WWYD- about to have a baby...

[travispickles]

Baby was due 17/01 so is now running late! We usually have DSS every other weekend, but have already swapped a weekend around the due date in case baby came on time. This weekend is not our w/e with DSS but the following weekend is. I have now been given the Thursday as the date for induction if it hasn;t happened by then. This will mean that I would have the baby on Thurs/Fri (all being well), but then OH will have 10 year old DSS that w/e. I would obviously like OH to be at hospital with me as much as possible that weekend (I plan to stay in for a couple of days at least)but don't know how to factor it DSS? Again - this all hypothetical as baby may come of her own accord before then (although still a bit ? about having DSS to stay for the whole weekend when we have a newborn to cope with?!) This is my first obviously, so may be a bit PFB and worrying for nothing. WWYD?

What would you be doing if it was an older child of yours/both of yours (as opposed to your dh's). Would you be considering not seeing them? Do you have other family who could step in if you go into labour while he is with you?

If the baby has been born, then it is completely unreasonable to object to having your dss to stay. It is his sibling, he is part of your family and should play a full role in the arrival and welcoming of the new baby.

I take your point. But if he was my son then I would be feeling very differently about this baby, as it would be my second and I wouldn't feel so uncertain/ lacking confidence etc in adapting to being a parent. I think my issues are more that if I am in hospital, I wouldn't want DSS to have to spend his weekend in the hospital too, but suspect I would feel really miserable if OH didn't spend much of that time with me and the baby. Unfortunately we don't have family round here who could help, although they will probably want to visit the baby so I could possible ask them to come and stay in a hotel nearby for that weekend and have DSS.

could your husband speak to his ex and ask her to be flexible given the circumstances.

Will try but she thinks she has been uber flexible in swapping weekends at the start of the month. But definitely worth a try...

I agree with littlefish

This may be your first baby but its not your husbands, so your DSS should really be included. I dont think it would be fair or a particularly good start to exclude him in this way.

Obviously if you were still in labour at the weekend [not entirely impossible!] then he would have to stay home with his mum.

DSS should be included, but surely it is not in the best interests of the boy to be carted back and forth to and from the hospital all weekend and I think it's a little unfair on you.

If you are on good terms with his ex, can she be a little bit flexible and take DSS back if things get hectic? If not, I would suggest you have some friends / family on standby to help out with looking after him.

If you're going to be in hospital, it would be pretty rotten for:
a) You not to have your DH around because he is caring for DSS or
b) Your DSS to be bored out of his mind in hospital because DH naturally wants to be with you.

If you can - I agree that it would be best to try and change the weekends or if GPs live locally, see if they can step in.

When I had my DD, DS stayed with his GPs for the weekend and was nowhere about. That wasn't because we wanted to exclude him, it was because it was best for him to be cared for by his GPs while DH trekked back and forth to the hospital. He was included when I got home.

When I had my first DS, we didn't have DSD to stay as again, it wouldn't have been much fun for her to trek back and forth to the hospital. She came to visit the weekend after.

It doesn't matter if this is your DH's second. Its YOUR first and IMO (and experience as a step mum for the last 10 years) its one of the few and only times that YOU and the new baby should come first.

Well my OH has now dropped the bombshell that the ex has asked if we can also have him this weekend (I will be 40+5/6). He seems now to think that it is a definite that I will need to be induced the following Thursday but I pointed out that we have no way of knowing when it will happen. The thing is, the MW had said to stay at home until contractions come at 5min intervals (have a bath, take paracetomol etc). We live in a tiny house and I don't want to be in labour around my DSS - for his sake as well as my own. The other thing is if it happens in the middle of the night, we will have another hassle either trying to contact someone to come and sit with him etc. I think the problem is partly just the not knowing how and when things will pan out which is cintributing to my anxiety anyway, and I don't want more things to worry about..

Should I refuse?

I shall give you my honest opinion, although I may get flamed for it.

If Travis already had children (either step or bio) who lived with her, then you would expect they?d be around at all times. However when you have a situation whereby there?s a non-resident child, I think there?s a case for some common sense, meaning the non resident child could possibly stay at their usual home until the new baby is back home and his/her mother has had a few days time to recover, and time to bond.

You wouldn?t expect to invite your grandparents/old school friends etc over to stay, on a weekend when a baby is due to arrive, so why should you have invite someone else?s child? Would it really be the end of the world to swap another weekend?

A lot of this boils down to how strictly the access rota is adhered to (regulars will know this is a subject close to my heart). Of course fathers want to spend time with their children, I would never suggest otherwise, but we frequently see situations where access HAS to take place as per the rota, just as night follows day - regardless of being snowed in, being in labour, house being on fire, having a small child with a vomiting bug etc etc.

