing them as sacrosanct for father plus nearly adult son. Surely it depends on what you're doing. If dh wants to watch a cricket match I'd rather one of the boys went with him. I'd certainly prefer to never go shopping with dh. Which isn't to say that the OP's son isn't a bit unusual for his age, but just making the point that seeing couple time as something you 'should' have is a bit of an odd idea when there are others around as well, whoever they happen to be.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some couple time if you have a 17 year old living with you. What would be unreasonable would be to expect 100% couple time, but also to expect 100% father and son time.

Petals partner is trying to please everyone and is certainly not pleasing Petal and I suspect, not his son either.

I don't recall specifically asking for 'couple time' (although I don't see why we couldn't have some if we wanted, given his age) - I just find it odd that our access-weekend routine, and DSS's levels of independence, haven't really changed since he was 11. And having manchild almost literally hanging onto DH 24/7 alternate weekends is just WEIRD. DH was in the armed forces by that age. So were my brothers.

DSS is 14 and our weekends with him have changed over the years. Initially DH made each weekend fun packed but gradually that has changed and now if we have boring stuff to do (like diy shopping) that happens on a DSS weekend. Previously we couldn't do that - normal life was suspended when DSS arrived. Since he is now older we offer the choice, he may come with us or he can chose to stay home and watch TV. His social life is important to him and we make sure he has time for that.

I understand Petal's frustration - I think if you posted on the Teenagers board or Behaviour board you would find most parents would be concerned/frustratec if a nearly 18 year old was clingy.

petal - I want to thank you for your candour and openness about your situation; despite the criticism you have been subjected to for doing so!

Your posts have highlighted to me how easy it would be for my DD (11) to fall into this pattern. My ex is fixated on the schedule (which is 50:50) and has made it perfectly clear that he expects it to continue throughout DD's teens until she leaves school. I had up until now, made the mistake of letting him get on with it, going along with his obsession because it was better than making waves.

No longer! I am actively encouraging DD to think for herself - and was delighted when she said that she would like to pop in and see me on mothers day despite the fact that she would be with her Dad I encouraged her to ask her Dad if that would be possible, assured her that I would not be upset if he had already made other plans, and made it clear that it was the thought that is more important to me that whether or not she can actually come.

Her Dad has, inevitably, made the usual passive aggressive comments about "putting DD in the middle" and "making him out to be the bad guy" - all because I allowed DD to think for herself rather than putting plans in place for her which he and I agree in advance