DH labelling ice-cream in freezer

[nomedoit]

My son, aged 19, has been home for uni over the summer. He is a nightmare. Rude (really, you could say almost abusive to me), hostile, lazy, untidy, disorganized. My DH and I are both counting down the days til he goes back and I stop running a hotel for him. I've tried the whole boundary thing but nothing works, he is immune to it all. He made very little effort even to get a job. Honestly this the DS day:

1pm - get up
1.30 - large breakfast plus TV
4.00 - nap
5.00 - contents of fridge plus TV
7.00 - huge dinner
8.00 - go out to friend's house
4am - bedtime

Poor DH has withdrawn. Anyhow. tonight he has labelled some ice-cream he bought, 'Do not eat.' Because DS bloody eats everything. And I felt like crying. Labelling our food just seemed to symbolize how fractured our 'family' is.

Reading this open mouthed.
Really hoping you sort this one out Namedoit as he just sounds appalling and will be neither use nor ornament to anyone.

Mj, your strategies were brilliant, as are yuor Suda.

Thank you Moondog - I surprise myself sometimes at how devious resourceful I can be and I do get some amusement from watching some of the confused expressions caused by my tactics which is a welcome relief from all the angst. Gutted I didnt get to see his face when he couldnt find the bath plug though - I'd have paid good money.

Think I'm discovering an evil streak in me that I never knew I had.. This mornings amusement was 'accidentally' putting the butter back in the fridge -in the butter dish - after me and DH had finished with it. By the time his lordship rose it was rock hard so he couldnt butter his toast. Complained to his dad and got told to 'get a life -who do you think you are' - love it!

I sat there like butter wouldnt melt .

Sorry couldnt resist.

Suda - I just love you so much.

You are soooooo..funny

Suda - you rock !!!!!

Thanks, Moondog. I think it is going to be a process. DS went back to uni yesterday, we are in the US, and the house feels as though there is more oxygen in the air now. I love him to bits but the behaviour is unbelievable.

He is so good at pressing my buttons (eg my Mum safety concerns) but I'm becoming more aware of that. So yesterday he wanted me to drive to uni. I said you can drive. Cue DS victim mode, "I don't think that's safe. I didn't get to sleep til 4am. I may fall asleep at the wheel."

I said, "No you won't. I'll keep you awake!"

Of course he was fine. He had slept all bloody day. He just wanted to be able to have a nice snooze in the car and never mind that I had a lot of driving/work ahead of me.

So deos he know you are no longer paying for car and phone (if that was your decision)?

Moondog, I'm taking the car in next week so the dealer can test drive it and make me a final offer. Then I'll tell DS once it's a done deal. As for the phone I'm giving him one month's notice at the end of this billing cycle. Basically, he will have no choice but to get a job if he wants a phone. The proceeds from the car will pay our bills for a while, plus I won't have to pay the tax, insurance and maintenance. It would have needed new tyres later this year. So all in all it will be a big help. I have warned him endless times about our financial situation but he has done absolutely nothing to contribute. Zero.

Currently, I'm trying to get him to write a thank you email to Mr. X...

Good on you. It is for his own good in the long term. You know that don't you? I was telling my dh about this thread when he went to tidy up the bathroom where my kids had wreaked havoc after a bath.

They are admittedly only little but i did point out to him that accountability has to start very soon indeed.They are old enough to make a good attempt at tidying after a bath. Him doing it all like a martyr is no help to anyone.

I'm watching this thread.

Nome - I am so pleased you are obviously feeling more in control compared to hopelessness you obviously felt when you wrote OP. You sounded like there was no light at end of tunnel but now I dont think you will look back - you are so resolved ( although things that have taken years to build up dont change overnight obviously }. I too have been greatly helped by this thread - the camaraderie - the ideas - and just knowing someone else understands how you feel. Thats whats great about Mumsnet you can get help and help other people at same time.

Oh and dont forget the laughs - very important - and we have lots.

