Need to know AIBU or not?

[harassedinherpants]

Quick history - I've been with dh for nearly 6 years, married for 18 mths and we have a dd aged 4. He has a dsd 11 who lives with her mum (they split when she was 2) and I have 2 x ds's who have both left home.

Dsd has never particularly liked me it would seem, and has always been distant and rude unless she wants something. Her mum has never worked until recently, and this is causing lots of probs now. Although I'm glad she's working!

Dsd always came every weekend on a Friday night and went back Sat evening. Recently, since her mum started working weekends and needing childcare, she's been coming all weekend but every other weekend. All fine!

Now her mum has changed her work pattern and works every 3rd weekend, plus still wants us to have her every other weekend. So we're getting her two full weekends on the trot and then one off. Not fine at all!!

All this has been agreed without any consultation with me. I am in effect her unpaid childcare (I pay a child minder!. It wouldn't be so bad if dsd actually participated in family life, but she doesn't in any way, shape or form. From the moment she comes she's sullen and rude. She's has her earphones in and is on her I-pod touch or laptop. She totally ignores dd (4) who is actually pleased to see her sister! This results in dd acting up as she doesn't understand what's going on.

I am pretty resentful of her behaviour but work hard not to let it show, and to include her in everything we do. I went and picked her up this weekend as dh was working, and despite arranging a time, I was stood on the doorstep with dd for over 15 mins. I then didn't even get a hello, and got one word replies to my questions. I gave up!

We went out to dinner yesterday and she was vacant and didn't say a word. Dh actually got very cross with her as she was incredibly rude to him.

When she went home, I went upstairs and her bed was unmade, glass left up there and blind still down at 6pm. Wasn't impressed!

Dh and I actually had a pretty frank talk about her rudeness on Saturday and he says he's going to talk to her. I also pointed out that in 5 years I've never had a birthday card from her, and I think it's his job to ensure this happens! I go out of my way to make sure she has a card for him, and my boys wouldn't dream of forgetting his birthday.

I sound a right miserable mare, but I'm feeling pretty put upon at the moment and quite unhappy. I work hard all week in a job I don't like because the hours work with dd and it's well paid, and now my weekends feel miserable too . We're ttc'ing and I'm sat here wondering if this is the right thing to do.

Hi Harrassed
I have two DSD's who are nearly 15 and 13 as well as a DS aged 9 and DD aged 7. I have to say that a few years ago when the older DSD hit her teens we had some issues. I think they resented me and my kids. Now things are better altho the younger DSD comes to our house and is either on the laptop or sat with ear phones in.
What I have learnt to do is just treat them as I treat my own but most importantly let them know that yes you are the stepmum but you can be a friend too. I think your DSD sounds a bit rude and sullen but I do think it is her age. I think DH needs to take her out on his own and tell her that you and the other kids are part of her life and she needs to make more effort to get involved in family life at your home.
What I do is try to do the same things and not change plans altho I do organise things for all kids to do together as it is important for them to bond.
Also why not try taking DSD out for a coffee and bit of shopping as it may be a way for you two to bond. I know how you must feel because there were times when my DSD's came to our house and I felt like I wanted to go our away from their moods but I have stuck with it and made an effort and this weekend my DSD who is the older of the two is here whilst DH is working and we have all been out shopping and watching films together. Good luck harrassed and stick with it because at the end of the day you are all family. Hope all goes well

I would leave the younger DD with DH and take her out and do things together on your own. It sounds as if she is being treated as a visitor and not a member of the family. Does she do anything with the older step sisters? Does she have time on her own to bond with her half sister? It sounds as if she is being treated as an inconvenience to be shuffled around to get free childcare so I am not surprised that she reacts badly.
It is difficult, but I would be positive and get to know her on her own.

Just bumping this up - Harrassed, how have things been over the weekend? Did you still have to cancel your plans because step daughter was visiting? And is husband still insisting you can only go out on the weekends when she's not there?

I think that you will have problems if you are seeing yourselves as a family of 3 with a regular visitor, rather than a family of 4.

Hi, really sorry I haven't been back!! I kind of had to step back for a bit from the whole thing.....but am fine now.

