MN Bumpfest: Share your experiences of bonding with your baby straight after birth with other MNers – £50 voucher prize draw NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

In the run up to BumpFest (which will tell you absolutely everything you need to know about being a parent - promise) we’re looking to get a better understanding of the experiences Mumsnetters have had around different issues surrounding childbirth.

If there’s one thing that you can be sure about parenting, it’s that nothing is ever quite how you imagine it would be. We know from past threads, and some of the comments here here that Mumsnetters experience of bonding with their baby in the early days were sometimes less straightforward than they’d anticipated.

If you’re willing to share your stories, we’d love to hear more about your experiences. We’ll be using them to inform our research for BumpFest on the different myths and expectations there are surrounding childbirth and early bonding - thanks so much to those of you who post, we’ll be entering everyone into a draw to win a £50 John Lewis voucher.

Thanks

MNHQ

It was harder to bond straightaway with my second child immediately after birth because I was so worried about my other son at home. I wish I had been able to focus solely on my newborn and leave my eldest in his father's capable hands.

I had two forceps deliveries, the first left ds very bruised, but I fell for him the second he was plonked in my arms, despite the 3 day labour and fairly brutal birth!
Dd was only a 14 hr labour, but it took me a whilewhile (few weeks) to recognise and fall for her, I wouldn't say we are less bonded than ds and I though :)

Is say it took me a year to fully bond with DD. I'm not ashamed of this. I loved her and found her extraordinary and wonderful and a source of delight and wonder but it took a long time for the overwhelming, all consuming, amazing love that I feel now to come. I wonder if all this was because the birth was conducted in Chinese with lots of discussion and then an announcement in English about what would happen next. I felt very disconnected to the birth. It also took a lom time for bf to not feel like agony and she was jaundiced so was on a strict 2 hrly feeding cycle for about a week. Then once she was 16 weeks she slept for 45 mins at a time until about 8 months. I was on my knees. None of it was her fault of course.

Ds was a text book easy birth which had been proceeded by a very stressful 3 months moving country at 3 weeks notice, buying a house etc. I felt OVERWHELMING love the second I saw him and was smitten. Yes bfing still hurt, no his sleep wasn't great (didn't sleep through until 12 momths) but I was so much surer on what I was doing and much more relaxed. Plus I was much clearer on what was non negotiable (no feeding to sleep) and what didn't matter (co slept from birth).

I have had two babies now 3 and 6yrs old. I found I bonded with both my little ones very easily. I had very long labours and very sore afterwards. Although I breast fed both of them I did find this time both relaxing and rewarding too. Till 16mths and 18mths, I was more relaxed with my second child but as he was now the youngest and needed more of my time I did feel my eldest slowly prefered her daddy time to mummy time. I found this hard to accept being her home carer while daddy was at work. But thankfully it has all changed now with the gaving grown from toddlers to little people they demand my time equally and no one has any favourite parent as such. Both children come to us both for comfort, support, play and fun.

DD1- 6.5 hour labour, felt like I was out of control and had pethadine 20 minutes before I had her, so I was out of it- we both slept for the first 12 hours- yet breast fed etc. I felt shell shocked and it took a few days to adjust- more for me to understand whay happened in the birth. The birth was vagina,l 2 stiches, no complications so not that bad but I feel the pethadine made everything confused in my head.

DD2- 90 minute labour- no pethadine, Gas and Air and I enjoyed the birth (not the pain but felt very in control) despite the midwife not believing I was in labour and nearly sending me home 10 minutes before I delieverd. Everyone bar me was surprised- yet I knew my body. I bonded immediately and it was far easier.

I had a great birth and bonded with my daughter straight away. Breastfeeding worked straight away as it should and we were all very happy!

After all the scaremongering during pregnancy, when breastfeeding wasn't working, I was terrified that I wouldn't bond as well with DD.

