MN Bumpfest: Share your experiences of bonding with your baby straight after birth with other MNers – £50 voucher prize draw NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

In the run up to BumpFest (which will tell you absolutely everything you need to know about being a parent - promise) we’re looking to get a better understanding of the experiences Mumsnetters have had around different issues surrounding childbirth.

If there’s one thing that you can be sure about parenting, it’s that nothing is ever quite how you imagine it would be. We know from past threads, and some of the comments here here that Mumsnetters experience of bonding with their baby in the early days were sometimes less straightforward than they’d anticipated.

If you’re willing to share your stories, we’d love to hear more about your experiences. We’ll be using them to inform our research for BumpFest on the different myths and expectations there are surrounding childbirth and early bonding - thanks so much to those of you who post, we’ll be entering everyone into a draw to win a £50 John Lewis voucher.

Thanks

MNHQ

Having DD was a shock, she was early and to be honest the whole experience overwhelmed me. I always thought I would have pain relief but when it came down to it I was just too scared, I got to the hospital, they told me i was 7cm and I lay on the bed and shut my eyes, I couldn't communicate! I had to be monitored because she had known medical problems but i really cant remember what happened, they told me they had to force my legs open! DD was born and they put her on to my chest but I sort of just looked at her and asked my mom to take her. I was completely horrified that she had come out of me!!! Thankfully my mom gave her me back after 2 minutes and I fed her, the feelings flooded into me.
The first night was wierd, I couldn't sleep - I lay watching her all night, couldn't believe she was mine. I still have her in my room every night by choice and she's 3 :) I worry about her a lot and I don't know why.

With DS I had an amazing water birth, he floated up to me and I was the first to hold him, that was so special. I felt like i recognised him, like id known him forever and felt so comfortable with him. The first night he slept through all night and so did I, I didn't worry about him like I did with DD, he had a completely different feel and I wasn't worried in the slightest. Unfortunately that was the only night he slept through in 18 months!!!

Even now I regret not wanting to hold my DD, I was wayyyyyy too overwhelmed. It hasn't affected us I'm just very over protective of her, I love my kids the same but I feel like I've had my DS forever, and im still getting to know my DD even though she's 19 months older than him - don't know what that means.

Both experiences have been life affirming for me.

Baby 1 was born after a fast 5 hour labour and came into the world struggling to breathe so needed a little help, it was hard to feel helpless and watch her from the corner of the room from afar getting help, but once she was given the all clear just to hold her was amazing. That night I didn't once take my eyes off her, the room had a strange atmosphere to it, a buzz, like life was beginning before my eyes.

Baby 2 was an even quicker 1 hour labour, my DH missed the birth as he had gone home not expecting it to happen (not was I!). It was strangely liberating though to labour on my own, baby cried whilst his body was born and he was passed straight to me and fed straight away. Those cuddles will stay with me forever. As I laboured alone the lovely midwife asked me if I wanted to cut the cord myself - wow, this was amazing... And then we were left alone for about half an hour (a busy night!), but the best half an hour ever, we called daddy (who was astounded baby was here) and we said our private hello, just me and my son

Makes me want more!!

I had a pretty straightforward birth at the maternity ward in a brilliant west London hospital. The labour was definitely nothing I expected as the experience was something from a horror and painful movie.

But after all that horrible experience, once my daughter was born vaginally I couldn't really recollect all the pain I had just gone thru for over 5hrs. I was on such a high I needed someone to pinch me and say no it's for real.

She looked so much like a miniature me and every little bit of her was perfect. I was so tired and exhausted I fell asleep whilst getting stitched and woke up to a slight cry of a hungry baby and was shocked as they brought her back on my chest for a feed.

I couldn't believe such a tiny thing at 2.9kg could have the strength to suck and feel up her tummy. She had no problem latching on fortunately for me and I think my fat, black, chunky nipples helped a lot too. I loved the way she took her time to stare at me and stroke my breast with her tiny fingers and couldn't still believe it was all so surreal.

But at that moment I knew I was surely blessed and so grateful she chose me to be her mummy. As I knew this was the start to an ever glorious journey together for the rest of our lives full of laughter, tears, cuddles, kisses and much more.

I still feel guilty that the birth of DS1 was so sad. We found out at 34 weeks that we lost his twin brother. It's all a bit hazy but I remember discussing having a cs with the consultant, and being told it would be done the following morning to give the steroid injections time to work. That was the most awful night of our lives. We had no idea what had happened, or if DS would survive. When he was delivered, I sobbed as they pulled him out, kicking and screaming (the best noise ever!). I got a few moments of skin to skin before he was taken to Scbu, and I remember him looking up at me before closing his eyes. I fell in love immediately.

DS2 had a less dramatic birth. My waters broke at midnight, and after a lot of pain, pushing, cutting (ow!) and screaming he arrived 10 hours later. He fed almost immediately, and made the best snuffly noises. I kept kissing his headand it all just clicked. I couldn't bear to put him down, and spent all of the first night stressed to bits as we didn't have a name for him!

