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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Found raunchy photos of me under dss bed

46 replies

shockedstepmother · 18/01/2006 22:07

Title says it all. I was vaccuming yesterday morning and found 2 photos of me in sexy underwear that dh had taken 5 years ago, wearing stockings and suspenders and with my boobs out.

This follows on from me finding dss with a pair of my (clean) knickers in his bed about 9 months ago.

dh spoke to him last night and he was in floods of tears and couldn't explain why he'd got them.

He had obviously been through my bedside drawer where they were hidden deep under some other personal stuff and taken them out of the photo folder.

I came home from work last night and spoke to him and he was just "I don't know" "You're more than a mum to me" "I don't fancy you". On pushing him, he admitted to having found them months ago and when I was out on Sunday, he went and stole them.

Not only am I mortified about the fact that he apparently felt the need to perve over photos of me, but also that he has been going through my personal belongings.

dh's gutted and we ended up having a row last night because I said I was worried about dss's motives and how this impacted on his relationship with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedstepmother · 18/01/2006 22:16

Oh, well, I suppose it seems a bit of an odd thing to post. Been troubling me now for 24 hours but hey. It's not serious enough for mumsnet I guess. Not like it's Big Brother or what I should have for dinner.

Going to bed now to have another sleepless night.

OP posts:
Clayhead · 18/01/2006 22:18

ssm, sorry you've had no replies.

I have no experience of being a step parent or teenage boys, sorry. I really don't know what to say.

Can see why you're shocked though

stinkweasel · 18/01/2006 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bramblina · 18/01/2006 22:21

What can you say to that? Sorry no-one's been of any help but it's not the kind of thing you come across every day.

rummum · 18/01/2006 22:22

hi shockedstepmother... I'm afraid I read post like this and because I always think someone else will come along and offer better advice... I never bother replying...
anyway..
how old is he??
I guess he must be a teenager and those hormones are kicking in...

you must be feeling really embarressed that he's seen these pics... and been through your things..

Has he got a girlfriend..

katierocket · 18/01/2006 22:22

trip trap trip trap...

Racers · 18/01/2006 22:22

I can only sympathise, can't really offer help as not experienced in step-relationships/son's feelings etc.

It's obviously a very stressful situation but I'm sure if you wait a little longer, someone will be along with some words of advice.

QE2 · 18/01/2006 22:23

Hmmmm KR, same wavelength.

moondog · 18/01/2006 22:23

How old is the boy?
How old are you?

Turquoise · 18/01/2006 22:23

Has he lived with you long? Is your day to day relationship with him generally ok?

bramblina · 18/01/2006 22:24

What wavelength is that? LOST!

Aloha · 18/01/2006 22:25

I can't see why you are so annoyed. Your second post was exactly NINE minutes after the first.

katierocket · 18/01/2006 22:26

move along people, nothing to see here...

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 22:39

It can seem an eternity 9 minutes when you want a couple of reponses and aren't really in the mood for browsing any other threads.
I seem to recall a post about knickers actually.

I think I'd be mortified if it were me. Isn't your DH a bit shocked too?

Does he live with you all the time? What did he mean about "you're more than a mum to me"?

LooptheLoop · 19/01/2006 12:18

Sorry you've had to encounter this - it would freak me out. You probably didn't get a reply last night as a lot of people on this section only post during day time and so wouldn't have seen your message.

You haven't mentioned his age. I just wondered if this was normal boy's behaviour but misdirected? I've found soft porn in my eldest SS's bedroom (even grey cuttings from newspapers of those awful before and after boob job adverts and I fail to see what is sexy in them!). But it hasn't bothered me that much as I saw it as all part of growing up. The worrying thing is that he's stolen pictures of you. Don't know what to advise but I wonder if it was just because he had found them and therefore they were easy to get? ie. there might be a less worrying reason for this - it's not about you personally but just the excitment at finding a "naughty" photo? If it persists, or it continues to worry you, perhaps have a word with someone who specialises in step family issues and get their advice.

Sorry to not have better ideas - but can understand how upsetting it must be. Must be really embarrassing and awkward for your husband as well.

