Need to know AIBU or not?

[harassedinherpants]

Quick history - I've been with dh for nearly 6 years, married for 18 mths and we have a dd aged 4. He has a dsd 11 who lives with her mum (they split when she was 2) and I have 2 x ds's who have both left home.

Dsd has never particularly liked me it would seem, and has always been distant and rude unless she wants something. Her mum has never worked until recently, and this is causing lots of probs now. Although I'm glad she's working!

Dsd always came every weekend on a Friday night and went back Sat evening. Recently, since her mum started working weekends and needing childcare, she's been coming all weekend but every other weekend. All fine!

Now her mum has changed her work pattern and works every 3rd weekend, plus still wants us to have her every other weekend. So we're getting her two full weekends on the trot and then one off. Not fine at all!!

All this has been agreed without any consultation with me. I am in effect her unpaid childcare (I pay a child minder!. It wouldn't be so bad if dsd actually participated in family life, but she doesn't in any way, shape or form. From the moment she comes she's sullen and rude. She's has her earphones in and is on her I-pod touch or laptop. She totally ignores dd (4) who is actually pleased to see her sister! This results in dd acting up as she doesn't understand what's going on.

I am pretty resentful of her behaviour but work hard not to let it show, and to include her in everything we do. I went and picked her up this weekend as dh was working, and despite arranging a time, I was stood on the doorstep with dd for over 15 mins. I then didn't even get a hello, and got one word replies to my questions. I gave up!

We went out to dinner yesterday and she was vacant and didn't say a word. Dh actually got very cross with her as she was incredibly rude to him.

When she went home, I went upstairs and her bed was unmade, glass left up there and blind still down at 6pm. Wasn't impressed!

Dh and I actually had a pretty frank talk about her rudeness on Saturday and he says he's going to talk to her. I also pointed out that in 5 years I've never had a birthday card from her, and I think it's his job to ensure this happens! I go out of my way to make sure she has a card for him, and my boys wouldn't dream of forgetting his birthday.

I sound a right miserable mare, but I'm feeling pretty put upon at the moment and quite unhappy. I work hard all week in a job I don't like because the hours work with dd and it's well paid, and now my weekends feel miserable too . We're ttc'ing and I'm sat here wondering if this is the right thing to do.

Sorry - that is a humungous ranty post

So what you're saying, is that you now have her for two weekends out of three? You are not being unreasonable. Even if she was a totally wonderful child, having her for 2 out of 3 weekends means you're not getting sufficient quality time with your husband and daughter. So I'm not surprised it's making you miserable.

I suggest you tackle your husband again, and tell him you're OK with alternate weekends (I don't think you can reasonably expect much less), but any more is not acceptable on a regular basis.

Your 'new' family, ie you, husband and daughter, are equally important as your stepdaughter, and should not take a backseat to keep the ex wife happy.

Thanks for replying to my huge post! Once a started typing, it all kind of spewed out lol.

Yes it works out 2 out of 3 weekends. He's taken the "how can I say no" attitude, but all it feels like to me is she jump and he says how high. Whereas I don't seem to come into consideration.

I wouldn't dream of saying no she can't come, and have actively encouraged contact, picked up/dropped off myself with a tiny baby when (stupid, idiot) dh got a 6 month driving ban, and have arranged activities for them to do.

But, our time (me, dh & dd) is important too, particularly as we both work and dd is at school or child minder. It's the only proper time we get together. We don't get much time in the week due to dh's time consuming hobby, and I've just rememberd that he's work Saturday am too! We also have to cancel a long standing night out to friends.

You and your daughter as as important as her in terms of the family dynamic - I found this very hard to get my head round as a step but you are and your respective needs count. Talk to your partner and explain that you dont want her shoved out but you arent happy with the new arrangement, particularly in light of her (fairly standard teenage crap) behaviour.

I think your relationship will improve with her when you stop seeing her as someone to babysit....she is your husband's child, surely she counts as family and while she is with you, she is family.

Scurry, regardless of how the OP views the step child, the 'new' child is just as important as the step child, which is why alternate weekends would be fairer.

prettyfly - I think it's so easy as a step parent to concentrate on the step children, that you kind of forget that you're still as important. I've certainly seen dh put our dd second, and pulled him up on it. Yes her behaviour is standard teenage stuff, but I have two older ones (and my ds 2 is/was a slob!!) so have been through it. We (dh & I) wouldn't take certain behaviour from them, so don't see why sd should get away with it.

Scurryfunge - I generally don't see myself as a babysitter (they get paid !), although at the moment that is how Ifeel without being asked to iykwim. Ex is one of those single mums who have never ever worked, so I'm very glad she is now! Yes she is my family, and she's always been treated as such by my side of the family.