As the arrival date of Travis?s baby is unclear, and given they live in a very small house, I agree totally that she wouldn?t want to be in the early stages of labour with her stepson around. Isn?t she entitled to some dignity/[privacy? If her stepson were her bio child, it would be different ? but would anyone else want a boy (who they?re not related to) hanging around when you go into labour?

I also take her point about having to arrange care for stepson if things start happening the in the middle of the night. I wouldn?t want that worry either.

When the baby arrives, it?s going to be a very special time, she wants to know her husband will be around to support her (regardless of the access rota), and I assume she?d like to enjoy bringing new baby home, having some quiet time with baby and husband, to bond as a family. Of course you want stepson to be involved, but surely this involved could be deferred for a few days? He?s got the rest of his life to become buddies with his new half-sibling, but the first few days are very precious for a new mum. If Travis loses that special time, she?ll never get it back, but I don?t think it will make much difference to the stepson if he meets new baby on Day One or Day Five.

There aren?t many occasions when the needs of a stepmum should come first, but this is definitely one of them.

Am now going to hide under my desk, as I expect lots of sharp objects will be thrown in my direction.

Thanks petal! That sums it up well I think.. I love my DSS but would like a few days to bond and adapt to being a mum.

Also am having stretch and sweep tomorrow so may bring on labour anyway??

Just think for this one month it would be nice to have no added stress - I can't help it if babytravis decides to not adhere to some itinerary!

V good post Petal

If things kick off whilst he's visiting,how quickly can dss bet picked up by his mum?

Does the ex really want her son returned to her at 3am because you've gone into labour ?
The hospital will call her to pick him they won't want a child on the ward if things do start, sell it to her that way, I'm sure you won't have a baby every 9 months so it won't hurt her to cut you some slack here.

I'm with babyheave and petal on that one.

You should have a back up plan to take DSS either to GPs or back to his mum.

I know a lot of people send their children to stay with family/friends/neighbours when a baby arrives- I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed because of the access rota.

I like mamatomany's idea.

Agree with Petal (she said, donning hard hat).

I realise that DSS is a part of the family, albeit non-resident, but you need to be practical. If he's staying during/just after the birth one of two things will happen. Either he'll get ignored or you will, understandably, get huffy about your DH's split attention.

Travis, I couldn't tell from your messages, but does DSS live very far away? If he's local, maybe he could come over for an evening, or for the day, provided you've not gone into labour. You know, just so's he doesn't feel like he's being forgotten.

And no, you won't want him around while you're in labour! I wanted to retreat into a cave all by myself and could only just about stand the company of my DH and even then it was only to have someone to vent my pain and frustration at support me.

Best of luck - hope baby comes nice and soon!

to be honest, i don't really see the problem. if you go into labour while dss is there then you arrange to have someone on standby to care for him like you would if he lived with you. and also, why do you intend to stay in hospital a few days? wouldn't you be far more comfortable at home? and your DH will be bored stupid hanging around the hospital all days for a few days, as will you. is it really that big a deal if he is only there for a few hours each day, a new baby can be quite unsettling for an older sibling and your DSS will need your DH to reassure him that he isn't being replaced. don't begrudge them that time.

Good idea Mamatomany! That may be the idea...

DSS lives about 30 miles away and we don't have anyone here who could take him. I won't begrudge DSS and OH their time unless there is so much overcompensation that I am left to look after new baby unsupported. DSS is an only child and has no cousins so has been the apple of his whole family's eye for 10 years. He will find the transition difficult, but he won't be the first child in history who has had to learn to share :)

i agree, your DH needs to find the right balance, but i am not sure that him asking for DSS to stay at his mum's when the new baby arrives is going to be sending the right message to DSS. i know in a mature adult mind it makes sense but to a 10 year old, and especially one who has been the centre of everything for all his life, it could be sending a very strong message of "we have a new baby now, you are not as important."

i think for his sake, keep plans as they are but i would try and agree with his mum that she collects him if you go into labour. and only agree that he comes on that condition.

Do you have a best friend or close family member that you can have as an additional birthing partner, someone to support you at the beginning in addition to your husband?

wholeheartedly agree with petal and wished that i had done that when my DD was born instead of trying to placate an understandably anxious and attention seeking 4 year old- which was something that could have happened quite frankly when DD was 2 weeks old rather. I would have been happier and able to bond with my DD. OH would have been able to bond with his DD. More positive attention could have been focussed on DSS.

Why should Travis have to call upon another family member, or close friend, to be her birthing partner ? just to save her husband the trouble of tweaking the access arrangements?????????? This is wrong at some many levels. We?ve discussed being careful so that stepson doesn?t feel sidelined, but this is pushing things too far the other way. Maybe Travis should keep her legs crossed when her contractions start, just to ensure SS/BM aren?t inconvenienced? Keep your jeans on Travis, just til SS goes home????

