MN Bumpfest: Share your experiences of bonding with your baby straight after birth with other MNers – £50 voucher prize draw NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

In the run up to BumpFest (which will tell you absolutely everything you need to know about being a parent - promise) we’re looking to get a better understanding of the experiences Mumsnetters have had around different issues surrounding childbirth.

If there’s one thing that you can be sure about parenting, it’s that nothing is ever quite how you imagine it would be. We know from past threads, and some of the comments here here that Mumsnetters experience of bonding with their baby in the early days were sometimes less straightforward than they’d anticipated.

If you’re willing to share your stories, we’d love to hear more about your experiences. We’ll be using them to inform our research for BumpFest on the different myths and expectations there are surrounding childbirth and early bonding - thanks so much to those of you who post, we’ll be entering everyone into a draw to win a £50 John Lewis voucher.

Thanks

MNHQ

I had a horrible, long and drawn out labour which culminated in an emergency c-section. When first presented with the baby I wasn't as elated as if thought I would be, partly, I think because I hadn't felt the birth I wasn't really aware that he had been born. The anaesthetic made throw up, a lot, and when you're stuck on an operating table you can't throw up anywhere other than in your hair. Also the baby looked absolutely nothing like me. I don't mean he looked more like his dad or was a bit squashed, he's a different race to me. The baby also screamed pretty much incessantly for four days.

All of this meant that for the first few days I felt like I was just going through the motions, but once he was about a week old, I looked at him one morning and just fell completely and utterly in love, and fall in love more every single day.

Ds was an emcs after an almost cancelled scan at 34 weeks.

He was small for gestation and was taken straight to nicu. I sent dp with him but didn't get to see him for a few hours. The lovely nicu staff took and printed a photo for me though which was really nice. I felt like it was all happening to someone else though and didn't get the talked about rush of love.

I didn't get to hold him other than for 'cares' and really worried about bonding. I was discharged after 2 days and gobby sil came to see me just before I left and whittered on about how awful it is, you'll not be able to bond, you should demand to stay etc. I couldn't stay, our hospital has no provision.

Dp drove me home and any worries I had about our bond disappeared, I felt an overwhelming surge of love and literally ached to be with him.

I have 5 DC and had HG in each pregnancy. This was so severe with DC5, that I was certain that I wouldn't be able to love her, I felt so unwell and detached from the pregnancy.

With DC2, my labour was awful and the pain relief I had made me vomit immediately after birth and feel as though I might pass out, so I had to almost throw DD to DH, just as she was being passed to me. She was jaundiced so we had to stay in hospital for a few days and I was so traumatised by the labour that I cried the whole time. Bonding with her was a different experience than with the others.

Overall though, I do feel as though it was pretty much immediate with all of the DC. It's such a strange feeling holding a little person in your arms who you love beyond words but have just met and know nothing about yet.

what you expect is always different to what really happens, it all depends on you after the birth, if you have had pethidine injections like i did, then it is hard because you are drugged, I had long labours with all 4, and had pethidine with first 3, i was very tired and not very responsive after birth and i missed those first quality few hours, i had no skin to skin contact, and just wanted the babies to stay in their cots while 1 rested. the nurses did not really promote any contact either and most of what i learned was from reading books and internet pages.

but baby 4 was different, i had no pedthine just gas and air, i was not sure what to expect but i had lovely skin to skin contact and she took to the breast straightaway, she did not cry and just stared at me and me back at her, I still treasure those first few minutes, they were the best. I am close to all chidren but my youngest now 4 still likes to put her hands on my tummy, especially at bed time, i think it does help with
bonding.

I stayed awake all night watching him, holding him, feeding him, walking with him and telling him about our home and our dreams for him. I have a really vivid memory of him sleeping in his bedside cot, stirring and getting hiccups. My heart completely melted, I scooped him up and held him close, feeling his tiny, precious body hiccuping away. It was just so special and I was overwhelmed with emotions because finally, after years of hoping and trying and loss, there he was...our baby, our son, in my arms, so small, so vulnerable and so perfect. I felt so blessed and still do.

