WWYD- about to have a baby...

[travispickles]

Baby was due 17/01 so is now running late! We usually have DSS every other weekend, but have already swapped a weekend around the due date in case baby came on time. This weekend is not our w/e with DSS but the following weekend is. I have now been given the Thursday as the date for induction if it hasn;t happened by then. This will mean that I would have the baby on Thurs/Fri (all being well), but then OH will have 10 year old DSS that w/e. I would obviously like OH to be at hospital with me as much as possible that weekend (I plan to stay in for a couple of days at least)but don't know how to factor it DSS? Again - this all hypothetical as baby may come of her own accord before then (although still a bit ? about having DSS to stay for the whole weekend when we have a newborn to cope with?!) This is my first obviously, so may be a bit PFB and worrying for nothing. WWYD?

Would it really be so bad if Travis and her husband simply arranged NOT to have SS on the weekend in question? Would the world end? I can't imagine any of this is doing Travis's blood pressure much good - in which case, the unborn child's needs are already deemed less important than BM/SS.

only read OP and first few posts.

I think you need to tread carefully here.

I fully understand your position re: your first child etc. but there is already a child in the family - your dss.

you are, I assume, looking to create a new blended family - you cannot hterefore exclude your dss.

how does your dss feel about the new baby?

I do have sympathy gor your situation, but it is one of those htings that happens when you are in a step family.

I had my step childrne with me (as in staying with us for contact, not at the birth!) for both dds. not necessarily ideal, as dh obviously had ot share his time. but as other posters have said - what woud you do if your dss was your ds?

there is a lot of talk about wanitng things ot be "right" about the birth of a new child, and people can get quite precios about it.

basically, it hurts a lot, and then your time in hospital is pretty boring - the more visitors the merrier is what I say (and I didn't have easy labours/nice time in hospital either time)

maybe your dss would love ot see the new baby, as one of the first visitors?

one of the best photos I have of my dss is of him cuddling a newborn dd1, maybe 4 hours or so after she was born (after a hideous 38 hours labour, which my step children were staying with us throughout). the joy and wonder on dss' face, to be holding this tiny little baby is amazing (dss was 13 at the time)

I think a lot of this "but I want my dh to be with me in the hospital and spend time with us" is overblown - you have a whole lifetime ahead to spend time together - not being just the 3 of you (which it will never be, your dh has a son already) is not going to wreck anything.

Yes - Travis, her husband and new baby DO have a lifetime to enjoy being together. But I still think these precious first few hours/days should be "ring-fenced". So I suppose I'm turning Silverfrogs comments the other way round, and suggesting that stepson has the rest of his life to enjoy his new sibling.

I think the first few days are far more important to Mum/Dad/baby (ie the baby and those that created him/her) than to baby/stepson. I don't think baby or stepson will suffer from being introduced on Day Five.

hmm, I'm just not so sure about that.

not wrt a bond between baby and older sibling, but more from a perspective of the older sibling - excluded form such a "family" time (again, I do NOT mean at the birth, or in the minutes afterwards) - how is he supposed ot feel, other than not part of that family?

when I had dd1, we were abroad. we had both my step children out with us ofr contact, and that wa sth eway it was. yes, it mean tthat dh, dd1 and I did not get any "alone time" until dd1 was about 3 weeks old.

but life in a step family is a series of compromises, where the best should be sought for ALL involved.

when I had dd2, it was only dss staying with us that weekend - I literally picked him up from the station, and 3 hours later was in hospital having dd2. dss was left at home holding the fort (he was 16!) until the cover care for dd1 arrived (she has SN), and cooking for dh for later etc. but he wuodl still have rather been there than not (we had seen him the wekend before as well, and he had the choice - he knew I was due around that time, and he wanted ot be there)

again, he ws the first person other than dh or I (and assorted doctors ) to hold dd2, and he remembers htis, and it makes him feel part of the the extended family we are.

I think the dss should be asked what HE wants to do - if he wants to be around, then excluding him could be very damaging - how else is he suppose dto see it other than being supplanted by the new baby?

