WWYD- about to have a baby...

[travispickles]

Baby was due 17/01 so is now running late! We usually have DSS every other weekend, but have already swapped a weekend around the due date in case baby came on time. This weekend is not our w/e with DSS but the following weekend is. I have now been given the Thursday as the date for induction if it hasn;t happened by then. This will mean that I would have the baby on Thurs/Fri (all being well), but then OH will have 10 year old DSS that w/e. I would obviously like OH to be at hospital with me as much as possible that weekend (I plan to stay in for a couple of days at least)but don't know how to factor it DSS? Again - this all hypothetical as baby may come of her own accord before then (although still a bit ? about having DSS to stay for the whole weekend when we have a newborn to cope with?!) This is my first obviously, so may be a bit PFB and worrying for nothing. WWYD?

My dsd wasn't around for the first 2-3 weeks of dd's life. She was only allowed to come to us every 3rd weekend, and as dd arrived not long after a visit, she wasn't involved at all when dd was born for some time. But when she did she was hugely proud of her and she and dd are so close, in fact much closer than dsd and her other siblings at her mum's end.

It's a worrying time and so daunting as you just don't know what to expect. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him not to be with you at this time, and if you've done what we did and made it absolutely clear to dsd from the outset that she was loved, wanted, and we were looking forward to her being a fantastic big sister then I don't believe that just one act (ie getting him to stay with his mum) would make him feel unwanted. We made sure that dsd had a big fuss made of her when she did come for the first time, and she was taken on a big treat day out on the next visit.

And if he does need to be with someone while you're in hospital, who better than his own mum? I'd say it's better to be her than someone he's less familiar with, I'd have thought that would be even more unsettling for him.

Silverfrog - you definition of a 'family situation' clearly differs to mine, however I respect your opinion.

As regards asking SS what he wants to do - er, hang on, he's TEN. A ten yr old should not be calling the shots. That would be very unhealthy, yet it seems to be quite common in step/blended families - where the non resident child is often given far too much power, as their father is desperate to keep him/her happy. We've had numerous threads about this. When I was ten, the adults made the decisions.

I think we could debate for weeks over whether or not a stepchild needs to be around when a baby is first born. But surely the most important thing is that the needs/wishes of the expectant Mum are adhered to, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. Travis will never have another first baby, and we're only talking about a few days.

I think it would be heartbreaking if Travis had those first few days compromised. Her whole life should not be run to suit her SS. I reiterate: we're only talking about a few days. Is that really too much to ask?

Thanks all. Well I put my foot down and he is not staying this weekend. It turns out that BM's partner's son is with his mum this w/e so they were hoping for a weekend away... Not this weekend I'm afraid!

Good for you! I hope you manage to relax before baby starts making his/her way into the world!

Thanks Petal - appreciate the support today. Sometimes it is too easy to lose sight of the sensible thing to do in all the other needs going on.

Good luck! I think this ultimately depends on what kind of person the SC's mother is. I was lucky, very amicable relationship, I was in early labour for days so plenty of time to arrange to not have my DSD.

I ended up being in hospital a week with an emergency c-section, we got home on a Friday morning, DSD was dropped for the weekend Friday evening and was an absolute godsend, everyone happy.

If there's a chance that an ex will try and spoil it for you, you're wise to put your foot down. Hope it all turns out well.

Glad to read you're (hopefully) going to be able to relax this weekend Travis - make the most of it ! Have you tackled next weekend yet ?

I have 2 sdc and gave birth 3 weeks ago to my own DD. Having been flexible about visitors prior to giving birth after I actually went through it there was no way in hell I wanted anyone around me apart from DH and I had a relatively stress free birth! Bfing was a nightmare, baby blues hit me like a ton of bricks on day 3 and I spent 24 hours sobbing for no reason, I was exhausted and my fanjo felt like it had been turned inside out. I felt and looked revolting and just didn't want anyone at all to see me feeling and looking so rough.

In retrospect I should have left the hospital after one night as DH looked after me far better at home than anyone in the hospital did. Once I did get home he spent a few days focusing only on DD and I and making sure I didn't need to lift a finger. If the dsc were there he would have had to focus a large part of that energy on to them. If DH and I have another then this DD will spend a few days with family or friends so that again DH can focus on us.