Dsd was much better the last time we had her (last weekend was her weekend with mum, and we have her again this weekend). I don't know if dh had a word when they were doing drop off/ pick up, but she was much politer and not quite so sullen. I know it's not just at our house, there have been issues when she's at home with her mum too. Last year (her last at juniors) she was bullying. Despite being read the riot act this didn't stop for quite some time. But was all kind of brushed under the carpet!! She's also very rude to her mother, which I've witnessed myself. If one of mine spoke in that way they'd be in trouble lol!

We did cancel our plans, but I am point blank refusing to cancel any more. Especially as at the moment it's my mil babysitting most of the time.

We now have her for 3 weekends on the trot, and were supposed to have her tonight and all day Saturday, but just had after dh left for work (handy!) saying he's picking her up Sat lunchtime because she wants to come to party with us. Fair enough, I have no problem with that, but once again the plans are changed without consulting me.......

Pisces - I don't see us as a family of 3 with a visitor. I have 2 children too, dil's and a grand-daughter. We are a huge extended family and they're all welcome at any time, but I think it's important for me, dh and dd (she's just 4!) to have time on our own. Particularly as I'm a working mum and dh runs two businesses.

just had a text after dh left for work

I really don't think you should be having her for three weekends on the trot. Correct me if I'm wrong, but initially it was alternate weekends, which then increased to 2 weekends in 3, and now you've got her for three consecutive weekends?

How did that come about?

It's how the weekends have fallen. That isn't dh's fault lol. We were meant to have her Friday evening and Saturday this weekend, Friday evening to Sunday evening the following weekend, and the Friday evening to Saturday evening the weekend after that.

The one in the middle is when the ex works, and the other two are for every other weekend.

Just had words with dh....... . Being made to feel it's me being unreasonable about the change this weekend. I don't mind her coming Saturday until Sunday night (because that's what it'll be), BUT once again it's all been arranged without even mentioning it to me. Yes I probably should have realised that's what happened as it's a family party we're going to, and to be perfectly honest I kept quiet on purpose to see what would happen. He's just proved that I have no bearing on the situation at all. I feel really upset and let down. Bloody man!!!

mjin - it's not having her I object to. I object to being used as unpaid childcare, I'm a working mum and have paid for my own childcare since my daughter was 5months old. But what I hugely object is dh making arrangements and accepting whatever changes the ex makes at the drop of a hat and without consulting me.

When dsd is with us, it's like two seperate lives. Dh has never been included in anything, not from schools (although there's only one local), never been to parents evening, never been TOLD about parents evening, never dropped her off at school .......nothing. Was chatting to ex a few months ago and she freely admits that as soon as dsd was born she totally cut dh off and completely excluded him. She wouldn't even let him change a nappy. She freely admits this is why they split up. So no she's never had a sleepover at ours, never has friends over....... I don't know. Is this wrong??? She doesn't know anyone over here except for us.

I think YABU to see yourself as unpaid childcare, she is family not a mindee. Agree with mjinhiding that you should coninue with normal life when she's around.

I've had really mixed feelings reading this thread...lots of sympathy re the different standards of behaviour and lack of consideration/consultation...but also some confusion about the weekends issue. Will freely admit this may be baggage for several reasons - not least because DH had to fight for years to get that level of contact - but also because I have a DD who went through a very difficult phase when she was about this age. She lives with us, and if DH had made it as clear as you do that she was not welcome - for whatever reason - it would be him who was out of the door.

Tackling behaviour pro-actively, getting involved with school, inviting her friends over - all these things take some effort but
might improve things. Parenting teenagers is not easy - but if you are a parent (step or otherwise) then you can't just say, well it's just too hard to do more than 2 weekends a month.

Tanga, I don't actually agree that me getting involved in dsd's is my place (for want of a better word) to be honest. I don't think either ex or dh would appreciate me pushing that one!! I also don't see where I said it was too hard to do more than two weekends a month. I would prefer not to, I'd like the time with dh and dd because I think that's just as important as having dsd here. Also, bear in mind that I also have two sons and a grand-daughter, so would like time to see them too.

I really don't know if inviting friends over is going to work. I'm just thinking how I'd feel if one of dd's friends dads (or his new wife) phoned and invited her over to play.... I still don't feel it's a particularly accepted situation. It should be, but in reality I don't think that's so.

So......I don't think there's a solution, in fact I think the main problem is dh and have told him so!!! Incidentally dsd has been much improved, and has apparently been telling people (dh's mum & cousins) that she loves me as much as her mum. I have to admit I'm a bit about this, because I'd not be happy about my ds's feeling like this about their dad's dg/dw (not that he has one, he's a sad lonely git but that's another story !).