In theory you could ask the BM to collect him if you go into labour ??. This only works if she?s co-operative. If she were to get a phone call at 3am, what would her response be??? Would it not be more sensible if he stayed at home, to avoid any panics in the small hours? Praying the BM would play ball is not something that Travis should worrying about at this point.

I really think that Travis?s husband should be sorting all this out ? after all, it?s his son that we?re talking about. Although if he?s anything like some of the fathers we read about here, he?d probably adhere to the access schedule during an earthquake.

A few posters commented that the stepson could feel left out if he stayed at his mother?s during baby?s arrival. I?m not sure this is the case, as it only relates to a short duration of time. I?m sure the stepson could understand the concept of staying at home for a few days while Travis is in hospital with the new baby. I was four when my brother was born, I stayed with my Gran for a couple of days, just in case the new baby arrived in the middle of the night! It didn?t damage me, or my relationship with my new brother.

In too many cases, the imagined needs of the stepchild get elevated priority ? whereas just for a few days, Travis and baby Travis need to come first. Otherwise, yet again, the access rota conquers all, and that?s not a healthy way to live.

Ok - reason I asked about another birthing partner was because I had to do the first few days alone (induced Friday/labour Saturday) and (now) exH came in when I was in established labour because it was a DSD weekend - so we had her as normal. We had no choice but to have DSD because her mum was manipulating the situation and whispering in DSD's ear about how her Dad didn't want to see her now that baby was on it's way. I didn't know at the time that the hospital was strict with visitors outside of visiting time only being birthing partners so when I had to stay in, spent the entire day alone as exH had to work after weekend.

It was stressful but I don't regret it. One of the things that we did do that made the difference to her was that she was the first "visitor" to see the new baby. And by keeping to our regular contact (every other weekend), it meant that I had a week at home with the baby (had to stay in a week) before DSD came back again to spend time with us, so we could get over the initial shock relatively quietly as a couple.

TOTALLY agree with Petal. It is different to already having a child of your own. Accept SS is DH's child but he's not yours and that's that. Stepmums are so often 37th in line when it comes to tiptoeing around everyone else but surely to God, giving birth and the 1st few days afterwards should be one of the few times when you can put your foot down and insist on being 1st for a bloody change.

I spent the last weeks of my pregnancy in high anxiety because DP's ex refused to cooperate in any way at all. We had my skids when I was 40 weeks for example, and it was only by luck and not judgement that DD arrived the following weekend when they weren't here. Had they been I have no doubt that the ex would have said "tough" to any requests for help (her standard response to most things) and I would have spent a very difficult 21 hour labour on my own as DP would have had to look after them. Similarly, if I'd just come home from hospital with my newborn, having my skids over would have meant that DP would then disappear for the rest of the day taking them home.

With my 1st child, prior to meeting DP, I had a terrible time establishing breastfeeding and the OP has no idea yet if she might have similar problems or not. She may also feel differently but personally, I always felt very awkward feeding DD in front of my skids anyway - not helped by frequent giggling and pointing. Had she been my first, and I'd been confronted with that on my return from hospital I'd have probably given up ..... and felt very angry afterwards. The OP has no idea how the labour will go or what state she might be in on her return, eg. an emergency CS ... and where it is possible to make things as quiet and easy as possible, because a child doesn't actually live with you, then that's what you should do.

No-one is suggesting that SS be banished for weeks and months after his new sibling's arrival - just that a bit of common sense - and compassion - is employed. 30 miles isn't that far away and maybe, if all goes smoothly, and if (and only if !) Travis is feeling up to it - her DH can bring SS over just for an hour or two to meet the new baby and recieve his present "from" them ? Alternatively, I think it's reasonable for SS to visit the following weekend when Travis would then have had the opportunity to get into a bit of a routine - with her DH's help. Having him there immediately after the birth is just too impractical - because of potential complications where you might need DH's undivided attention and believe me, having him this weekend when you could go into labour at any time is also not on. In fact, if you can't rely upon his mum to fetch him back and/or you have no-one to care for him it's actually quite an irresponsible thing for your DH to agree to.

I had a similar situation with DSD except we have her every weekend. I really worried about it when I was due with all three of mine and DH DC's. Luckily I didn't go into labour at night when DSD was here but if I did then DH would have taken her home as soon as contractions started.

I don't know if that would be possible for you but it might be worth thinking about. Even if the midwife said to stay at home until contractions are every five minutes it doesn't mean your DSS has to be there until you're on your way to hospital.

Also at our hospital there are only a few hours visiting time allowed for anyone other than the baby's other parent so DSS wouldn't be allowed there for long anyway.

Would it be possible for your DSS to come during the day that weekend but then go home in the evening so you won't have to find someone to watch him / take him home in the middle of the night.