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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Parents - would you do it all over again?

144 replies

codsworth · 14/01/2011 12:48

Simple question really. If you had the choice, would you do the step mum thing over again?
I'm in the process of ending a relationship, partly over the kids and I swear to god I would NEVER, EVER get with anyone who had children again. I just couldn't do it.

Interested in how others feel?

OP posts:
goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 16:17

Deep down I don't think my DH is a bad parent to our daughter. It annoys me when he can bend over backwards for his dd but not venture out of his own way for ours. I think maybe he feels guilty about his first dd? So he over-compensates. Wheras because he lives with our dd he doesn't have that motivation and as a result she loses out. I suppose that's not really favouritism.

macmama · 01/02/2011 16:25

I think you are right it sounds like guilt. In his own way he is probably trying to be ?fair? (evening the stakes a bit between his DDs) but sounds like he is just getting it wrong.

Maybe you can approach it in that way for him. Tell him you know he is a good Dad and understand that he worries about DD1 but explain how some of his actions make DD2 feel?

He might be surprised!

Petal02 · 01/02/2011 16:49

I think guilt-parenting, and the resulting 'over compensation' is a real minefield. Unless you've witnessed it, you don't really understand it - but when you're faced with it, some of the double-standards, tunnel vision and selective blindess are quite staggering. Redhen and Suda are two of our resident experts on the subject.

macmama · 01/02/2011 16:54

Yes but guilt parenting is not just a ?step? thing.

In my case one of my DH?s biggest blind spots is caused by guilt but for different reasons (too complicated to go into). I actually don?t mind though as I really do love the stepchild in question (now a young man) and think that there are worse things in life than having a blind spot about your kids. It does mean however that everything about that child that anybody else says is taken very defensively and as a criticism!

goodlooksandcooks · 01/02/2011 19:18

That's why its so hard to discuss issues about skids with the DH! It's obviously guilt-parenting, but any attempt to discuss it is taken defensively as macmama says. Minefield is a good word to use to describe it petal.
So back to the OP. No, I wouldn't do it again heh heh. x

macmama · 01/02/2011 20:45

it is true though that when it comes to your own kids whatever you say is said from within a context of unconditional love.

Whereas as a stepparent its not quite the same, even if you have grown to love them its still different.

I guess when you let stepkid into your life nad they into yours you see them laid bare (as they are in their own home) and they should be allowed to "be" without being judged just like your own DCs are.. and I think thats what makes people extra sensitive to their partners criticising their kids or their parenting of them..

hope I am making sense¬

NotActuallyAMum · 02/02/2011 12:25

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher ?as many have said you dont know how - or for how long in my case - its gonna pan out for and once youre in love its too late. Then its a case of staying is a sacrifice (if things are bad obviously) - going is a sacrifice. Rock and hard place springs to mind?

Petal02 "when you're faced with it, some of the double-standards, tunnel vision and selective blindess are quite staggering"

Two of the most absolutely spot-on things I have ever read anywhere on the subject - well done ladies!

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 02/02/2011 16:37

Suda grabs Petals hand drags her on stage and takes a bow. Grin

Thank you - just wish they were just words of cleverness not experience Sad

feduptrying · 23/03/2011 22:23

I love my dh, but there is no way id do it again.
If i could go back in time ....Id have dh , but he wouldnt move in.
Selfish ? probably ...but after years of shit off his daughter i think i can be excused.

fairystepmother · 25/03/2011 07:12

Yes I would - but my SS9 is lovely so I've never had it difficult with him so I would have no problems being a SM again.

However.... when my SS's bio mum was alive we had many difficulties around access as she would use SS9 as a tool to control my DH. If I was ever going to get involved with a man with kids I would have to know that I got on well with the bio-mum as it was too difficult dealing with someone who used their son as a weapon to hurt her ex rather than put her child's welfare first.

MK76 · 17/06/2011 17:42

No, never in a million years would i do this again. It is too hard and too panful and i hate feeling the way i do, all the time. I love my DH but even now, i am giving it a go but i dont see us lasting. Sad but true.

eslteacher · 17/06/2011 20:11

Steepedinalcohol (love your name) - I'm heartened to read a positive reply...I'm just getting into this step-parenting thing, the reality of it is only just starting to hit me but at the same time I can't contemplate leaving at this stage just for the sake of how bad things "might" get for me in the future...

Maybe my situation is slightly easier than some because a) I only have one DSS aged 6 b) he has known me as his dad's girlfriend since he was 4, ie really young c) we all get along OK and d) both DP and myself have a good relationship with his ex and her DP.

I'm really hoping that the above factors will make my step-parenting journey a little easier than some of the others I've read about, though I'm by no means expecting an easy ride. I do think it must be exponentially more difficult with a) more than one DSC b) a challenging relationship with the bio-mother and c) DSCs who only get to know you when they are older (e.g. 8+)??

::sigh:: I don't know...I just don't want to believe that someone who has children, then separates from the birth parent (ie a pretty significant chunk of the population) is doomed never to find another good relationship because the step-parenting thing is going to intrinsically muck everything up. That can't be right, surely?

Lorenz · 18/06/2011 11:22

I would rather dig my own eyes out with a spoon and fill the holes with chili powder.

