Need to know AIBU or not?

[harassedinherpants]

Quick history - I've been with dh for nearly 6 years, married for 18 mths and we have a dd aged 4. He has a dsd 11 who lives with her mum (they split when she was 2) and I have 2 x ds's who have both left home.

Dsd has never particularly liked me it would seem, and has always been distant and rude unless she wants something. Her mum has never worked until recently, and this is causing lots of probs now. Although I'm glad she's working!

Dsd always came every weekend on a Friday night and went back Sat evening. Recently, since her mum started working weekends and needing childcare, she's been coming all weekend but every other weekend. All fine!

Now her mum has changed her work pattern and works every 3rd weekend, plus still wants us to have her every other weekend. So we're getting her two full weekends on the trot and then one off. Not fine at all!!

All this has been agreed without any consultation with me. I am in effect her unpaid childcare (I pay a child minder!. It wouldn't be so bad if dsd actually participated in family life, but she doesn't in any way, shape or form. From the moment she comes she's sullen and rude. She's has her earphones in and is on her I-pod touch or laptop. She totally ignores dd (4) who is actually pleased to see her sister! This results in dd acting up as she doesn't understand what's going on.

I am pretty resentful of her behaviour but work hard not to let it show, and to include her in everything we do. I went and picked her up this weekend as dh was working, and despite arranging a time, I was stood on the doorstep with dd for over 15 mins. I then didn't even get a hello, and got one word replies to my questions. I gave up!

We went out to dinner yesterday and she was vacant and didn't say a word. Dh actually got very cross with her as she was incredibly rude to him.

When she went home, I went upstairs and her bed was unmade, glass left up there and blind still down at 6pm. Wasn't impressed!

Dh and I actually had a pretty frank talk about her rudeness on Saturday and he says he's going to talk to her. I also pointed out that in 5 years I've never had a birthday card from her, and I think it's his job to ensure this happens! I go out of my way to make sure she has a card for him, and my boys wouldn't dream of forgetting his birthday.

I sound a right miserable mare, but I'm feeling pretty put upon at the moment and quite unhappy. I work hard all week in a job I don't like because the hours work with dd and it's well paid, and now my weekends feel miserable too . We're ttc'ing and I'm sat here wondering if this is the right thing to do.

Posie, I'm sure if you were a step-parent yourself, then you would identify with the attitudes expressed here. Even ladies who are already Mums, find it very hard to cope with someone else's children.

It's all very well saying the OP should have considered this before getting involved with her partner, however we ALL considered it, and the majority of us had not idea how hard it would be, even though we try hard to be fair and reasonable.

If you ever have to spend every other weekend, or worse, with a someone else's child (especially if that child is spoiled, pampered, over-indulged and deprives you of your place in the household pecking order) then I think you'll come to understand what we're talking about on this thread.

Don't judge us til you've walked in our shoes.

Well be appalled POSIE - mine definitely taints my life - hairs on the back of my neck stand up when he walks in the door.

Yes its funny how the other mans grass seems greener aswell - I always honestly thought that I would have none of these issues had I met my DH when dss younger but then I never had all these access arguments ex wife issues etc.

I knew myself well enough to never want to be a step parent, I am way too selfish and want my dcs to be the most important people in mine and my partners lives. I am a SAHM and so do know what it's life to have ones life governed by children, I have four 8 and under.

I think the OPs beef has to be with her DH though, he's the one that can make or break this. But I do appreciate that we all need a space that is safe to vent and will remember that before I tread all over another board.

One parent family.....check
Step parenting........check

Perhaps I'll have a go a Tsarinas hide away and horsey stuff before the night's through!!

No hard feelings then Posie. I wouldn't mind if my life were goverened by MY children (not that I have any) but my life is goverend by someone else's barely-alive 16 yr old and his disinterested mother.

Take this evening - I get home from work, DSD has arrived for the weekend, and already the 'lounge take-over' has begun. No one is physically preventing me from entering the lounge, but I honestly don't want to watch cartoons with an unwashed adolescent. And this is how life will remain til Sunday evening. Every other weekend. It's crap. I think the world of my husband, but his god damn son really takes the shine off my life.

Sorry, typing error, I have a stepson, not a step daughter.

Yeah Petal - mine stretches out his full 6footplus on the 8ft settee and sometimes even goes and gets his quilt and pillow - usually not changed for months - gross - for extra comfort and like you say - no physical barrier just dont want to sit next to his smelly feet/bedding thank you.

My evil s/mum alter ego sometimes makes me gather up all his bedding and put it back on his bed when he goes to the loo - change channels and plonk myself in middle of settee.

[demented ]

or should that be [demonic]

Even though DSS has a tv in his room, 'occupation' of the lounge has become something of a turf war. If I'm watching TV in the lounge, I have to time visits to the loo/kitchen VERY carefully, because if DSS realises I've left my territory undefended, he'll be straight in there, to watch cartoons for hours on end.

I may purchase a commode at this rate, at least I won't need leave the room so often (although given the kerfuffle when I used the downstairs loo 'inappropriately' on an access weekend, maybe that's a bad idea) and I may instal a fridge/kettle in the lounge.

I had considered buying some sort of dressmaker's dummy, and dressing it like me, and put a Petal-style wig on it, and use it as a decoy. Then I could possibly vacate the lounge for a few minutes, without DSS realising that he has vacant possession ...

You've just got to out-smart the enemy.

..... I have another 'lounge clearing' tactic (in the absence of hand granades, the last one really made a mess on the carpet), if DSS is on his PS3 (or whatever) linked up to the internet, I nip upstairs and switch off our wireless router ...... DSS then complains to his Dad that the internet is playing up, I helpfully go upstairs to check, but report that it's all working properly (of course by then it's re-set and working fine), DSS chunters to himself and usually retreats to his bedroom.

Result!! The lounge is my territory again!!

PETAL - please stop my sides are hurting and I cant breathe.

I do that with our internet just flick it on and off and he comes lunging out his bedroom - I think he knows its me - and I get back in my seat quick and look all innocent.

But he nearly caught me once or twice so when I was clearing out the garage I found a long thin plastic pole thing - meant for reaching conservatory blinds I think.

So now I keep it under the sette and flick the plug off without getting up and then just have to shove the pole back under the settee - amuses me no end. HA HA -[ evil stepmum emoticon].

Funny how it always seems to happen when I have asked him to do something and he has carried on playing a game which he always says he cant leave at the moment

oh and that dressmakers dummy made me howl - again a bit of a guilty conscience on that one as well. My DSS absolutely hates soaps - so what I do to preserve my lounge for my return is go upstairs or to the corner shop even and leave the telly on loud with a soap type programme on - knowing that he will think I am still in there - or am gonna be back in a minute if he does happen to look in. Have confined him to his room for whole afternoons with this stunt - took dog for a walk and allsorts - come back and he's not ventured out - but if I turned TV off - he would be straight in - installing himself.

Ooh yes - sounds great. Can we have wine ? -

Sorry that should have read : Can we have wine ? Ooh yes - sounds great.

Yes

and cake

who said that ?

hic

who's there ?

Suda - you're just as evil as me !!!! How hilarious that we both have the same strategies !!!!

Oh thank you Petal ! ( I think ?)

Another one - this will make you laugh - DSS would often have a bath when we were out - in the family bathroom even though he had chosen bedroom with en suite wet room - and it used to really freak me out as he is disgusting and it meant I didnt want to use it after him and we dont have en-suite so no choice.

One night the voices made me take the bath plug out in my handbag.

On our house the phone for some reason stops working after a certain time and even the power has gone off briefly. No idea why it happens !!!!! :)

Heheheheheeeee