Step Parents - would you do it all over again?

[codsworth]

Simple question really. If you had the choice, would you do the step mum thing over again?
I'm in the process of ending a relationship, partly over the kids and I swear to god I would NEVER, EVER get with anyone who had children again. I just couldn't do it.

Interested in how others feel?

That's if my marriage broke up of course!

No. Full stop.

I love my DH, and I would do it again but only if we could do it differently. So I guess that's a no then really isn't it. I was very young when we got together (16) and I think getting involved with someone at that age who had a child is a bit of a mistake really.

DH's ex is a psycho basically. I'm not exaggerating either. She messed DSD up quite a bit mentally, and this in turn obviously had an effect on us as a couple and a family as we had to deal with the fallout and pick up the pieces.

It's a lot easier now 17 years later. DSD is 19, has a job, a boyfriend and is pretty stable and has turned into a lovely young woman. But there are still times when her mother can effect her badly. We went through hell with his ex, and it's actually a wonder we've stayed together TBH so I guess that shows we do love each other.

If one of my dds comes home in 10-15 years time and says she's dating someone with a child I think I'll probably have a nervous breakdown.

Ah, so that's a partial "no" then!

I'm ludicrously happy with my DH but the periodical emotional beating I take from his youngest daughter makes me just want to run away and hide.

I would never leave DH but I'll be so glad when she leaves home. Should say, I adore his other daughter who is lovely with me and always has been.

I wouldnt ever do this again. Sadly I don't ever see it improving.
DP probably would as my ds was much younger when we got together.

How old are "his" sleepevader ?

I would NEVER do it again. DH's kids are the main cause of friction in our relationship - he can't see why anyone wouldn't love them or want them around 24/7 and this causes huge resentment. I am now pregnant and dreading the future, as he has become really neurotic and obsessive over his kids.

I want to laugh when I think how different it was when we met. I was very naive and young, and didn't think he would expect his kids to be the centre of our universe - why does any parent think this? We get together with our partner because we want a relationship with them, not because we want to be parents to someone else's kids. It's just so sad for everyone. I want to love them but I just find them boring and annoying.

Minimouse.... That's really sad, your situation, I mean.

Thing is, I'd have been unsure of being with someone who didn't have kids because only then can they understand your love for YOUR child. But, there needs to ne balance and respect for others feelings.

You need his support now or he may find himself with another "lost" family.

LaDolche - Yes, it's really sad, because I know how frustrating it is for him, but I just don't love them or even particularly like them (and I've known them for more than five years). He, of course, is extremely defensive and constantly boasting about how great they are, which just irritates me further.

I found that transition from two to four extremely difficult and I still do. I can't imagine ever loving them; I am bored and annoyed by them within about an hour, and his constant, cloying sycophancy towards them (which seems to have gone up about 100 notches recently) makes me really worried for the future. I suspect the baby will come last until it's of an age to suitably entertain him, and I'm pretty sure I will be expected to do 99.99% of the childcare. Argh!

Mini... There are reasons for your dislike of them besides their dad's inability to see that they are not the be all and end all of EVERYONE'S world?? What ages are thet? Do they live with you two full time?

My situation is different. Firstly I'm not pregnant. Secondly, my DH agrees that I treated his 3 the same from day one. They were all welcomed, made comfortable, included. One likes me and I her. One ignores me or can just about bring himself to speak to me on occasion and one I have COME TO see nothing likeable.

You don't have to love them. Nor them you. But they'll be a part of your (and your baby's) life from hereon in.

Counselling perhaps?

Some of these make me sad :(

I would do it again in a heartbeat. We have 2 wonderful DSs and another DC on the way. 1 happens to be my DSS.
If we ever break up, I would do it again. I didn't just get a DP I got a DS. Why won't I do it again ?
Yeah it was hard at some bits, but what I got..was worth all the shit.

I wouldn't do it again, but for different reasons to other posters. Met Exh DD when she was two, was very actively involved in her life for over 5 years as Exh and his exg did 50/50 parenting. We married, then Exh left me just before DS was born for OW. I am over the heartbreak he has caused me but grossly underestimated the pain that it was cause me to lose DSD in my life. I miss her very much and it upsets me to think that Exh gets to see his DD and DS playing together yet I miss out.

I can't be a part of her life now as she's been through enough in her short life and as OW was a close friend of mine it would be too weird. I've gone over this a lot but think its best for her if I bow out. Perhaps one day....

So, I wouldn't want to get involved with a man with kids again as there is always the chance I'd form a close bond with them, and if the relationship fails, its lost.

Definitely not which is sad because DH is fantastic with my kids especially DD and I would not have bought a house with him if I had any doubts about his relationship with my 2.

His kids ... in fairness they were too old by the time we met to integrate our families and after meeting me a few times, probably to report back to their mum what I'm like, will now only meet their dad without me. On the rare occasions when they come to our house for a meal they blatantly ignore me but he's so happy to spend any time with them he won't pull them up about it.

They resent that we live in a big house (bought with the equity from my house because he asked for nothing in the divorce settlement and was renting when we met). I wanted them to see it as their home and we've got extra bedrooms so they don't have to sleep on the floor if ever they stayed but despite being asked they haven't so we're left with a massive mortgage and room for 2 lodgers.