This is the once time in your life when you can be 100% selfish and do what is best for you.

Good luck and best wishes for the birth

Do what is right for YOU and YOUR baby... don't let this worry you at the time when you have enough on your plate.

If the ex doesn't understand its HER problem - you all have years ahead of you. Maybe get your OH to go after school in week and take DSS to Pizza Hut - maybe even you'll feel up to going with them but ITS UP TO YOU!

When my DS was born, we didn't have DSS for at least 3 weeks becuase I just could not have coped with it.

Oh and good luck with the birth - hope all goes well and you enjoy your first weeks with your little bundle xx

Have you had your baby travispickles?
How did it all work out for you in the end?

I've only just seen this thread which is odd as I'm on here just about every day. Travis, I'm watching with interest as I have a non-res DSS aged 9 and am currently 21 weeks with my first. I'd like to add that I agree wholeheartedly with everything Petal has said - it worries me that I might need to make arrangements for DSS to go back to Mum/round to a friend if I have DSS with me and go into labour so that others will know what's going on before DH does.

What's the latest, has the baby arrived yet? I sincerely wish you all the best, and do think that you need time (how much I don't know as I've never done this before either) to bond with your new baby - just the 3 of you. Even full siblings stay with friends/family and are made a fuss of whilst they are there while a new baby arrives, I don't see it has to be so much different for a step-child.

I'm hoping Travis has gone quiet, because she's celebrating the safe arrival of a healthy baby????

I hope Travis has had the baby too!

The arrival of both my DC arrived right in the middle of the feckin school holidays and so my DSD was about the WHOLE time!! Quite frankly I didn't want anyone around (not even my mum) when I first got home with DC1, let alone my DSD - who I am fond of and who was genuinely excited about her new sibling.

Actually it was the arrival of my DS a few months ago which I found harder because I really needed my DH to take care of our toddler DD and not be pulled into fetching and carrying for my DSD. I was (sort of) ok to have her with us when I got home from hospital (its her new baby brother, she is part of our family too etc etc) but I expected her to go back to her mum's the next day- but NO! She hung around for the WHOLE of bloody half term i.e. the first week I was home i.e. that first week when you are all over the place, weeping, trying to establish breast feeding, trying to do your first poo etc etc

I got to the point when I wanted to scream to my husband PLEASE SEND HER BACK TO HER MUMS FOR JUST A FEW DAYS, PLEASE!!!! But I just didn't feel able to because I felt that
my DH would be upset that I didn't want her around. His take has always been "well if she was our daughter she would be around", yes, but she isn't my daughter and she has a lovely mum who she lives with so can't she just bugger off there for a few days - JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Arrrrrrgggggggg!!! I have added nothing to this thread but makes be feel better to have ranted about it! All water under the bridge now mind and in the grand scale of things all sounds a bit petty now, but v difficult for DH's to understand what it feels like to be a new mum and that you might want some space away from their children (if non resident parent).....

Travis ??????? Where are you ??????? Please come and update us.

Hope everything is OK.

Just an aside - why is it hard to poo when you've had a baby? Or is it best I don't know?

Ummmm, combination of constipation, fear of bursting your stitches (not possible according to the midwives but then they also claim that "you might feel a bit of stinging now....") and the fact that you feel like your, ehh-hemm, ladybits have been run over by a truck. Basically, I needed to employ my best hypnobirthing breathing techniques to get through it......

Petal. How can I explain in a nice and gentle way.

Hmm, I can't.

Basically you use the same muscles to push out a baby as you do to have a poo and, while I can't speak for anyone else, I was afraid my innards would fall out.

yes it's a combination of tear/stitches, and feeling like nothing, nothing, should ever come in or out of anywhere near that region ever again!

I remember before I'd had DS, and someone in work was asking around cos she didn't have a tampon. Someone offered her a pad and she gave a horrified "but I haven't used one of those since DD was born". I said "why would you need to use a paid after DD was born". Little did I know . They all had a good laugh at me

Er, right. Thank you ladies. Beginning to wish I hadn't asked!

lol Petal, don't less us put you off though!

I had frozen Gel Pads.

You see, when I gave birth to DS, I also gave birth to the most fantastic pile, which has stayed with me to this day.

I think of it as my third child.