Share your stories with MyFampal of how you deal with behavioural/mental health issues with your DCs – £300 voucher to be won NOW CLOSED

[EmmaMumsnet]

To coincide with the launch of the MyFampal new app called MyFampal Parent, they have asked us to find out how you deal with behavioural and mental health issues with your children - whatever their age. The new app is designed to help parents to check, monitor and help take control of their family’s emotional wellbeing - by enabling families to identify, monitor and pre-empt issues before they take root.

Here’s what the team at MyFampal have to say: “Whether their children’s behaviour is considered ‘normal’ or healthy is a concern for all parents. Behavioural, emotional and mental health issues affect many families and vary hugely in form, often making them difficult to spot. It’s difficult to know for sure whether children are just going through a rough patch or struggling with something more concerning. MyFampal Parent is an easy-to-use app that helps you monitor how well your family functions as a unit and then lets you compare your results against others. In the same way that we take exercise and manage what we eat to maintain fitness, MyFampal Parent is here to help you with your families’ emotional wellbeing. Do download the app, try it for yourselves, and let us know what you think.”

MyFampal would love to hear your views on their App, but also how you have dealt with any potential behavioral, emotional or mental health issues your children have struggled with. At what age or development stage caused you the most concern? Do you have
an approach or method that allowed you to remember the key issues as they happen and keep dialogue open with your children so that they can communicate their emotions to you? Or do you have any techniques for how best to handle continued behavioural issues?

Please share your stories below of how you discovered and got through any tough times with your children - from toddlers to teens or even older adult children. Whether you have helpful feedback on the app or stories of how you got through it all to the other side, or if you are only just beginning to understand whether your DCs behaviour is healthy/’normal’ or they are struggling, MyFampal want to hear your thoughts.

Everyone who posts below will be entered into a prize draw where one Mumsnetter will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thank you and good luck!

MNHQ

Standard Insight T&Cs apply

Some things I try to remember when dealing with difficult behaviour, which we have a fair bit of in our house.

I think there is a huge spectrum of 'normal' behaviour and all children are infinitely different to one another. Just because your child is doing (or not doing) something different from other children, doesn't always mean there is something to be concerned about. Also, talking to other parents can help a lot to get perspective, but don't always believe 100% what other people TELL you about what there children are doing. They might not be revealing the whole truth, or may have a different perspective to you on acceptable behaviour. So don't always compare yourself to others.

Also worth remembering that children learn often by doing things wrong, testing boundaries and finding out what your and their own limits are. I try to always listen to their views so that I understand more about why they are behaving in a certain way.

Going through something tough can be a good way to learn something important that will benefit them in the future. It might not always be the best thing to protect your child from every difficult situation or emotion.

I keep having to remind myself that DS1 is only 3.5 and my expectations are too high sometimes. I am also trying to improve on the way I handle certain situations as its clear to me that sometimes I dont deal with things in the best way. Its all a learning curve.

To be honest, if I was worried about my family members' mental health, I would not use an app. But I am 45 (old) and maybe younger people would?

I don't use that many apps generally.

Like many mums I have worried about my children, especially about DS who has been on IEPs (social, emotional) at school, diagnosed with SEN, and struggled with friendships and dealing with emotions.

I did not do anything specific, other than spending loads of time with him to really get to the root of these issues, to talk bout them and to show/teach him how to show empathy or how to deal with feeling really strong emotions.

I also think parental approval, unconditional love even, is important to kids' mental health. They can do something wrong, behave badly, but it does not mean the end of the world.

Have kids has taught me a lot!

But an app? Not sure how it would fit into my life. I go on MN for a chat, to get a mum-soundingboard!

My daughter aged 9 has some anxiety issues regarding school due to her dyslexia. She worries about not being good enough or disappointing her teachers. She worries about spelling tests and the fact that they swap with another child to mark them, so they will see if she gets a low score. She worries that she will get things wrong and not understand what is being asked of her as it takes her longer to process information. We have always been good at talking things through with her and letting her know that she can come to us at any time. We've been very positive about her dyslexia and shown her the way that it can actually benefit her lift, for example she is very creative and has brilliant ideas, she just needs help getting them out. We talk about famous and successful people who have dyslexia and how it helped them to succeed in life. But mostly we try to boost her with things she can excel at and feel good doing. We have plenty of hugs and relaxation time together and she has lots of time to play out with her friends and climb trees. She has recently, by her own request, started writing a diary which is just for her and it is helping because she can get her thoughts out in a way that doesn't matter about spelling and grammar, and getting the thoughts out seems to be really helping her to feel better.

Fortunately my two kids have so far escaped any mental health issues but my niece does have them. Quite reclusive, not attending school, anxious around people, paranoid. It's very difficult to see in a young person.

Get as much professional help as you possibly can - from school, from your GP, from friends (theirs & yours) and family. Be understanding but also firm and fair.

