Step Parents - would you do it all over again?

[codsworth]

Simple question really. If you had the choice, would you do the step mum thing over again?
I'm in the process of ending a relationship, partly over the kids and I swear to god I would NEVER, EVER get with anyone who had children again. I just couldn't do it.

Interested in how others feel?

That's not what you said at the beginning of the thread Bonsior? What changed?

Life changes and moves on! Who knows what is going to happen?

So there's hope yet, that's good to know. Would you say it's their age as well?

I think that teens are teens, yes, whether they are yours or someone else's, and when they get out of the gruesome years (and both my DSSs have) it's an awful lot better - better even than when they were children, because they know their own minds and understand their family so much better.

No, I wouldn't, but I never thought that 2 teens would come to live with us when they are late teens at that. I would have coped better if they had come to live with us at an earlier age, when you can mould them somewhat. Now it's just an endless case of being unhappy, and not liking the DH I used to be madly in love with. That's all gone out of the window now.

Reluctant, that's so terribly sad. I do know what you mean though. I thought my second marriage was different in that, it's a grown up and very open relationship. And it is but the stress his youngest daughter (20) put on us has, from time to time, made me look at him and wish he'd just... "Man-up" and STOP letting her walk all over us.

I NEVER expected us to be "here".

I would as my Dss is lovely BUT not now as having raised 4 kids I dont want to do it ever again.

I do wish someone had told me that it was alright to find DSS annoying, I felt so bloody guilty all the time. Then when I had my own kids I realised all kids are annoying.

I also wish I hadnt tried so hard to parent him, I should have just let him get on with not pushing himself/watch tv all day etc etc

Again if his mum wasnt on the scene to fuck up access it would have been a much easier ride, he is now getting to an age when he can see that.

yep but I wish someone had told me at the start that it was okay to be cross, to say no and generally be firm because it's been a shock for everyone to go from fun lady we used to visit at weekends to homework enforcing, bad behaviour dealer and general ball breaker when needed

I suspect it is much harder to be a rule-enforcing stepmother to stepchildren who don't have a half-sibling. I was always very clear that all the DC were going to be clean, expected to have table manners, do homework to a similar standard. The fact that DD was held to my standards made it much easier to hold the DSSs to them.

I am a child from a first marriage. When dsm came along, it wasn't easy for her or us. I think a lot of the problems wouldn't have existed if our own df had stepped up. We went to stay with our father in the summers. His idea was to leave it to his new wife to parent us while he continued to do rotating shift work. So basically he was never there and awake. Meanwhile a woman just barely 30, who had never had children before, suddenly had two unhappy, confused, homesick children to deal with. She wasn't always kind, and she was in way over her head.

You could say that she went into it with her eyes open, shouldn't have interfered with the first marriage etc. BUT, ultimately, we were my father's responsibility. We were his dc, not hers. He had all the experience of parenting, and should have considered taking time off when we were there, finding activities for us etc.

Reading through some of this I think it is so true that the dear husbands have happily abdicated parental responsibility unfairly to new female partners.

Having lived through it all from a child's point of view, I would never want the role of step mum. I think even a saint would be tested.

That makes sense ds was two when I met dp whereas they were already part way through primary. much better now but in hindsight It should of been that way much earlier

My time again, I'd still get with dh (maybe make it when we first met rather than 4 years later after he'd had dsd). Dh and his exw split when Dsd was only 3m old so she never knew them together, that has made it easier I guess. She's 15 soon and a great girl, I love her to bits, it's not her I regret, it's the exw. Things are fine now but we've had some problems over the years.

Were dh and I to split now, I don't think I'd have much choice but to find someone with kids already, by my age most blokes have had kids. Luckily, most would be older and out of the home. More importantly though is mine are still little(ish) I think I'd want someone who understood how important the kids are to me and knew their place is behind them rather than someone who didn't understand that, iyswim. We wouldn't have dc's together.

The benefit of someone with their own kids and the understanding that would bring outweighs the possible negative of a sdc.

My SS is the laziest f*ck going. He says he wants a job but won't get off his Xbox to look for one. He stays in his room all day, strops when he has to hang out the washing he has put on, slams the door to make a point. DH doesnt kick that much ass, and I just get totally frustrated by SS lack of enthusiasm for anything. He and SD live with us full time, have done since February, and I am gradually retreating from them and DH, So I live in my own home with 3 people I do not like. I have never had kids and ended up with a now 16yo and nearly 18yo, plus a nearly 47yo DH turning 18 himself. I think I am on the downward slope to leaving. I was 40 when I met DH, which was really life begins at 40. Now I am nearly 50, and I am beginning to think life has ended.

If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have kept on walking. For me, step parenting has been hard. I have dsd who has lived here for the past 2 years and to me, it feels like I have a stranger in the house. I feel like its not my home. At all. Would I do it again? No.

If my dp and I were to split, I would actually rather be a single mummy to our ds than do the step parenting thing again! It's more dps ex that's been the nightmare in our situation, but still it's the most thankless job in the world, never again.

No.

And it's brought home to me how difficult it must have been for my step father - and my step mother(s) to have to put up with/parent us too.

If I did, then I would keep two houses - in order to separate space. hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I love my dp and don't regret getting with him or his children. the only thing that I have a problem with is the ex. who makes life difficult unnecessarily. so whilst I wouldn't have a problem being with someone with children, I would definitely want to know how the relationship with the ex was. as it can put so much stress and pressure on us as a couple.

Do you what -step parenting is hard, I had 4dsc , their father and I the divorced, they have had 5 step parents altogether (poor kids) I am the only one still around (16 years later).
I have remained close they are like nieces and nephews to me, and they now have children off their own. I love them and I am glad they are in my life but I would never do it again , this is part of the reason I have decided to remain single. That and all the men I meet really are twats!!