MusicLover · 19/01/2006 12:26

I would be horrified if my step son did this. What he might have wanted to say is "your not like a mum to me"
Although the behaviour isnt normal as Mum/Son goes.... .its normal behaviour for a (developing) boy!
I don't think I'd push too much, as its embarassing enough as it is. But PUSH the fact of it MUST never happen again. Maybe he thought he could get away with it & will never do anything like this again.
Lets hope its a lesson learned.
I know you shouldnt have to lock up private stuff, but it could be a thought. He may have wanted any knickers/photo but yours were the only one's he could get his hands on. Its not like he's old enough to get magazines with pictures of women is it.
You can only take it day by day as far as the relationship goes with him, its a tricky situation.
Sorry you are experiencing this unusual behaviour.

daisy1999 · 19/01/2006 12:29

don't feed it

shimmy21 · 19/01/2006 12:47

I really don't think it's fair to assume that the poster isn't genuine. I don't even think it's that unusual a problem. Even if it isn't genuine surely best policy is just to give a serious answer.

FWIW ssm I believe you and can understand your horror but assuming dss is a teenager I think the this is probably not a major major serious crisis. We all know teenaged boys have raging hormones and inappropriate lustings after friends' mums etc. We all know that teenage boys search out erotic materials for their private fantasies. We all know that it is human to snoop (although not OK at all). Could it be that this situation has happened because dss is basically a normal but misguided lad with a crush on you that should have remained completely private? I bet he is a million times more horrified and embarrassed than even you are. He needs a straight talk with his dad about no go areas and a punishment for snooping and then I'd suggest the subject is never brought up again.

NomDePlume · 19/01/2006 12:51

Lock all your filth up. Lesson learned.

Original poster
shockedstepmother · 19/01/2006 21:22

Yes - lesson learned ndp - But then I don't consider it filth and I would never have imagined ds to feel the need to go through my stuff.

I'm mot a troll and it wouldn't take much for regular posters to work out who I am.

Aloha, 9 minutes it may have been, but it seemed much longer when I knew dh was about to appear and he would be mortified if he knew I was posting about this on mumsnet,

He has lived with us for the past 7 years and he is 13. I'm 38!!

I guess it's just raging hormones but hardly appropriate and yes dh is very upset.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 19/01/2006 21:35

Well, at least he knows you disapprove of his approach. Ummm, this is really hard isn't it? I think you will have to keep your personal stuff under lock and key for now though, and perhaps think of something more acceptable for your ds to have under his bed, like some girlie magazines instead.

Turquoise · 19/01/2006 22:13

It is innapropriate but I do think it's just teenage hormones gone mad. I think I'd completely ignore the sex side of it and just really concentrate on firmly reiterating that invading your privacy is absolutely unnacceptable. You have my sympathy, but so too does the poor lad - thirteen's a miserable age.

NotActuallyAMum · 20/01/2006 08:36

Not able to offer any practical advice but just wanted to say I'd be furious too - and apart from anything else I'd want to know what he was doing in our bedroom

tarantula · 20/01/2006 08:56

Have jsut spotted this and like NAAM have no real advice to offer 'cept maybe keeping things under lock and key.
Kids do snoop. I know that dss was snooping round at our before Christmas (think he was checking for xmas pressie TBH) and found some condoms cos I found the wrapper in the bathroom. He of course denied it completely cos he was sooooo embarrassed. Not the same level of course but I do agree with other posters that it is possibly the picture that he is interested in rather than you.

Good luck and I hope everything calms down nad works out for the best.

Prettybird · 20/01/2006 09:06

No real advice to ffoer excpet that kids do snop - "natural" as well as stepchildren.

IIRC - and it's a long time ago - you see parents as sort of "your property" - so what is is theirs is yours if you see what I mean. SO going thorugh drawers is fair game.

Add that to raging male teenage hormones and you could easily get your scenario.

I seem to remember finding some of my dad's Playboy magazines and enjoying going through them - titillatingly forbidden even to a girl!

it's prbably not even personal - it's just the fact that they are asexy picures and the fact that they are of you is semi irrelevant!