I am going to wade in here and say, once again, that I agree with petal... but that may also be because our family may have similar dynamics. DSS is imensley jealous of DD despite him being included in all the run up and being around pretty much as soon as she arrived. I dont think it helped with cohesion at all- in fact the opposite. I acted in the same way that I would act as if he was my own DC- but it backfired.

so maybe the answer lies in knowing the child and family situation. If i was doing it again (not that you can have a 'first' baby again....) I would have waited. It was a monumental disaster for us.

I was lucky with my two DSs, they were each due on a contact weekend but arrived late

I definitely didn't not want the two SSs staying when I went into labour, DH tried to get something in place that they either stayed at their mum's or went home (depending on time of night) if it kicked off while they were due here but she wouldn't budge on it. So we arranged for a nearby relative to be on call to sit with them if we had to dash to the hospital.

Thankfully my boys timed it right!

ExW was however INSISTING that the SSs be the very first to see the baby (over and above my own Mum). My first baby turned up rather conveniently during a school day, and DH went to pick them up after school, meet the baby, then took them home, - they saw him again on the very next weekend.

DS2 was born in the night and I was back home by mid-afternoon so everyone waited until then anyway. Again DH had to go and get the SSs for meeting the baby, then back home.

I agree with others that this time should be focused on you and the baby, you don't get that time back.

Delaying 'bonding' between step siblings is not going to bring about the end of the world.

I think these sort of situations boil down to personal preference and (as Lateatwork points out) family dynamics. Some expectant Mums will want their step children around, and some won't. But I maintain that this is one occasion where, just for a few days, the needs/wishes of the new Mum should take precedence. It's a very special time.

A lot of us (myself included) find our stepchildren very intrusive. I couldn't contemplate contractions/going into labour at home, if SS were with us. Given the parts of the body involved, having an unrelated male around (who wasn't a doctor) would make me extremely uncomfortable. And the thought of bringing a new baby back home, to find SS hanging round the house, is beyond depressing. It would taint the whole experience for me.

I think its best all round if everyone[esp XPS] can be friendly and flexible, but appreciate this is sometimes not the case.

I understand all the things people are saying about bonding time etc but it seems as though the issue is that the step children are not the woman having the babies own and that is the main reason why its thought by some as acceptable to keep them away.

You just wouldnt do this with your own bio children.

Can I just add, - I've been thinking of so many times i've said "I wished I'd put my foot down and had it my way, - i knew it would be like this"

• think of how you will feel looking back on this in a couple of years. Will you regret having the DSS there and not insisting that he stays home with his Mum? (until you're at least home from the hospital)

Will you regret feel anxious about his presence at a time you should be enjoying your first child?

If you think you will then insist you have things your way now.

Good Luck.

" the needs/wishes of the new Mum should take precedence "

exactly Petal, you always say it so well.

I totally agree that family dynamics are the most important thign here.

I to ohave felt massively intruded upon by my step children at times (well, most of the time)

but they are children (well, erm, not any more. oh fhs, I'm tying myself in knots here!), and it is a difficult time for them - the birth of anew sibling.

I know my 2 step children were regaled with all sorts of useful claptrap about how daddy would have a new baby now, not as uch time for htem (helpful, since clearly he woudl see dd1 more, not just because she would be residing with him, but because we were thousands of miles away too!).

and it was up to us (dh and me) to make sure that none of that sunk in too much.

I really honestly think too much os made of "just us" bonding time.

no it isn't ideal to be visited by anyone when you are in labour. but I don't like th elines that are drawn sometimes between family/not really family.

if the dss in the OP was her son, she would have to deal with it. he is her dh's son - so her dh has ot deal with it (and I don't mean not see him by that, I mean the dss has some rights in this situation)

you can only ever do what oyu think is the best at any one time. but I think excluding a step child form a family situation speaks volumes, tbh.

