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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

GGGGrrrrrrrr! Feel like the wicked step-mum again!!!!!

93 replies

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 08:24

We had the step-kids last night and I realised just how much dsd would love to see me and dp split up.

During this week I had been sorting out wardrobes etc, and I had thrown out loads of old clothes that we don't wear anymore. Dsd saw all of the dustbin bags full of old clothes and asked what was going on. Dp has a weird sense of humour and he told her that I had packed up all of his clothes and I was throwing him out!!

Dsd could hardly contain her excitement at the prospect and was so pleased I thought she was going to burst!!!!

I am so hurt, I have tried so hard with her. I must admit I have found it very hard to develop a relationship with her so I have worked extra hard with her and I thought that we were good friends at least now.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gigglinggoblin · 15/09/2005 09:11

must be so hard. my kids get on brilliantly with their step dad and love him to bits but i know the oldest one would love to see me get back with his dad, even though he was probably too young when we split to remember us being together. i doubt its cos she dislikes you, is probably more cos she hopes her mum and dad will get back together. am sure she still thinks of you as a friend. maybe it gets easier as they grow up and understand more about why people split up (at least i hope so)

NotActuallyAMum · 15/09/2005 09:14

Oh dear squirrel

Did your DP see her reaction? If so what did he say? And how did dsd react when she realised it was a joke?

Can you just remind me, is this the youngest of your skids?

Sorry for all the questions

Frizbe · 15/09/2005 09:14

Oh hon, its really hard sometimes, ss still asks on the odd occasion when feeling low, if his mum and dad will get back together, even tho he never knew them together, as they split when he was 1.....mum is getting re married next year, and we're married with dd and another on the way...so he knows it'll never happen, but its really hard on them at times, all that treking backwards and forwards....

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 09:19

Thank you gigglingoblin (great name BTW) Dsd's mum has a partner herself and a new baby, I don't know maybe she does want mum and dad to et back together. I think its more to do with the fact her mum always bitches about me and accuses me of sleeping with dp before they split up.

The fact that she left him for a much younger man and I didn't even meet dp until they had been split up for 2 years appears to have been forgotten.

Its sad really because at the end of the day its the children that suffer when things get that bitter and twisted.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 09:25

NAAM yes it is the younger set of step-kids she is 10 and to her dad is her hero, the most wonderful person on the planet.

Dp did see her reaction and just laughed and said not really, by which time I had walked out of the room because I didn't want her to see how upset I was so I didn't see that reaction.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 09:30

Frizbe, I know its hard on them, I have a step-mum myself but she is cold and uncaring (I must admit I call her Cruella) I don't se her or my dad at all now as they live to far away and they're not interested anyway.

I really didn't want to be sen as Cruella so I have tried so hard to be a good step-mum, I thought she felt at home here and was comforable with the situation.

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NotActuallyAMum · 15/09/2005 09:44

So he basically just laughed it off and I assume you didn't speak about it afterwards

I can fully understand why this upset you, I would have been devastated too. I think you were right to leave the room and not let her see how upset you were

I really think that, one day, dsd will realise how hard you tried with her and what a hard time you gave you. In the meantime though I know it's hard chuck especially, as you say, with a nightmare BM behind her. Why do people tell lies to their children knowing that it's going to cause problems for everyone - including the children, I'm very angry for you GRRRRRRR!!

Try to keep smiling. I know it's hard to smile when you're feeling down but it'll make you feel better. Think about things that make you happy

Caligula · 15/09/2005 09:46

Squirrel, don't worry about it. Nearly all kids wants their parents to get back together. My DD was very excited recently by the idea of Daddy coming to visit us (a suggestion of DS) and immediately wanted to know if he was going to live with us. She has not seen him since she was 5 months old and doesn't even know who he is.

Don't take it personally (although it is of course difficult not to) - this is not a reflection on you as a step-mother, it's just that children want their parents to be together, however much they rate the other people in their parents' lives (or in my case, however much they don't even know their parents!)

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 09:52

Thanks caligula, I guess you are right,but I supose it would have been nice for her to have been the teenyest, tinyest bit concerned that she might not get to see me anymore.

Blimey, that sounds so selfish, I just thought that we had come to the stage where she valued me as a step-mum/friend.

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NotActuallyAMum · 15/09/2005 09:59

Squirrel, your thoughts are not selfish at all

I'm sure she does value you but, as Caligula said, this is not a reflection on you but a demonstration of how the vast majority of step children would react at the thought that one of the obstacles in the way of their parents reconciliation has been taken away

I bet she's forgotten about it already, but I can understand why it's getting you

Caligula · 15/09/2005 10:00

She probably does, but she's still a child, and it looks to me like they are programmed to want their parents to be together, even when they hated it when they were, or even when they've never known it when they were (as in my DD's case).

