Frustrating weekend

[Petal02]

I?m just venting: I really struggled with DSS at the weekend. His demeanour of gloom and apathy and lifelessness is very depressing. It?s not like he brings light and laughter into our home.

We went shopping on Saturday afternoon; I can?t walk along with DH, as DSS either positions himself in between us, or walks directly in front of me, to the point where he?s nearly tripping me up. There?s no malicious intent, he?s simply over 6 ft and not very awake. He?s not interested in going off on his own to look round the shops, he just clings to DH, and its very hard to shop properly with a large lump wedged between me and the merchandise on display. I was on the verge of exploding with frustration by the time we got home.

When I was his age (he?ll be 18 in September) trailing round the shops with my parents on a Saturday afternoon would have been like sticking pins in my eyes. Next time he?s with us, I?m tempted to tell DH I?ll make my own plans, as it?s just getting ridiculous. But if I detach myself from DSS, then I detach myself from DH, and that doesn?t work for either of us. DH would dearly like DSS to be a little more independent, but he?s too Disney to give him the kick up the backside he so desperately needs, so we end up carting him round with us like a sack of spuds.

I suppose it would unreasonable of DH to say to DSS: ?Petal and I are going shopping for a few hours, we?ll see you when we get back? I can understand that he wants to spend 100% of his access weekends with DSS, and I?m not suggesting that DSS can never come out with us, but this weekend it felt particularly suffocating.

If DSS were 11, this would be completely different. But he?s not. Although his lifestyle is more like that of an 11 yr old than a young adult.

DH is no fool. He is very well aware that DSS sholdn?t be like this, but if I challenge him, he always argues ?but he?s doing very well at school? or ?at least he?s not coming home drunk every night? ? both of these statements are true, but it doesn?t negate the other problems that DH won?t discuss. He uses DSS?s school grades as an excuse not to tackle the apathy. I always sense that DH is relieved and grateful when I don?t challenge him, like most men he just wants a quiet life, and if he can indulge DSS without dispute from me, then all his boxes are ticked. But there are times when I just can?t cope with the charade of pretending it?s all perfectly normal. And don?t get me started on the access rota.

I?m not asking for any magic solutions, but just wanted to get this off my chest.

NADM, glad you have some flexibility on mothers days, perhaps you could say to your ex that this flexibility would of course apply on fathers day (or his birthday, if relevant). It should work both ways and that helps to build some trust.

In our case the ex applies the rota rigorously UNLESS she wants additional flexibility. It is never a 2 way street, she has scheduled holidays which means we will not see DSS for ages. DH won't block the holiday but equally he shouldn't be put in a position where he has to fight for contact. As DSS has got older DH encourages him to have a view however he is timid standing up to domineering mother so he has some way to go but he is making progress. I think this is a life skill, learning to talk about our emotional needs.

NADM ? it?s interesting that you mention Mother?s Day. DSS is with us this coming weekend, and it would never cross his mind that he might want to spend Mother?s Dad with his Mum ? as usual, the rota is applied without question, the fact that it?s Mother?s Day on Sunday is totally academic and would never have any bearing on access. The same applies with Fathers Day.

SMum99 ? you mention that flexibility is never a 2 way street. I sympathise with that, as the definition of ?flexibility? in our household is ?any access which is in addition to rostered access; - in other words we can only flexible if it means having the rota AND extra days/nights, there can never be any reduction.

DSS is with us this coming weekend, and it would never cross his mind that he might want to spend Mother?s Dad with his Mum ? as usual, the rota is applied without question, the fact that it?s Mother?s Day on Sunday is totally academic and would never have any bearing on access. The same applies with Fathers Day.

Have you suggested it to him? How you are sure his mum would like it if he popped in to see her with some flowers/chocolates as a surprise?
Given that the rota has been in place for so long, I'm surprised it wasn't an issue when he was younger - my DD class is making cards/cookie boxes etc at school, so it was inevitable that she checked the calendar to see where she would be. I welled up when she said "oh, I'm not going to be here, but I'll ask Dad if I can come and see you"

Even the most embittered exW can have her heart melted by such a gesture - DP offered to drop DSS off on mothers day to see his mum last year despite it being a contact weekend; she was working though So, DP helped DSS bake a cake for his mum last year (despite the hostility between DP and exW, he did it for DSS) and they decorated it, put it in a cake box, and DSS gave it to his mum in the waiting room before DSS counselling session on the Monday morning Apparently, her eyes filled with tears