I felt that the birth (and pregnancy) were really nothing to do with me - the idea of having 'done well' or 'worked' was completely bizarre, ds just grew and then was born out of me like an arrow (fast labour) and I was irrelevant; once he was there it was clearly my job to look after him and I was happy to do that, but there wasn't any huge emotion involved. I was standing up when he was born and wasn't able to hold him straight away, we had a bit of time together when nothing much happened then I had to be stitched in theatre so dh had him for that time. Breastfeeding was always a bit of a mystery to both of us and after a less than successful 5 months of mixed feeding we knocked it on the head.

I seem to be a lot more casual as a parent than many of my peers, and I wonder if in fact we ever bonded that strongly? When he was tiny he was a good sleeper in the first half of the night and sitting downstairs I could successfully forget I had a baby at all - I gather other parents check on their children regularly through the evening - this never occurred to me. If he stays with a friend or away for a few days I don't really miss him, though I do think about him.

When I experience bonding-type emotions, it's usually in a negative context. When he was two, we were in a shop, I was negotiating the door with a pushchair, ds ahead of me; and a kind person opened the door for me and ds sprinted out of the shop and straight into the very busy road outside. The sound that came out of me was like nothing I've ever uttered before or since. (He was fine). I also feel an intensely complete failure as a parent on a regular basis and have thought sometimes that we would all be better off dead rather than face what feels like ds's inevitably terrible adulthood since he has not had the love he deserves.

In my more sane moments, I do know that I love him and I'm actually a good parent at times but I don't know if what I feel for him is typical or really 'maternal'.

My son was born under-weight and 'disappeared'. He was put in a special baby unit which I needed permission to get into. Not a good start, I did breast feed which helped but I was desperate to get home and start feeling he was mine.

With my first baby I did find it hard to bond. I didn't get that rush of love initially and found her hard work. I think it was to do with being young with no family support close by. With my second child I felt a bond immediately. I think I knew what to expect which helped!

I gave birth within two hours so it was a fairly intense experience! My first thought, when they placed my beautiful daughter on me, was that I had prepared for over nine months for the pregnancy and for childbirth but had not considered that once they were over, I would have a child to look after! I know that sounds silly but as I looked down at my daughter for the first time the overwhelming sense of how utterly responsible I was for another human being really hit me. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I promised there and then to try to never let her down. Now she is nearly 11 and I allow myself the fact that nobody is perfect and that everybody makes mistakes sometimes but that initial promise has led to us having the most incredible bond that I truly hope will last forever.

I struggled with my first born - it was a 3 day labour and my mum had come to stay. She told my husband not to stay at the hospital with us so only an hour after he was born I was on my own. He wouldn't sleep and I was shattered. He didn't sleep for more than 2 hours when he was born till 18 weeks and my hubby was away a lot as he is a soldier - that was when I could have done with my mums help but she refused. But I still look back with fondness on those times as they grow so quick. The first time I felt that overwhelming love was when we watched Disneys Tarzan - he was still so small and the song seemed very apt - it's still our song now

i never did for months !!!
week slow labour, 7 hrs active to have labour stopped for 5 hrs to wait for emergency c section. I barely remember family arriving to see myself and son , night from hell being stuck and jabbed and flooding the bed. I didnt feel even 20 hrs later id slept when in fact id slept for about 12 hrs minus interruptions.
They 6 weeks post c , haematoma, 3 months post c, body rejected stitches internally. First 3/4 months were hellish and my husband did so much for our son i know they bonded like i should of. Hes 6 now and we very close but i know i missed out on precious times

I would have loved more than one but my sons birth was amazing I had a homebirth and it was pretty easy and lovely and relaxed. I love breast feeding and probably held him too much but I wouldn't change it

I had a horrible birth with DD1, induced followed by crash Caesarian under general anaesthetic. Was still in theatre an hour after she was born so when finally got to hold her felt like was someone else's baby! Poorly over next few days so hubby did most of feeds/changes while I still in hospital. Took about a week for that 'surge' of love to kick in but great when it did. She closer to my hubby though I think as a result of those first few hours/ days when he was doing skin to skin etc coz I was so out of it.
Totally different natural birth with DD2. Minute she was born, put on my chest and breast fed, felt so happy that moment & definite rush of love! she was a much more fractious baby though than her sister despite what she'd been through. Really struggled to feed her enough myself & as a result ended up with PND after 18 months of broken nights! Love them both to bits now though.

With all 3 of my girls it was love at first site, I chose to have all 3 passed to me before anyone else in the room, didn't even want the midwives to touch them first so when I knew I was right at the last part I held my arms down ready.
I hear about how some Mum's struggle to bond and guess it must be really hard for all involved but that's something that never bothered me, I am struggling however to bond with a very stroppy hormonal (nearly) Teen.
Babies are clearly the easy bit!!

I was lucky with both my girls, immediate skin to skin and breastfeeding. its tough for the first weeks no matter what your birth experience- the tireness and feeding and changing is relentless but once that passes, its amazing and so special.