The bond for dd was instant for me and despite a relatively easy birth, I was separated from her around an hour afterwards due to post birth surgery which nearly cost me my life.

I saw her around 2 hours later and the love was instant. Even in my sleep deprived haze when I come out of surgery, the midwife said my baby was hungry and could they feed her and I immediately went on the defensive asking why she wasn't in recovery with me now to feed her. Within minutes, dp appeared at my side with dd and they managed to express colostrum off for me to syringe feed her. She slept on my for a couple of hours then.

I instantly fell in love with her and I really enjoyed skin to skin straight after birth. I regret not doing more skin to skin but we did constantly hold her as I wanted to keep her close. That first night in hospital I didn't sleep at all, I just watched her all night!

My daughter was born, cried for a millisecond, then look almost as if she was looking round the room. We placed her on my chest and that was it. She fell asleep and cuddled me :)
I'm lucky that I felt that bond instantly.

I had c sections and didn't bf much. Bonding for me came gradually as I believe it often does in any case, but particularly with the first, as I was hospitalised for a good part of their first few months. I used to stop what I was doing, refuse to do anything else and let them nap on me. It was rest for both of us, smelling each other.

Things like baby baths were stressful to me and baby massage groups etc didn't exist where I lived. So it was back to basic cuddles, naps, watching them, allowing myself to relax and fall in love.

It was admittedly easier when they started smiling and recognising me.

My key piece of advice to mums to be is sometimes the rush doesn't happen. You just slowly fall in love, and it's a beautiful experience, no less valid than the rush. Maybe even more intense in the long term. I wouldn't know. But you do get there in the end if you allow yourself to take it slowly.

Another one sad that she could not hold her children at first (both prem and in NICU). DD1 died (Dtwins) and quite frankly, I am pleased to say that I have a good bond with DD2 given the start we had. It was instantaneous even though I could not hold her. DD3 helped me heal a little as I was able to hold her straight away and actually be awake whilst she was born.

I was one of the mind who bonded whilst baby was inside. I was so amazed when no1 was born that I spent the first night just watching her sleep. Unfortunately I was unable to breast feed and although the professionals supported me I felt like the world's worst mother. I didn't even want to go out because I thought everyone would know!

I took a little while to bond with my second baby as I was so exhausted and in shock from a very speedy birth. I didn't feel safe to hold her after the first few minutes/initial feed as my arms shook so much. This was really different to my first so I really didn't expect it.
It took a couple of days in the midwife run post natal unit for me to feel fully connected to her following the birth.

I found it harder to bond with my first baby as I was re admitted to hospital with a haemorrhage and as my husband couldn't stay in hospital with me I struggled to have my son there. I couldn't change him as I had so many drips in my hands and I couldn't breastfeed as I was anaemic. I found it very distressing attar time but it hasn't affected the strong bond that we formed when I was back home and continue to enjoy now. With my second child things were easier and we did bond better although I have as good a relationship with both of them so I don't think it would be fair to say this has impacted us now.

I didn't feel that immediate love with either of my girls.
With Dd1 it ended up being a bit traumatic at the end, a very short pushing stage and a baby born completely unresponsive. She was taken away pretty fast and in NICU for the first day. She was fine but it probably didn't help. My body was very battered and bruised and I was utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. Feeding was horrible and so distressing for weeks. We did sort it all out but I'd say it was at least 8 weeks before I could say I loved her. I just sort of knew that I did rather than feeling it.
DD2 was a textbook labour and she went straight to the breast. It was a very different experience, much less stress and I was well in myself in less than a week. It still took weeks for the love to come.
I was glad both times that I'd read enough to know that it was quite normal.

I cannot begin to do justice describing the mixture of emotions that followed both of my births but I felt everything from elated to exhausted to terrified but ultimately just so grateful that they were both safe and well.

I really do believe I felt a rush of love for them immediately, even after my slightly less easy second birth, once the shock had worn off that she was actually here I was so happy I could have burst.

