There's another aspect at play here ... well, in my opinion anyway ... so far as step family relationships are concerned, and that is that as a stepMOTHER, I believe that women face a disproportionate pressure to make a success out of the whole shebang whereas "society's" expectations of a stepFATHER aren't quite so demanding. Quite obviously, whatever the gender, anyone in a step situation would hope that any step parent, whatever their gender, would be kind and fair towards the children, but in my own experience (and this is reflected in the experience of other women in my position) because you're a woman, and therefore considered to be the more nurturing sex by many, you're in for a great deal more criticism if you don't instantly fall in love with your stepkids and fail to regularly express great joy at the prospect of seeing them.
As a single mother myself when I met DP all I ever hoped for was that he'd be kind to my son ... I certainly didn't expect him to immediately love and/or bond with my son, and I think I was objective enough to realise that whilst I loved my child unconditionally, that didn't mean other people would feel the same (have always felt this, in regard to all sorts of people - friends, family). I therefore took no offence at the fact that although my (now grown) son and DP have an okay relationship, it's not a close one. Have always fallen back on the fact that my son has a dad, who, for better or worse, has always been a constant, and that therefore he didn't need someone else to duplicate that role. That's not to say that if a close friendship had developed between them, I wouldn't have been delighted - because indisputably, the more people you're close to the better .... but it hasn't gone that way, and that's that.
However ... so far as my own relationship with DP's kids is concerned, I've often felt judged - by both him and his family - because I don't demonstrate gushy feelings for them. I'd emphasise that I have always been kind and fair, but, for a variety of reasons, over many years now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't love them and may never do so. Fact is, kids are individuals, just as adults are, and while you make certain age related allowances for children, they are growing up all the time, taking on more and more responsibility for their own actions, and there came a point when I thought, if I'm honest, I don't really like them all that much ... that some things just can't be put down to them being kids, and are more to do with their basic personalities. I just don't click with them ... they've been brought up very differently to the way my own kids have been brought up, and DP has been "allowed" very little input in this (compounded by his fear to speak up about things he disagrees with in case he "upsets" them and they never darken the doorstep again) so undfortunately, I don't see very much of him in them, which might have helped me feel closer to them. We've also had prolonged (years) periods of disrupted (at best) and totally obstructed (at worst) contact, so that's another contributing factor to me not feeling close. Anyway, all of that notwithstanding, the point is that I have sometimes been criticised for not reacting with enthusiasm re: the skids ... DP's attitude being "they're just kids", and "what's not to love". I'm quite capable of understanding that other people don't feel the same way as I do about my own children, so why isn't he capable of accepting the same ? ... particularly when his children come with years of complicated history which have made it difficult to a) get to know them properly and b) have pushed my patience and stress levels to the limit. As I said, I would never dream of being unkind or unfair to them but it often seems that basic kindness and courtesy (often not really deserved TBH, so I make a huge effort, for his sake) apparently isn't "enough". I don't remember DP making huge efforts on behalf of my son, nor has he ever enthused about him so I feel DP's attitude can sometimes be very hypocritical and am convinced that this is partly due to me being a stepMOTHER .... after all, as a woman, I am "supposed" to be nurturing, it's "supposed" to be "natural" - especially as I am a mother in my own right - to love kids ! It's hard to articulate all this right now with limited time to type but it's little remarks over the years from both DP - and his mum - that make me feel I'm not quite doing "my bit" when it comes to the skids, and that in their opinion it's not quite "natural" for me to feel the way I do ...... despite the fact that no such similar pressure/comments were ever directed towards DP over my son. Similarly - whilst on the subject of gender roles, DP never really helped practically with my son - I did it all, which I was happy to do ... however, it's often been kind of expected that I'll absorb all the extra work created by two more children, and when I've put my foot down and made it very clear that DP would have to take on the majority of the responsibility for caring for HIS kids, there's been a fair bit of sulking and stropping about. Well tough - what would he do if I wasn't around .... but again, this illustrates that women are often expected to take on the extra work without complaint, whereas I don't think most women would expect their partners to suddenly start cooking, cleaning, babysitting, ferrying about for children which weren't theirs. Am NOT saying there should be a clear division of labour between YOUR child and MINE by the way as clearly that would be impractical in most families but ideally it should be give and take, and the adults pulling together to make things work .... not one adult having a jolly old time at contact weekends while the other adult clears up the extra mess all on their own. However, I bet I'm right in saying that more women end up doing more for their step children than men do for their stepchildren.