"no it isn't ideal to be visited by anyone when you are in labour. but I don't like th elines that are drawn sometimes between family/not really family.

if the dss in the OP was her son, she would have to deal with it. he is her dh's son - so her dh has ot deal with it (and I don't mean not see him by that, I mean the dss has some rights in this situation)

you can only ever do what oyu think is the best at any one time. but I think excluding a step child form a family situation speaks volumes, tbh."

silverfrog said it much better!

FWIW, I also don't like the mum/mil distinction that is sometimes drawn (obviously not on this board!)

if my MIL had wanted to come and be on e of the first to visit either dd (they live a long way away, so not possible) then I would have sucke dhtat up too. and staying with us while baby was born (althoguh I woudl have had to set som every stringent house rules!)

it certainly wouldn't have been one rule fo rmy family and one rule for dh's family...

When I had my daughter I packed my then 13 year old son off to my mum's where he remained for the next 3 days. They both drove up to visit me in hospital for an hour and a half but then went back again. I sent him away because it was more practical to do so .... I had no idea how long labour would last (21 hours as it turned out) or how long I'd be in hospital (2 nights). I considered DS too young to be left at home for long periods and overnight on his own.

The same thing applies to my stepchildren, except that it wouldn't have been quite so simple - even if we had found someone to look after them .... as they would have needed to be driven home more than 100 miles away and DP was the only person who could do that. His ex would NOT have come to fetch them. Similarly, due to the distance in our case, it would have been impossible for DP to pick them up for a flying visit. I might have felt differently if the ex was normal and could be relied upon to be helpful, sensible and co-operative but she isn't, and in fact, there was the very real possibility (based on many past experiences) that she would have used the situation to make things even more difficult (e.g. not being at home when skids are returned).

In my personal circumstances, I really don't consider my own son was treated any differently from my stepchildren - who could also have visited the hospital if they lived nearer and/or their mother was willing to assist in bringing them down. Obviously, every family has its own set of circumstances and opinions about the "right" way to do this but, as I said before, this is surely one occasion when the new mother's wishes should be heeded ?

I really feel all this "you wouldn't do this that or the other if they were your own children" is a bit unfair. You can't make stepchildren into your own children - they're not, however much you love them (or not, as the case may be), and the fact is, that stepchildren who don't live with you full time come with their own set of circumstances which simply don't apply to your own children .... not least the fact that many of them live a significant distance away which is a logistical nightmare at a time like this.

Oh please please please put yourself first ... I went into labour early with my DS whilst looking after DSD ... thought the contractions were braxton hicks and ignored them, picked her up from school, we went to Sainsburys, came home, made her tea, baked a cake and only when she was in the bath and I had grabbed pregnancy book and notes did I ring the hospital (and partner) whilst sitting on the loo sobbing quietly. DP came home and yelled at me for not having bag packed and then hs parents came over to look after DSD until her mother came to pick her up (Do I really have to?) ... She (DSD age 5) was fantastic and DP arrived home to find her rubbing my back and yelling "breathe, breathe" whilst we played which animal am I ...
Anyway, not an easy birth nearly a month early and with pre-eclampsia, and I was and still am (over two years later) devastated that rather than spend time with me and DS in the hospital (we were in for a week) DP had to look after DSD.
This is your first baby and you are 'momentarily' entitled to be top of the list. Put your foot down and as long as after your baby arrives things revert back to regular weekends for DSS then it should never be an issue.

No one is suggesting that a stepchild should be excluded from a family situation. But I?ve never viewed childbirth as a ?family situation? as such ? it?s a significant MEDICAL situation, which (I?m told) can be very painful, distressing and generally not a spectator sport. What if Travis has an emergency c-section? Calling it a ?family situation? makes it sound like you?re comparing it to a BBQ/garden party!

All we?re asking, is that Travis could have some privacy and dignity while her baby is being born.

As regards wanting a few days to recover from the birth ? again, this is medically necessary, and not a ?family situation?. Some mother/baby bonding time isn?t public property either ? it?s the first few days with the life you?ve created. Even though I don?t have bio children, I can totally understand why this is important to Travis.