SD1's wedding was horrendous and I will never put myself in that situation again. I've told DH I won't go when his other children marry as it almost broke us up. I didn't break up their parents' marriage but in their eyes I'll always be the other woman.

Agree.... If I invested the interest, respect, kindness and thoughtfulness I (have tried to put into my relationship with my you gets SD) into a relationship with a friend, and got back unfounded resentment, unkindness and lack of thought, I'd abandon that friendship entire,y.

I know it's not the same because it is, at the end of the day, one of his daughters but frankly, I'd just walk away from such a self destructive "friendship". Thankfully, my DH can see what's going on and supports me.

I only keep trying for his sake. Not mine.

I agree what what the majority have said. I love my DP more than anything and you cant help who you fall for but I would never be involved with a man with children again.

I would do it again, if dh and are broke up, but only because I am too bloody minded to let an ex wife and step child get the better of me. It has been so, so hard though. Ex wife has always been a nightare, still is, after 11 years and trying to keep the painted smile in front of ss when he acts oblivious to her behaviour deserved an Oscar.

The worry here is, the majority of posters seem to say no way, never again, too hard, dislike the skids and dh's behaviour/guilt parenting - does that work the same in reverse? Do we expect too much from men who join female single parent families, do we just assume that our dc from previous relationships are going to be easier to love? Are we kidding ourselves that stepfamilies are easy when it's us with the kids, but not another woman's?

So what are we really saying here, iykwim? Is it the men's natural love for their kids thats the issue, or the influence of the ex, or the fact the skids are just not our flesh and blood? If it's the latter, that doesn't bode well for the ever increasing divorce/remarriage/stepfamilies trend.

NO!

some interesting thoughts there perfumed.

It is true to say that there are many factors at play in causing difficulties for stepfamilies. A common one on here is where there is a very difficult relationship with the ex. Another one can be issues with money (with an NRP often financing 2 households effectively). Another one is disney parenting, and simply the lack of a 'normal' life for a significant part of the time.

If I'm completely honest though, I have increasingly come to the conclusion that there is a bigger factor. I've been a sp for 9 years, and I have read 1000's of threads on here about step-parenting. The conclusions I have reached is that, however advanced we think we are as humans, there is an inherent underlying factor in our make-up that makes it extemely difficult to 'accept' someone elses child as one does one's own. Being a parent gives you the exceedingly strong parental bond that cannot be broken. You love your own child unconditionally and give your life for the child. This exceptionally strong bond cannot be matched in any other type of relationhip. So trying, or being expected to, treat someone elses's child as your own is always going to be a lost battle imo, pretty much impossible. And even if you do achieve it, it will probably have been a huge battle with yourself which will have caused a lot of stress along the way. And as we have often seen on this board, that sometimes still ends in having it thrown in your face when the child grows up.

That probably sounds pessimistic, especially with the large number of separated families. But I do think that as human beings, we are not as able to accept all this as people often pretend we can/should

We are civilised now (?) !! BUT, I believe it's in our genetic/pre-historic makeup to nurture our own offspring and to put their "survival" first. I'm not saying this in an adoption sense but from a viewpoint of step families. You see, I have genuine fondness for my eldest SD and she for me, I think. It comes about from a mutual respect and kindness and I would do all in my power to see her happy and safe. My youngest SD, I have no bond with whatsoever as she has been consistently difficult and BECAUSE she is not mine, as it were, I don't have those feelings of unconditional love I'd have for my own son. If my son behaved as she does, I'd not like that about him BUT I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HIM come what may.

As for men being expected to accept our kids as theirs, that's a very big ask. All I can say is my ten yr old son and my DH have a close relationship, now. My son tells DH he loves him and misses him when he goes to his daddy's alternate weekends..... DH tells my his stepson he loves him. I believe he does. It's taken years to get there, a natural progression.

I give up with my youngest SD. Enough.

I completely agree with that. It's a hard 'truth' isn't it? I think it's something to do with being thrown together sort of , unlike the choice of adoption.

I met my ss when he was four, before i became a mother myself. I remember taking care of him at our caravan during the week while dh worked and he lost his favourite soft toy. We searched for many hours, all over the park. When it finally was found, the joy and relief on his face was so infectious and I felt we had a sort of secret bond, like we'd been through the wars together in something that didn't involve his dad, or the ex, his mum. I think we don't generally get to have enough of those bonding experiences, maybe because our dh's are trying to be with them, have quality time one to one to make up for lost time?

Yes, I agree. There has to be a willingness to "bond" on both sides and that's tough. From the "child's" viewpoint it must be really hard but, if the fight or resistance goes on for years, even an adult will see that actually, it's not what this particular "kid" wants. My youngest SD I'd nearly 18. A young adult. There has always been dissatisfaction on her part. Yes, she's young, yes she may change but a large part of it, I believe, is her mum. There is no room in SD's world for dad's second wife.

She is currently boycotting visits to her dad. It is a protest that's happened before and I've always sent out the olive branch..... Not this time.