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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Parents - would you do it all over again?

144 replies

codsworth · 14/01/2011 12:48

Simple question really. If you had the choice, would you do the step mum thing over again?
I'm in the process of ending a relationship, partly over the kids and I swear to god I would NEVER, EVER get with anyone who had children again. I just couldn't do it.

Interested in how others feel?

OP posts:
hellswelshy · 17/01/2011 10:03

Would do it again, but only if it was someone like my husband as only he has made it worthwhile. I have had many moments of thinking god is this worth it, but he most certainly is. The problem hasnt been my stepdaughter but her mother...so maybe i just got unlucky with that...its definitely been character building thats for sure:)

BigChiefOrganiser · 26/01/2011 00:30

No I wouldn't. As for the rest of our lives I'm tied to this other family and always have to consider their needs and wants when making decisions for ours. His xW is not the type of person I'd be friends with, but she will always be there in the background. I'm fairly sure I'd just stay single with my 2 wee boys if anything happened to DH, or us as a couple.

NotActuallyAMum · 27/01/2011 10:09

Same as most others for me - wouldn't swap DH for the world but NO WAY would I consider EVER doing it again should it go wrong between us. I'd honestly rather spend my life on my own!

I'm not in the least bit surprised that the majority of us feel that way either

RLCMOM2 · 29/01/2011 21:23

Have to agree with the majority i would definately not get involved with someone who has children i think it adds so much strain and stress onto a relationship and its ashame but i just wouldn't put myself through it again...

prettyfly1 · 30/01/2011 11:51

I think I second those who say I would never change my relationship with dp HOWEVER were something to go wrong and we ended I wouldnt go near someone with kids again for all the world. Just too hard imo, I had no idea what was coming and this time I would.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 00:22

No, I wouldnt do it again.

Much as I love my husband, and never regret meeting him. I would say gaining 3 stepchildren aged 13,16 and 18 was very difficult. Had they been younger it may have been easier, and had they been independent adults it wouldnt have been a problem, but I also wasnt prepared for the fact that the moment me and my husband got a flat together, his ex wife decided it was a great time to move and she effectively kicked her kids out, and told my husband "its your turn now".

goodlooksandcooks · 31/01/2011 17:00

NEVER.

And I would advise my dd to steer clear. It's such an emotional rollercoaster that only those who have experienced it can understand.
I wouldn't leave my OH as he's my world. He and my dd are everything to me. But living with the fact that he has other priorities as well is so much harder than I ever imagined. He and my dd are my top priority, yet it feels like we are not his. He gets us with no baggage, but we constantly have to fit around his. Its easy to say that I knew what I was getting into, but I totally underestimated the challenge, as do so many of us, when we're in the deepest love we've ever felt.
God forbid but if anything happened between us, I'd never put myself through this again. A good friend of mine used to tell me I was being silly, until she met a man with a child. Now she totally understands.

Petal02 · 31/01/2011 18:14

"he gets us with no baggage, but we constantly have to fit round his"

I can totally relate to that.

pleasechange · 31/01/2011 20:49

On that note, I remember DH saying he found it a bit off that I was still in contact with my ex (and I mean the odd email, we still get on fine). I was genuinely Shock - I get my fill of his ex and all related problems on a weekly basis and he genuinely didn't get the irony

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 12:49

Thanks petal, it's really nice to know there are others out there who can relate to me!
Allnew - ironic I know! But it seems that having a child from previous means you can behave in any way you see fit with no consideration for others while still expecting 100% co-operation and dedication from your OH and new children.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 01/02/2011 14:26

yes goodlooks thats the one !

My daughter, her DP and my grandson got their house repossessed a few years back and were in a B&B while they awaited social housing. I wanted them to stay with us but my DD refused point blank to impose and said in any event it would be detrimental to their chances of getting social housing. So I insisted that at least they all come to our house for their tea etc etc and only go back their to sleep rather than sitting in one room in a B&B every evening. My DGS was at school during the day and they both worked.

My DH worked away Mon-Fri at the time and in a phone call his response to above was - 'well I dont really want them there every night to be honest' Shock.