I did skin to skin with both my daughters and breast fed them almost immediately, the first time for an hour the second birth for much less.

First baby - I remember staring deep into his eyes, the dark pools that they were and drinking him in. I then felt guilt as he was taken unnecessarily into special care. But once he was back after 12 hours I just held and cuddled him. I remember lying in the hospital bed with him in the crib feeling he wasn't close enough to be. I felt that way when we brought him home and used a Moses basket at night. I fought the instinct to Jeep him close and as per the books kept trying to put him in his cot, nearly killing myself from exhaustion (reflux unsettled baby).

My second baby arrived quickly. I remember her screaming immediately after being born and thinking it was the most beautiful noise in the world (same with ds actually). I remember her curled up on my tummy while we waited for her cord to finish pulsing before cutting it. She then had a feed. She felt so warm and soft and beautiful. After she was cleaned up and weighed, we had a cuddle then she pooed all over me I didn't fight my instinct and coslept from day one. Some of my best newborn memories are of her cuddled up against me.

I loved my babies from day one. The love gets stronger. My youngest is 2 and I'm falling in love with her more as she gets older. The same happened with my oldest at around this age - like a big leap in love.

Dd had shoulder dystocia and her heart rate dropped really low which resulted in an emergency birth. Lots of people rushing into the room, her being manually manipulated out. We were both incredibly shell shocked, but the moment I looked at her face I was completely lost. I definitely had that instant rush of love, but it didn't feel like it at the time because all my brain kept telling me was that I'd always loved her and every moment in my life had been leading to her. That sounds like such gushy wank, and I can't believe I'm sharing it with the vipers, but that's how it felt for me

I think a lot of it had to do with the how the staff cared for us. They still, in all the panic, made sure that we had our wish that my DP would tell me the sex and I got to have a quick cuddle with her before they checked her over. Once they'd made sure she was fine they gave her to me to have skin to skin. Unfortunately it didn't last long because I got dizzy through the blood loss, but they really made it a priority, which I appreciated.

I actually ended up with PND after dd was born. It was strange because my two biggest fears about becoming a parent were that I wouldn't bond with my baby and that I would experience PND, and I thought the two went hand in hand. Not that people who didn't instantly bond with their baby would get PND, but that most, if not all, people who experience PND would not have bonded with babies. If that makes sense?! How wrong was I? I could not have felt closer to dd but I still got it anyway.

With DS I was worried that where I had felt that rush of love with dd, I wouldn't with him and that I would feel awful and guilty. I also wondered how/whether having and ELCS would effect how I felt about my baby. But the moment I heard him cry I was in tears. I couldn't hold him for a while, obviously, which was hard but I still felt very connected to him.

One thing I have struggled with is that I just don't have the time for DS that I had with DD. I used to spend hours just staring at her and I don't have the time with him

I was induced on the antenatal ward and then the labour ward was too full to take me. I was pretty stressed, only G&A and I tore. Not a happy birth, although I know mine was far better than many.
By the time DD came along, I felt detached/
I found breastfeeding very difficult and ended up ff after about 2 weeks, I felt a failure.
The HVs didn't bother with me after the initial check, and forgot to invite me to postnatal groups. I felt very unwanted by everyone and was aware that I wasn't bonding well with DD. But didn't know how to get help.
I went through the motions, she was well cared for, but she was always a Daddy's Girl and I was very much second best.
It broke my heart that she would reach for him, sit on his lap, smile for him.
She's 6 now and I'm just starting to feel an unbreakable blind of love between us.

All 3 of my children have been whipped away to be checked /taken to SCBU so I have never experienced immediate skin-to-skin. My middle child was the only one not taken to SCBU so his birth was the closest to it.

I've always felt a rush of love for them, but it is felt alongside a 'DH you hold them, let me sit here for a few minutes and let my head catch up with my body'.