The logistics of involving a non resident child at such a significant time are a real headache, and it sounds as if many posters actually sent their bio children off to grandparents etc when a new baby was being born, so why would it harm a step child to stay with him mum for a few days?

I agree with the poster who suggested that the BM could use the present situation as an excuse to make life more difficult ? I?m sure lots of us deal with BMs who?d relish the idea of giving Wife No2 the run-around when she?s expecting her first baby. Can we really trust the BM in Travis?s situation to be co-operative if she gets a May Day call at 3am ???????

Thanks everyone - some really helpful advice and it is always useful to see both sides of the situation. I have spoken to OH and stated that I am not happy to have DSS Friday night, but if I am not in labour Saturday we can have him then. He is apparently at a sleepover Sat night, so I will organise for him to be taken there early if needs be. This weekend is not actually OUR weekend, but because we swapped the last two BM is trying to wrangle it. Don't know what her response is yet, she may (based on previous) decide to be awkward.
I would very much like DSS to be first visitor, but agree with others that his being around initially when I am trying to BF/ get used to having baby etc will not be helpful, and I would probably organise for a bio son of his age to stay with GPs for the first few days if I felt I needed time to bond etc. Imagine having a first is a little different to a second though? Will let you know BMs response...

Personally, I admit to be afraid for too long to say, 'but hang on they're not my children , I does make a difference"

I would feel comfortable for my own DSs to see me in early labour, or to see me get to grips with Bfing, but no I would not feel the same way about my SSs even when they were younger and still sweet-- .

Sometimes people are pressured into putting up with a load of crap (I for one am guilty) just because they are trying to do what others think is right and fair.

No they're not her children, they are her DP's.

In this situation travis is going to go through labour, and give birth and feed the baby not her DP. She should be allowed to experience this her way.

Travis, I really don't like the sound of you waiting for BMs response.

Ask Tell your DP not to let her be in control of the situation.

You are right Gwyn - the OH has no cojones when it comes to BM. I imagine this is fairly typical of lots of men in his position. I will outright refuse to have him stay on Friday night. Stressed enough as it is!

Travis - your DP should tell his ex what is happening, not ask her if it's OK. I still think it's best if your DP doesn't bring SS to your house this weekend, because if he's not with you, then you haven't got the problem of what to do with him or how to get him home, when baby starts coming.

Don't give BM any room to be difficult.

It does seem to be fairly typical I'm afraid, although DH has managed to grow a pair over the years!

Good on you travis

petal, I know well that this would be a time for the ex to try to make life as difficult as possible - been there, done that.

and I am sory, but I still don't really get the whole initial bonding thing. it can happen just as easily with other people around...

I do understand the establishing breastfeeding angle, but again, there are ways around that.

and I'm sorry, but if a birth is not a family occasion (again I stress I do not mean the actual birth!) then Idon't know what is.

I did end up with an emergency section for dd1, after a ridiculously long labour. and for dd2, actually, as I went onto labour before my planned section.

I am familiar with the medical side of births.

BUt I still think that the dss should be aske dwhat he wants too.

Travis - I do hope you find a solution that suits you all, and that the ex doesn't make life too difficult. Having your first baby is unnerving, but it will all be fine

But Silverfrog, if you think a birth & the days immediately after are a family occasion, then that's fine and no-one would criticise you for feeling that way and dealing with things as you wished.

However, not every woman feels the same and the OP simply wants to handle this in a way she feels comfortable with. There are a number of us on this thread, myself included, who have sent our own children away at times like these and their relationship with their siblings haven't suffered one bit. I certainly didn't ask my son what he wanted to do .... I explained to him what was going to happen, as he was a child and as his mother and an adult, felt it was my right to make that sort of decision. I personally feel that surely to goodness no child, step or otherwise, should be allowed to draw up the timetable surrounding a birth ?!? ..... they cannot possibly understand how a new mother feels or what she might need.

I'm not suggesting letting the child draw up the timetable.

But I think it is a very tricky time for any older sibling, but especially a non-resident half-sibling.

it's just an opinion.