I guess she must still be struggling with that loyalty thing as well - chances are she feels guilty at the thought of being happy about you splitting up, as well as wanting it. As she gets older, she will come terms with the fact that it's never going to happen, and that's when you'll reap the rewards of having been a good and understanding stepmother - the fact that you haven't let her see how much she's upset you shows you're putting her needs first, not yours. That investment will pay off - but it's a long haul, and I know that's not much comfort right now.

tarantula · 15/09/2005 10:12

Oh the joys of stepparenting eh. Know the feeling so well. Everytime (well it feels like everytime)I do something like bake or make jam I get a comment like 'Its ok but not as nice as das/mums/nanas etc etc'. I know he doesnt mean it badly but it does get so wearing after a while doesnt it?

Id say that this constitutes an excuse to have some chocolate or whatever to cheer yourself up.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 13:27

MMmmmmmmmmmmmm........... Chocolate.............

Care for one?

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tarantula · 15/09/2005 13:28

mmmmmmm looks good to me. Ive got some pecan maple danish here if youd like me to send you one down the wire along with a nice cuppa

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 13:35

Can't wait until the day the step-kids really accept me as part of their family, to introduced to their friends as their step-mum not just dad's girlfriend but I supose that time may come one day, its just a struggle in the mean-time.

BTW I am very with dp for saying something so stupid in the first place, he even told them I was pregnant once for a laugh!!!!! I had to very quickly tell them that it wasn't true, and their mum went balistic too!!!!!!

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 13:37

Yes please Tarantula.

White, with one sugar please (need my sugar 'cos I'm not sweet enough)lol

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NotActuallyAMum · 15/09/2005 13:40

Squirrel I have to say when I first read your message I thought he shouldn't have said it too - men just don't bloody think do they??

Don't know what dsd calls me (probably don't want to.....) I've never really thought about it but I suspect she would say "dad's girlfriend" too but I personally haven't got a problem with it as I actually hate the word "stepmum" cos it always makes me think of the horrible character in Cinderella (silly I know but it always has done even before I met DP)

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 15/09/2005 17:27

FFS why is there always something to put a dampner on things.

DP has just had an irrate phone call from dsd's mum, apparently dsd is upset because she is frightened of me!!!!!

I have gone over all of the events of last night in my head and the only thing that happened is the previously mentioned dp saying I was throwing him out.

How can she possibly be frightened of me?

I don't understand....

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 16/09/2005 08:09

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FruitAndNutcase · 16/09/2005 08:35

Squirrel I think it is up to your DP to correct DSD and from what you say I dont think he is doing that which means that these opinions and thoughts she has arent being quashed! Does that make sense? I think she is having typical SD thoughts, behaviour and as DP isnt correcting her or leading her to believe that what she is thinking is incorrect, she convinces herself that they are true. It sounds like your DP is letting you down! Soz if that sounds a bit harsh x

tarantula · 16/09/2005 08:44

Think your dp needs to nip this one in the bud quite firmly squirrel. Sounds to me like his silly remarks to sd have got her thinking and also confused which is leading to her saying these things. Also she knows she will get bms AND daddys attention by saying things like this.

Rise above it, keep those underpants to the fore and come over here and have a cheese and bacon scone and a nice cuppa

NotActuallyAMum · 16/09/2005 08:52

{{{{{{Hugs to squirrel}}}}}}

I agree with FANC squirrel, this one is for your DP to sort out. Can't help thinking that this is BM causing trouble though - do you really think dsd has said this or has she just made a passing comment about something and BM has jumped on it and twisted it? Either way, DP needs to speak to her and find out what the problem is

I very much doubt if she really is frightened of you. There's no reason, of course, for her to be but if she was it would have come out before now

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 16/09/2005 08:53

The thing is, this has really upset me. I am so sick of trying and trying, slogging my guts out to make sure that they feel welcome and happy in my home and then she says this!!!

Dp says its because our lifestyle is different the one they have at home. For example at home they have laminate flooring throughout so it doesn't matter if they tread mud all over the house, here I make them take off muddy shoes before they go into the lounge (what a wicked step-mum I am), So what if the rules are different here than at home for them, there are going to be rules wherever they go! Also he said that I treat them differently to the way their mum treats them. Well of course I do!!!!! I am not her!

Maybe they would all be happy if I 'morphed' into her!!!! No thanks!!!!!

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 16/09/2005 08:59

I know its probably wrong but I have told dp that he has to have the kids at his mum's this weekend, his mum is soooooo much more fightening than me!!!!! and strict!!!!!!!

It wil keep BM happy and maybe he will get chance to talk to her and dsd will see that I'm not quite the dragon that she thinks I am.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 16/09/2005 09:01

Right tarantula, where's me cheese and bacon scone?

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