YANBU - if she was mucking in and not being so awkward and miserable then maybe it would be easier for you to accept, but effectively this behaviour is ruining the dynamic of the household, on 2 out of every 3 weekends. Personally I would have been really annoyed that this had been agreed without discussing it first. The fact that it has only been agreed to suit the ex's new job doesn't really help either

scurryfunge - it's pretty difficult to see someone as a member of the family when they don't act as such and are rude to the OP in her home. As a step-parent, the OP will be in no position to shape the child's behaviour, which sounds pretty unsavoury, so I can see why she feels miserable

I agree that her behaviour is unacceptable but maybe she has picked up on the fact that she is not overly welcome. I think her father can and should shape her behaviour. This is the new family unit like it or not .

Perhaps OP's DH is getting off a bit lightly here if he is not facing up to his responsibilities of the whole family.

Perhaps I am tainted by what is going on in my brother's family at the moment. His new partner has announced that she will not have his sons visit any more as it impacts on her family time.....perhaps I am just leaking these feelings because of this poor behaviour, sorry.

I think he's getting off very lightly!! He's a lovely man and a great dad to both girls (and an excellent step dad to my boys), but he does have a "head in the sand" tendency when it comes to dsd's behaviour!

Dd was a total nightmare on Saturday, really naughty and tantrum-my but has been poorly, had 3 late nights on the trot and just started school full time. Reasons, but she still got put on naughty step and told off. Dsd however, was very rude and it got ignored. It's not helpful for anyone imo. Not dd because she picks up on it and not sd because she needs to learn that you can't treat people like that!

Yes this is our family unit with the emphasis our. As such I should have a say in that, and at the moment I'm not. I also don't see why my weekends with just dh and dd should be subject to change purely to suit his ex. Actually I think dh needs to grow a pair when it comes to dealing with her!

harassed - I know what you mean about the discipline thing. We were having dinner a couple of weeks ago and DS was being sent out and threatened with no pudding for not eating all his food. Meanwile DSS, aged 15, was picking out pieces of courgette from his meal, one by one, and DH didn't bat an eyelid

I'd love to know why so many men just can't stand up to their ex wives ...... (that's probably deserving of a whole new thread)! Too many of them don't mind upsetting the new wife, just so long as the ex wife is placated. Weird.

But I agree that the OP's weekends should not be chopped and changed to suit the ex. The OP is quite happy to have the stepchild on alternate weekends, which perfectly reasonable. Playing devils advocate here, what would happen if the ex's working pattern changes, and she ended up working every weekend - would the OP then NEVER get a weekend without the step child????

Scurry - the situation you describe in your family is very sad. As much as my life would sometimes be easier without access weekends, I wouldn't dream of telling my husband that his son couldn't visit. I hope this gets resolved.

Harrassed - how do you think your husband would react, if you told him that you were OK with alternate weekends, but not 2 out of 3? Would this get you anywhere, or would he simply make out he had no control over it, and carry on regardless?

I dont think telling her "change your thoughts and it will all change" will help scurry. I know biological parents who are literally counting the days till their teens bugger off as they are so difficult to deal with and they have the benefit of the unconditional love of a biological parent to see them through. If you dont have that it can be a bloody nightmare. In an ideal world this girl would have the right to see her father as much as she likes but as the person putting up with her sxxt that can be difficult to countenance.

OP, playing devils advocate a bit you talk about there being differences in how your daughter and her are treated which are understandably frustrating and hard to take but perhaps she feels that with your daughter there all the time and her having to beg for every other weekend SHE is the one being treated differently, hence the grumpy shit.

AWFUL EXES aside (of which I am fully experienced, I will put a thread up about this in a minute) she still needs her dad too even if she is a witch so I think you need to chat this through with your partner very seriously and see if there is a compromise you can come to that suits you both. I dont feel this is your dsd's fault, but your partners for not respecting your needs and feelings and that is the issue I think you have to address here.

Well we had a chat............and he fully takes on board all my points, apologised for not checking with my first etc etc, but I don't think anything is going to change. He asked what I wanted him to do, and I said that he should do what I think is best for our family. I also pointed out that he's helping ex with childcare (which is what he's doing), but that when it's our dd I sort out the childminder and take time off when she's ill (although he does it very occasionally). Ironic?!

Petal - I did ask what would happen if ex decided to work every weekend. Don't remember getting a reply to that one.

Pretty - I take your point about the behaviour and dd seeing her Dad all week. Although the reality is slightly different as both dh and I (me slightly part-time 30ish hours) work, dd is at a cm and dh is out every single evening. Dd is 4, so in bed by 7.30 so she doesn't actually see that much of her Dad either!

Dh said he would take dsd out at the weekend to talk about things. He's also very fed up with her behaviour. I don't think that's helpful, taking her out to do it imo. What do you think?