The voices nearly made me say 'well I dont particularly want to look at your 24/7 resident son( grown up - I hasten to add - was 21 at the time ) every day of my life but hey ho !'

My DH cannot to this day see any irony or unevenhandedness in that and his son has lived with us 24/7 from the beginning of our relationship 6 years ago and is now 23 and nothing on the horizon for his departure as yet even now.

Yet I was supposed to leave my own flesh and blood and my young grandson in a crumby B&B one room every evening for 6 weeks - as it turned out - because - wait for it - big punchline coming -

He didnt think it was fair on his son to have them round every evening taking over the house - as it was his home too

Needless to say I invited them round every evening - they didnt come every night as it turned out and my DD insisted on buying me teabags and biscuits and paying me for their food etc- despite my protests - so my DH didnt have that argument about the cost of 'hosting' them.

Still makes me Angry to this day.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 01/02/2011 14:30

go back there to sleep - even. Sorry Pedants.

Oh and meant to add I 'allegedly' (just doesnt feel like it sometimes!) an equal joint owner of this house.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 01/02/2011 14:36

Sorry - in response to OP - no I bloody well wouldnt but as many have said you dont know how - or for how long in my case - its gonna pan out for and once youre in love its too late. Then its a case of staying is a sacrifice (if things are bad obviously) - going is a sacrifice. Rock and hard place springs to mind.

macmama · 01/02/2011 14:37

No regrets here.

But maybe I have been lucky.

Would I do it again? Umm its hard as I hope to be with my DH for most of my life (if not all).

But if (god forbid) something happened to him then yes I would consider seeing somebody else with kids. Its the best way to tell what sort of person they are IMO to see how they treat their children.

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 14:43

hmmmm not sure about that macmama....

Seeing the way my OH treated his dd like a princess convinced me that he was the right person to have a child with. As it pans out he doesn't set aside anywhere near as much time or energy for our dd as he does for his.

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 14:47

Oh and suda - half your house? That means nothing when it comes to his little darling! Yet you must still cook for them, clean up after them, accommodate their every whim and need and how dare you wish to have a say in what happens and when in your own home.
You exist only to facilitate his relationship with his prev skids. You have no needs of your own.
You selfish woman.

macmama · 01/02/2011 14:50

That?s bad luck goodcooks !

Seems to be more about your DH though...?

Mine has never priortised his first set of kids over his second (he has 2 with me, 2 with ex). But in our case there is a large age gap and we were together a good 5 years before we had kids together... not sure if that helps?

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 14:59

Yeah you're right macmama, it's his fault not his dds. Good on your DH for his fairness.

BeehiveBaby · 01/02/2011 15:01

Never in a million years.

macmama · 01/02/2011 15:03

Sorry I wasn?t trying to be smug or insulting.

I suspect fact that we have large gap and different genders make it easier for my DH. His two sets of kids are at wholly different stages in life which makes it easier.

My DH does have some blind spots about various children but I am not sure that?s to do with the ?step? situation I think he always would have them think I will probably have them about my DDs too.

BeehiveBaby · 01/02/2011 15:03

And I would advise my dd to steer clear.

...and this too!

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 01/02/2011 15:06

Smile GOODLOOKS

Yes I know I should look at myself really.

I mean the poor little mite not being able to sprawl his full six foot plus length out on the settee to watch his favourite programme. And all because its joint owners homeless daughter and grandchild are grabbing a few hours warmth and a cuppa on it. You're right I shall go and self flagellate imediately. Grin

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 15:09

No problem macmama, I didn't think you were. I'm sure that the age gap you have does help matters, and I expect I'll have those blindspots about my children too. Its natural! But my DH ought not to practise favouritism. Kids notice!

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 15:14

:) :) suda

macmama · 01/02/2011 15:22

?But my DH ought not to practise favouritism. Kids notice!?

Agreed. But my DH tends to treat his kids very differently (even treats his own DS?s differently). But its not favouritism in his case more about his parenting style (he changes approach depending on kid?s personality ? not sure I always agree but it doesn?t make him a bad parent either)

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