Turned out to be rubbish; she's formula fed and we are so close :) I can't imagine the bond would've been any better had I breastfed. My labour was pretty good but long - 3 day induction! - but the second she was born, it was like it had passed in a heartbeat, and she was mine and thankfully the bond was instant :)

With DD1, I was induced at 36 weeks for IUGR. I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. I had a forceps delivery with a nerve block for the episiotomy (I hadn't needed/had time for any other analgesia, because it all happened pretty quickly) when she became distressed. My first words after she was born were, "Oh, Fuck!" My sense of relief was much greater than joy or love for tiny DD1, but when the fear & relief subsided, I was filled with love and just holding or looking at her made me smile.
With DD2 I felt much more prepared and calm. It was a very easy delivery and I was able to enjoy it much more. I felt a much more relaxed happiness with DD2.
I bonded with both of them straight away, with equal love and joy, but differently.

I took a while to bond with mine - I was protective but not gushing with love - more proud that I'd done it and in awe

First baby was emergency section, I didn't get to hold her for an hour, I just did what I was told by midwives. I struggled to breastfeed, I was unable to walk properly for months and my mental health suffered.

Second baby was another section (was attempted vbac) I knew what i wanted and made sure I got it. I felt in control despite the section. She was in my arms within seconds and skin to skin, at the breast, within minutes even though I was high as a kite on pain relief. I had sorted post-birth support before the birth and it was invaluable. Breastfeeding was a breeze. I feel a closeness to dd2 that I never felt with dd1 ( who will of course NEVER hear me say it or act it)

I was very lucky. Although I had a rubbish induction and emergency c-section, I had skin-to-skin with my son as soon as he'd been checked over and I felt we bonded immediately although it has certainly strengthened and deepened over the months (and now years) since.

I only hope I can have that same deep bond with my second child as I did with my first.

I want to say that I know people who found that journey much tougher but DID get there in the end. Don't beat yourself up if early parenthood isn't exactly like you imagined it - I don't mean it to sound patronising, I really don't.

Every single post is completely different. Women should read this thread/ be told this , so that they know it is ok.

I can't remember when mine happened, when my live 'kicked in', for either ds's, but I know it sure has!! But I know it wasn't instant.

Ds1 was emcs. Dh held him for the first few hours. I remember waking and screaming with fear because I didn't know where I was and I wanted to know where my baby was.
I was in hospital for a week re my diabetes. When I got home, I had no idea what I was doing and I think I was so tired from getting up to fed him all the time that I was almost resentful.

Ds2 was also emcs. I was also in hospital for a week. He screamed and screamed almost all night for the first 5 months or so.
But I did breast feed them both. And I remember sitting in the rocking chair, looking at the trees, at dawn, with ds2 feeding away. And thinking that I'd never felt so happy.

I was exhausted after a terrible labour, plus stunned and overwhelmed that an actual baby had come out of me, after having bonded fantastically with my bump. In my case there was no rush of love or immediate euphoric infatuation. Instead the feeling straight after birth was merely a solemn sense of obligation, duty and the fierce need to protect my DS (my first child). So I guess you could describe that as a bond of sorts. And I did think he was an astonishingly beautiful baby. Despite this, it took well over a year before I would have called my feelings towards my DS "love". I had PTSD and PND as well which didn't help.

After my first child was born I had the clichéd rush of overwhelming love. I couldn't stop looking at him and barely put him down. It was like he and I were in a little bubble.

When I was expecting my second child I was looking forward to the same thing again. Only this labour was so fast, just an hour start to finish with no pain relief. I felt quite in shock and overwhelmed. My baby was passed to me straight away without being wiped or wrapped and I was horrified. In the hours that followed I felt upset and ashamed that I hadn't had the immediate bond that I had with ds. I didn't tell anyone and threw myself into being functional and perfect, it was just a front. It took weeks if not months to fall in love with my dd but I never told anyone. We got there in the end though.