Interesting reading the comments. I have MH issues and am always slightly worried about my son learning from me. However I also read about depression, anger management and have fortunate enough to go to MIND to understand that I am not perfect and nor will my son be. As for what is normal, well I can't describe that in 5000 words let alone 5 words.

I try to be responsive and warm and listen to.my child we use mindfulness and yoga to help with calmness/well-being...not attracted to using this app..I'm.no interested in comparison of data about families ...it seems a weird concept to be honest.

My older daughter is 5. She tends to be quite anxious (as do I). I try not to rush in with solutions, just give her the chance to express herself freely. When I was a child I felt that I had to present a certain front and I think that made me a mor anxious adult. Hopefully I can help avoid this with my daughters. The younger one seems very relaxed, but she's only a baby!

Unfortunately the help and support for a child struggling with emotional issues varies enormously - as it does for adults :/
We've done a lot of work on emotional literacy so that they can name their feelings and discuss them more easily.

My ds has awful mental health issues and has been let down by Camhs - waiting months and months for an appointment which never happened for example.

As he's 17 school won't talk to me so I just get the crap to deal with.

So from a mental health point of view, I don't know how parents are expected to manage these needs ? It's a specialist area that needs more investment.

My son struggles with anxiety and is a very fair child which would mean he would bend over backwards to give you his last rolo but if he thinks he is being treated at all differently to his brother and sister he can be wild. I struggle a lot with his behaviour as he can be awful, screaming, shouting and stubborn when something hasn't gone his way but I can see by his face he wants to stop, he seems unable to control his emotions. I pray that it will pass in time (though he is seven now and this has been going on for years)

I have looked at your 'app' and completed a questionnaire but as a pp said I don't see what good comparing yourself will do if your already coping with MH issues. Also some o your questions seemed repetitive and therefore confusing.

My (now adult) son has a learning disability so I have always been very aware of his mental health and how small trivial matters can seem like mountains to him. Thankfully we have a good relationship (wish I could say the same for his relationship with his dad) It is all about communication, acceptance and empathy.

Anxiety is his major issues at the moment. We are seeing a psychologist but my approach is to acknowledge his fears and help him use coping strategies to get through these moments. I'm also looking into mindfulness, more for myself, to addresses my own MH issues

I've been reading this thread with interest. I worry a lot about the stresses faced by young people today - with social media, cyber bullying & every event being photographed & shared. It's terrifying to think that children can rarely make a quiet mistake anymore. When I think of the things my friends & I did at school & all the embarrassing mistakes that we made.. everyone talked about it for maybe a week, then it was forgotten. Now, that mistake would have been captured in some way - shared, spread across the night & captured for a long, long time. There's no respite for young people - if they have a hard time at school, they're followed home by it on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram...
I'm very aware of this & worry about how things will be when my son is a teenager. My husband & I both suffer with mental illness, but fortunately this has always been well managed for us both. We're very open about it & will always show our friends, family & eventually, our son, that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
I've read the info on the MyFampal Parent app, but, like others - would want to know the cost before registering. I would be interested to see how it works in practice, but it would be a long while before my son would use this. I would give it a try, particularly if there was a free trial period.

We try and be so open as a family and encourage the children to talk to us and remind them we are always here. Dp is crap at talking though and opening up so I'm worried this will rub off on children.

I do worry about the impact of bullying, and how to handle mean kids/comments, so just advise to ignore it. when it became an issue with 9yo dd I wrote down what the bullies had told her/said to her, and took in to the teacher, who then used it to deal with the girls.

talking about stuff is key, starting from as young as possible, checking in with them - what kind of day did you have/mark it out of ten/ how do you feel and really listening to their answers- what are they not saying?

As a mum of 3 a challenge is spending enough time individually with them, so organising or grabbing moments when they pop up for a hug/chat/countryside walk.

keeping close to the school teacher, making sure all is OK on that side of it, reading the letters from school and making sure all homework is done/reading done/spellings learned/tables practised/packed swim kits etc to give them the reassurance that they won't have forgotten anything, all makes school more enjoyable.

A friend bought me a book about keeping kids safe, and how to tell them the truth appropriate for their age, I always tell them the truth, so they know they can rely on me for a clear answer.

I do like routine too, so they know where they are with stuff.

Thinking about this, I worry an app could get in the way of actually talking to each other; with mental health you need connections between people not tech complicating things

I try to remain calm and 'we can sort this, don't worry approach' even if I feel anything but inside. My son had school phobia at 11 and we trying to sort this along with the school. Eventually professional help was called in, but my son was NOT going back with or without help! Eventually he was home schooled before HE decided in Yr 11 to join a small group of pupils in a unit to prepare for exams. He is now a very happy 26 year old, who still does not know where it began to unravel.