Also, do you change your plans to if your steps are coming? We're meant to be going out this weekend, but dh says to cancel it. So if we're having dsd 2 out of every 3 weekends then that's a lot of plans we're going to have cancel! How come she can't stay with a sitter (normally dh's mum) too?? He says we can go out on the weekend that we don't have her, but I pointed out that by then I'll just want a quiet night in with dd and him. Sounds like we go out a lot but we don't

He says he takes on board all your points, and yet you don?t think anything is gong to change ? in which case he hasn?t really taken much notice of your discomfort, has he? Rather than be vague, and tell him he should do what?s best for the family, I think you should be more prescriptive than that, and tell him that the best thing is alternate weekends. (OK, the best thing for your family would probably be if she didn?t exist (!), but now?s not the time to bring that up!!)

I recall that several years ago, my husband had been ?ambushed? into having his son for 4 consecutive weekends, plus the half term holiday. When I showed him all the dates on the calendar, plus all plans we?d need to cancel to accommodate this, he apologised immediately, but didn?t change the arrangements ??

Many men often think that the best course of action is the one that causes least friction, and if the ?2 weekends in 3? arrangement has, so far, met with no resistance, then I can understand why he thinks it?s OK.

It?s all very well that he wants to take his daughter out at the weekend to discuss things, but it?s actually her mother he should be talking to, ie telling her that alternate weekends are fine, but not 2 in 3. To be honest, I think you?d cope far better with stepdaughter if you knew you have a reprieve on alternate weekends, it would probably seem more manageable.

I suspect that if your husband DOES raise this with his ex, she?ll try and put the ball back in his court, and say she?s no other choice. However, he needs to be strong at this point, and maybe ask her what she?d do if HE worked weekends. I don?t want to be pessimistic, but he back down without a fight at this point, that seems to be the modus operandi of many separated Dads.

Regarding ?do plans change if the step kids are coming? - given you already had arrangements for this coming weekend, I see no reason why you should change these plans, essentially to accommodate your husband?s ex. Cos let?s face it, if HER plans change (ie work) then she sends the child over to you. Is there any reason why she can?t be looked after by your husband?s mother? Has he actually said he won?t allow this to happen? I?d be interested to hear his reasons. Real life needs to continue when stepchildren come to stay, we?ve discussed this on other threads. If you suspend reality for the duration of their visits, it?s not healthy for anyone.

And if he?s saying you can only go out one weekend in three, well that?s not on. He?s basically allowing his ex?s working pattern to restrict your lives.

I really think this all boils down to ?too many weekends.? You can achieve a balance if its alternate weekends, and I gather from your previous post that you were quite happy when this was happening. But having her 2 weekends in 3 really skews the balance of your lives.

I think you need another chat ? good luck,

Lifes not fair sometimes especialyy when youre a s/mum .

I have my now grown up s/son 24/7 and I dont hold out much hope in todays economic times whereby kids are staying at home longer and longer as they just cant afford to leave home !

My s/son has a perfectly healthy (apart from chronic selfishness) live and kicking mum who lives 100s of miles away with her partner on their own - bliss !.

Am not playing down your problem - honestly im not - there are enough people who always blame/attack the s/mum the minute she has the audacity to say she's unhappy.

But oh what I would give to 'only' have my SS with us every 2 out of three weekends and not at all during the week. I can only dream of having one night in house to ourselves - his mother never has him to stay even (he's no interest anyway as his mates arent there and its boring !). She never even offers to have him stay or take him away for a weekend or anything let alone on holiday.

Have actually told DH that if he is still at home in a couple of years that I insist he speaks to exw and together they come up with something as I am not being dumped on indefinitely. Yes it is soooooooooo bloody unfair. Sorry not very constructive but at least you have a life seperate from her - sometimes - even though its not as often as you would like.

I agree with what another of you said about children (which technically I suppose she still is) do not behave well if they feel like an unwelcome guest and they are so incredibly perceptive and sensitive to this that they will pick it up - however many good things and favours you do for them - I think they still pick up the underlying vibe.

But having said all that I do think your husband should stand up to his exw. As should my DH and tell her look Sudas done all your dirty work for enough years now - so get involved or clear out the spare room!! You are lucky in that at least he will at least tackle his daughter - many fathers wont !

Sorry I didnt mean to sound unsympathetic - I really really honestly do feel for you. it is pants really I know.

Hi Suda, it sounds like a nightmare! How old is your ss, and what does he do?? I have two older ds's (19 & 20)and with a bit of financial help they've both been able to leave home, albeit to rented accommodation. Sometimes I think there are unrealistic expectations from young people these days. Yes in an ideal world we'd all be property owners, but unfortunately the world's not ideal! I had to give my ds2 the hugest kick up the wotsit to get him to get a part time job when he was at college....then he ended up with two. Typical!!