I read a quote from Sarah Ferguson years ago when she was battling with the Royals over her divorce, access to her girls etc etc. A columnist asked how she managed to stand up to such a powerful family and she said:
"I've come to the conclusion that people can only treat you as badly as you allow them to"

Always stuck in my mind that and I think its true whoever it is - even when its your own children or step-children. Might make it my mantra - DH will wonder what I'm muttering

Suda, I agree. I feel that I am taking some control back. I can't actually control DS but I can impose a consequence. Right now I've given up trying to make him write a thank you email to Mr. X (someone who took two hours at the end of the working day to take DS out to dinner and offer him help). I called DS today but he didn't answer the phone. This is the pattern once he is away at uni - he ignores my calls and emails. He has absolutely no respect for me or DH whatsoever. I've booked to take the car in for the dealer to drive it on Monday. Then I'll deal with the phone.
I hope the phone will make him get a job. he doesn't have much money in his bank account. I checked online and there are loads of campus jobs offering 10-20 hours a week. He could walk to those. They don't deduct tax, either. He could easily work 20 hours a week (though might faint from the shock of it for the first week ).

Thanks mj, that's exactly what my DH says, give up chasing DS. DH is cross because Mr. X is his contact. The next DS will hear from me is that the car is no longer in the drive! Why do you think these boys go to war with us? I feel like saying re. DS, "All I have ever done for you is love and support you and this is the thanks I get." But that would be a cliche!

have you changed the wireless password?

Aitch, I realised I don't need to. I never gave him the password to link to the wireless (actually I can't remember it). So DS uses a cable to link to the Internet connection box which co-incidentally is in his bedroom. Conveniently, the cable reaches to his bed. When we had the row about seeing Mr. X, I unplugged the cable so he lost the Internet then. Later, after he got back from seeing Mr. X, I said DS could go on my computer just to send a thank you email. I came back 20 minutes later, he was on a sports site so I kicked him off. The cable is now in the glovebox of DH's car (our equivalent of Suda's handbag). If/when he comes back for the holidays he won't have the cable and both my computer and my DH's computer are password protected. We've had trouble in the past with him clogging up our computers with dodgy downloads. And he won't guess those passwords! I'm definitely not giving him the Internet. If DS had not had Internet access over the summer, he would have been far more likely to get a job. He'll whine that he needs it for uni work but he can go to the library, they have computers there for free.

oh i see. i do feel for you, it sounds like he is acting like a right shitbag. but he's your shitbag and you sound very nice so he'll probably come good in the end. hope this phase doesn't last long.

Aitch, I wish I could share your optimism. This started when he was 14. Lots of people said he would improve when he was 16, then 18, then when he went to uni. He just gets worse actually. I have tried talking to him. I sent him to a great therapist last summer who said he was fine, not depressed which I thought might be the case. In fact, although he is bloody lazy here, he can be v. motivated when he wants to be. He's quite an alpha male, as is my DH, so there is that testosterone-driven thing going on. But DH has been incredibly helpful to him. In terms of getting his co-operation, nothing works. Not a thing. It as if he is in his private world and no one else matters. It's as if every issue is a win-lose battle for him and he has to win. The best interpretation I can put on it is that it is some kind of separation-thing. I have a male friend who came from a very close family and he left home for uni at 18 and told me he barely spoke to his parents until he was 25. I hope it is just that he wants his space. Believe me, he can have it.

he'll come around, i'm sure. but there's no reason why you have to put up with his shit while he's making the journey... this is not what you signed up for. good luck with the next bit.

Just spend 2 hours cleaning out the mobile skip, aka DS's car ready for the dealer to drive it tomorrow.

1. Hoovered the carpet for the first time in 2 years;
2. Prised the chewing gum gobs out of the door compartment;
3. Cleaned every surface;
4. De-gunked the disgusting sticky cup-holders;
5. Gave up on the unidentifiable carpet/upholstery stains.

That car was immaculate when we gave it to him needless to say.

Just sold the car. Don't know why but I feel quite depressed, funnily enough.

och well, it's a done deal now. what will he say, do you think, when you tell him? you had told him, right?

Yes, Aitch, we made it crystal clear at the start of the summer that he had to get a job and make a contribution or else. He did nothing. He's also refused all suggestions of sponsorship for his degree. I rang him last night but he didn't pick up the phone and my last round of FB messages/emails re. Mr. X have gone unanswered. So I'm just going to send him an email.

Update/help! So now DS is back at uni, ignoring my calls and emails. Have heard nothing from him at all since I dropped him off. I know he's fine because he's always on FB!
It's his birthday on Saturday, I emailed him to suggest a time for coming down. No reply. Do I go anyway? It's quite a long drive and I don't want to get there and find he's gone out. But after selling the car, should I demonstrate that I am still 'there for him' IYSWIM.