I think this is because DD1, had cord round her neck and needed antibiotics so the final few minutes in the room had a panicked atmosphere.
DS1 was born in 45mins and was distressed. There was talk of forceps and I was seconds away from having them. There were a lot of people in the room and again it felt urgent.
DD2 got stuck and had her shoulder broken to get her out. I narrowly avoided a c-section (not that I cared, I just wanted her to be ok) and there were people holding my legs, pushing on my belly and pulling on the baby....it felt manic and panicked and scary.

It's no wonder I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts!

I struggled to bond with DS to begin with. He was born via emergency CS, after getting to 5cm dilated before discovering he was footling breech. I remember afterwards just thinking "what the hell just happened?". I had a strong urge to care for him, but no rush of love, it felt like he was some one else's baby.

He was not an easy baby, he had a tongue tie which meant feeds would take 1-2 hours and leave me sore and him unsatisfied, and he had colic and very poor weight gain. At one point, when he was about a week old, I was convinced he hated me, as all he did was cry! I remember crying all over DH one night that DS clearly hated me, and that it was my fault as he somehow knew that he'd been unplanned and I'd had mixed feelings initially about the pregnancy... Just crazy stuff. Although I didn't feel strong love for him though, I was acutely anxious about him and terrified of anything happening to him - the strength if those feelings took me by surprise, even in an exhausted state I found it hard to sleep for worrying about him.

The love came gradually, and I remember when he was about 6 weeks suddenly it hitting me that he was "mine", and feeling overwhelmed by my love for him. He's now almost two, and the most amazing little boy, it's hard to remember how I felt in the early days, and how anxious and unhappy I was.

I think it is a gradual processs as others have said but that may be due to the section and fact that breastfeeding just didn't work with us. but we did bond and are close with him still managing to be independent

I had a c section and dd was handed over to me when I was wheeled out for the operation theatre. My mw told me to start feeding her. The skin to skin contact was wonderful and we bonded in no time

I don't know when I bonded with DC1. At first I was so tired and overwhelmed after a stressful pregnancy and awful birth that I just wanted someone to take the baby away so I could sleep. I didn't think that was 'right' so for a long while I held myself up to the standard of how I felt I should be, feeling terribly guilty that I was acting a part and mentally punishing myself every time I messed up. Unsurprisingly, I rapidly developed PND.

With DC2 it was instant. I was the gushiest mother on the delivery suite that day!

DD was rushed off to SCBU for the first week of her life so it took me a while to feel bonded to her. It felt like she was the hospital's baby not mine if that makes sense - I had to ask permission to pick her up, change her nappy and so on. I was just the useless babysitter who had to ask how to do everything..

I don't remember feeling a sudden rush of love, but we bonded properly once we got home.

After some wonderful moments of skin to skin DD was handed to DH whilst I was rushed into theatre to repair a third degree tear I'd sustained due to a compound delivery - DD came out with her hand on her head. Once I was out of theatre and settled into recovery I finally got to hold her again about two hours later and she had her first breastfeed. Our midwife was very impressed that she latched on quickly despite the delay and although I was obviously shattered and a little overwhelmed by the experience it was a very special moment.

With DS there wasn't the drama of theatre but a solo mother / son bonding moment as my very quick labour meant he arrived five minutes before DH made it to the labour ward. Again he was very quick to feed and our bonding was pretty instant.

I had antenatal depression when I was expecting DS2 and was terrified that I wouldn't be able to love him. It was such a huge contrast from my first pregnancy, when I had been so happy and thrilled to be pregnant (despite having a tough time physically). The second time, I resented the baby for 'damaging' my relationship with DS1, for causing me to drop out of my PhD, for making me sore and miserable and slow.

I had a calm waterbirth at home, and then spent about a week in bed. I had a second degree tear which wasn't stitched, so I had to keep pretty still for a while. During this time I held my baby, and fed him, and looked at him, and talked to him. We gave him a name. I noticed things about him that were like me, and like his father, and like his brother. I stopped resenting him and started to love him.

He is nearly six months old now and I cannot imagine life without him. Loving my first baby was easy, loving the second one was harder. I love them both with equal passion. They are my everything.