So....round two of talks, and we've reached a kind of compromise. Although I'm not 100% happy I think it's the best we're going to achieve! On the weekends the ex is working, we'll have dsd all weekend (Fri to Sun), but on the other weekends we'll have her Fri night to Saturday night. This is what we used to do every week, then it changed when ex got a job etc etc.

I also think dsd isn't very happy about being here so much too tbh. We live in the text town to her (about 15min drive) so none of her friends are here and I should think she feels she's missing out on doing things with her friends. I know my ds's would have thought like that. After all it's just Dad lol.......

So we have her all weekend this week, and dh is going to be having a good chat with her to find out what on earth is going on.

Harrassed - I'm pleased you've managed to have another conversation, but it doesn't sound like your husband has conceded very much in your favour. So you'll still have her 2 weekends in 3, only on one of those weekends you get a free Sunday. Hmmmmmm.

I'm not surprised this doesn't suit your step daughter much either, she's the wrong age to be away from her friends so much at the weekends. So the only person who benefits from these arrangements is her mother. What a surprise !!!!!

Lol.... exactly, all for her mother's benefit!! She had to get a job now dsd is nearly 12. Everything was fine up until then tbh.

You're right dh hasn't conceded much and he knows it as I've told him so. I think it gives me more power (and that's not the right word but can't think of a better one atm) to ensure that the dsd's behaviour and rudeness is addressed.

She's also mentioned half term, but I've stamped on that as I work and dd will be at the childminder. She can do as I do, and pay for childcare! That one really annoyed me.......

Good for you, for being VERY clear about half term. You are NOT a childminder !!!! Given you make arrangements to have your child cared for, there's no reason why she can't do the same. I hope your husband backed you up on that one.

Hi HARASSED - of an empathic s/mum.

My s/son is 23 and he has been to college 6 years - subsidised heavily by his dad and now works part time in a petrol station . I guess I feel like I'm stuck with him because he is mentally very lazy IYSWIM - he just does enough in life to get through - am sure if he could live here till he was forty and just do a little part time job - only pay us a nominal amount - have a roof over his head/food/internet access/gas electricity/money for nights out with his friends etc - then he would do just that. Its like he thinks its a right to still be here - fuelled by his dads attitude that 'kids live at home longer these days and I would never throw him out anyway'. He has no motivation or ownership of his future - or lack of it - he has no long term plans. Thats why Ive insisted that DH in the not too distant future says to his exw - look Suda and I have done what you should have done at least one half of in the last 7 years - youve got off scot free - now you need to come on board - he is still your son so we (meaning DH and EXW) can help him to start out on his own.

Anyway I'm hijacking I'm sorry - back to your post - I dont understand your new compromise - lost the plot a bit - as it sounds like you now have DSD every weekend - thats not right surely - how many weekends do you have her now then and how is it a compromise ??
Also is DH going to have a good chat with exw or DSD ?? Sorry you have to think idiot guide when I'm reading stuff like this - my brains not working of late blown a fuse I think !

I'm not sure that your DH taking her out for a chat is ideal but I have no experience of this to be sure. It would have thought it would be better if you both addressed her behaviour issues as a unit, so that she has it reinforced to her that you are as much a parent while she is in your house as her Dad is (which you should be).

OTOH, she might open up more to just her Dad so having a chat with her without you around might be more productive. I can't tell from your posts whether or not your DH is likely to promise your DSD inappropriate things if only she will "play nice" - but that would be a bad plan, so I'd drop that in his ear before the weekend. Bribery in secret only increases the divisiveness.

Am :( for your DD in being shunned by her older half-sister. Especially when I think of a friend who has several DC by two different fathers - the older ones adore the younger ones and play with them all the time.

Yes I agree that bit is sad Witch - very sad because you imagine an 11 yr old girl would love a little four yr old sister to bits really and if anything this would bind the two halves of the family - the sisterly bond between the two. I only just checked the age of the SD in this thread - I thought she was older for some reason - told you I lose the plot easily !and she is still very much a child but around that difficult imbetweenie age maybe ?? Sounds like she has issues or problems in general not just related to stepfamily issues - she certainly doesnt sound very happy. How is she with her natural mother - has DH asked his EXW this - presuming he gets an honest answer and not a point scoring one ! It could be his EXW says she is finding her difficult at the moment. Then at least you know its not the stepfamily/access issues etc causing her behaviour. As a biological mother as well as a s/mother (both grown up mine btw) - I remember having frequent homicidal tendencies towards my daughter from around 12 to 16ish - she was just a nightmare but since then we have gone back to having a really good relationship.