I have been a bit worried about my dd's (21 month) behaviour for several months now. I appreciate it's not uncommon behaviour for a toddler her age yet it still bothers me. She comes from a happy, loving environment but she is oftentimes very aggressive and seems so angry and dissatisfied with everything including me. She lashes out constantly and I find myself feeling despondent after another day of slaps and smacks and kicks and nips. I darent even let her near other children most of the time in case she hurts them (she gets excited by other kids and slaps them with excitement not aggression in this scenario) and I am worried about sending her to nursery next year to be honest.

She also gets very anxious and stressed out whenever she's strapped in her pushchair/high chair/car seat and grips onto the straps and grunts continuously as she pulls her knees up to her chest repeatedly. It looks hard work and she doesn't seem to enjoy it! It really bothers me watching her and nothing I do helps so I usually just have to remove her. I have a history of hormonal and MH issues and I worry that this is indicative of that, too many stress hormones and not enough calming ones. I can't bear the thought of her dealing with anxiety in childhood like I did!

As for how we deal with it, well, all the typical things really. I've read tons of books, articles and online message boards. I use the typical methods of distraction, positive praise and ignore the negative, a firm tone of voice and 'no' when she hits, also small time outs in the cot etc. Nothing has really had an effect and it does upset me to see her so aggressive and unhappy. I just hope that it's normal and she grows out of it without any other problems. I will continue to love and support her with positivity and praise until she does so whilst hopefully establishing boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. She demonstrates kindness and gentle behaviour with her dolls, and strokes and kisses me also, so she has an understanding already. I hope the aggressiveness is just a temporary toddler phase but I've read others' stories where they haven't really grown out of the hitting/screaming/biting/kicking until a couple years into primary school that must be hard to cope with!

I have two children with ASD and ADHD. The hardest thing is lack of support. You get a diagnosis from Camhs, a pat on the back and a ton of leaflets and that's it.

I often say that being an autism parent means you have to be a super human detective. It's so hard to work out why they're acting a certain way. Has something changed at school? Is it hormones? Is it the moon (and yes that does have an effect)? Has the washing powder changed formula and you didn't notice but they did? Or are they just being a child?

I wouldn't want to use an app to compare my child to a 'norm' or even other children. There's a saying: you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism. No two are the same.

Where an app could come in handy is to record changes in behaviour, times when meltdowns happen. Looking back over a month could help you to work out what the trigger is.

When my older DD had some anxiety issues around school, I tried a natural approach, introducing her to yoga and helping her to see her inner beauty. Seemed to work but then her issues were just mild. I would have taken her to the GP if she had become worse.

DC1 is currently with Point1 for anxiety and anger. DC2 is awaiting her referral for suspected ADHD. I'm not sure how well I'm coping with either to tell the truth! I try to remind myself that any negative behaviour is not personal, it's not aimed at me, it's just something they can't help.
I'm not sure the app will benefit us or lots of others in anyway because all families operate differently. No 2 families are the same, no 2 children are the same.

When DD was 13 she had an accident. It left her with issues that meant she was unable to attend school with any regularity for some years, and when she did the school was so unhelpful they would put her into inclusion.
This meant that she never really formed any strong friendships and was emotionally quite immature.
Then, quite suddenly her beloved Grandad died at quite a young age.

DD really wasn't coping. The GP referred her to CAMHS as she had confided thoughts of harming herself. The wait for any type of counselling was ridiculous here and we decided to go private. Fortunately DH had health insurance through work and it covered some sessions for DD.

She had grief counselling, the GP prescribed her antidepressants as well. It's taken a while but at 19 she's finally coming out of herself a little more. She has a new group of friends and for the first time actually goes out. She has a job she loves too. She'll now talk about her Grandad without tears and remember things fondly.
I still think emotionally she's a few years behind where she should be, but she's getting there and thats all that matters.

I am not entirely sure how this is supposed to work but I can see that an app that allows children (rather than caregivers) to 'take control' would be a good thing.
MN is better though.

My ds2 is 7 years old has adhd, autsim, motor tic disorder, attachment difficulties and hyperkinetic disorder, he has been showing signs since he was 2 years old, he has only been diagnosed 4 months. The road to diagnosis was horrendous school were horrendous cahms were great, even my own mum didn't believe me when I said there were things wrong. It has been very hard on all the family including his siblings 1 older 2 younger than him, and now my ds3 who's is 5 years old is becoming difficult not sure if it's the age or seeing the behaviour of his older brother with his issues. His is under control at the moment I don't mean that like it sounds before ei had absolutely no control over him especially when he was having meltdowns but since his medication which was started in may 2016 the difference is phenomenal the whole house is near enough at peace well as peaceful as it's gonna be with 4 boys!!!

What a fantastic idea. I think everyone deals with some sort of behavioural, emotional or mental health issues during childhood.

My eldest son has profound medical and complex special needs and my two younger children are pretty well adjusted because of this. This said we've still had to overcome issues such as bullying, death of a close relative, severe illness and trichotillomania, on top of all the usual anxieties of changing schools, friendships, exams, etc. I would definitely welcome some guidance in these areas, as I'm sure most parents would.