The experience turned me into something I never thought I could be. I never thought I could HATE a child so much and looking back it wasn't really the kid I hated, it was what her presence did to the rest of the family. Even if I see her now or I see a picture of her I can't describe the venom I feel. Cocky, manipulative, bitchy, selfish, lazy, greedy person brought up to believe she is the queen of fucking everything. This isn't a young child I'm talking about by the way. A horribly over-indulged teenager. I obviously have serious issues and am not expecting support on this one! Grin

olibeansmummy · 18/06/2011 20:37

As most people have said, I don't regret being with dh, but if I found myself in the position of starting a new relationship ( and touch wood I won't) I wouldn't get with someone who had children.

TheFeministsWife · 19/06/2011 19:03

I love both my DH and my DSD to bits, but hindsight no I absolutely would not go with someone who had a child. I was 16 when I got together with DH and DSD was 2.5 at the time. I was far, far too young to take on that kind of responsibility, and I do think my adult life would have taken a different turn if I hadn't gotten with DH. (Would have gone to uni, tried my hand at being a journalist, would definitely have earned more that minimum wage). Instead I had a handful of shitty jobs after leaving school and then eventually became a SAHM to a 9 year old DSD at the age of 22. I haven't worked since. I in way resent or blame DH or DSD for this as it was my choice. But I think it was a choice made by a child with life experience that has set me on a different life path to the one I could have had.

TheFeministsWife · 19/06/2011 19:05

that was in no way blame DH or DSD

TheFeministsWife · 19/06/2011 19:05

God! no life experience

Libby10 · 20/06/2011 14:12

No I wouldn't. I love my DP to bits but feel we essentially lead two lives - one with just us and one with us and the kids. I don't think our situation is that bad. I get on OK with the skids and we have got to a position with his ex where she doesn't cause us problems on a daily/weekly basis. But it is hard and the fact that the ex still has a presence in the lives of and influence over the kids makes the relationship difficult with them at times. It is all very well detaching but that creates a barrier over time and I never feel completely relaxed with the kids even though over the past 5 years they spend half their time with us. So no, I would not want to go through it again.

Sophye · 24/06/2011 15:32

I definitely wouldn't recommend it to anyone but you can't help who you fall in love with... In fairness it's not the kids that are the problem but the cow of an ex and the other family members / people who judge you etc. Thank god for Wine, it's certainly got us through several desperate situations! I recently had some counselling because things had got so difficult and they said that the 'step' relationship was the single hardest relationship there is. I wouldn't leave my partner because I love him and his children but boy would I think twice if I'd had a crystal ball at the start.

LaDolcheRyvita · 21/08/2011 23:39

Interesting....I've name changed since I contributed to this post, last.

The thing that hacks me off is that you think you have an ok relationship with your dh's kids but the bottom line is, they resent my existence and I am not really wanted.

I love my dh and he and I together are ludicrously happy but, the issues surrounding his (now pretty much grown up) kids make me feel just sad. I am persona non grata and I know that, god forbid, if anything happened to dh, I would never ever lay eyes on two of the three again. It's awful feeling tolerated, barely, all the time.

I had utterly no idea it would be like this and was naive enough to think we might all be a (happy) extended family. After being together 6 yrs, I know this will NEVER happen.

stabiliser15 · 22/08/2011 08:39

I'm the same as many. I love my DH and wouldnt trade our DD for anything, but was somewhat naive about how hard it would be to be a stepmum. Would I do it again? I couldnt not have my DD, so I suppose I'd have to say yes, but like many others, would warn friends and family off getting involved with anyone with children.

pranma · 24/08/2011 19:28

I definitely would do it all again.My dh is wonderful and has enhanced mine and my dc lives as his ds's have ours.I have an awful/no relationship with sd despite years of trying but sadly that is her loss.We put together 5 teenagers 23 years ago and only 4 and a half years ago did things go wrong with dsd.We now have 9 joint dgc.
ExW does now have a relationship with her dd so sd has some support.
ExW left dc when she ended the marriage,she remarried and has a dd.I was a widow.

voddiekeepsmesane · 24/08/2011 20:29

If you asked me this question 6 months ago I would have said no regrets at all but now....

Bit of background been with DP since DSS was 7, ten years now. It's all had it's ups and downs but overall has gone well. DP and I have a 7yo DS as well. DS and DSS get along well and always have.

BUT in the last 6 months DSS has stolen from me numerous times and I am getting bloody sick of it to say the least. Came to a head this week when DSS has stolen off my computer desk a £50 scratch ticket while I was out, but ofcourse denies it, It can only be him as only the 4 of us have been in the house since I got it.

It is starting to drive a wedge between DP and me as even though DP is angry he is trying to work through it with DSS ( as he would as his parent) but I have no trust in DSS anymore and do not want him in the house unless I am present (DP is blind).

Sorry this has become more of a vent than answering the question :(

dorothymarguerite · 25/09/2011 01:08

No, I wouldn't do it again.
And honestly, if I thought I could get out of it now easily with no negative consequences for the future, I wouldn't continue...

It's hard work almost all the time.

Being married, parenting and step-parenting are the hardest things I've ever done.
One has to dig deep.

olibeansmummy · 25/09/2011 15:18

As most others have said, I wouldn't change what I have, but would never become involved with someone with previous children again.

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