My bond with my daughter during pregnancy was minimal - I suffered severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum and was so focused on surviving I didn't really have a chance to be excited about the baby that was coming - in fact there were several points where I wished the baby wasn't coming after all. I had a long and difficult labour - three days before being transferred to hospital via ambulance for an emergency c section. I felt traumatised by my birth and was very protective of my daughter though I wouldn't say I felt the rush of love immediately - I was exhausted. I had to ask several times over my hospital stay for help with breast feeding although I'm glad I did so as I think it helped our bond initially. Following the trauma of my birth and from having HG, I think the bond with my daughter took months to strengthen. I was incredibly protective of her (I felt uncomfortable when anyone else but DH held her) but realistically this was as a result of trauma rather than purely due to mother/daughter love. She's two now and our bond is strong and healthy, we are each other's favourite person. If I could offer advice it would be to say don't worry if the bond isn't there immediately, it will come and it will strengthen as you get to know and love each other. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood are hard, hard work, but worth every minute.

I had an emergency c section so everything pre birth was a bit fraught.
Post birth - I still remember to this day (16 years later) that first skin on skin feeling and the immediate rush of pure emotion. Love at first sight and still feel the same today

I felt an overwhelming sense of live for ds whilst he was still inside me. I used to talk to him all the time. We bonded instantly (not quite instantly, I was whisked away into surgery under a general anaesthetic for four hours).

Planned c-section to deliver dd under much safer conditions made me feel very helpless. I was left alone in a side room with DH whilst the midwife sorted things out post surgery but I couldn't relax. My head was a mess. No one explained that she wouldn't open her eyes like ds did and I knew we would be moved. If I had been told 'you're in here for an hour or so then we will take you up to the ward' it would have been better. She didn't ever stop feeding or crying either, she's 3 now and rarely stops eating or chatting too!

Love. Not live. Really need to hit preview on my phone!

I talked to DD a lot while shes was in me even though half the time I was convinced she was a boy. I forgot all thoughts of her being a boy and bonded with her straightaway. I couldn't believe she was mine and spent the first night staring at her in awe and disbelief (which I still do from time to time- 22months now). I found breast-feeding to be the most natural thing and such a breeze that I didn't want to give it up even when we stopped at 16 months. Everyone kept saying they couldnt believe she was my first.

I had quite a long traumatic labour/delivery with DS and barely got to look at him before the bleeding and stitching started. It took around 36 hours for him to BF and he then had jaundice and was read mitred to hospital 3 days after we came home. I didn't feel a wave of love at all, due to PND I didn't realise I loved him until he was around 5-6 months old.
I now have a fantastic bond with him at 5 years old but it took at least 12-18 months for me to really feel like I was his mummy and I was meant for him, luckily he's now my little sidekick
The thing i wish someone had told me is it happens differently for everyone, some people have a tidal wave others have the surf lapping at their feet gradually getting closer and higher and that's it's ok to be one of the people it takes longer for, it's certainly nothing to feel guilty about.

Forgot to mention I'm now 18 wks with number 2 so it didn't put me off forever!

I lost y firstborn to stillbirth and when my second son was born the bonding was instant and somewhat painful as I was so afraid and paranoid just 1 year after the loss of his brother.
It was a different story with my third (a daughter), I just could not bond with her, I thought at first it was because she was a girl ( clinical psychologist warned me about gender disappointment following child loss and having the opposite gender baby to the one lost making the loss more pronounced. My 4th was also a girl but I bonded with her instantly despite having some gender disappointment issues during the pregnancy but it was very brief.
My 5th is a boy and I had no problems bonding with him, although I'd say my most overwhelming and immediate bonding experience was with my second (and now eldest) son.

I was caught out by the baby blues which lasted well over a week and I would say I was really very down. It did worry me at the time. However, at no point did I worry about bond. I had an overwhelming nurture instinct and was totally obsessed with him from the off.
The blues gradually subsided after a few weeks.

I was pretty lucky with my 2. My dh got to take 3 weeks off each time so I did get to do a lot of skin to skin / cuddling.
It wasn't one sudden rush of feeling with them the second I saw them like you see in movies. With my first I felt like I was babysitting and he would get sent back to his 'real' parents any day. Within days I was completely head over heals in love with them both and at 2y and 8m now I seem to love them more than humanly possible with each passing day.
I was very career minded before I had them and have been lucky enough not to have gone back to work which was totally unexpected.

Skin to skin contact gives you that special bond straight after birth, I did that with both my Children.
I was a little nervous about getting topless the first time but then I released the midwifes and doctors have seen it all before!