?It?s an artificial situation where she is with you 100% of the time during access weekends, she wouldn?t be with you 100% of the weekend under normal circumstances. ?

MJinhiding ? this is so true. It just makes access weekends false and intense. I can totally identify with this, because it?s the same situation at our house.

I wasn't suggesting that you get involved with school instead of her Dad - it was a response to the comment about your DH never having been to a parent's evening because he's never been 'told' about one. Schools don't keep that info top secret, do they? He could check the website or ring.

I think it is very sad for this little girl as you appear to think of her as a burden you have to be 'unpaid childcare' for. I don't think children of a family should have to think of themselves that way - presumably you don't think that you or your DH are providing 'unpaid childcare' for your biological children?

I would be totally honoured if my DSS said he loved me as much as his mum, what a huge compliment. And how ungraciously you respond to it.

Agree absolutely with MJ - a few posts back . Your DH can not have it both ways - i.e. expect you to have no say in how often your DSD says and just have to accept it - and totally put your life on hold , not go out etc when she's there. Tell him he cant have it both ways and it wouldnt be nearly as much of an issue with you if you didnt have to put your life on hold ( which is what he wants after all - less hassle ).

Otherwise your life could become like mine in years to come. Still got 23yr old untouchable SS living at home - no light at end of tunnel - and I have to accept that and darent even throw a funny look in DSSs direction or all hell breaks loose. Last night we were out and spontaneously decided to have a takeaway in car - me and DH - and when we got in - DH rushed to catch me up before I went anywhere near SS and whispered 'Dont tell DSS we've been to chippy ok ' So I not only have to put up and shut up - I cant even go for a takeaway with my DH now in case it puts FOMO SSs nose out of joint.

Put it this way - I let it slip later [smug].

Tanga - you weren't there, and I didn't say I received it ungraciously!

I think it would be very strange if any child that has a good relationship with a parent (as dsd does with her mother), would feel the same way about a parent. I love my sd, but it is different to how I feel about my children. There isn't that biological bond, it is different!

Many of our difficulties arise, I think, from the way that dh and his ex had things set up with dsd before I came on the scene. There are various reasons, that I'm not going into on a public forum, that he hasn't been involved in dsd's day to day life and education. Reasons, but not excuses, and it's as much ex's fault as dh's - and I think it's intentional on both sides tbh. I have to say that I don't agree with any of it!!

It must be very difficult to be involved with the break-up and move on from there, but it's also difficult to become involved where the arrangements and way of doing things has been in place for several years. Dsd was 6 when I met dh, and him and the ex had been apart since before her 2nd birthday.

Should have re-read 3 times!!

"I think it would be very strange if any child that has a good relationship with a parent (as dsd does with her mother), would feel the same way about a step parent."

I agree with the poster who commented 'it must be very hard to become involved, where the arrangements and ways of doing things have been set for several years.'

How true. You find that many separated men are just so grateful to see their kids, that they accept any sort of arrangement (no matter how bizarre) that gives them access. And so it becomes 'custom and practice.' Then along comes a fresh set of eyes (ie the new lady in his life), who can see clearly that the arrangements are just impractical, but because they've been in place for a couple of years already, it's very hard to bring about change.

If I'd have been on the scene when DH and his ex were sorting out access, I would have insisted on a very different way of doing things.

This sort of thing is exactly why I could not be a step parent. You husband;'s child could live with you all of the time and it's pretty terrible that you think six days out of 20 is too many.

Shocking.

Her behaviour is another issue but I'm not really surprised if you see her like you do. Her father should spend a little time with her oin his own at least one day a month and sort her attitude out. He must show her that he loves her and is important to both of you, perhaps you could organise something too?

Posie, in theory 6 days out of 21 doesn't sound that onerous, but when you realise that it's actually two weekends out of three, then that's quite different. The OP and her child have two thirds of their weekends tainted by her step-daughter. Not pleasant.

But this is his daughter and OP should have considered this before getting involved with a man that already had a child. OP's DH sounds like an arse if he doesn't want to see his dd as much as possible, tbh.

'Tainted' Jesus Christ. Most teens are a PITA but with love, nurture and stability they turn into nice adults.

I am appalled at the attitudes expressed here.