I had my baby by elective csection because he was breech. We immediately had skin to skin contact and I fed him straight away. The most bonding experience of my life was those first few weeks of breastfeeding, when he was feeding almost constantly. I fed him for 18 months in the end and I feel that the bond we have now is down to that.

I had an emergency section. It was all a bit stressful but DH and I cried as soon as we heard our baby cry. We couldn't hold her straight away as she was whisked off for some tests but they brought her back for DH to hold while I was being stitched up and he fell madly in love with her.
By the following morning when the drugs wore off I was madly in love too and I think that keeps growing stronger as does the enormous sense of responsibility!
I'm a bit sad I couldn't cuddle my baby skin to skin straight after birth but it hasn't stopped us bonding at all.

Reading some of these is making me quite emotional!

I was induced and then had an emergency c-section under GA at 9.30 in the evening. My son was in SCBU (he had had the chord twice round his neck and was very blue and floppy when born). I woke up at 2.00 am (I was having 15 minute observations taken and woke up during one of them) to find a photo of my son being held by my husband together with a note from him saying he had now gone home but would be back early in the morning. It was early next morning when DS was brought up to me to visit. As soon as they put him in my arms I felt this overwhelming rush of love for him - but I think I also worried the nurse as I burst out laughing as my son looked so much like my husband's baby photographs. I was devastated when they wheeled him back to SCBU but he was allowed up on to the ward later in the morning. I couldn't believe how quickly I learned to pick out his cry when I left him in the nursery so I could go for a shower - and how I felt when I heard it. There was just this feeling I had to go to him and comfort him no matter what. DD was a planned c-section under GA and I woke up after an hour (DD having been with DH all of the time) - I also had an immediate rush of love with her.

With DD1, it took a long time to bond. The birth was horrible, a no pain relief forceps delivery, followed by missing that 'golden hour' (Dh had her) whilst in theatre being stitched back together. I was pleased she was out and healthy but I was in too much pain to really be excited. And I was terrified wondering what an earth to do with her.

DD1 was beautiful but looked like she could have been anyone's child, nothing at all like me or my family at all. Breast feeding wasn't the great bonding experience I'd hoped it would be either. It was painful, then excruciating, so I stopped after 8 weeks and felt 'The Guilt' for ages afterwards.

The first glimmers of bonding started when she started to smile around 3 weeks, but it wasn't that immediate rush of love that some people talk about. It really was a very gradual thing, it took a while but is very strong now. Looking back I suspect I had post natal depression too which probably didn't help.

DD2 was born by elective section. They lifted her up and I thought 'Oh hello you, I know you already'. She was the spitting image of my mum. DD2 wasn't a pretty baby (sorry mum!) in fact quite the opposite, but I bonded with her from the first moment I saw her. She has grown into her face now, still looks like my mum, and is of course beautiful. I didn't bf her longer than the first week but our bond was and is still very strong.

I had a C-section as I'm so small there was simply nowhere for DD to go during labour. Due to health issues I don't take Ibuprofen so they only put me on Paracetamol after the op. But first, straight after the op, I was on Pethadine, which didn't really help the pain but made me feel emotionally numb. All I felt after the op was pain. So very much pain. I just couldn't see through it.

I barely held DD after the C-section and afterwards in hospital I felt nothing for her; except an overwhelming responsibility. I just couldn't understand how women just fell in love with their babies as soon as they saw them. It certainly didn't happen to me.
That quickly turned into seeing her as a burden once I got home and that turned into panic then Post Natal Depression. I just wanted her to disappear. Just to never have been. I didn't actually want to hurt her, I just didn't want her. I'd never been in so much pain and she was awake ALL night EVERY night. I needed to rest to recover and I just couldn't. Paracetamol is just not enough after a C-section. So it was impossible for me to bond with her; I saw her as a parasite, nothing more.

In my more lucid moments I felt awful about that and SO guilty. I didn't share it with anyone at the time as she was a planned baby so how on earth could I be feeling this way? Surely it was wrong and unnatural. Right??
I struggled hugely to breast feed but can be very stubborn so pushed through with it.

Again with the feeling of overwhelming responsibility. That made me seek help for breastfeeding, and joining a new mum's support group saved me. It helped me see the light and things started to get better after that. I even got prescribed anti-depressants which really helped.

Even so, it took about 4-5 months to really bond with her.
I would NEVER tell her any of this as we now, several years, and a second DD later, have a wonderful and very close relationship. She is a super special person and I love both of my kids dearly. But those first few weeks and months were truly awful and I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone.

The midwife laid my firstborn across my chest, facing away from me. I did not yet know the gender. I was about to ask permission to turn the baby over, when the awesome realisation hit me: this was my child - I did not have to ask anyone's permission!

I turned the baby over and we made eye-contact. Then the next bombshell hit me: you are mine and I am yours forever. It was not love, it was connection, the bond.

I still did not know the gender. Eventually I moved the cord and discovered that we had a son.

My first feeling after that was overwhelming love for my dh.

I only realised that I loved ds about 10 days later, when I saw him cry in another person's arms. My inner lioness reared up!